My Feelings Exactly

Since you've been gone

2011-12-31T07:13:00.002-05:00

I'm such a bad blogger. The first step is admitting it.

It's pretty easy to take an experience, pull one thought from it, and post it on Facebook. But whether it's humor, frustration, confusion, etc., it's just one small piece of a larger part of your life. Toward the end of the year I've rapidly become disillusioned with FB and decided it's much more fun to tell the whole story. This way no one will read just one or two sentences and sit there thinking "What a great picture of her kids! How does she manage?" or "Well, that doesn't sound so bad." or "Wow. I wonder how she's processing/dealing with that?" Now there will be no such wondering. You will all instead be thinking "My God, it took 47 tries to get that picture." and "OH. Now I see she's making a joke to keep from crying." or "Good Lord she is totally bat-shit crazy."

Mildly interesting things that happened in the last few months or so that I did not blog about (but totally should have):

Ashlyn fell on her Heelys and broke her arm. Again.

We moved from Seoul to Pyeongtaek.

Skylar started preschool.

Owen joined the Cub Scouts.

Haley got a boyfriend.

Ashlyn fell down and almost broke her head and Scott threw away everybody's Heelys.

Haley made all A's on her report card, a huge mistake on her part, because now we know she's not dumb like we originally thought, but actually just lazy.

Fat Heidi went on a diet.

Two different doctors diagnosed me with COPD, the third leading cause of death and illness worldwide that has no cure.

Skylar got a boyfriend.

I learned how to download movies and television shows off the internet for free.

I had a lung scan to determine the severity of my COPD and found out I did NOT have COPD.

The lung scan showed a tumor on my 8th vertebrae of my spine. I named him Marty.

I was diagnosed with asthma and given two inhalers and three more oral medications to take daily.

Haley joined the guitar club.

I had several heated arguments with random Koreans.

Fat Heidi lost around 4 pounds in 5 months. She's still fat.

I opted against surgery to remove my tumor because I am afraid of doctors who do not speak English.

Scott broke his nose in the unit flag football game.

I forgot to turn off the stove before we left for the day and nearly burned down the building.

I quit all physical activity while the doctors spent several months altering my medication dosages. I promptly lost 7 pounds.

Scott and I implemented the weekly Thursday Lunch Date. Skylar also attends.

Haley dumped her boyfriend.

Skylar got another boyfriend. I'm relatively sure the first one doesn't know.

The fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the building. The kids freaked out.

My doctor told me I needed to start seeing a Pulminary Specialist for treatment. I declined, again because of the language thing.

Scott found out he will have to have surgery on his nose.

Skylar asked Santa for a Barbie Dream House, which not ONE SINGLE STORE on the internet would ship to an APO address.

Scott was confirmed a slot in the August 2012 Command and General Staff College 1-year course at Fort Leavenworth.

My parents visited.

Scott's mother spent $75 to ship a Barbie Dream House to us.

We had another fire alarm and had to evacuate again. The kids freaked out again.

I finally found a wii game I could beat Scott at.

I would say one of my New Year's Resolutions is to be better at keeping up with my blog, but there's no fun in that. Resolutions should be about much more interesting and/or controversial things, otherwise nobody wants to hear about it. Nobody cares if you're going to run a marathon or drink more water! That's BORING! I'm not going to sit here and talk about any crap resolutions like that!

How many times have you asked someone about their resolutions and they said I'm going to save more money! or I'm going to eat more salad! or I'm going to read a book a week! YAWN. But hey, let somebody throw in some words like drugs, porn, or affair and OMG people can't get enough. BLOG BLOG BLOG.

Sadly, I don't have anything like that to give up, and I can't even make up some pretend ones because people would take it seriously and the next thing you know I would think I'm going to meet a few friends at Starbucks and instead it would be something entirely different and uncomfortable.

Plus, the things I do that are bad I like too much to give up Like cheat at the wii to beat Scott. Give that up? No way.

I'm so un-friendly

2011-12-29T21:42:00.004-05:00

About a week ago I decided to cut down my Facebook friend list. I've done this before, but, let's face it, I was all pansy about it and cut maybe 5 or 6 people. This time I cut it from 505 to 218, and of that 218, 69 are family. I went through the list and I'm telling you, there were people on there I'm not even sure I knew.

note: some of the people I still don't actually know, but they know scott through the army, and he recently deleted his fb page, so I kept those people in case they need/want to get in touch with him.

another note: scott deleted his fb page because once he returned from iraq several people he met over there friended him and periodically sent him messages saying hello, how are you, where are you now, etc., and since having the job he has necessitates a top secret security clearance from the united states government it's probably best if he doesn't have a bunch of contact with iraqi nationalists. these people are perfectly pleasant but so is a paycheck. also, scott hates facebook because people try to talk to him. oh the horror.

Lots of people on the list went to Coosa, and I decided I don't need to be friends on FB with someone JUST BECAUSE we went to the same high school. This is weird to me. There needs to be more criteria than that. Just because your name might sound familiar to me doesn't mean I care if you get a new job, get fired, have a baby, get a divorce, etc. And I can't imagine you care about the things I post. Unless you are just nosy.

I also unfriended people who I knew, but who I really don't want to have any type of interaction with, because, you know, I can't stand them.

Example #1: When I was pregnant with Owen Scott deployed to Afghanistan for a year. I moved home to Rome with Ashlyn and Haley. I delivered Owen 13 days after Scott landed in the Middle East. One day a girl came up to me and said "He's so adorable, I'm just really so, so sorry he'll never get to meet his father." And I asked her, "What are you talking about?" And she answered "Well, it's just so sad that his dad will die in the war and never get to meet him, and then you'll have these three kids and be a widow. And all for a war that's only about George Bush wanting to control all the world's oil."

Yes, this person was sitting on my friend list. Thank God for people like her, otherwise I might get over my anxiety issues.

Example #2: There was a girl on my list who, every single time I hear from her, asks me how much I weigh. Because GOD FORBID I were to weigh less than she does. In a way I feel sad for her, because she's obviously unhappy and trying to feel good about herself. It's important to her that she win at this, and I totally understand that, so I routinely add pounds onto my weight when I tell her (if she's telling me the truth about her weight I probably weigh a pound or two less than she does). The crazy thing is that it's a number, and it doesn't even represent a proper comparison between the two of us because 1. I'm taller than she is, and 2. we have different builds.

I really have no reason for deleting her besides the fact that I don't have a group to put her in. All I have are acquaintances, family, close friends, Coosa High School, Shorter College, and Pyeongtaek Area. I don't have a group titled Competition.

I refuse to compete with people. Especially about something like that. There was a time when I would have, but then I graduated from high school. Grow up.

There are other people still on the list that don't need to be there.

Since deleting all these people 6 days ago I have received 9 friend requests. All 9 of them are people I deleted. Six of them are people I'm relatively sure I've never spoken to in my entire life, including FB. One of them I'm not sure I even know. One of them is someone I've never seen post anything on FB at all. One of them is the girl from Example #2.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO.

And yes, I realize I could have remained friends with all 287 and simply blocked them. If I was a PANSY.

It's the end of 2011. I'm tired of a lot of things and I've had an epiphany. I will be a much different person in 2012.

The High Life

2011-07-07T01:48:00.005-04:00

We are staying on the 8th floor at the Dragon Hill Lodge as we PCS from Seoul ALL THE WAY to Pyeongtaek.

BTW, we've found it's easier to move halfway across the world than it is to move 41 miles.

Anyway, back to the hotel thing, yeah. 8th floor. Last night I spent WAY TOO MUCH time considering the fact that it didn't feel like I was 8 floors up. I tried to remember back to when we got here, tried to remember what floor we were on then, but I just can't. I'm leaning toward 5th, but just when I get comfortable with it some little voice in my head says "But what if it was 6th?" and I'm torn. Usually I try to go no higher anywhere than the 2nd floor if it's at all possible. Because if you are on the 2nd floor you still have a chance to not kill yourself it you need to jump. You just never know, THERE MAY BE A FIRE, and you must have a plan, otherwise you die from the chaos. Also, I would have no problem chucking kids out of a second floor window if need be, but anything higher than that and I'd probably feel bad. When we first got here and stayed on the 5th/6th floor (4th?) I probably had this same conversation with myself where I tried to reconcile just what I'd do in case of an emergency, but the time difference really gets you when you get on a plane and go left and cross over the international date line (which I think we did). OH! I remember now! Coming over here we spent an enormous amount of time in a plane over water and God didn't let us die, so I was no doubt feeling cocky.

So yeah, right now I'm trying really hard to concentrate on the fact that I'm 8 floors up and I'm just not feeling it. Which is a good thing, of course, because GOD FORBID I be feeling some type of movement or sway. And I most certainly went to the top of the Seoul Tower not once but twice, and wasn't bothered by it at all. I think it's the hotel part that's freaking me out, because of that one time when I watched the movie The Towering Inferno.

If you've never seen that movie and you're prone to spending time in hotels then I'd recommend you just skip it. Because let me tell you, you'll never be the same. To sum it up, some wires on the 81st floor just happen to spark, the spark falls on some paper in the trash below them, and a fire starts, effectively shutting down the elevators and blocking the stairs, so everyone above the fire is stuck. And there's a party happening at the top, but of course there's a party happening at the top. And Paul Newman and Steve McQueen have to explode a million gallon water tank on top of the hotel to put the fire out. And there's chaos, and fire and death and it's just terrible, and it's a movie. Now I live with an irrational fear of hotel rooms that are higher than what I deem a comfortable jumping height.

Which is crazy, I KNOW THIS, but it's been proven by the people on the Discovery Channel that people with plans have a better chance at survival. Well, people with plans and people with an absurd amount of good luck. So since we have 6 people in this family luck is spread pretty thin, so we need planning. And I don't contribute much to this party going on around here but by God I can plan the shit out of stuff. The bad part of all of this is Scott came over to pick up the keys for the rooms, and had I been there I would have politely asked for SOMETHING MUCH LOWER, but he's all "8th floor? No problem." Obviously I'm going to have to focus harder on his training.

note: I was not present at the picking up of the keys because I was having a heated discussion with a polite man who spoke no English about exactly to what degree he needed to disassemble my kitchen table. Taking the leaf out? Perfectly acceptable. Taking the individual hinges that hold the leaf off too? NOT SO MUCH. I mean, come on.

And now, NOW, we are about to sign for housing at Humphreys. A house we have no other info on other than it's located in a high rise. We had originally planned to move into a 2nd floor condo. We looked at one on the 3rd floor, which had a super high vaulted ceiling and a beautiful view of the adjoining rice paddy, but I opted for the condo of comfortable jumping height. Then Scott got all crazy about how we were going to have to pay millions of dollars out of pocket for electricity because our kids can't turn off a light to save their freaking life, so he wished really hard on a star or something and charmed the Korean ladies at the Housing Office to TRY TO DO THEIR JOB CORRECTLY FOR ONCE and lo and behold they have a house on post for us to live in, where electricity is free. And that? That right there? ALL OUR LUCK. Used up right there getting us a house on post. Now all we've got left is planning, planning, planning. Which is exactly what I do. I've got emergency plans for many things, including but not limited to, bridges collapsing (it's very broad and random, because all bridges are somewhat different, but still), fire in structures within comfortable jumping height (the whole chuck them off thing), getting separated from a child on the subway (you wait in that exact spot, and if any person tries to engage you in any way you kick them viciously in the knee-biting is also acceptable in this case), and compound fractures (which I figure is coming someday based solely on the law of averages). So now I'm going to have to work on a plan for fire in a structure NOT within comfortable jumping height.

Oh, and also one for what exactly we're going to do when we open the box at the new house that the nice movers packed the litter box in. With the litter. And the poop.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2011-03-22T04:07:00.007-04:00

A while back a friend of mine was living in Italy and while her husband was deployed to Afghanistan she decided she was bored so she bought one of those hair electrolysis systems from somewhere on ebay. She told me about it, explained how it worked, how you have this gel that you lather on your leg and then you take a pair of electric tweezers and grab each individual hair and zap it. The gel carries the current to the follicle or something, I'm not really sure, but in the end the current kills the follicle and it stops growing hair.

This sounds like a great idea, because then you'd never have to shave your legs again, but then you have to think about the number of hairs on your legs at any given moment. And after you wrap your head around that number, you have to think about how all the follicles don't produce hair at the same time, but instead they take turns, which means even if you actually had the time to zap each individual hair you're still not done, you'd still have to go through the whole process two or three more times again.

Skylar is in preschool on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8:15 to 11:15, and now my friend Tammy has started teaching a water aerobics class on those days from 9:30 to 10:30. I was so excited about this when she told me, because I love water, I love aerobics, and Skylar isn't around at that time to ruin it for me. But putting on a bathing suit and then doing leg lifts twice a week in front of a bunch of other people requires personal grooming.

Now, I'm big, no, BIG on personal grooming. You bathe daily. You brush your hair and your teeth. Don't bother trying to fight me on this ~~Owen~~ kids, it's going to happen. You're not going to be the smelly kid in school, and you're not going to be the kid no one wants to share secrets with because your breath stinks. Swimming twice a week, though lots of fun, requires grooming and maintenance. And while I have learned over the years how to shower with the door and shower curtain open, due to the fact that these kids have tried to get a way with a LOT of crap during that 10 minutes, I simply cannot do bikini line grooming with an audience. So even though I actively encourage Skylar to hang out in the bathroom while I'm in the shower and practice putting on eyeshadow I HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE.

Well, now I'm having to seriously keep up with the shaving, and it's killing me, and it's so freaking cold here we've about had it with cold weather FOREVER and Scott's started talking a LOT about how we're moving back to Hawaii. A move back to Hawaii means several things:
1. I'd have to home school the kids, because the schools in Hawaii are very very bad.
2. We'd be free to finish up school each day was fast as we could and then go to the beach.
3. Nobody would learn anything.
4. We'd be a the beach a LOT.
5. Daily personal grooming.

And while I love all these kids, the thoughts of them possibly living with me forever because they can't get into a college or get a job because I failed to teach them anything in Jennifer's Homeschool Academy is a little worrisome, but what bothers me most about the Moving To Hawaii scenario is the daily personal grooming part. We have lived in Hawaii before, yes, but back then I only had half as many kids. And those kids were Ashlyn and Haley, who were very well-behaved and would play with baby dolls or watch a movie or just generally stay where I put them while I took care of any business in the bathroom. Now I have the boy and the devil, neither one of whom can be trusted.

So my friend has connections at Dr. Sung's office here in Korea, and she got me a deal on the Laser Hair Removal. We went down there, I thought to just talk more about it and get a firm price, and the Korean lady is like this is this and that is that and

"You think good idea?"

"Yes, I think laser hair removal is a very good idea."

"Yes, good, you come, we go, 20 minutes."

And she's gesturing to a hallway and I'm all "What? Go where? Where are we going? Now? What 20 minutes? 20 minutes til what? I don't understand..."

She was very helpful, "20 minutes now. You come, We go."

And I look at my friend, Joy, who brought me, and she's all "They're just going to do it right now, it only takes about 20 minutes."

Needless to say I felt a little bit of peer pressure, and I don't do well with peer pressure, because I thought we were just going to get some information on prices and an idea of what to expect and all and now she's backed me into a tiny room and is holding her hand out asking for my pants. So I feel a little bit of panic, and I'm all, "Uh, don't you have to shave first, or something, because I didn't realize this was all going to be happening today and I'm not ready."

And the lady is like "Oh, no worry I do."

Um. Excuse me?

You know, I'm sure there are more uncomfortable situations, I just can't think of any right now OR EVER. So yeah, I got to get on a heated bed and lay in an extremely awkward position while Korean lady did my personal grooming. Listen, these people are nothing if not super efficient. There is no room for arguing, questions, lollygagging, etc. They just don't have time for it so it isn't allowed. And then she asked me if I was okay with a little pain.

Well, of course after all the Being Shaved in a Personal Location by Someone Other Than Myself I already felt a little bit violated and vulnerable, so I decided then and there that I wasn't going to let this situation beat me. And I was all "Pain? Pffft. Whatever. I'm good. I don't feel pain, are you kidding? I've had four kids lady, you think I got this body just from sheer luck? Oh no, that's four kids worth of a body thankyouverymuch, and I pretty much laugh in the face of pain. Can I handle a laser? A little blinking light? I mean, come on. I've got a tattoo."

So she said we'd do a small area to test it out.

HOLY HELL OH MY GOD SWEET BABY JESUS WHAT THE HELL HOW MANY MORE OF THESE WILL THERE BE MAYBE I JUST WANT A FACIAL.

She left then, to wait 5 minutes to see if I was going to have any type of allergic reaction to something or another, maybe the laser, maybe the gel, I have no idea, I couldn't follow what she was telling me, as I was trying to get my breathing back under control while panicking slightly because I couldn't feel my feet. After the waiting period was over she came back in, inspected the area, and apparently I passed because she nodded firmly, grabbed the laser, and handed me some goggles.

The good news in all of this is that it turns out that first little area she did? Well, she chose to do the inside of my thigh right where you have a pressure point and that's why it was so uncomfortable. Because she was not only pushing on the pressure point but she was then shooting it with a laser. So I can honestly say that the rest of it was a piece of cake. I'm supposed to go back in one month for round 2 or 6.

Oh, Hawaii. I'm getting close.

Definitely in the top 10

2011-03-14T06:50:00.002-04:00

One of the latest from The Tattle Book. For those of you who haven't been paying attention, I explain The Tattle Book here.

Owen picked some dirt out from under his fingernails and put it on the back of my shirt.--Haley

Maybe so

2011-03-08T22:17:00.003-05:00

"I hate this line! Why is there a line? I hate it!"

"Skylar, what line? What are you talking about?"

"This line on my sock! It hurts my toes!"

"That's the seam. I can't do anything about it. It holds the sock together."

"Why does it have to be right there. I don't want it right there!"

