The fly on my wall

Thanks, Joan.

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Today Scott was offered a chance at another job, this one not in Tampa, but at Ft. Campbell, which is on the Tennessee/Kentucky border. So as of this moment I have no idea where we might be moving to in EIGHT MONTHS. I'm sure you know this is absolutely killing me, the not knowing, but also killing me are the little conversations Scott insists on having. Conversations like this:

"You know, the unit I want to go to in Tampa, they also have positions in Qatar."

"Where is Qatar?"

"It's in the middle east."

"Middle east what?"

"No. THE Middle East."

"Huh? So you're saying you may take a job where you move to The Middle East?"

"Well, we would all go. It's an accompanied tour. Families go too."

"Come again?"

"Yeah, we actually have a large American presence over there. It's really safe."

"Well, not THIS American presence."

"Okay, I just thought it would be neat for us and the kids and all."

"Neat? Are you high?"

"Why is your voice all squeaky? Where are you going?"

"To get my pills. TO GET MY PILLS!"

Dog gone wild

Today Worker Lee came back over to do some more work on the bathroom. He was going in and out the side gate and at some point forgot to close it. So Sally, who we had been keeping in the house because she just kept jumping in and out of the new bathtub from the backyard because there was NO FREAKIN WALL on our house, got out of the yard during one of her trips outside to pee. And my oh my is that dog fast. Scary fast. She doesn't so much run as she gallops, her long legs stretching out and eating up the pavement at what seemed like a 30 mph clip. Of course I'm not going to name names, but there were three kids running right up the middle of the road after her yelling "SALLY!" which only seemed to make her go faster as she looked back over her shoulder and hollered back "Na na na boo boo, you can't catch me!"

She made it about four houses up the street and decided to come back, but then she spotted the house across the street from us with the OPEN FRONT DOOR. And she ran right inside the house. And I must tell all you people that the reason the front door on the house across the street from us was open is because that house is for sale. And today was Open House Day. And there was obviously several potential buyers inside the house at the same time Sally was in there. Oh, and the reality lady seemed really cranky when she came outside, although I don't know if it was because she was having a little bit of a bad day before all this happened or if it was all 100% our fault. Because she was really really skinny and skinny people are skinny because they don't eat, so they are hungry all the time, so they are usually in a bad mood.

I'd like to think that the fact that we live here with cute kids and such a cheerful, neighborly dog would be a selling point:

"Look! The family across the street has the cutest little 50 lb boxer who likes to jump on you and knock you down! And gee! They have cute kids. FOUR of the cutest kids who just happen to be reenacting UFC 75 in their front yard and screaming and crying loudly!"

"What! I'm not moving here! What if there's something in the water!"

Scott absolutely hates it when Sally runs away like that, but usually if you just sit down she comes right back to you. He was handling it fairly well until she ran into the other house, and at that point he turned a violent shade of red and went up to the house. When the first thing that came running out of the house was not Sally but a largely upset skinny reality lady