"Skylar, I DON'T KNOW. I didn't invent socks. Uh, they put it there so you know you have your sock on right."

"OH. So it's for DUMB people. Like Owen."

Now that I think about it...

2011-03-02T23:44:00.002-05:00

"Well good Lord Ashlyn, it's no wonder she doesn't like you. I mean, look at you. You've got the prettiest head of blond hair I've ever seen and eyes that are bluer than blue. You're smart, you get good grades, you're funny, you're athletic, everybody likes you, you're tall, you have clear skin and you don't have an ounce of fat on your entire body....Hell, now that I think about it, I don't like you either."

Crap Day

2011-02-28T06:21:00.004-05:00

Well, let me start by saying my last post was in September, so that's less than a year ago. Things are already looking better. Not really.

Now, a lot of people will read this and go Hey, that's not that bad, and you're right, it's probably not, but the thing is this is not an isolated incident. These is basically a summary of how every day here is, you just change some of the locations.

When we moved to Korea, or rather when we were getting ready to move to Korea, we talked to several people who had lived here before us and they all had the same thing to say: It's just a little bit off. You'll see a lot of things that look familiar from a distance, that sound familiar, but when you get right down to it they're just a little bit...well, wrong. And I want to say that after living here for 14 months I completely agree. There are things here that look very much like things you see in the states, but they are NOT THE SAME. Like cheesecake. Valuable lesson: Never sample cheesecake in a Korean store. Because it's a lie. Also McDonalds and Outback. Korea, be serious. You should not even be allowed to call them by those names.

Then there's all the stuff on post. I'm not sure, maybe all military installations are run this way, but at least on other posts you are dealing with people who speak English. Maybe that's my biggest problem here. All the people who run the places on post are not very good speakers of English, and I am not a good speaker of Korean. Their language has an awful lot to do with stressing certain syllables and voice inflection and the like and you know, I'm from Georgia. I have a friend who was born in Arkansas but spent a good amount of time in Tennessee. Her husband told her once that he could tell when she'd spent the day with me because she sounded like a hick. So, needless to say, my voice box is not capable of producing sound that a Korean will understand. Ever. And don't even get me started on having to deal with them on the phone.

We have a cat named Gary. He's a Korean cat, so basically that means he doesn't understand anything I say to him, and he ignores me. He speaks Korean. I know this because the sound he makes when he meows is unlike any sound I've ever heard a cat make before in my life. And he makes that sound every single time Haley leaves the house. Gary likes to sit in the front window and gaze outside, like all cats do. We had blinds in that window. Gary tore them down. It's been a while since this happened, and we've just been living with the window bare so all of Itaewon Acres can look right in, and finally Scott started to complain about how I needed to do something about it.

I called the number to Kohom, the company that manages the houses on post, and asked for more blinds. They gave me another number. I called the second number and asked for more blinds. You have to take a second here and think about what it sounds like when a southern person asks for blinds compared to when a normal person asks for blinds. The people at the second number had no idea what I was talking about but were relatively sure they didn't have it so they gave me a third number. Fast forward to the phone call to phone number #6 and I finally got an American on the phone who said he'd take care of it. The next day someone called, maybe Kohom, maybe not, but definitely Korean, and wanted to come measure for blinds, and could they come at 2:45. So this is my side of the conversation:

Uh, isn't that when school gets out?
Yes? Then no, you can't come then because I won't be here. I'll be back a little after 3 though.
No, you can't come right before 3. You can come right after 3.
If you can come at 2:55 why can't you come 10 minutes later? 10. T-EH-N. No, not 10:00, just a little after 3.
Well, whatever, but if I'm not here I guess you'll have to wait.
3:00. I get back at 3:00.
No, not usually before 2:55.
Yes, I'm here right now.
No, I'm not going anywhere until I pick the kids up from school.
Well, USUALLY NOT LONG BUT NOT UNTIL 3.
Yes, now would be a great time for you to come.
(3 minutes later they are here. No lie.)

And my point is why? Why Why Why? Why do they have to do this to me?

So they show up and need to measure the window. There is a table in front of that window with all my machines on it, and Korean dude is all climbing all around on the table trying to measure. Nevermind that the old broken blinds are RIGHT THERE with the measurement on them. The window could have changed sizes since those were hung, right? We've got to re-measure. So he does, and then is genuinely surprised when his numbers match the numbers on the old set.

"Now we measure, we find cost you pay voucher cash collection at housing bring us paper we come you all finished about one day."

Uh, what?

"We call."

They called the next day, and that phone call didn't go so well either, but finally I got that the next step was taking place at housing and I needed to be there. Scott and I went to housing and told the girl at the front desk the story about the cat, and the blinds, and the measuring, and we needed to pay, and she told us Mr. Lee wasn't in and he was the only person who could do it and we'd need to come back, probably tomorrow, but she wasn't sure he'd be in, he might be out, so maybe we could call. This girl wasn't Korean, which gave me a false sense of hope, but she turned out to be something other that Miss English Is My First Language, and it rapidly went downhill, because I do not understand why somebody other than Mr. Lee can't hand us the piece of paper we need. And "he's the only one here who does that" doesn't make any sense to me, because what if Mr. Lee died? What would all of us who needed new blinds do then? And when I asked her that Scott had a small heart attack and said it was time to go. We were pulling out of the parking space when the girl came running outside and guess what, Mr. Lee was back! Yay! So we went back in, told Mr. Lee what we wanted and lo and behold Mr. Lee doesn't even handle those pieces of paper. See that room right there? That room with 4 people twiddling their thumbs? THEY do that. THEY can help you. And they did, and we got the paper, and then we went to finance to pay.

Finance is in another building here. You have to drive and you have to find a place to park in one of the two spots that are full, so you have to go all the way to the bowling alley and hike back a quarter of a mile to the office. Oh, finance closes at 4, and it's 4:10. Sorry, come back later. So we went back the next day, but it was a holiday or something for Finance so strike two. I went back last week on Thursday. You know, Finance is closed on Thursday. All day long they are closed. They are open 9 to 4 every day except for Thursday when they are closed all day and the hour and a half they are closed for lunch each day. People, are you thinking of joining the military? WORK IN FINANCE. We obviously need more people there, because we don't have enough to fill an entire duty week. Who works 9 to 4? Good Lord. Today I went back to Finance and you have to have cash. This is totally my fault I guess because I thought you could give them a check or a debit card. It never occurred to me that I'd need actual dollars, but still. That's 4 times I've gone over there and it's just not working out. God does not want me to have blinds.

So shortly after that I was leaving to pick the kids up from school, and I'm driving, and Skylar's in the carseat when all of a sudden she goes two steps beyond hysterical. It honestly was the fastest turnaround any of my kids have ever displayed and she's screaming "It's stuck!" and "In my nose!"

You have got to be freaking kidding me.

Why? Why Why Why would you be EVER be holding something and get tired of holding it and think "I'll just put it here, IN MY NOSE."?? I had been sewing before we left the house, and she'd been going through all my stuff, hiding it, and she'd picked up a pink rhinestone roughly the size of a button and decided to take it with her, because it was a beautiful magic treasure that she was going to keep forever because it was so special. Special enough to shove up her nose not 90 freaking seconds later. And blood is going everywhere, and I'm all "Blow! Blow into this ATM receipt!" and IT ISN'T WORKING and I'm going through my mental list of all the people I can call to help me. Do you know how many people are on that list? ONE. One person could actually help me, but the logistics of it were just impossible for me to figure out as I'm on my way to the ER, worried about
1. Ashlyn has volleyball today, I can't call her and change any previously given instructions because she wasn't involved in them to begin with.
2. Haley doesn't have a cell phone. She's only 10, and she'd annoy the hell out of me calling me every 10 minutes if she did have one so I can't call her.
3. The other two girls that ride home with me have a cell phone. I don't have that number. I also don't have their mother's number. How that is humanly possible is beyond me.
4. I can't call the school. The lady that answers the phone is Korean.
5. I'm speeding on post.
6. I'm talking on my cell phone while speeding on post.
7. TWEEZERS. I NEED A PAIR OF TWEEZERS.

I pull into the shoppette area and there's a little store there called Daiso. I have no idea how to pronounce the name or explain the purpose of this store, but it's about the size of a bathroom and they sell an assortment of things that boggle my mind. It's so random I can't even begin to list it all. All the parking spots are full, so I go all Korean on them and MAKE MY OWN and scream "Stay here!" to Screaming Her Head Off in the back seat and go tearing inside. Don't turn the car off, not even completely sure I closed the door. And hey, how good it that? That whole 'stay here' part? She's locked into a Britax, bleeding all over the place about to faint because her most prized possession in the whole wide world is lodged in her sinus cavity and I'm out of my mind but still enough of a parent to be concerned about her POSSIBLY WANDERING OFF.

I go running in and tell the girl I need tweezers. And she's Korean. Apparently they don't call them tweezers. Really? We have to play Charades now? For the love of all that is holy, I'm standing there with my car illegally parked, my car illegally running without a driver, and my unattended 4 year old still inside (also illegal of course) and I'm miming tweezing my eyebrows. And I guess you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work at Daiso because it took her a good 25 seconds to figure out what I was doing AND I WAS ILLEGALLY USING WORDS. Turns out Daiso has two kinds of packs for sale that contain tweezers, and I wanted to just buy the first one I saw, but she wanted to make sure I saw the second kind, because it was a little different, and I'm all I WANT TO BUY ONE RIGHT NOW JUST SURPRISE ME. $1.60 later I'm hauling back to the car and I fling open the back door and Skylar's all sunshine and happiness "It's okay Mommy, I blowed it out!"

We parked in plenty of time to pick everyone up from school, btw.

Then we went to CYS, which is Child and Youth Services, to pay for ballet for March, and I would like to say that CYS on this post is the worst run establishment in the history of the world. It took an hour to pay for ballet. One. Hour. Because the teacher for her Thursday class told me it might be canceled for March, and I might have to move Skylar to another time slot, so I had to check with the people in charge, I couldn't just put a check in the box, so I had to sign in and wait to be called, and finally when it was my turn I had to explain that I was checking to make sure the class time was still available blah blah blah and if not then I needed a new class time but if it was open I just wanted to pay and THE LADY WAS KOREAN and I totally understand why some people just go sit alongside the highway sometimes and randomly shoot at passing cars.

It's not that it's hard, even though it is. It's not that it's frustrating, even though it is. It's that I have a certain list of things I have to do each day and a certain way I need to do them and Korea does nothing except work against me. And as far as I know I've never done anything to Korea to provoke it.

So I came home and called Scott, because I honestly was about to go off the deep end and when that happens the only thing I can think to do is spend an obnoxious amount of money on something we don't need but promises to make your life easier, like a George Foreman Grill, which makes no sense to sane people but in my mind Hey, it makes your life easier! I need for things to be easier! I'll buy this grill! And Scott said he thought I should go to bed early.

Hmmm.

Good advice, except that leaves no time for me to go buy and play with unnecessary kitchen appliances.

I just need a break. Just a little one. Only I don't see one coming for over a year. Boo.

The funny thing is it's all HIS fault!

2010-09-23T06:27:00.004-04:00

(Owen reading a book about South Korea)

Scott: Hey wait, that figure is wrong. 10 million people in Seoul? When was this book written?

Owen: 2008.

Scott: There are 14 million people in Seoul. So, in 2 years the population of Seoul has grown by 4 million. Wow.

Me: Well, you know what they say...

Scott: Yeah. They say "The Starrs are here."

By definition

2010-06-03T02:10:00.003-04:00

Little Korean man: You lotta kids! You are catholic?!

Me: No, we're not catholic. We're baptist. And sort of unlucky.

Awareness

2010-05-28T21:28:00.002-04:00

(at the commissary, on the laundry detergent row)

Scott: Do you need anything off this row?

Me: Uh, oh yes, I need bleach!

Scott: Bleach?

Me: Yes, bleach. We haven't had any bleach in, like, 3 or 4 days. Haven't you noticed the whites have looked dingy?

Scott: Whites?

Help yourself

2010-05-25T06:59:00.005-04:00

We have a self-help store here on post where you can go and get various household items for free. Apparently they have these types of places on all military installations, but the only one I've ever used was in Hawaii, when I used to go get mouse traps to use to catch mice that we would then feed to the wild pigs that routinely hung out in our yard. That sounds mean, I know, but what else are you supposed to do with the mice once you catch them? I mean, they were snap traps, so the mice were most of the time still alive, so you couldn't really put them in the trash can. Plus, the pigs were hungry, so it was win-win. Another reason? We were bored. We were on an island in the middle of the ocean. And contrary to what that show would have you believe, the smoke monster didn't live there in 2002.

I would like to take this opportunity to say that I love Hawaii and everything about it, I miss Hawaii and everything about it, and I pray really hard every night that the Army will call and say "Oh, we made a mistake, you're supposed to be in Hawaii, so go there RIGHT NOW."

Anyway.

So we live in field grade housing now, which is military housing for Majors, Lt Colonels, and Colonels, and I am feeling a little bit of pressure to make the yard look presentable. And by "presentable" I mean I make an effort to get out there around twice a week to pick up all the dog shit so the Chaplain who lives next door doesn't have to smell it. But here lately I decided we needed to plant some flowers.

I've never been one to plant flowers in the yard. In Hawaii we had beautiful flowers, because the weather in Hawaii is perfectly conducive to beautiful flowers, so basically you plant them and then you're done. The weather there never changes, so the flowers just live and live. But I can't remember living any other place that was nice enough to make us want to do anything in the yard. Though there was this one time in Texas I let some Hispanics cut a few branches off a tree in the front yard that were touching the power lines. So maybe that counts.

Well guess what? Self-help here on post has free flowers. You just go over there and pick your flowers and they give them to you to beautify your yard with. Everybody here has them. And you can look like a pulled together family, or rather I can look freaking awesome, because not only, NOT ONLY, do I have three kids in school, I have a disagreeable toddler I stay home and take care of, a dog, a cat, and ~~farmville~~ various household tasks like cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. to do, not to mention Owen's baseball practice, and I can still manage to plant beautiful flowers in the front yard.

(I have now totally gone off subject in two sentences that I wrote, erased, re-wrote, and re-erased because I have the distinct feeling I will offend someone. There are a few of you who probably have an idea of what those sentences probably said. Yes, it was mean of me. Whatever.)

Last Saturday morning Scott and I went to self-help and picked out some lightbulbs, a sink stopper-God we are so wild it's barely legal-, three bags of mulch and 14 flats of flowers. Which, in case you don't know, is 168 individual flowers to plant into the ground. There was a limit, the guy said, of 10 flats per house, but that was only for the first little bit they had them, and now we could get however many we wanted. Well, I wanted to get ALL OF THEM, all 2 million, but Scott was all "Jennifer, they won't fit in the van and I'm not making two trips blah blah blah" so we only got 14. And when we left there I was absolutely giddy with the thoughts of just how domesticated I was going to look outside planting flowers for everyone to see.

Saturday afternoon I halfway killed myself. So what eventually ended up happening was Sunday afternoon everyone got to see me sitting in a chair on the front patio while Scott planted all the flowers. And that's fine, just fine, it was all some crazy pipe dream anyway, and I did manage to get one wife to comment "Now, THAT'S what I call gardening!" which she probably said because Scott had his shirt off. haha! Not really. Though it could have been the huge margarita glass on the table right beside the bottles of percocet and valium.

Wednesday my cell phone rang, and after I said "Hello?" a distinctly Korean man said "Hello?" so I said "Hello?" again and kind of held my breath, because this is what Koreans do on the phone. They repeat you. They are thinking so hard about what point they want to get across and how to speak it in English that when you finally answer it all goes right out the window and you kind of just greet each other for a while until they snap out of it. And the Korean man says "Starr?" so I said "Yes. Starr." This is another thing they do, they have a problem with first and last names and which order they write them and which order we write them and which order the Army writes them and really, it makes SO MUCH sense to have a bunch of Koreans doing so many of the civilian jobs here.

And the Korean guy says "Where the ho at?"

And for a few seconds I am speechless; I am trying to figure out what he's trying to ask me, because really, WHAT IS HE TRYING TO ASK ME, and finally I'm all "uh, I'm sorry?"

And he goes "We self-help. Where the ho? The ho your husband got from self-help."

WHAT THE HELL? Self-help has hos? I mean, I know Itaewon does, but self-help? ALL I SAW WAS LIGHTBULBS AND FLOWERS. My husband got a ho from self-help? So I say "Uh, ho?"

And then he goes "Yes. Ho and shovel."

OH. HOE. As in garden hoe. To plant flowers with.

And suddenly I lost all interest in the conversation.

So Scott comes home from lunch, and I tell him, and he thinks it's hilarious of course, so he goes out to get the hoe and shovel and put it in the van and I ask "Don't you think you should clean it off, it's kind of dirty."

BECAUSE EVEN AFTER 14 YEARS, I STILL HAVEN'T LEARNED.

Because of course Scott says "Nah, she was dirty when I got her, and it was all good. Hey, thanks for making sure she gets back okay."

haha. He's so funny. It's too bad he has a day job.

So we took them back, and while Scott was signing the receipt another couple walked in and the guy was all "LIGHTBULBS!" and went running in that direction. And the wife just kind of shrugged and said "He gets all excited about free lightbulbs." and I was all "That's nothing. WAIT TIL HE FINDS LAWN AND GARDEN."

Pain in the neck

2010-05-17T07:26:00.002-04:00

It's no secret I spend a lot of time at various ERs around the country with all these kids. We've had 5 broken bones (3 arms, 1 finger, and 1 toe), two sets of stitches, and one encounter with some face glue. There was also the near broken bones (twice) and the to-this-day unexplained body rash that I'm thinking was some type of allergy to Korea in general. I'm not going to count the fever/ear infections or anything like that because, well, I've blocked a lot of them out. So, needless to say, I'm some kind of expert at knowing exactly just what to do to jump to the front of the line and drastically cut into the amount of time spent waiting around.

The top two ways to jump to the front of the line are:
1. Go into the ER covered in blood, holding a child that is covered in blood, wrapped in a towel that is covered in blood, and be screaming. I cannot even guess how many people we jumped ahead of in Hawaii that time when I did that.
2. Go into the ER holding a child who has an obvious bone deformity, like, say, having a wrist bone where NO ONE should have a wrist bone. This worked one time in Arizona and one time in Georgia.

Saturday night Scott had to take me to the ER. I would like to preface this entire story with I AM NEVER SICK. I never get allergies. I never get colds. I never get stomach viruses. I leave that up to all the sicklies I live with. I do, however, get sick when I'm pregnant. Terribly, violently sick. And now that that's taken care of, KNOCK ON WOOD, I don't plan on being sick anymore.

So. Saturday. Well, it all started when I said I was going to take a shower and Scott followed me upstairs, like he always does, JUST IN CASE I'M JOKING when I tell him to leave me alone and play with the four kids we already have that are all his fault. And of course the AFN movie channel had some crap movie on, and it just sucks you into it, so instead of taking a shower I decided to watch the movie, and I laid down on the bed and one of our bajillion remotes was right under my back. So when I tried to reach for it I felt a little twinge.

And everything was a-okay until about an hour later, when we were trying to leave for Owen's baseball game, and he had no idea where his cleats were. So I came bouncing into my room and dropped down onto my hands and knees to look under the bed and you know what? I couldn't get back up. And I couldn't move my neck. So I whined for a minute, then somehow got back downstairs and told Scott Hey, you know what? I just really hurt my neck. And Scott was like Whatever, go get in the car, we're going to be late.

So while we were at the game my neck got stiffer and my shoulder started to hurt a little and I started to whine more. After the game Scott and I had to go to the commissary because we had no groceries. We had no groceries because I usually try to go on Friday, but Saturday morning the people in charge of the all the electricity here decided to shut all the power off from midnight to 6am. I handled the commissary beautifully, so I mistakenly thought I was okay. Plus, whenever I started to mention that my neck or shoulder hurt, Mr. Compassionate would roll his eyes and tell me for God's sake to just put the loaf of bread down if it was too much for me to handle. When we got back from the commissary we decided to walk over to the electronics market.

There are several reasons I thought this was a good idea. Firstly, I don't know if you know, but Friday I went to get my hair done and while I was gone Owen smashed my laptop. And guess what was on my laptop? My bodystep music. Yes. The music I need June 1st when I start teaching bodystep to all the soldiers during PT. So I really, really need that music off the hard drive. Secondly, I seemed to be able to walk fine, it was just sitting that was causing me pain. Thirdly, it was supposed to rain the first half of the week, plus it'd just be me and Skylar, and she sucks the fun out of EVERYTHING so I wanted Scott to go with me.

Well, we got over there and the guy who knows all about MACs was closed, which figures, so we kind of walked around a little bit looking at all the crap they have spread out all over the streets over there and then turned around to come back. And while I was walking fine, I was not able to really move my head side to side or up and down, which wasn't a problem until I stepped kind of half on-half off a curb.

I wish I could tell you that I handled the trip with grace, that in one fluid move I caught myself and just went along my merry way, but no, I didn't. It was ugly. And OH MY GOD it hurt. And it was so bad I immediately started crying from the pain and I think I might have blubbered a little bit about separated ribs and a punctured lung. People, I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to make it back to the gate. With every breath I felt like someone was twisting a knife in my back, and my entire right arm was numb and I couldn't move it.

So things were sucking really really badly, and then, THEN, Skylar peed all over herself. And you know, I'm not sure how that happened, because at one point I'm pretty sure I blacked out from the pain while we were walking, but Scott was yelling and there was crying (but that could have been me I'm not completely sure). After the fact I was told it had something to do with her shoe, that she couldn't get her shoe on, and she was fussing with it and all of a sudden she peed. I mean Gawd. Have you ever in your life?

So we get back home, and I try to sit down and I can't, because it hurts so badly, and I'm crying, and the kids are freaking out because Mama is hurt, and Scott? Scott is cleaning the kitchen. You know, unloading the dishwasher and getting the house straightened up. AND I'M DYING ON THE LEATHER COUCH. Then, when he realized I was crying uncontrollably he took me to the ER, which brings me to the #3 way you can jump to the beginning of the line at the ER.

#3: Hobble into the ER with your husband and when they ask you "What happened?" look uncomfortably over at your husband and just kind of mumble "I don't know, I just hurt myself." Because you know what they think happened? They think your husband has beat you up, and the reason you can't answer what happened is not because you're embarrassed that you honestly don't know what on earth you did to make the right side of your body st0p working, but because you are afraid to say "My husband beat me up" while he's standing right beside you. Also, when they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst, and you say "Well, as long as I stand very still I'm fine but if I move ever so slightly I'll either throw up or have diarrhea." THAT HELPS TOO.

And I didn't realize the part about the spousal abuse until we were back in the little curtained area, and Scott was of course bored so he was acting like he was going to poke me with his finger, which was making me tense up, hurt more, and call out STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT. Because that's then the nurse came back in immediately and asked me if I ever felt threatened at home and if I wasn't comfortable answering in front of my husband they could make him leave. So, you know, we all got a good laugh out of that one, because no, I don't feel threatened by my husband. Embarrassed? Um. Kind of. On a scale of 1 to 10? How about 19.

The doctor decided it was strained muscles and pinched nerves and here, have some percocet and valium. Which normal people would have probably thought was AWESOME, but I immediately started freaking out, because celebrities take these pills all the time and you know what? THEY DIE. These pills aren't safe, and you can't mix them, and what kind of doctor are you, giving me pills that will kill me? NOBODY EVEN WEIGHED ME. How do you know the correct dosage if no one weighed me? I know how it works people, I OWN STOCK IN EMERGENCY ROOMS. And they assured me, repeatedly, that it would be ok, that they were safe to take together, or apart, or however I wanted to take them, and I shouldn't worry about it. And I must not have looked convinced, because then the nurse told Scott he might want to start out with two valium, that it might help EVERYONE get some sleep. And I was still arguing when Scott drug me out of there; I was still double and triple checking exactly how to safely administer the narcotic drugs. BUT I TOOK SOME ADVIL THREE HOURS AGO. Did you count that? Nobody asked me about that. CAN YOU MIX IT WITH ADVIL?

And I'm pretty sure the nurse and doctor think I'm crazy. And I'm also pretty sure if I went back in claiming spousal abuse they would probably side with Scott.

It's the thought that counts. I think.

2010-05-05T23:39:00.009-04:00

My birthday is April 18th. The kids started talking about it around February 23rd, when Ashlyn had hers. After that there aren't any until mine, and that was discussed at length: "Guess who's got a birthday coming up?" and "Guess who's getting presents soon!" and "Can we buy Mama that wii game I want?" So anyway, it's not like the day actually snuck up on anyone. How can people say that anyway? "Well, it snuck up on me." What? It's the SAME DAY every single year, and the calendar works the SAME WAY every single year, so it's not a trick to fool you into missing it. That's a bad excuse. Instead of saying it snuck up on you why not just man up and say you weren't paying attention, or you procrastinated to the point of where it was too late? Or that you flat out don't care one?

We live in Korea. At Christmas we found that Korea doesn't have a lot to offer in the way of gifts. I thought at the time that it was because we didn't have a car, and there was all that snow everywhere, and we just didn't know where to look. The PX here is bad, really bad. The toy section is bad and the clothes section is bad and the list just goes on and on. I had a hard time, a really really hard time, coming up with stuff to buy for the kids for Christmas, and I had a hard time finding things for Scott. And when Scott went out on December 23rd to pick up some gifts for me, he had a hard time too.

We talked about it at Christmas, how we were going to have to start birthday shopping weeks in advance because whatever we bought would have to be shipped from somewhere other than Korea, so for it to get here in time it needed to be ordered about 2 weeks in advance and shipped priority so we could then sit back and cross our fingers and hope and pray it got here. So for Skylar's in January I found a really cute doll house online and told my mom about it, she ordered it from ToysRUs and then I ordered all the extra rooms along with a couple other small things. They got here in plenty of time and I wrapped them up and all was good. And Skylar plays with that doll house every single day. Good call, Jennifer!

As we perused Korea and the various shopping establishments off post Ashlyn found a really soft, really warm blanket for her bed. She'd take one of those for her birthday, thanks, unless we wanted to buy her an iPod touch, which I thought about for about half a second before saying ARE YOU CRAZY? I mean seriously, do you even know where you DS is right now? Or your digital camera? Or the charger to either one of them? No? Well then, let's by all means go out and spend several hundred dollars on another piece of electronics you can lose; now, how about a blanket? We also did go ahead and get her a cell phone, the prepaid kind, with something like 1000 minutes for $9 that I gave to her along with a threat that I would absolutely string her up by her toes in the closet under the stairs if she started texting people or giving out the number to her friends. We will not, I told her, buy minutes more than once a month (the way Korean pre-paid cell phones work, or the way I understand them to work, is your minutes keep adding up but you have to renew each month for $9, for which you get an additional 1000 minutes. I could be way off here; the guy spoke very limited, very broken English.) Because the second she used all her minutes doing that kind of thing and I went to pick her up from someplace and she wasn't where she said she'd be and she couldn't call because she'd been yakking to all her buddies an her minutes were all gone was the same exact second she would start walking everywhere she needed/wanted to go. Scott said under no circumstances would we be spending more than $9 a month on a phone for an 11 year old who only needed to use it to get in touch with me when chorus got out 15 minutes early. There was also that other time it came in really handy though, that time Skylar, Lisa and I accidentally got on the wrong subway train and didn't realize it for a little while, and didn't get back in time for school to be let out. So, other than when her mother does something stupid, she doesn't really need it, and of course most of the time she doesn't even carry it. Like MOST OF THE TIMES I TRY TO CALL HER.

Then. My birthday. I imagine a window opening up in the sky and a ray of light shining down onto that specific date on the calendar. Not really. But anyway, Scott's mom came to visit and she left the morning of the 17th, which was a Saturday. So that afternoon we all went to the PX so I could browse a different aisle from the rest of them, who were going to be buying PRESENTS!! Well, it didn't go as planned, because there's just nothing there to buy for you, mama, we just couldn't find anything. And they decided not to buy something just for the sake of buying something, which I can't argue with and won't argue with. I appreciate not being given something they don't like, that they aren't sure I'll like, just so there will be a present there. At one point though while we were in the PX I was looking at a rack of earrings, not "real" jewelry mind you, just the costume stuff and I pointed out to Ashlyn a couple of pairs I thought were cute, so that's what they bought.

And Scott was in a bad mood for the rest of the night, because he was in Iraq last year so I basically bought my own presents and this year he was back and he wanted to buy me stuff and he couldn't find anything to buy. And he didn't even like the earrings, but he wasn't going to not give me anything at all, and the girls were upset because they thought the earrings would be fine, so he just bought them until he could find something else, something better. This was just like at Christmas, when we found that shopping the day before was a bad idea because when you couldn't find anything to buy it was already too late to look on the internet.

The next day, my actual birthday, we went to the food court here to eat dinner. There are no restaurants here that you can count on, they don't understand consistency here, so rather than go out and spend a lot of money on bad food that isn't satisfying, we went to Subway, because have you had their new flatbread? It's so satisfying. And you can count on it to consistently taste the same, so there are no awkward surprises and tears and shouting. Afterwards, we went over to the Baskin Robbins counter to buy an ice cream cake. Have I mentioned how much I love birthday cake? I love it. Love, love, love it. I like cheesecake, and peach cobbler, and stuff like that, but nothing beats birthday cake. Nothing. Well we walked over to get one and they didn't have any. So we just went home. And for two days Scott apologized about not getting me any presents, and not getting me a cake, and giving me a crappy birthday, and not putting gas in the car the last time which made me think I was going to run out, and that one time two years ago when he said my hair looked bad and I cried about it.

Five days after my birthday is Scott's birthday. And you know what? Scott loves meatloaf. Now, I think meatloaf is one of the nastiest things on the face of the earth, along with coconut, feet and the sound of someone brushing their teeth. I don't know why, because isn't it basically just a hamburger shaped like a loaf of bread? It just seems so heavy, I guess, that I don't care for it at all. You know what else Scott likes? German chocolate cake. You know, with coconut frosting. So guess what we did. I got Becky The World's Best Baker to send me recipes for meatloaf and german chocolate cake, went out and bought all the stuff, and started at 2:00 in the afternoon on Scott's birthday cooking and baking. Oh, and the girls made cupcakes, because nobody else was willing to commit to eating the german chocolate cake and we needed something to enjoy too.

Let me tell you, this meatloaf was the bomb. I had to finely mince carrots, and onions, and celery, and put in various sauces, and hamburger meat, and italian sausage, and spices, and then, THEN I had to put my hands in the bowl with all of it and mix it up. With my hands. And I think it was at that point Ashlyn said "Oh I feel so sorry for you, mom." and even Haley teared up a little bit and asked what the other choices were for dinner, like, what side dishes were we having again? Because maybe she needed to have another after-school snack.

Oh, and I have to add that right in the middle of all of this water started coming out of the bottom of the refrigerator so I called the housing people and they sent a small Korean man to my house, who proceeded to take all the food out of the freezer and the top two shelves of the refrigerator, spread it out on the counter, and then start working on the refrigerator with a screwdriver and a hair dryer. So there was me, Ashlyn and Haley, and the Korean man all in the kitchen, with both the refrigerator and the freezer door wide open, and every dish I own out on the counter, along with all the food we had that needed refrigeration.

Then we made a german chocolate cake from scratch. With flour and cocoa and buttermilk, which, oh by the way, they don't sell at the commissary, so we had to get the next best thing, some powder in a can, and MAKE OUR OWN FREAKING BUTTERMILK. I am not even joking. And after that we had to wash all the beaters and mixing bowls and then make two batches of strawberry cupcakes, which we did not make from scratch, and looking back we should have because it would have made the story so much better. Then we had to let it all cool while I finished up mixing the meatloaf and peeling 10 pounds of potatoes because I have a lot of kids and I didn't feel really secure in the fact that they would be eating meatloaf. Next was the huge fight over how many cupcakes SHE was icing, and how SHE did two more than I did, and how SHE was hurrying so she could do the most, and where are the sprinkles, LOOK MOM, SKYLAR IS EATING THE SPRINKLES STRAIGHT FROM THE SPRINKLE JAR, and Owen came in wanting to help, so he and I made the coconut pecan frosting, after we TOASTED THE STUPID PECANS because there's nothing half-ass about me and DON'T YOU FORGET IT, and Owen decided that this couldn't possibly be the stuff I was going to put on that chocolate cake over there cooling on the racks, because it didn't look anything like frosting and he wasn't going to eat any of it, he'd just have a cupcake. So basically I'm making a meatloaf that no one is going to eat besides Scott, and a cake that no one is going to eat besides Scott. And I'm sweating like nobody's business, so on top of the onions and the celery and the cocoa smell I also smell like feet.

HAPPY FREAKING BIRTHDAY, EAT YOUR MEATLOAF AND YOUR CAKE AND YOU'D BETTER FREAKING LIKE IT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER LIKED ANYTHING BEFORE IN YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE.

We also went and got some presents, some new nike running shorts and shirts because Scott runs off post in the mornings and you're not supposed to be advertising Army PT off post by wearing the uniform. Actually, you're not supposed to advertise Army anything here off post, you're supposed to blend in. Which is difficult for us because we don't really look Asian. Or speak Korean. We also got him some dark jeans, which look so awesome on him I've asked him to wear them every single day when he gets home from work and takes off his ACUs, and a computer game for his computer, because I have the same game on my computer and he hogs it all the time, which cuts into my Facebook time. And I mean, come on. I HAVE TO HARVEST.

Five days after Scott's birthday is Owen's birthday. And Owen is really into nerf guns and shooting nerf darts at that cat we got, so he had one already, Meena bought him one while she was visiting, and I bought him another one and lots and lots of darts, along with a movie and a wii game. Then, we made a brownie pizza on the pampered chef pizza stone (hint: if you put parchment paper on the stone and spread the brownie batter on it the batter won't run off when it cooks and you can make a big brownie pizza!), topped with marshmallows and chocolate drizzle. For dinner Owen had his choice and he chose...wait for it...Taco Bell. He's going to make a great husband one day. It's my birthday. Taco Bell and brownies, please.

Five days after Owen's birthday is our wedding anniversary. Are you starting to see a pattern? (Amy, I know you see it and I know I'm making you absolutely giddy with all my "tendencies") So, two days before my anniversary Scott takes Owen to the PX to "try to buy a new Wii". This whole "we need a new Wii" thing is a totally separate story, but a good one nonetheless, and I will be featuring all of THOSE sordid details in an upcoming post. When they got home they didn't have a Wii, and Scott looked dejected again, saying Oh well, I was gonna try to get you a picture from the PX but it's not going to work.

--(there's a guy at the PX annex who takes a picture and then burns it into wood, and it's absolutely amazing. i cannot believe the detail he gets into them, and I comment every time we pass them about how pretty they are.)--

Scott took my favorite wedding picture to the guy, along with a poem the girls helped him pick out online somewhere, for the guy to burn into wood. It turns out it would take him 2 weeks to get it finished, so there's no way it'd be ready anytime near our anniversary (2 days away), and also the picture Scott took had that "soft glow" look to it and the guy said he couldn't get enough detail from it to make it look right. Scott apologized for striking out, again, and made the executive decision that we weren't buying each other anything for our anniversary this year, because he couldn't find anything to buy me. We also didn't go out to eat, instead I made taco salad, so the hamburger meat wouldn't spoil.

So, you know, it kind of started off on a slight downward slant and by the end it was a flat-out free-fall. And Scott has been in a continuous state of apology, and I can't figure out if I'm sad, hurt, mad, or indifferent to the whole situation. He's a male, after all, and he understands the planning that goes into birthday/anniversary present buying about as well as he understands the planning that goes into getting all the separate food dishes to be ready to eat at the exact same time when you make dinner. What? It's all going to be ready at the same time? Without one or two parts having to sit in the microwave for half an hour? WHAT MADNESS.

Yesterday Haley came home from school with a flower she planted for me for Mother's Day, one that she was supposed to keep in her classroom and bring home Friday, but they apparently planted these flowers on Earth Day, last month, because her teacher thought it would be easier to only get the potting soil out with all the 3rd graders ONE time. So these flowers had just about lived out their life expectancy in the classroom, and the teacher was shocked they had started dying, and everyone was afraid they were going to die before Sunday so she sent them all home. Even better, to ruin the surprise even more, she sent out an email BEFORE school was out, letting us know our children, our sweet little 9 year olds who absolutely live for surprises, had patiently and lovingly planted us flowers and they were now half dead so they were bringing them home today, Happy Mother's Day, SURPRISE!

(last night, when Scott got home:)

"Daddy! Look at the pretty yellow flower I planted for Mama at school."

"Why did you plant a flower for her?"

"Because Sunday is Mother's Day!"

(looking rather alarmed and looking at me) "Sunday is Mother's Day?"

"Yeah! Didn't you know?"

"Sunday is Mother's Day. Shit. I CAN'T CATCH A BREAK."

And he's already apologizing for how badly Sunday is going to go.

Well, there's something to be said for NOT living in a state of anticipation, I guess, for not wondering what's inside all the nicely wrapped PRESENTS!! Needless to say, since moving to Korea, I've lowered my bar. Actually, you can't really even see the bar anymore, because it's covered in dirt.

Venti, nonfat caramel chai, please.

2010-04-29T05:43:00.004-04:00

Toby Keith is singing about half a mile from my house. Right now.

I don't know if that "does it" for any of you, but I'm kinda on the fence. I'm just not the type of person who thinks going to musical concerts is a big deal. I mean, I've been to some concerts before; once I saw Vince Gill and Reba McEntire, and one time I saw Aerosmith, and one time I saw a third group/person (apparently that made such an impression I cannot even manage to remember who it was, and no, I wasn't on drugs at the time, I only did drugs when I was pregnant). And I will say the Aerosmith concert was one of the best things I've ever seen, and to this day they are my most favorite group in the whole wide, wide world, and Stephen Tyler is so freaking awesome that I can't even talk about him in front of Scott because it feels like ADULTERY. But to be the type of person who camps out for tickets, who feels like if I don't get to go a piece of me will be lost forever? Hmmm.

So here's the deal. They started putting up posters all over post that TOBY KEITH IS COMING about a month ago. And boy oh boy did tongues start wagging. Suddenly all the people here in this craphole had something to live for. OH THE ANTICIPATION. It was like pure heaven. Toby Freaking Keith. Here. In Korea. For all of us to go see!

And then. Then the S Korean navy had to go get blown up by ~~the N Koreans~~ some unseen something or another floating independently of the ship.

Let me take a second to say that I am truly, deeply, sorry for all their losses. Their Army is not a voluntary army, so the government makes these young guys serve a tour. And for them to take these young men, and make them serve, and promise their mamas they were going to be fine, and then put them on a ship and lose them, not only to death, but to the sea (as some were not recovered)? It's very sad. The whole country is in mourning. Right now, when Toby Keith is here to sing to us.

I am not saying this in any way to take anything away from any soldiers/airmen/sailors/marines the US has lost in combat. It makes me all kinds of angry when people dismiss the hardships of a military family by saying "Well, they signed up for this."

"They chose to be in the military, so it's their problem if they have to live in Korea where it smells like wet cabbage."

"They chose to be in the military, so it's their fault their kids will be brats."

"They chose to be in the military, so if they are worried about their Daddy/Mama never coming home from Iraq/Afghanistan, well, they chose that life. It's their problem. Don't feel badly for them."

Ahem. At least we didn't choose to be asses about it.

Anyway, I totally understand that when a tragedy of this magnitude occurs it's kind of hard to cement a timeline into place that will appease everyone. Heck, they were still looking for bodies, and here all us ugly Americans were, shopping for what we were going to wear when we all went to see Toby.

So someone from Korea stepped up like, on Tuesday or some day ridiculously close to the concert, and decided that it was totally inappropriate for all us Americans to have an outdoor concert full of good times while S Korea was in mourning. I've heard people ask, and I have even wondered myself about, just how long the period of mourning is going to last. I know realistically you cannot put a time period on grief; each person moves through grief at their own speed. But because there could be no outdoor singing and whatnot, the USO moved Toby from the golf course to the inside of the gym. And the seating accommodations went from "there's room for everyone" to "1200 people can come".

And my goodness did it hit the fan after that.

So people took to Facebook, and it was ugly. And the page I frequent on there, the one I like to read to Scott in the evenings because people get on there for no reason other than to stir up crap and it's hilarious, it literally crashed. They even started to police the site, and you could watch it in real time, and comments would pop up, and when the page refreshed they would be gone, blamed on some "facebook glitch".

Then, someone decided there should be tickets. You must get issued a ticket to get into the concert. And somehow, someway, 1200 tickets are going to be equally distributed between units and companies made up of 25,000 soldiers AND THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS. But it would be fair, mind you, so there could be no complaints. Let me tell you something: "fair" is a state of mind, not a state of being. That's what I think, anyway. There's NO WAY this is going to come close to working. You want to know what would make this fair? Lower enlisted get to go. Period. Those guys, the ones who live in the barracks and don't have a car, that you see at the mini mall at night eating tacos and watching basketball on the big screen from two days ago that everyone already knows the final score to? Letting those be the ones who get to go. THAT would be fair. Only, guess what? The Army didn't ask me what I thought would be the best way to handle it, so instead they just gave out tickets.

And what do you know, it turned out kind of badly. And people went on Facebook and trashed the system, while others said they didn't know what they would do if they didn't get tickets, because their life would be over if they didn't get to go see Toby because he was their favorite and they had waited their whole life to see him and they had gotten a babysitter and everything and NOW WHAT? WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

And little by little people started getting tickets. People who had been trash talking suddenly came up with tickets. There were units that were given a total of 10 tickets, and suddenly there were people with 4, 5, even 6 tickets. Today people were actually UNFRIENDED on Facebook because of this. I am not even joking. Lines were drawn, people were called names, bad names, and insults were hurled and the poor moderator of the Facebook page kept pleading "Remember the fallen Koreans!" and it didn't matter. Everyone had moved past the "why" of it all and were too busy feeling cheated to care anymore.

This afternoon someone decided to give out "space-A" tickets. I sincerely hope all 10 MPs here are hanging out near the gym when THAT has to be dealt with. Because I'm sure no one is going to get pushy over who was in which position in line. This will be talked about for months. Months. Not the fallen S Korean sailors, but the fact that so-and-so didn't get to go to the Toby Keith concert because a: the S Koreans were being unreasonable, or b: someone hogged all the tickets because they're in good with so-and-so. And it's a shame, because it's such a small, small thing. Or maybe I just feel that way because I've never seen him in concert, so I don't know what I'm missing. Or maybe it's because I'm just not a concert type person. I'm not sure. I just think it's a big overreaction. I don't feel in any way that my not going to this concert takes anything away from my quality of life. A month from now Toby will be a distant memory and you know what? I'll still be living in Korea. And it will still stink like wet cabbage.

I mean, let's talk about shutting down the Starbucks here if you are concerned with quality of life. (shudder)

Gawd.

Modeling 101

2010-04-26T20:01:00.003-04:00

I think we had been in Korea about 2 weeks when one day we were walking to the PX from our house in 12 feet of snow and sub-zero temperatures, each of us mumbling about how we hated everybody else when we were approached by a Korean lady. Actually, we were walking one way and she was on the other side of the street and she started screaming "Oh, Hello!" over and over while trying to cross the road and not get run over by the taxis that routinely go 70 mph, rain, shine, or 12 feet of snow.

She then proceeded to ask me if she could take some pictures of my kids. Now see, this might bother some people, but we got used to this type of behavior from Asians when we lived in Hawaii and had two small, blonde children who tanned very nicely. Back in those days we went to the beach almost every day and spent hours having Asians walk up to us, hand us their camera, and then go stand beside our children and smile. That was about the same time Ashlyn and Haley became masters at getting their picture taken. No matter what else is going on, you say "Smile" and they snap to attention and make an awesome picture. Then along came Owen who, if it is possible, takes a better picture than his older sisters. Finally, along came Skylar, and it all went to hell in a handbasket quicker than you can say "Obama Health Care Reform".

Anyway, this lady is babbling about how the kids should model and she's an agent and SMILE! SMILE! SMILE! I'd heard of this from several people, that agents would approach you and try to represent your kids, because they want good, clean American kids selling clothes to Koreans. "Look! If you wear these clothes you will look just like this blonde, tanned American kid with bright blue eyes!" And they fall for it hook, line and sinker, much like I fall for it EVERY SINGLE TIME I buy something from the Victoria's Secret catalog.

So she took the pictures of Haley, because she pulled a tape measure out of her purse and measured Ashlyn and decided she was too tall. She called me two days later and said Haley was squinting in the picture so she needed to take another one, and could she come to the house sometime. I said sure, just give me a call whenever, what else do I have to do anyway, and that was that. Since then we've been approached by two other people who took pictures of all 4 kids, and really I'd forgotten about it because it's just not important to me for them to model.

Well, they called for Ashlyn. There was a company, the Korean lady said, called "Peer Garden", who chose Ashlyn to model some of their clothes and could we make it? We didn't have anything planned and Ashlyn said she wanted to try it out so I took her and off we went. And the whole time we were waiting for Ashlyn to get finished with hair and make-up I had a conversation with another parent (there were two girls and two boys) about exactly which company it was the children were modeling for. I would like to say before I finish this story that I feel totally vindicated about this because this other parent, who is in the military herself and is a very high ranking person in the medical field and therefore extremely bright, also heard "Peer Garden" and also had never heard of it before, but gosh the clothes hanging over there are really cute and a little expensive looking.

So there were two hair and make-up people, and each child had their own handler-type person who followed them around and helped them get dressed and hung up the cute, expensive looking clothes when the kids took them off and left them in a wad on the floor. There were also two or three seamstresses there pinning and sewing if needed; I'm not really sure how many of them there were because they kept moving and boy do these people look alike here. On top of that there was a photographer and two of his assistants, along with about three other people who seemed to have no responsibilities whatsoever except to comment and ooh and ahh. And they gave us fruit and breads and bagels and something resembling cream cheese, which I decided immediately not to eat because I'VE TOTALLY FALLEN FOR THAT BEFORE SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE, and we're sitting on comfy couches reading fashion magazines like Vogue and another parent comes up and mentions that her son modeled for this company for their last shoot back in the fall. At that point the second parent asks "Oh really, well what is the name? Peer something? We couldn't really understand..." And the lady starts laughing and says "Oh, that's just the Koreans not understanding the way Americans stress their words. It's not Peer Garden. It's Pierre Cardin."

What? Pierre Cardin? Like, in Italy and France and IN THIS VOGUE MAGAZINE? Good Lord. So I acted totally cool about it, probably most likely because I was thinking that maybe that really WAS cream cheese after all. Oh, and Ashlyn (Ash-a-leen as they liked to call her) help model their spring line for what I'm assuming will be some of their print ads. And she got money and a free pair of shoes while I ate croissants and drank sparkling grape juice.

I am such a pimp. But hey, life is good for a pimp.

Baby Genius

2010-04-26T07:52:00.003-04:00

"Oh good Lord. What happened in here? Who made this mess? What is that on the floor"

"I don't know."

"What is that liquid on the carpet? Who tore up all that paper? Who wrote on the dog? HOW LONG WAS I IN THE BATHROOM?"

"Mommy, you know what would make it ALL better?"

"No, Skylar, I have no idea. What? What would make it all better?"

"A margarita."

Christmas 2009

2009-12-25T01:21:00.002-05:00

Well, Santa managed to find us all the way out here in South Korea. There's no hiding from that guy. I think he was here around 1 this morning and thank God nobody got up until a little after 9.

There were many challenges for Santa this year, as Lucinda was telling Will, Santa used to make all the toys but now it's cheaper to buy them in China and that's why Santa brings will the same stuff he sees over at WalMart. Well, it's the same here, Will. It's just plain cheaper for Santa to just pick stuff up at the PX here on the post rather than haul it all the way here from the North Pole in his sleigh. With the cost of gas these days it's best to keep the ride light. Unfortunately the PX here is the definition of SUCK and he didn't really want to venture out into Seoul because SANTA DOESN'T SPEAK KOREAN. So, you get what you get.

Santa brought Haley a karaoke machine. I'd like to shoot Santa in the face for that moment of weakness, but I'm sure it was just nerves because he had nothing for Haley to open and was desperate. By the way, Owen sings a rousing rendition of "Take me out to the ballpark" that will absolutely bring the house down.

Santa also brought some Hershey's Bliss creme de menthe meltaway candy. Score one for Santa, those things are awesome. If I wasn't married I'd marry him for bringing those. Oh wait...nevermind.

And if you don't already own a pair of Elmo Tickle Hands and Santa doesn't bring you any, you need to get some JUST SO you can watch the accompanying sing along/dance along DVD. That's 5 minutes YOU DON'T NEED TO MISS. It's worth whatever you have to pay for the hands.

Scott got me a Sony ereader, so I can download books and read them instead of buying books over and over because BOOKS COUNT AGAINST OUR WEIGHT ALLOWANCE, QUIT BUYING HEAVY, HEAVY BOOKS, JENNIFER. My ereader holds about 350 books. Take THAT, Army.

I took some pictures this morning of the kids opening their presents. It's been awhile since I've posted any pictures, I KNOW, but what do you know, I can still kind of work the camera.

And that's why we can't fly Delta anymore

2009-12-21T07:29:00.003-05:00

There's something about being on an airplane that makes a child have to use the bathroom about 47 times an hour. Especially if you are nine, like Haley.

The plane we flew on from Atlanta to Seattle was one of those with three seats, then an aisle, then three seats. I'm sure there's a specific name for a plane with this layout, but I don't know it and don't care to know it. I hate flying, it doesn't make any sense to me how it's all possible, and I don't want to learn about flying, because I hate flying.

We were lucky enough to have an entire row, and so we sat Owen near the window, then Skylar, then Scott on the aisle; I sat across the aisle with Haley in the middle and Ashlyn by the window. I would like to point out that Scott got the better end of this deal, mainly because Owen is a male and is therefore amused by the smallest of things, like, oh, say, looking out the window of an airplane for five straight hours, and Skylar is two and can be entertained by a piece of paper and fart noises.

Ashlyn, being a little on the boring side like me, spent her time reading and playing her DS, not making so much as a peep. Haley, on the other hand, made enough noise for all of us. She fidgeted, she asked questions, she dropped things, she kicked me, she whined, she picked at Ashlyn, and she climbed over me to go to the bathroom. MANY MANY TIMES.

I'm not sure what all was happening on the other side of the aisle, as I was busy perfecting my whole I'M NOT WITH THEM m.o.; all I know is everyone was perfectly entertained, and the peals of laughter and fart noises didn't seem to be bothering anyone. However, at some point Skylar noticed Haley repeatedly getting up and going to the back of the plane and asked where she was going, to which I said "nowhere" and Haley said "the bathroom" all at the same time. Skylar sat there for a second as it sunk in and she kind of half asked, half stated "This place has a BATHROOM?!"

And well, after that it was all over.

Have you ever been on an airplane? If so, did you frequent the lavatory? They are terribly small. Too small, in fact for an adult to be in there with a child. I mean, I'm sure an adult can be in the lavatory on an airplane with a normal child, one whose hair is of normal size, but Skylar's hair takes up so much freaking room we decided-

Let me take a second to explain that when I use the term "we" I use it in the loosest possible fashion and I really mean "Scott" because WE WERE ON AN AIRPLANE tens of thousands of feet above land and I was in no position to make any decisions regarding anything because I was too busy willing the plane not to fall out of the sky. Which is hard work.

So anyway, we (loosely) decided that since Haley was probably going to the bathroom all the time anyway that she could just take Skylar with her. Because Haley is accommodating if she wants to be (NEVER) and Skylar is good when she wants to be (NEVER) and this had THIS IS GOING TO GO WELL written all over it.

The first few times they went to the bathroom together there were slight disagreements over who was actually going to "go" first, which led to heated discussions inside the bathroom. These discussions were heard throughout the rear of the plane, as Skylar is unnaturally loud. Not surprisingly, Skylar got her way and from what I gather the way it worked was Skylar used the bathroom and Haley sent her out of the lavatory and back up the aisle to us and then, once Skylar was out and the door was closed again, Haley used the bathroom herself. This system seemed to work, so why mess with a good thing? Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE HALEY.

Then Skylar had to poop, and for some reason Haley wanted to exercise her rights as the older sibling to get her way, and so she insisted on "going" first, and Skylar didn't like it much, and she screamed about it, and then Skylar told Haley there was no way she would go after Haley went, that the toilet must be flushed first. This in itself is a joke, because Skylar does not flush the potty. No way, never. She will even tell you, "I'm not going to flush right now, because I'm not finished going, but I'm watching Dora and when it's over I'll come back and finish and then I'll flush." So Haley obliged and flushed.

Getting back to my question about have you ever been on a plane and used the lavatory...do you remember flushing the toilet? The sudden surge of power, the LOUD noise, the sucking down of anything not glued down that might be lying on the vanity beside the sink? Well, Skylar had never had the pleasure. And it scared the bejesus out of her. The screaming was really, really loud, and I looked at Scott and he looked at me and I was all "Are you kidding me? I'm singlehandedly KEEPING THE PLANE IN THE AIR and I can't go back there and deal with that." So we (loosely) decided Haley was doing fine and nobody needed to get up.

Haley came back without Skylar and reported that it didn't go so well, that Skylar was terrified to get on the potty after that, but Haley insisted, and Skylar fought her pretty hard, and, well, they got a TINY bit of poop on the bathroom. And on Skylar's pants. Meanwhile, Skylar is still in the bathroom, howling. Scott decided to go, because really, it was better that he deal with it so I could keep us all from plummeting to our death. He handled it brilliantly, got them all back in line and back in their seats in no time flat. Good job, Scott!!

And Delta, you're welcome for that pair of size 2T/3T panties that we (loosely) left on the plane.

Military Wives

2009-09-01T18:52:00.001-04:00

Each one may look different and each is wonderfully unique, But this they have in common:

Lots of moving...
Moving...
Moving...
Moving far from home...
Moving two cars, three kids and one dog...all riding with HER of course.
Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house; Moving curtains that won't fit; Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours.
Moving away from friends;
Moving toward new friends;
Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories.

Often waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting for housing.
Waiting for orders.
Waiting for deployments.
Waiting for phone calls.
Waiting for reunions.
Waiting for the new curtains to arrive.
Waiting for him to come home,
For dinner...AGAIN!

They call her 'Military Dependent', but she knows better:
She is fiercely In-Dependent.

She can balance a check book;
Handle the yard work;
Fix a noisy toilet;
Bury the family pet...

She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts.
She can file the taxes;
Sell a house;
Buy a car;
Or set up a move...
.....all with ONE Power of Attorney.

She welcomes neighbours that don't welcome her.
She reinvents her career with every PCS; Locates a house in the desert, The Arctic, Or the deep south.
And learns to call them all 'home'.
She MAKES them all home.

Military Wives are somewhat hasty...
They leap into:
Decorating,
Leadership,
Volunteering,
Career alternatives,
Churches,
And friendships.
They don't have 15 years to get to know people.
Their roots are short but flexible.
They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them.

Military Wives quickly learn to value each other:
They connect over coffee,
Rely on the spouse network,
Accept offers of friendship and favors.
Record addresses in pencil...

Military Wives have a common bond:
The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique.
He doesn't have a 'JOB'
He has a 'MISSION' that he can't just decide to quit...
He's on-call for his country 24/7.
But for her, he's the most unreliable guy in town!
His language is foreign
TDY
PCS
OPR
SOS
ACC
BDU
ACU
BAR
CIB
TAD
And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.
She is the long- distance link to keep them informed; the glue that holds them together.

A Military Wife has her moments:
She wants to wring his neck;
Dye his uniform pink;
Refuse to move to Siberia;
But she pulls herself together.
Give her a few days,
A travel brochure,
A long hot bath,
A pledge to the flag,
A wedding picture,
And she goes.
She packs.
She moves.
She follows.

Why?
What for?
How come?
You may think it is because she has lost her mind.
But actually it is because she has lost her heart .
It was stolen from her by a man,
Who puts duty first,
Who longs to deploy,
Who salutes the flag,
And whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military Husband, She will remain his military wife.
And would have it no other way.

(thanks, Amber)

My nervous tic

2009-08-10T09:42:00.005-04:00

Friday we went to St. Mary's to meet everyone's teacher for this school year. While we were visiting the kindergarten room I found out about a specific book that Owen needed to read before going to school this morning. So, yesterday we went to Barnes & Noble to buy the book.

There were several things I'd wanted the kids to get done around the house before going to bed last night, things like PICK UP YOUR CRAP, and I told Owen we'd read the book as a bedtime story, which I thought was a great idea because when they discussed it today in class it would be fresh in his mind. When we got home from the store Skylar was asleep, so I carried her in and the kids brought various things in from the car (meaning just their bodies--clothes, shoes, and anything else they may have taken when we left is obviously optional upon deplaning) and I forgot about bringing the book inside. And I guess because I did not say directly to one person "Go outside, open the car door, get the book, close the car door, and bring the book inside" it didn't get done.

Later in the evening Owen remembered about the book and went outside to the car to get it. He announced it to everyone, that he was going outside to get in the car and get the book, and one day people around here will start to catch on to the idea that if you want to do anything and not have a bunch of people in your face trying to do it "with you" then you need to keep your mouth shut about what your plans are. I have learned this, and I routinely go about my business in the house without making any formal speeches, and I also routinely answer questions from the peanut gallery regarding my intentions with "None of your business, go away."

Anyway, Owen told everybody what he was about to do, and Skylar decided she'd go with him. I guess when they got out to the car there was a small disagreement about who was going to carry the book inside and whose book it was and who was in charge of the universe and it ended with Owen crying and shutting Skylar in the car. Skylar retaliated by mashing her nose against the window and screaming "Rowena Rowena!"

-Rowena is a name ~~we all~~ the kids call Owen when he is whining, because it's a girl name but it still has "owen" in the middle, and oh let me tell you it gets his fur up.-

Owen got upset about this, and instead of leaving her in the car to overheat and die he came inside and got an egg.

Does anyone see where this is going?

And if any of you were wondering where I was while this was happening, I was writing a book report on the 5th grade summer reading assignment, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, while simultaneously writing a summary of the book Dinosaurs Before Dark, the 3rd grade summer reading assignment.

Thankfully Owen took a boiled egg out of the refrigerator instead of a raw one, because, as he told me later "they all look the same." Apparently Owen does not realize that when I boil eggs I put them in a bowl rather than stick them back in the egg carton. Anyway, Owen went back outside with the egg (and I really don't know what he was going to do with it, because I know he's only 5, but for Pete's sake surely, SURELY he would have known better than to do something to Skylar with what he thought was a raw egg while she was inside the car). Skylar saw him coming, saw that he had an egg, got nervous (this is pure conjecture, the nervousness part) and peed in the car.

And Owen has the nerve to come back inside and act surprised and totally uninvolved.

Ashlyn put Skylar in the shower while I went outside, got the carpet mat things out of the car, and took a tire brush and some kitchen soap and the hose and began to scrub them. The story should end there, but, you know, it doesn't, because as I was finishing up I look up and Skylar is standing in the middle of the driveway, naked and wet, babbling something about Cinderella panties and Elmo panties. When I tell her to go back inside she wants to stand there and argue about the fact that her rights as a potty-trained 2-year old should include being able to choose whichever pair of panties she wants instead of having someone else choose for her, that they are her panties and her butt, and she should be in charge of them both. And really, if this is how she feels she's going to be pretty upset when she starts having to pay taxes.

Now the mats to the car are outside in the front yard laying across the chairs from the picnic table, sunning themselves. Periodically I have to go out and check on them, flip them over so they don't get tan lines, and basically check on their well-being, as we have two dipshit dogs that live across the street that routinely come over here and take my stuff. I'm serious, I used to have a mat on the front porch that I'd find in the ditch or in the driveway or in the neighbor's yard that finally disappeared for good. So I'm just making sure that the mats make it back into the car once they are satisfied with their UV content.

Today was the first day of school.

THANK YOU SWEET JESUS.

I thought Skylar would like to sit on the bed and watch some Dora, so I left here there and did some laundry, but when I came back she wasn't there, and I found her (again) on a chair in the kitchen with the dog treats chunking them by the handful at Heidi, who was moving as fast as her seal-like, 24 pound body can move. Now I'm going to get in the shower, and I guess I'll just hope that she doesn't burn down the house. Which would not be as big of a stretch for her as you might think.

On another note, t-minus 3 hours for my friend April (GOOD LUCK!) and 7 hours for my friend Amy (don't maul him in the airport, it sets a bad example for the children).

Why I plan on getting the International Calling Plan

2009-08-07T00:35:00.002-04:00

because it'd just be a cryin' shame to miss out on phone conversations like this:

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Oh, not much. Just watching this t.v. show on how to grow pot."

Memories

2009-07-07T23:31:00.005-04:00

Remember when I was pregnant with you, Skylar, and I was so very sick almost the entire time?
Remember when you were a baby, Skylar, and you cried all the time? Every day? Every single day? For hours and hours?
Remember a while back, Skylar, when you began to stomp your foot whenever I told you "no" and say I wasn't your friend anymore?

Remember today, when you said I never do anything for you?

Remember all the times I've been so incredibly tired and you've refused to sleep?

Remember when you colored the wall?

Remember when you colored the dog?

Remember when you flushed the telephone down the toilet?

Remember when you hit Ashlyn with the bat?

Remember when you hit Haley with the bat?

Remember when you hit Owen with the bat?

I bet you got a good laugh out of all that stuff, didn't you?

WELL BABY, WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?

Orange!

2009-06-29T22:59:00.009-04:00

Owen recently tested for his orange belt in his karate class. This is a video of basic form 1. (I would link to the form but good grief I have no idea which version he's doing here) The best part is if you listen to what the teacher, Mr. Ricky, is saying about focusing vs. letting your mind wander, and then watch and see what Owen is doing.

Even though he totally messes up about halfway through, for his test he did the entire form (among other things) for the teacher all by himself and didn't mess up any.

He is by far the smallest in the class, and I would say that makes him the cutest, but honestly, he doesn't need any help with that!

Divided attention

2009-06-25T22:57:00.002-04:00

"Mama, will you read me and Skylar this book?"

(me on the computer on facebook) "Mmmhmm."

"Ewww, Skylar look at this picture! Look Mama!"

(me never taking my eyes off the computer) "Mmmhmm. Yeah."

"Look! He's NAKED!" (LOTS of laughing)

"What book are you read--ASHLYN!!!"

And here it comes

2009-06-19T21:44:00.007-04:00

"Hey Mama, I'm finally reading the second part of this book. What's this word?"

"Fah-low-pee-an. Fallopi--What book is this?"

"It's called The Changing Me."

SHOOT ME. SHOOT ME NOW. IN THE FACE PREFERABLY.

FORE!!

2009-06-05T16:01:00.006-04:00

I thought this might be a good way to kind of take control back from Skylar's hair, to stick a headband on her head and let all that curl poof out the back, but it turns out I'm still just fooling myself. There is not a chance in hell of containing this stuff. I mean, it works for like 15 minutes, right up until the sheer force of the curl pushes the headband past its limit and it shoots off the back of her head and takes somebody's eye out. Which is fine and all at home, but random people eating in restaurants don't particularly enjoy it. Go figure.

I will never buy a GPS

2009-06-01T23:12:00.004-04:00

Well, April and I made it out to San Angelo with relatively no incident, except for one that will forever remain a secret between the two of us and Amy, who was so tired when I told her I'm sure she doesn't remember it.

The same cannot be said for the return trip yesterday, a trip that without a doubt shaved 2.5 years off my life and added countless gray hairs. It also answered a question I've been asking myself for about a month, that being whether or not I wanted a GPS.

I would now like to issue an official statement:

Scott, don't worry I will never spend your hard earned money on a GPS.

I have my reasons, one of which includes taking some road no one's ever heard of or traveled on out in West Bumble, Texas, bypassing Abilene without bothering to tell me, us having no gas because we planned on getting some when we went through Abilene, a tiny bit of panic in the car, and then that panic turning into something just shy of rage directed at GPS Lady when she had us turn onto C.R. 406, a pleasant, single lane dirt road and telling me to drive on that same single lane dirt road for 20 miles. Another reason was April having to wake Brandon up really early and ~~yell~~ talk in a shrill, panicked voice, while I called my dad and used the same exact voice to have him try and calculate just how many more miles we could go once the low fuel light came on. Another reason? Me resigning myself to the fact that we were indeed going to run out of gas, that we had no idea where we were in relation to the rest of North America, and that in order to save my life and April's life I was going to have to walk for several miles and knock on the door of the first house I found and beg for either gas or a zip code. In flip flops. And oh yes, there was also the thing with the cow.

The other reasons I'm not going to mention because there are so many bad words involved that I would have to edit out I'm afraid you wouldn't be able to understand what I was even trying to say.

We did manage to get back to I-20, where there are many, many gas stations to choose from should you begin to run low on fuel. Yes, we eventually hooked up with I-20 in Shreveport. Louisiana. Roughly 442 miles from where we started.

I am placing the blame for all this directly on GPS Lady. You have no idea the feelings you experience when you are lost in West Texas with no gas trying to find a gas station and GPS Lady tells you to turn through a fence and into a pasture. There was no road. And the screen shows a nice big yellow road and she's screaming "turn left now" and April's screaming "we're all going to die, there's no hope" and the only thing you can think about is the movie Cast Away. And then since there's no road there you have to take the next best thing, a stupid, single lane dirt road. For 20 miles for crying out loud. Oh, the feelings. Just thinking about it now gets me all choked up.

So now I'm completely untrusting of the GPS. I will never be sold on them. I just don't think I can ever truly forgive and forget. I will forever be haunted by the sound of GPS Lady's voice saying "recalculating...recalculating" followed by the shrill laugh used by people who have let the taste of raw power go to their head.

Things like this happen and I'm inclined to spend money, just to make me feel better. I'm thinking about buying myself some of that Custom Lasik. As if yesterday wasn't bad enough today I found out that my eye prescription is such that I am considered legally blind. Woo freaking Hoo. Next I'm buying lottery tickets.

Why everyone should have a Skylar

2009-05-25T14:07:00.002-04:00

Reason #1:

"Mama, I don't have a tallywacker."

"No, you don't."

"Only boys have a tallywacker."

"Yes, that's right, only boys."

"And I'm a girl."

"Yes, you're a girl."

"Mama, do you know what girls have?"

"Um, no."

"BUTTS."

"Yeah, but boys have butts too, Skylar."

"Not in the front!"

Reason #2: (spoken very loudly, inside a very crowded restaurant)

"Skylar, finish eating."

"Okay mama, I'm gonna finish eating."

"Thank you."

"All my food, mama. I'm gonna finish all my food."

"Good."

"That way I can get big, mama. And then I can have BOOBIES."

Still growing

2009-04-26T21:39:00.002-04:00

I honestly don't think I could ever properly convey the phenomenon that is Skylar's hair.

But this comes close.

It'll put hair on your chest

2009-04-26T21:33:00.003-04:00

"It's eggplant. I grilled it and then put mozzarella cheese on top."

(chewing) "It's okay."

"Scott, what do you mean it's okay? You don't like it?"

"No, I do like it. It's just that it's missing something."

"What? Like a spice or something?"

"No...like meat."

Ashlyn gets baptized

2009-04-26T21:21:00.003-04:00

This morning Ashlyn got baptized. And I really don't know what the heck is up with the camera, but all the pictures have a yellowish background. I have a very nice camera, and because it's so big it's a little hard to stick it in my purse so for Christmas Scott bought me a very nice, very small camera specifically to carry in my purse, and I still don't understand what setting the little dial needs to be on for the pictures to be any good.

Just about everyone we know came to church with us this morning, and Roni (my sister-in-law) sang How Great Thou Art and my gosh if you weren't there then wow did you miss out. I asked her to sing something that would bring the house down. Well, she had a standing ovation before she even finished the song. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Anyway, if anyone knows how to work my specific type of camera, let me know. Because my SLR is a lot easier than this point-and-shoot thing.

iPhone

2009-04-16T22:41:00.004-04:00

I can't say enough about it.

The only thing better than my new iPhone is doing anything with my new iPhone INSIDE THE MINIVAN.

I hate that minivan by the way. I'll admit, I was a little unsure as to whether or not I'd like driving a minivan, but I bit the bullet and bought one, then about a week later I was sitting there and it was like "Whoa, this thing is AWESOME! Look at the doors! They open by themselves! Look at all the room we have! And XM radio. And a DVD. And the leather smells so nice. I LOVE THIS MINIVAN."

But you know what? I had a lot of room, XM radio, a DVD, and leather (it smelled a little like spoiled milk but anyway) in my other car, and that car was paid for. I loved that car. I miss that car. So basically it all boils down to the automatic doors, and really, am I that lazy that I can't use a door handle and pull open a door? And the minivan has a sunroof, and I hate sunroofs. And as weird as it sounds, there is no storage in the minivan. Honestly, where am I supposed to put the DVD cases for the DVD we are watching? There is no place to put them other than the floor. I can't figure it out. I'm riding around in a spacious minivan and there's no place to put all my crap. It's maddening. Then yesterday a CD got stuck in the changer. So the screen popped up a message that said CD STUCK-YOU'RE SCREWED.

So I've decided I hate it, and I hate driving it. I'm buying me a Saab. What? All my kids won't fit? WHERE DO I SIGN?

Cuddle buddies

2009-04-16T22:39:00.001-04:00

All the blogging I could do

2009-04-16T21:58:00.003-04:00

The other day as I was watching Ashlyn and Haley beat the ever loving crap out of each other I thought "Wow, I should make a blog or something so I can keep everyone up to date on what these kids are doing." Then I remembered Oh yeah.

Tomorrow April is coming to spend the night so we can get up Saturday morning and run 3.1 miles voluntarily. Not only is this voluntary, but we also paid the people to let us do it. April is hoping to set some kind of record. I am hoping not to die.

This should be very entertaining, however probably not as entertaining as this afternoon, when Jenny said "Let's go feed the ducks!" and so we took my 4 and her 2 and picked up Grandma and went to the lake. There was a small mishap at the lake, and there are no pictures of it, simply because instead of taking pictures I was too busy trying to decide if I was gonna laugh it off or be pissed.

See, there was some mud at the lake, and Skylar comes hauling right through the middle of it and somehow she doesn't fall, but her shoes are sucked right off her feet into the puddle. And Jenny and I are all "Oh no! Look out for the mud!" but Mary Kate either doesn't hear us or just decides to ignore us and she tries to run right through it and the next thing you know she's naked and crying and Jenny is using a baby wipe trying to get her cleaned up and so I'm all "Look! We told you guys to watch out for the mud!" and wouldn't you know it right after that Owen is naked right beside Mary Kate and we're out of wipes.

And no one could understand why we had to leave. It's no wonder I seldom leave my house anymore.

All-knowing

2009-03-31T21:35:00.005-04:00

"Hey Mama, you know what's totally not fair?"

"You mean other than life?"

Asking all runners

2009-03-23T21:50:00.004-04:00

I'm running in a 5K on my birthday.

Yeah, I'm just gonna let you soak that in for a minute. Amber, quit laughing.

I am not a runner, I have never been a runner, but I've decided that I'm getting old and I need to exercise more so I can live a long, healthy life despite the massive amounts of alcohol I consume on a daily basis.

I've also managed to bully April and Jenny into running with me, so if any of you are lacking for entertainment you really need to come watch. I started "training" about three weeks ago and I'm currently at about a 10-minute mile pace. I am not at that pace because I'm a decent runner though, I'm at that pace because running is boring as hell and I'm basically trying to get finished as quickly as I can. I started off just seeing what I could do and tried to run a 12-minute mile pace and almost died right there it was so freaking boring. The next week I bumped it up to a 6 mph pace just to shave off 6 minutes of the monotony. Watching the tv on the treadmill helps tremendously, and I have no idea how I will possibly run 3.1 miles without being able to watch Live! with Regis and Kelly or the E! True Hollywood Story on the Kardashians. But besides the boredom, here's my biggest problem: I cannot pace myself off the treadmill. So when I'm running out on the road I have no idea how fast I'm going.

The only thing I can figure out is that I should run on the treadmill at a 10-minute mile pace and scroll through my ipod for songs that I can run on the beat to? Does this sound right? Or should I just let April worry about the pace and just run with her?

Parental math

2009-03-20T22:57:00.002-04:00

"How far away is it?"

"Um, about 45 minutes."

"How long is that?"

"Well...long enough for the Wonder Pets to save three animals."

It's a good thing I like the 80s

2009-03-17T20:28:00.001-04:00

To all of you who said "Oh Jennifer, don't worry, when it gets longer it will lay down!"

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T20:18:00.005-04:00

In honor of my favorite holiday I made Skylar an obnoxious dress.
Inside the box it says "lucky" and you can take it one of two ways:
1. You're lucky she doesn't live with you.
or
2. It's a lucky thing she's cute otherwise she'd get the hell beat out of her every single day of her life.

New background

2009-03-03T20:54:00.006-05:00

The new St. Patrick's Day background is my first ~~lame~~ attempt at creating my own layout from scratch. Ashlyn helped, and by that I mean I asked "Do you think the two buttons should be even or not?" and she said "Even." Of course she wanted to go around hogging all the glory when we got the thing to actually load, but I expected that. Now that I look at it I can tell that the striped border looks awful...maybe a plain white divider would have been better. Anyway, I'm hoping to get better with time.

St. Patrick's Day is my favorite holiday, because that was the day Scott and I first spent any time together outside of finance class, way back in 1996, and we've been together ever since. (well, not counting basic training, PLDC, when he went to San Diego, OCS, when he went to Japan, all the field time in Alaska and Hawaii, that time he went to Afghanistan, and the present) I know there are several people out there who read this blog who were there that fateful night (AW!) and PLEASE KEEP YOUR STORIES/COMMENTS TO YOURSELF. No one wants to hear the whole sordid tale. It would take too long and I would have to answer too many uncomfortable questions, most of them leading to more uncomfortable questions, like "Did you ever find Tonya?" and "Where exactly did you last see the car?" and "What on earth happened to those stuffed animals?" *sigh* Those were the good ol' days.

Yeah, sit there and judge. You know you wish you had been there.

**edited to add**

this was the first background I made

That little dog

2009-03-02T22:29:00.003-05:00

Several people have been asking me about Shelby and how she's doing and blah blah blah and really I haven't had time to get into it on here because I'm too busy running all over the house cleaning up the teaspoon-size puddles of pee she leaves behind her.

I've turned into a broken record, one that goes "Where's that little dog?" over and over again and inevitably she's run around the corner to pee. And Heidi is absolutely beside herself, because that little dog has the nerve to just pee right in front of you while you are looking at her. It makes Heidi so nervous she spends a lot of time just sitting in her crate with the door open shaking. I am not even lying.

I'm sure she's tried to warn her, but that little dog is pretty stupid. And Heidi's all "What the hell are you doing? She's gonna come in here and see you doing that and lose her mind. Listen, if there's any advice I can give you it's DO NOT PEE IN HER HOUSE. She hates that. Remember that one time, the only time she ever took us outside together? And it was overcast and she was trying to get us to hurry and instead of coming back to her we ran down to the road? And then when we saw her coming we thought it'd be funny to run down the street toward the busy 4-lane road? And then it started raining? And she chased us all the way down the street and around the corner and up the busy 4-lane road in the rain and we cut back up through the woods and she had to go all the way back around because for God's sake there are snakes in those woods and when she finally got us both back in the house it was very unpleasant for all of us? And then we got to spend quality time alone in our respective crates? And now we don't get to be outside at the same time? If you keep peeing in the house IT WILL BE EXACTLY LIKE THAT ALL DAY EVERY DAY FROM NOW TIL WE DIE." And Shelby's all "PEE! PEE! PEE! PEE! PEE! PEE!" So Heidi goes and sits in her crate and shakes.

That's pretty much how it's going. Thanks for asking.

Second thoughts

2009-03-02T22:18:00.003-05:00

(seeing me walking into the first class of Financial Peace)

"Hey, Dave Ramsey's gonna make you sell that purse!"

--thanks Lucy, for always making me smile--: )

Shelby

2009-02-21T20:20:00.003-05:00

The latest.
3 weeks

9 weeks

Wireless headphones

2009-02-21T20:10:00.002-05:00

Skylar watching Madagascar 2, me listening to XM 49. At the same time. Sometimes I just can't help but be happy.

Where's Joaquin Phoenix?

2009-02-16T16:18:00.002-05:00

Probably one of the best things seen lately on television. I love David Letterman. Dude, what is that guy smoking??

I love the 80s

2009-02-10T16:09:00.005-05:00

"Look, there's Pastor Dale and Wanda right there."

"I know, I see them...let me roll down the window."

"You're going to talk to them now?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Jennifer, we're in the church parking lot!"

"So? What's wrong with that?"

"Don't you think you should turn down Def Leppard first?"

Quote of the Week

2009-02-05T20:19:00.002-05:00

"Korea?! Can you text from there?"

Pass the kimchi

2009-02-03T12:00:00.002-05:00

We are moving to Korea.
Scott got his orders today. Command sponsored, which means all of us can go with him. Do any of you know if pugs and shih-tzus can fly in the cabin of the plane with you? What about guinea pigs? Hmmm, 4 kids, 2 dogs, 1 guinea pig...on a plane from Atlanta to Korea. WHO WANTS TO RIDE WITH US??? Our report date is 15 Dec 09.

Honestly, this has been so long coming I had begun to think we'd never get any orders, and today out of the blue they showed up in his inbox.

It's really such a shock that right now I don't even have a smart ass comment to make.

And that's saying something.

Party Pictures

2009-02-01T20:22:00.003-05:00

I am just now getting around to posting some pictures from Skylar's birthday party, but good grief I've been so busy you would not believe it. There are not enough hours in the day to get all my stuff done, and it's very frustrating. I've been counting the days until the end of basketball season and this is finally the last week and you know what? Big deal! I've still got commitments three nights of the week. Time is passing quickly, and that's a good thing, but I'm running crazy all the time and I'm just plain tired.

Anyway, here are some of the pictures from Skylar's birthday party. Judy took some, Chris took some, and Patrick took a few. I didn't take any because this is my fourth kid and frankly I've just about lost interest completely at this point. I need to farm some of these kids out for a while. Or at least hire somebody to finish potty training Skylar.

Candid camera

2009-01-27T21:12:00.002-05:00

Live from Iraq.

Each and every morning

2009-01-27T11:34:00.004-05:00

Every morning Owen protests school in some way. This is his "maybe if she doesn't see me she'll forget to take me" try, which is lame, but in his defense he doesn't have many options once I get him in the car. At least he doesn't get naked anymore.

Happy Birthday Yesterday!!

2009-01-23T10:54:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was Skylar's 2nd birthday. I would have mentioned it had I been blogging yesterday, but instead I was spending an exorbitant amount of time at the doctor's office (2+ hours), followed by the pharmacy (1+hours), followed by making several phone calls, the last one ending with me saying "Just where exactly do you sit at the doctor's office because I'm coming over there right now to KICK YOUR ASS." Not my finest moment, but not my worst, so I'm at peace with it.

Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SKYLAR. You are such a joy to have and to spend time with. You are such a happy, happy child. Your personality is second to none, and I'm so glad that I have finally managed to capture that personality on film to share with all the people who never get to spend time with you. LOOK AT THAT PRECIOUS FACE! WHO WANTS TO BABYSIT??

Tagged-Fourth

2009-01-23T10:40:00.002-05:00

I was looking up Becky's blog so I could link to her and lo and behold she freakin tagged me again.
You're supposed to post your fourth picture in your fourth folder. Honestly, who thinks this stuff up? And do they get paid?

Here's mine. Apparently we're hard up for entertainment around this place.

The Bucket List

2009-01-23T10:19:00.002-05:00

Those of you who know me know that one sure way to get me back on here writing nonsense is to send me some type of survey. I hate them, yes, but for some reason I can't not do them. This one was sent to me by Amanda, and then by Lucinda. And of course I'm tagging everybody who reads this blog, and both of you better oblige me and do it too.

Subject: The Bucket List--Something Different

Hit forward and place an (x) by all the things you've done and remove
the (x) from the ones you have not.

( ) Been to Europe
(x) Been on a cruise
( ) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
( ) Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost
(x) Been on the opposite side of the country
(x) Gone to Washington , DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
( ) Sang Karaoke
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise alone
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice skating
(x) Gone roller skating
(x) Gone to the movies
( ) Own your Favorite Car

1. Any nickname? Jenny Lynn (by Scott), Dipshit (by my kids--but only in their minds)
2. Mother's name? Donna
3. Favorite drink? water
4. Body Piercing? my ears and my belly button
5. How much do you love your Car? my van/party wagon is freaking awesome. GET YOURSELF A VAN
6. Birthplace? Rome, GA
7. Been to Hawaii? yes
8. Ever been to Africa? No
9. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? probably so but my memory doesn't reach farther back than last week. it's the mary jane.
10. Ever been on TV? yes
11. Ever steal any traffic sign? no, but the lawyer has
12. Ever been in a car accident? yes
13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4-door
14. ?Why is this question missing?
15. Favorite number? 6
16. Favorite movie? Sense and Sensibility
17. Favorite holiday? St. Patrick's Day
18. Favorite dessert? peach cobbler
19. Favorite food? kung pao chicken
20. Favorite day of the week? Friday
21. Favorite brand of body wash? who cares
22. Toothpaste? Colgate
23. Favorite smell? clean baby hair
24. How do you relax? mwahhaha
25. How do you see yourself in 10 years? the wife of a battalion commander
26. Furthest Place you will send this message? I'm tagging Amber in Italy
27. Who will respond to this the fastest? uh, I'll put the pressure on BECKY

Back by popular demand

2009-01-23T10:10:00.005-05:00

It's been awhile, but I'm back. I know, I know, it's very exciting and all, but please, KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON. It's gonna be just as crappy as it was before, so there's no need in getting naked.

I'd like to share what's been happening in the past three weeks, but it'd no doubt bring on a bout of crying and I've got a lunch date and don't want to have to redo my make-up. So I'll just sum it all up with one of my favorite t-shirts.

And along came Facebook

2009-01-08T18:37:00.002-05:00

I have really slacked off with the blogging, I know, but have you heard of this wonderful thing called Facebook? Well, it's gonna take some 12-step program to get me off of it. And I'm obsessed, and I have no clue what I'm doing, other than so far I've found out my true age is 21 (which you find out after answering some random questions that have nothing to do with your health history), I'm most like the 80's movie Say Anything (which I've never seen, but I'm guessing is about some pill popping obsessive compulsive borderline alcoholic surrounded by lots and lots of kids and a poop eating dog. What? No?), and I've been kidnapped by Haila and Waymon, who live in South Carolina, and now I need to try to escape.

As best as I can figure Facebook is the biggest time waster on the planet, but I cannot seem to stop doing it. I've joined causes, like the Fallen Soldiers cause and the Feel My Boobies cause, and I've joined groups, like the Les Mills instructors group. I am also currently getting my ass kicked in a game of scrabble between me, my brother, and my cousin in Texas.

Facebook is like texting every one of my friends, and the status updates work like a twitter feed. So, all of you need to get Facebook pages so we can be friends. Even Pops is on Facebook now, so see? ANYBODY can do it!

It's not that there's been an absence of stuff to blog about either. Oh, there's been plenty. I could blog about how I'm the coach of Ashlyn and Haley's basketball team. Dealing with little kids who have no clue about something I love as much as basketball is not what I was necessarily born to do, but I'm dealing with it. Or, we could talk about how I went to the Dollar Store, bought $45 worth of Rubbermaid totes and packed up every toy Owen owns because he wouldn't pick them up off the floor. And have you ever heard of Fred's? I think I went in there once with my Grandma but I must not have been paying attention because that place is AWESOME. Like a super cheesy WalMart, with nothing of value but good grief I could spend HOURS in there. We could discuss the fact that the kids are all grounded off the Wii, the television, and the computer, leaving them nothing to do but read books and stare at each other. What about Owen now taking karate? Also, Tuesday night we all sat downstairs in the girls' closet for half an hour (with Heidi and Trixie, natch) waiting for a tornado to come blow us away. And our last conversation would have been about how HALEY IS HOGGING ALL THE ROOM. THERE'S NO PLACE FOR MY FEET. SHE'S SHOVING ME. HEIDI IS TRYING TO EAT TRIXIE. EWWW SKYLAR STINKS. It's comforting to think that my last thought on this earth would be about the possibility of Skylar having shit in her pants.

But really, if I devoted time to writing about all this stuff in detail there would be no time left for Facebook. I'm gonna need to shift around some of my priorities so I can fit all this stuff in. But first I need to see how many pairs of underwear everyone has so I'll know how long I can put off doing the laundry.

I've also got some pictures from my new camera I got for Christmas from Scott, and I hope to sometime soon get the cable and get them on the new computer and posted on here. So hang tight, all you who refuse to participate in my life via Facebook (you know who you are, Joan and Chris) and I'll get this thing back up and running in a day or so.

In the meantime, I'd like to thank my brother Brian for posting a picture of my underwear on Facebook for all the world to see. It's nice to know you care.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T10:03:00.002-05:00

"Haley! Look! The ball is dropping!"

"Wow!"

"5...4...3...2...1...HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's the new year!"

"That is pretty cool, mama!"

"Yeah, it's neat to watch it."

"Can we watch it next time?"

"Sure!"

"So...how often do they do it?"

2 things

2008-12-26T22:39:00.002-05:00

1. Owen spilled a glass of water on the mac and it died. Don't worry, it was quick and painless. So when the mac died all my pictures went with it, only Firedog at Circuit City says for 99.99 they can save the hard drive. The new mac is currently set to be delivered on the 30th.

2. Went to the ER again tonight. I can't seem to stay away from that place for long. As a matter of fact, when I handed the lady my insurance card she glanced at it and handed it right back, saying "Oh, we already have your information on file!" Anyway, Skylar decided to try to do a swan dive off Pops' bed, and it might have been successful if that damn bedside table hadn't gotten in her way. FYI Chris and Jin: Head wounds bleed like a mutha!

Hypothetical question

2008-12-19T22:59:00.003-05:00

So....

If I were to maybe let another dog hang out around the house, you know, because I'm lonely and bored since Scott's gone, what kind should it be?

Hypothetically speaking and all...

She clearly spends too much time with me

2008-12-17T23:08:00.001-05:00

(coming from somewhere in the back of the van)

CRASH!!!

"What the hell was that?"

"MAMA! Skylar said HELL!"

Why you won't see video of Haley's Christmas show

2008-12-17T12:11:00.002-05:00

"Daddy, the video of Haley's class singing is really shaky, and that video camera has image stabilization on it."

"Yeah, the girl in front of me kept bending over and she had one of those tramp stamp tattoos. It kept throwing me off."

Feeding time

2008-12-15T19:36:00.002-05:00

Tell the truth, CAN YOU STAND THE EXCITEMENT? CAN YOU HANG? IS IT TOO MUCH?
I'm beginning to see who "the life of the party" is in my marriage.
And it's not me.

Say it loud, say it proud

2008-12-14T20:40:00.002-05:00

I'm going to say this, and I'm not the least bit embarrassed.

THAT MINIVAN IS FREAKIN' AWESOME.

Seriously, everyone should go out and get themselves a minivan right now. No matter how many kids you have, if you only have one kid, or even if you don't have any kids, the minivan is the vehicle for you. Hell, minivans should be the only kind of car anybody makes anymore, they are that fabulous. And I'm not pushing brands or anything, so get whichever one you want, but mine is pretty dang sweet, so if you're asking my opinion, get one like this.

And I don't care what anybody thinks about me driving a minivan. Though I do feel I have a small degree of awesomeness, I'm not cool, I don't pretend to be cool, and I don't want to be cool (if it means giving up my minivan). If anything, having a minivan has made me even more awesome, because it's awesomeness rubs off on my when I ride around in it. And gas? Oh my gosh, $27 filled it all the way up. We won't even talk about what it cost to put gas in my Expedition.

It all comes down to the fact that this van makes my life better, much like my beloved cell phone does. It will make your life better too. So go get one. You'll thank me for it.

Christmas Parade 2008

2008-12-10T21:46:00.013-05:00

This year we were lucky enough to be able to attend the Rome Christmas Parade. I have held off talking about it even though there were a few floats that I definitely needed to address on here, mainly to back up the fact that SHE IS NOT MARRYING HIM. Now, after several weeks of heavy prayer, Jax is history. Say it with me people, THANK YOU, JESUS.

I would like to say that every church in Rome, GA (and there are about a million since this is the bible belt and all) had a float in the parade. I took a picture of every one of them, but they all looked pretty much alike and not a single one was particularly remarkable so I won't bore you with them. Also, just about every high school had a band participating, and I'm not posting pics of them either. Everybody has seen a band before, so there's no point. I'm just gonna pick a few of the more interesting ones and share those.

Firstly, I give you Brian and Claire, voted "Most Photogenic" at the Christmas Parade this year.

These are a small group of pictures that prove that all you had to have in order to be allowed to participate in the parade is enough money to cover the entrance fee.

Cloggers! They had cloggers in the parade. Clogging is big time down here. There was a guy in my high school, I think his name was Lamar, and every year in the talent show he would clog. And even though everyone was like "I'd never be caught dead clogging" he would always get the biggest ovation because he was absolutely awesome at it. One year he did a cartwheel off the stage and clogged up to the back of the auditorium and the crowd had to be held back to keep from mobbing him in the aisle, it was that exciting. (and people actually wonder why I moved away from here) Oh, and FYI, Amanda was a clogger for like, 12 years or something. And she honestly believes she's coming over on Monday to sew. We'll see about that.

Look at the cute little cloggers! Sometimes I feel like I missed out on certain things in my childhood. Now is not one of those times.

I'm not going to say anything about this one. I'm sure there is a lot to be said, but I just don't even want to address it.

Do you recycle? We do. The green thing on the truck goes by the name Re-Re (really? that's the best you could come up with?) He came to Owen's school and terrified all the children and then he rode in the Christmas parade and terrified all the rest of the kids. He bothers me a little. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but he makes me nervous.

Here's a picture of Santa, who Skylar refuses to have anything to do with. I told Skylar that we were putting all her passy's in her stocking and Santa would take them and leave her presents and her actual words were "I don't give a rat's ass what he leaves me, that man is not taking my passy's." And now she won't go near him and when we see him at the mall she hides her passy behind her back.

And here are the pictures I wanted you to see the most. See the lady driving the tractor? She is Jax's mom. Look how happy she looks, up there driving a tractor in the Christmas parade. And look at the sign on the tractor. She's a logger. Good grief.

Look at this one. The little girl driving? The same 9 year old who was driving the kids around at the birthday party. Driving a jacked up power wheels in the Christmas parade.

Oh, and here's the rest of the family. See, they're waving right at me, because they recognize me from the birthday party. We're tight like that now.

I told all of you how bad it was, and nobody believed me. You all want to laugh but you've got kids who are going to pull this same kind of shit one day and who's gonna be laughing then? Huh? ME!

How do I always get myself into these situations? I'm lucky that way I guess. Like the time I took Haley to a birthday party in Texas and we were the only white people there and they played Jay-Z really loud and had a dance-off and Haley won. It's mind-boggling. Maybe for Christmas I'll get some Calgon.

Close only counts when you play with hand grenades

2008-12-08T23:19:00.004-05:00

This morning Skylar and I were at the Floyd Hospital outpatient surgery center bright-eyed and bushy tailed at 6am so she could get tubes put in her ears and her adnoids taken out. Skylar does not come out of anesthesia well, instead she comes out screaming and throwing punches in all directions. That was fun!

As I carried Skylar, her blanket, her sippy cut, the diaper bag, my purse, and the pillow from the hospital bed (which Skylar was not leaving without no way no how) to the van I pushed the button on the remote, the door slid open immediately, and I was able to plop Skylar into her seat. Then, with a light touch of the handle the door began sliding closed again, I jumped in the front seat, hit the butt warmer button and was ready to go with practically no physical effort on my part. We got to the house, and before I got out I hit the button and the side door began to open. By the time I got out and shut my door, Skylar's door was fully open and I was able to reach right in and get her. Then, another light touch of the handle and the door finished closing while I was opening up the front door on the house. You could get really fat driving a van like this, as you burn practically zero calories because you don't do anything.

It was all rather nice.

If you don't count the part about it being a MINIVAN.

Attention

2008-12-06T22:48:00.000-05:00

Hell froze over today.

Happy Birthday Haley!

2008-12-05T21:25:00.005-05:00

Happy Birthday! Now you are 8 years old and legally able to ride in the front seat of the car. Here, let's celebrate-have a giant rat!

This is Trixie, who Haley decided was the luckiest guinea pig at Petland today, because she's the one I bought. Um, I bet that's not what Trixie is thinking. Trixie is more than likely thinking "What the hell?"

We are mostly sure that Trixie is a girl, because the girl at Petland picked her up, took a look and told me "Well, I guess it's a girl because I don't see any balls." And I was too shocked at her wordage to be offended, kind of like yesterday, when Jenny used the word "sharted" to describe what had taken place in my house while I wasn't there.

Trixie is a big hit here of course, and she hasn't peed on anybody (yet) and she hasn't bitten anybody (yet) and we only had one scare when Skylar squeezed her head and she made a noise that sounds a lot like the sound Heidi makes when you accidentally step on her foot. Honestly, I give this thing 2 weeks, 3 tops. And if she ever gets away from us it's all over but the crying, because I'm telling you what, this thing can scoot. It took 20 minutes for me to catch her earlier and she was in a 10x15 cage.

This might go down in history as the best birthday present ever in our house. Well, until February anyway, when Ashlyn's rolls around....hint hint-it's gonna be big! When Scott's away, I BUY ANIMALS.

Exactly

2008-12-05T21:10:00.000-05:00

Making memories

2008-12-01T16:12:00.000-05:00

(Not the best thing to hear coming from the living room)

"Look out, Skylar, FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!"

Once upon a time...

2008-11-29T00:36:00.005-05:00

Once upon a time there was a stupid, stupid mommy who decided that because her 22 month old was an exceptionally advanced little girl who peed and pooped on the potty (sometimes), had a vocabulary that blew the pediatrician's mind, and was mentally able to follow and/or participate in a conversation on CSPAN, it was time to take away the pacifier.

And then they all died.

The end.

WHEN WILL IT END?

2008-11-21T21:51:00.002-05:00

Now I'm actually being called out about these things...

Type only 1 word. It's harder than you think!!!

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your significant other? distant
3. Your hair? up
4. Your mother? short
5. Your father? tall
6. Your favorite thing? sleep
7. Your dream last night? absent
8. Your favorite drink? chai
9. Your dream/goal? togetherness
10. Room you're in? den
11. Your fear? childless
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? europe
13. Where were you last night? practice
14. What you're not? fake
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? alias
17. Where you grew up? rome
18. The last thing you did? posted
19. What are you wearing? jeans
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pet? overweight
22. Your computer? mac
23. Your life? busy
24. Missing someone? duh
25. Your mood? nervous
26. Your car? green
27. Something you're not wearing? hat
28. Favorite Store? target
29. Your summer? distant
30. Your favorite color? blue
31. When is the last time you laughed? earlier
32. Last time you cried? September
33. Who will/would re-post this? APRIL

I'm skipping the "name four" part because I already did that.

HO HO HO

2008-11-21T21:20:00.002-05:00

I'm just going to tell myself you send these to me because you care.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper, because it's stimulates my brain to come up with excuses as to how Santa uses the exact same paper I was using the other day, and oh by the way what happened to all that you had leftover?

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. Sadly, with Frosty deceased this year we won't even have anybody pee on it. I'm crossing my fingers that Heidi comes through for me.

3. When do you put up the tree? Actually, April has hers up now, so I'm obviously a little behind. Oh, and it's been up for two weeks. Um, I'll say shortly after Thanksgiving. Probably Friday, but Jenny is trying to talk me into going shopping that day, in Atlanta no less, but after last year I'm still praying about that one.

4. When do you take the tree down? The week after Christmas. It's horribly depressing, but it makes me feel better about all the New Year's Eve drinking.

5. Do you like eggnog? I take my liquor straight, thanks.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? my basketball goal

7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad, because whenever he wants something he goes out and buys it, so that leaves nothing for anybody to get him.

8. Do you have a nativity scene? Yeah, and Haley sets it up however she wants, which is usually with baby Jesus in the middle and all the others in a circle around him.

9. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail them. I like to get mail.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I think all presents are fabulous.

11. Favorite Christmas Movie? Christmas Vacation

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas? whenever. there's no set time.

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I honestly don't think I ever have.

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My grandmother's apple pie

15. Lights on the tree? As many as it will hold

16. Favorite Christmas songs? O Holy Night, but Owen's got the "Jingle Bells, Rudolph Smells" song down pretty good

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay at home. Always.

18. Can you name all 9 of Santa's reindeers? Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner & Blitzen (I googled it)

19. Angel on the tree top or a star? A star. Because I'm all about cliche. You should see my tattoo.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas day. This is Scott's rule, not mine. But I'm also the one who'll tell you what's in it while you are opening it.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Black Friday shoppers/shopping

22. Favorite ornament theme or color? My tree is filled with ornaments my kids have made. I have a lot of kids. The tree may soon fall over from the sheer weight of all of them.

23. How did you spend last Christmas? With my kids, Scott and my parents and their dogs in Texas.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? I have a wishlist on Amazon. It's ridiculous, but you gotta believe, right?

She is SO not marrying him

2008-11-18T22:27:00.003-05:00

This past Saturday was another one of those days that's all about Haley; she had cheerleading (I thought we were through with all that nonsense but she had to go and make all-stars) and then a birthday party. It wasn't just any old birthday party though, it was Jax's birthday party, Jax being the love of her life and boyfriend of just over six weeks. The day Haley brought home the invitation she wanted me to RSVP right there in the pick-up line, but I managed to hold off for an hour. To tell you the truth I was a little bit concerned when I read the paper, because, as I've said, I'm not a big nature person per say and the "where" part of the invite read "In the pasture beside our house." So I called, and said Haley wouldn't miss it for the world AND the moon, and proceeded to become even more nervous about the whole situation when his mother asked if Haley was allergic to bees, grass or poison ivy/oak. And my head was just swimming and all I could think of was "What kind of pasture is this exactly, because while Haley's fine around bees, grass and poison ivy/oak I'm pretty sure she's allergic to bulls running in her direction. Because when I think of "pasture" I think of cows and the like.

And wouldn't you know it, after a week of very nice weather Saturday it was so freaking cold I had to warm up the car for half an hour before I could bring myself to sit on the leather. We had gotten him a present at ToysRUs, one that took Haley about two hours to choose, after we looked at every single thing they sell in that store. He had told Haley he wanted her to buy him something he "could throw at his younger brother." I called my friend Sabrina, the tattooed detective, and asked her where the road was and she said "You're going where? Why?" But I was unfazed, by golly I'm taking Haley to this birthday party because this is the love of her life and her cat died and her Daddy's away for a while and we're going and we're going to LIKE IT.

Oh. My. God.

There is no way in hell I would have left my daughter there for any amount of time. I'm not sure I would have went back to the car to get something and let her out of my sight. And I texted Sabrina that I was scared and to come with her gun and she texted back that there were worse places in Floyd County. Let me just say, if there are worse places I cannot even begin to imagine them. I was and still am speechless. I am also extremely proud of myself for staying and not just passing right by and going home.

They did a scavenger hunt where they were supposed to walk around the yard/pasture (which did not contain any cows or bulls) and find things on the list. They were not to leave the yard/pasture. Now I'm not very good at guessing sizes, but if a normal house sits on a half acre lot then this pasture was roughly 5 acres big. Please understand that these items were not placed in the yard for the scavenger hunt. These were things that could be found in the yard on any given day.

Among other things, the list included:

1. dead tree

2. creek bed

3. moss

4. mud

5. ponded area (is this like a pond?)

6. coon dogs

7. 13 tractors (t-h-i-r-t-e-e-n tractors. in the yard. everyday. 13.)

8. little dump truck

9. big dump truck

10. run down house (I saw no houses that I would call "inhabitable" I saw no houses at all. All I saw was "pasture" and a shed)

11. radiators

12. plow

13. a potty (classy)

14. a blue van (non-working of course)

15. 3 wrecked cars

16. 2 race cars

17. bull dozer

18. 2 green cars (again, non-working)

19. bathtub

20. log truck

People. Are you kidding me? I mean, I've looked back over the last couple of weeks and I'm just wondering WHAT ON EARTH I did to deserve this. What? Do I need to do some charity work or something? Is it not enough that I live with Skylar all day, every day?

Among the better conversations I had:

Me: So, that girl driving the Rhino that's pulling the trailer full of kids including my daughter that's circling the "pasture" over and over...how old is she?

Uncle of Jax: That's my kid. She's nine.

Me: You seem to have a lot of family. Do y'all get together often?

Same Uncle: Oh yeah, well we cook out about every other week or so...you know, whenever we all have our kids at the same time.

And oh my gosh it was so cold. So I'm sitting by the bonfire trying to keep my chattering teeth from biting off my tongue listening to some lady, an aunt maybe, telling the story of her husband getting hit in the face by his ex-fiancee with a beer bottle and how he strangled her for doing that. She hit him right in the face, right there, in the front, where that tooth is missing, she knocked that tooth right out. And at that moment I flashed forward in my mind to the wedding, and their side of the church and my side of the church and I would have started crying right there but my tear ducts were frozen.

I told Scott all about it, how I was extremely out of place, and I'm a person that can usually fit in just about anywhere. And I was all "I was sitting there thinking about the wedding and Scott, there is just no way-" and he's all "Jennifer, come on, there's no way they would get married. That's like, 15 years away. We'll move three, four more times. She'll forget all about him and never see him again."

Oh, it could happen. Trust me.

Hello. Have we met? I'm Jennifer. Let me tell you about how I have SHIT FOR LUCK.

Shhh, it's a secret

2008-11-17T21:04:00.004-05:00

Coming to a birthday party early December.

Why didn't I think of that?

2008-11-17T20:59:00.000-05:00

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they all yours?''

Yep theyz all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.
' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.'

Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the
girls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL
named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all
comes a runnin'. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the
street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Geez

2008-11-14T20:09:00.004-05:00

More tagging! One day these things will go out of style. Of course, I'll be dead by then.

Subject: Tell Me 44 ODD Things about yourself!

1. Do you like blue cheese? yes

2. Have you ever smoked? yeah, but I was terrible at it and didn't even inhale (Amber Ware can vouch for this because she'll never let me forget it! Aerosmith rocks!!)

3. Do you own a gun? no, I do not personally have a gun registered in my name

4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? lemonade

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? yeah, because they make you get on the scale

6. What do you think of hot dogs? you would have to pay me a lot of money, a LOT of money, to touch one. we won't even discuss what it would take for me to eat one

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Christmas Vacation

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? chocolate milk

9. Can you do pushups? Yes

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? my wedding rings

11. Favorite hobby? sewing

12. Do you have A.D.D.? no

13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? I tend to be a tiny bit OC

14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: How long before they move out, How long before they will be asleep, will the jeans I just got at American Eagle for 8 bucks (oh YEAH) fit

15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? chocolate milk, water, venti non-fat caramel chai

16. Current worry? next weekend

17. Current hate right now? noise

18. Favorite place to be? right now it's in the tanning bed, because that's the only place I can go in this entire world where it's quiet

19. How did you bring in the New Year? at home with Scott

20. Where would you like to go? anywhere I could be alone for a few minutes

21. Name three people who will complete this? all, my, friends

22. Do you own slippers? no

23. What shirt are you wearing? purple tank top

24. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no

25. Can you whistle? not very well

26. Favorite color? blue

27. Would you be a pirate for Halloween? no

28. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing because I'm too busy trying to figure out who flushed the toilet

29. Favorite Girl's Name? right now I like Whitney

30. Favorite boy's name? right now it's Hunter

31. What's in your pocket right now? lint

32. Last thing that made you laugh out loud? a joke my dad told me at dinner

33. What vehicle do you drive? Ford Expedition

34. Worst injury you've ever had? knee surgery

35. Do you love where you live? no

36. How many TVs do you have in your house? 5, but it wouldn't matter if there were 105, they would still fight over what to watch

37. Who is your loudest friend? Sabrina

38. Do you have any pets? yes

39. Does someone have a crush on you? my husband

40. Your favorite book? US Weekly

41. Do you collect anything? precious moments figurines

42. Favorite Sports Team? Georgia Bulldogs

43. What song do you want played at your funeral? I fell on my knees and cried Holy

44. Do you generally live a happy life? I live my life in a drug induced haze, so yeah, I do.

The Challenge of Four!

A) Four places that I go to over and over:
1. Johnson Elementary School
2. Winthrop Academy
3. Club Fitness
4. Starbucks

B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly):
1. Scott
2. QVC
3. USAA
4. The people who want to help me make my penis larger

C) Four of my favorite places to eat:
1. Sante Fe
2. Las Palmas
3. Quiznos
4. Paul's Oyster Bar

D) Four places I would rather be right now:
1. At the gym
2. Getting a pedicure
3. With Scott
4. by myself

E) Four TV shows I watch:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Brothers and Sisters
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Dancing with the Stars

I'm tagging everybody I've ever met in my life. Let's have it.

The tagging thing

2008-11-11T16:52:00.005-05:00

Apparently a while back I was tagged by Amy to answer some more of these silly questions people pass around in an attempt to get to know each other. What happened to the days of socializing in person? Anyway, I will answer them, because I'm really not all that busy here and I've got plenty of down time and no place to go.

The rules: (Dead Lord there are rules to this one. Not only are they getting old, they are getting bossy too.) Remove 1 question from the list below, and add your own personal question to make it a total of 20 questions. Tag 8 people, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. At what age do/did you (wish to) marry?
23, and that's how old i was, but you know, I'm a huge planner

2. What color do you like most?
blue, the color of Scott's eyes

3. If you can have a superpower, what would it be?
The ability to freeze time, like that guy on Heroes. There would be so many ways to mess with people if you could do that. Plus, I could freeze time and sleep more.

4. If you can travel anywhere in the world, where would you want to go?
I would go to some/any third world country and pose as an orphan. That way maybe Angelina would come adopt me.

5. Which part of you do you hate the most?
The fat part.

6. When you get sad, what do you do?
cry

7. What book are you reading now?
Thunder Run, by David Zucchino

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do with the money?
Pay off my debt and bring my husband home

9. What did you love the most about last year (2007)?
Living with Scott

10. How did you get your name?
I think it was a rule that if you had a baby girl in the year 1974 her name had to be Jennifer.

11. What is the moment you regret most?
Trading our Jeep Cherokee.

12. What type of person do you hate the most?
Fake people

13. What is your greatest asset?
My ability to be with my children all day and not commit murder.

14. If you had one wish, what would you wish for?
For Scott to be home for good.

15. How did you celebrate the New Year?
~~Table dancing.~~ At home with Scott.

16. What tv show do you watch that you are embarrassed to tell people about?
I'm not embarrassed about any tv I watch.

17. It’s 2008. What are you looking forward to this year?
I'm looking forward to it being over.

18. Anything in your life that you wish weren’t so awful?
Ha Ha Ha-Blech.

19. What’s the shallowest thing you intend to do this year?
everything I do is shallow and solely for personal gain

20. I'm changing this from Amy's "McDreamy or McSteamy?" to:
When you turn off the lights, where does the light that's in the room go?

And I have no idea what a chat box is, so I'm tagging everybody from right here.

Sunset at the range

2008-11-10T19:25:00.003-05:00

Great. So I bought him a camera to take with him and he's gone all cheesy on me.

On the way to school this morning

2008-11-10T19:17:00.002-05:00

Look kids! Camels!

Kissin' pictures

2008-11-06T21:10:00.006-05:00

I was putting these pictures on Facebook the other day (I didn't put them on here because obviously I like the facebook people better than you) and did you know people can leave photo comments on there? And oh, do they like to be funny!

This is a series of pictures Ashlyn took, that show a natural progression of events.

Scott and me on the couch.

I give Scott a kiss because I wub him a lot.

Scott gives me a kiss because he wubs me a lot.

Scott takes it too far. This is totally normal for Scott. He's always pushing his limits.

Then we kiss each other.

Then it was over. The end.

Or, if you'd like you can believe Chris Pack, who wrote under my picture "And then there were FIVE kids!"

Hardy har har. Keep it up Chris, and imma come at you like a spider monkey!

Won't they be surprised

2008-11-05T15:52:00.004-05:00

Monday is my parents' 35th wedding anniversary. According to the internet, the traditional gift is coral. And I was stumped a little bit so I did some googling to find some recommended coral anniversary gifts and you know what? The internet actually advises you to buy a salt water fish tank, fill it with lots of tropical fish and CORAL, and give it to the happy couple. Now you should only do this of course if the couple are animal enthusiasts, and my parents have a dog, so I'm thinking that qualifies.

I know they will love it to pieces, and if they don't then they will act like they do, because my husband is deployed to war and I am such a fragile flower these days that YOU SHOULD NOT HURT MY FEELINGS or you may get an ass-chewing like I gave to the cheerleading coach Saturday at the cheer expo, or one like I gave the dumbass customer service representative from AT&T wireless. Dude, HOW MANY MONTHS do you need to get my cell phone bill right? Because this is month 6, Kareem, AND IT'S STILL WRONG.

And you know what? I'm using a lot of capital letters. Maybe it's annoying, but GET OVER IT. And also, I know there are people out there who have lived through all this before. Oh, yeah, my husband was away for a while...oh yeah, my cell phone bill got messed up once...oh yeah, I typed one time in capital letters. GAWD, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT. I understand that everything in my life is old news to you, that you've lived through it all before and you know it all. I get it that you wrote the book on EVERYTHING. Good for you. Now KISS IT.

p.s. how should I wrap up the fish tank?

Frosty

2008-11-03T23:10:00.002-05:00

Why did it have to be on my watch?

Sweet dreams, Frosty.

You were a good cat. Well, not really, but Haley thought so, and that's all that matters.

GOD, CAN I PLEASE CATCH A BREAK?

Happy Halloween 2008

2008-11-02T21:49:00.008-05:00

Thank God it's over. Really, that's all I want to say, however I know that will never satisfy the masses of people who care about what my kids dressed up as for Halloween. Yeah, all five of you.

Skylar was going to be a cheerleader, because she has a cheerleader outfit that matches Haley's and she's so freakin' cute when she wears it. Then we found this Aurora dress at WalMart and she decided she wasn't leaving without it. She also wore this dress for 57 hours straight prior to going trick-0r-treating. Honestly it could have walked around the neighborhood by itself.

Well, I have no explanation for this. Scott bought it at TJMaxx one day before he deserted us.

Ashlyn was going to be Mrs. Claus, but we had an argument over choice of fabric, and finally I gave in and let her have her way, basically because it was Ashlyn and I like her best. Then the whole project went to hell (I was right about the fabric) and she ended up being Superwoman.

So since everybody else got a costume Haley cried and cried about having to be a cheerleader and wanted a new costume, any costume, it didn't matter what it was. Because if somebody gets something new, Haley whines until she gets something...anything. Haley's attitude is that the world revolves around Haley and only Haley, and everybody else is here to serve her in some capacity. This is the same attitude that is causing my hair to turn gray. This is also the same attitude that's going to get her ass kicked one day.

Here are my kids with my brother's kids, Mary Kate the Mermaid and Claire the Chili Pepper.

Here are all the kids with Grandma. Why we put Grandma through this every year is beyond me.

After having some soup and the most delicious cornbread I've ever had the pleasure of eating we went trick-or-treating in the richy rich neighborhood my parents live in. It's got some hills, but let me tell you, it's also got top of the line candy. It's also nice to watch my kids trample immaculate, well-manicured lawns that some illegal alien worked his ass off on for ten dollars. But Heidi helped them out with a little fertilization, so I think we're even.

I don't have a picture of my costume, but I wore one of Scott's Tennessee t-shirts and went as a Loser. HAHAHA! Just kidding. I wore a Georgia shirt. Oh, not really and yes, I'm still a Georgia fan even though they got whipped yesterday. Sometimes it happens to the best of us, right Phil Ful---well, nevermind. Actually, Jenny and I wore regular clothes, and went as drunk people pretending to be sober. I pulled it off.

In my dreams

2008-10-29T22:28:00.007-04:00

Every night before I go to bed I get on the scale, cry a little bit, and make a pledge to not eat so many peeps the next day. Tonight I stepped up on it and it spent about four times longer calculating my weight, and then popped up a 113.6.
Ha ha.
So, you know, obviously my scale is broken because it's only weighing my left leg.
I think I'm going to keep it forever.

Numbers

2008-10-29T20:21:00.004-04:00

I would like to point out that as I write this post I have 51520 hits on my website, which is the exact same number of miles on my car. I pulled into the driveway tonight (via Mrs. Hufstetler's driveway and then part of my yard so as not to run through the wet concrete, but THAT'S a story you don't want to know about) and glanced down and saw the odometer change to 51520, came inside, logged onto blogger, and saw the exact same number here. Cool.

I am also overly amazed by those spinny things.

My boy

2008-10-29T16:45:00.004-04:00

I would say that one day he's going to be a heartbreaker, but you know what? He already is.

Animal attraction

2008-10-29T16:29:00.007-04:00

I've tried and tried and I can't for the life of me figure out why Frosty doesn't like Heidi.

Just a thought

2008-10-25T19:52:00.003-04:00

Hey, I'm all for everybody having a blog. I really enjoy reading about what everybody is doing. And I'll be the first to admit that when I see some cool widget on somebody's page I copy it. But I don't copy their thoughts.

So...how's about you write your own shit and not copy mine.

Let me help you

2008-10-25T00:12:00.005-04:00

Pops: "OWEN! What are you doing? Why are you doing that? I don't believe it. You know you are not supposed to be doing that. I've told you over and over not to do that. I'm very upset with you. Very upset. And your mother is going to be upset with you when I tell her. It's going to be a long time before I forget about this!"

Owen: "You know what? My Mama got a belly-button ring."

Here you go

2008-10-24T22:42:00.011-04:00

So I took a break from blogging for the two weeks Scott was home, and apparently that's about as bad as selling drugs to elementary school children or going around shaking babies. I had no idea so many people cared about this blog so much they would gripe if I didn't put anything new on here for a week or two. I should have known though, as Skylar was born at 1:15 in the afternoon and the next morning several people called my dad wanting to know why there was nothing on the blog about it. Oops, sorry, I was busy letting the epidural wear off so I could go pee.

And if I say that nothing exciting happened during the last two weeks everybody would know I was lying, because after all I am me, and excitement follows me around in numbers. So here's a quick rundown.

Owen had his TBall banquet at Schroeder's out in Armuchee. I would like to go on record as saying I enjoy the Armuchee Schroeder's better than the Downtown Schroeder's. It's more of a casual atmosphere while the Downtown Schroeder's is more of a hip, happening environment, and let's face it, I am many things, but "hip" is not one of them. Grandma, on the other hand, can totally pull off the Downtown Schroeder's, but Grandma is foxy like that. (man, the Schroeder's website is shitty)

The 11th was Military Appreciation Day at the Shorter College football game and Scott was recognized as he is a Shorter graduate and is currently in the military, as there's not much you can do with a college degree in Sports Management. Who knew? There should be a disclaimer beside that in the list of available degrees that says Please Note: You can choose this degree and then expect to join the Military and go to war repeatedly, leaving your wife to fend for herself in a house with four crazy people, a stuck-up cat, and a poop eating dog, however, if by chance someone needs to devise a Round-Robin Tournament, YOU'RE THEIR GUY. Scott also got to flip the coin at the beginning of the game, and then we sat there for three hours and watched Shorter lose in the last minute. What a downer. It was super fun though because we all got sunburns on one side of our body.

Another wonderful thing that happened while Scott was home was he got the kids ready for school each morning and then took them by himself, which means I got to sleep in every day. This was priceless to me as I value sleep over food, clothing and shelter. This also allowed Haley to put together her own outfits without any argument from me, as I didn't see her until after school each day.

This picture validates my veto power when it comes to "Outfits deemed suitable for school by Haley."

We are currently getting settled back into our routine without Scott, you know, the one that involves all the drinking in the mornings. Skylar is pooping on the potty and the older kids are currently trying to grow a beanstalk in the front yard. It's never going to work, because they are going about it the wrong way and using pinto beans instead of magic beans. I'm not saying anything though, because who am I to crush this dream of theirs to grow a beanstalk up to the sky? I'm too busy trying to crush all their other dreams.

We are also beginning to plan Haley's birthday party, as it's fast approaching, and my first brilliant idea went so horribly wrong. See, I don't want to have birthday parties. I need all that money for alcohol. So I told Haley she could pick a friend from her class and I'd take them out to eat to any restaurant they wanted to go to and then I'd take them to a movie and perhaps they could spend the night. And Haley, in what is perhaps the ballsiest move ever made by a second grader, said "Okay, I'll take my boyfriend Jax." Oh how I hope I die before she hits her teenage years. So now I'm taking the entire Johnson Elementary School second grade bowling. And boy I can't wait.

Oh, and while I've brought up the subject of Haley's birthday, if any of you want to send her anything please God don't let it be a JCPenney gift card. We got one from Meena and Papaw (Scott's parents) for Halloween and I took Ashlyn and Haley to the mall tonight to spend it and if they had sold rope there I would have bought some and hung myself.

There's also some sewing going on around here, and I'll take some pictures when I get a chance. I could get more stuff made if I hadn't bought a serger that suffers from suicidal tendencies every time I try to change the thread color, but what can you do? I tried cussing and that didn't work, so since that's the extent of my fix-it ability I just give her some time and she eventually comes around. And as luck would have it, well, as my luck would have it, we have a little brown mouse (that rightly decided not to show himself until after Scott was gone) living in the closet where I keep my sewing stuff. I haven't met him in person yet, but Haley has, and it wasn't very pleasant from what I heard. It's a good thing we have a good-for-nothing cat because if we had a regular cat the mouse might be in danger.

Also, there's something funky going on with my feet. Holy crap skin is falling off of them in sheets. Thick sheets. And you know I'm picking at it. The disgustingness of my kids is rubbing off on me and I can't leave them alone. I'm actually contemplating taking a picture and putting it on here for all of you to look at. What do you think? Yes? No? How about a peeling foot disease collage? Just say the word people, say the word.

My Baby

2008-10-23T20:24:00.003-04:00

Don't let her fool you, she's absolutely the most ferocious 11 pounds you'll ever meet. If you don't believe me come over to my house, knock on the door, and just take a listen.

Some Army pictures

2008-10-13T23:17:00.003-04:00

Scott brought home some pictures from his time at Ft. Riley and I tried to put the whole sideshow on here but he wouldn't let me. Apparently he's a little embarrassed about the ones where they were all playing Twister in the barracks. Note: Do not make decisions involving a camera when you are also making decisions involving a keg. Or maybe it was the ones taken at the Kansas State/Montana State football game, which prove that people who join the Army and wear the same uniform every day of their life lose all sense of fashion and when given a chance to put together an outfit on their own (without wifely input) they manage to look like complete idiots.
Anyway, here are a few of the boring pictures.

Goodnight, Maggie Jane

2008-10-13T21:18:00.001-04:00

You were the best dog in the world.
We will never forget you.

Welcome Home Daddy

2008-10-08T23:04:00.005-04:00

Scott made it home about 7:30 this morning for his two week visit before his 12 month sandy vacation.

And in case anyone is counting, the little people here are now 3 for 4 in the "projectile vomiting all over the house" game.

FYI-while it's great for liquids, this won't pick up chunks.

WOOHOO!

Welcome Home!!

I told you I've been sewing

2008-10-08T22:02:00.003-04:00

Shrine Parade

2008-10-08T21:14:00.003-04:00

Saturday I took Skylar to the Shrine Parade, but only because Haley's cheerleading squad was riding in it. Honestly, Shriners freak me out. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL is wrong with Shriners? I think Skylar may be scarred for life. And really, when you're dressed as a clown and you see someone sitting on the grass with a freaked out 2 year old hanging on her neck and she's taking pictures with a very expensive camera WHY WOULD YOU SPRAY HER WITH WATER? Is it because you are a moron? Is it because you're a Shriner? Or is it because IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.

Important Stock Market Information

2008-10-08T13:42:00.000-04:00

If you bought $1000 of stock a year ago, you would now have:

$91.28 if you bought Washington Mutual

$37.50 if you bought Neomagic

$21.29 if you bought Freddie Mac

$20.79 if you bought Fannie Mae

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the recycling REFUND...

You would have $214.00 in cash.

So the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

(thanks to Pops for this)

I might throw in some pills too

2008-10-01T21:13:00.005-04:00

Haley and Kyla are best friends. They are cheerleaders.

Chase and Jax are best friends. They are football players.

Haley, Kyla, Chase and Jax are all in Mrs. Hembree's 2nd grade class. They play together on the playground every day.

Chase is in love with Kyla. Jax is in love with Haley. This is common knowledge. All the 2nd graders and even some of the 3rd and 4th graders know this. Kyla likes Chase, but Chase doesn't know it. Haley likes Jax, but Jax doesn't know it.

Tomorrow Haley is going to tell Chase that Kyla likes him as much as he likes her. Also happening tomorrow, Kyla is going to tell Jax that Haley likes him as much as he likes her. Tomorrow is going to be a big day.

Then they are going to be "boyfriend and girlfriend" and one day they are going to get married and Haley is going to get Jax's initials tattooed somewhere on her body, maybe her wrist, she isn't sure yet.

Do not bother to call me tomorrow, as I will be busy drinking heavily.

Haley's mini-me

2008-09-29T21:49:00.005-04:00

It turns out if you're not passed out drunk someplace you actually can have quite a bit of time to get creative so, when not obsessively putting all the food in the pantry into some type of tupperware container (a story for another time), I made Skylar a cheerleading uniform that looks just like Haley's. I didn't have a pattern, I just had to look at Haley's and then draw it out and shrink it down so it would fit Skylar, and I was rushing to finish it so instead of doing the Wildcats on the front I decided to just embroider a JES because it would be quicker, but other than that they are identical. Skylar loves it and naturally she is the star whenever I take her to the football games and she wears it. She does not join in the cheering, however, she has no free time to deal with all that nonsense when she could be sitting on the bleachers shoving popcorn into her face.

My girls.

I have also been sewing some other stuff, and maybe one day I'll put some pictures on here to prove it, and also maybe I'll put some pictures on here of the dining room, which looks very much like what Hancock Fabrics would look like if a bomb went off in the middle of the store. And then maybe we can talk about Friday, when I had to get four dresses made, and Jenny was over here with her kids ~~distracting me~~ helping, and God made all the toilets suddenly blow up and flood the bathrooms and hallway.

So there's water everywhere, and the dog's in it, and the cat's in it, and the kids are in it, and I'm trying to use a plunger, which I don't think I've ever used in my entire life, and I'm yelling at Jenny "Which way turns off the water?" and she's standing there screaming "LEFTY LOOSEY RIGHTY TIGHTY!" and I'm all "WHAT THE HELL are you talking about?" So I'm plunging, and with every plunge the plunger turns inside out, which is kind of a pisser because you have to touch it to get it right side out again, and after about three times I'm hollering "JENNY! What in the name of God is wrong with this plunger?" and we decide we've never seen a plunger do that, or maybe we're using it wrong, heck we don't know, so we go get Mrs. Hufstetler, who takes one look at the dining room and nearly drops dead on the spot and Owen decides he's got to go pee (of course) so he goes over to Mrs. Hufstetler's house and on the way back through her kitchen he steals some peanuts. Honest to God. He stole an old lady's peanuts. While she was over here showing his dumbass mother how to use a plunger. That was my Friday.

Just shoot me. Please.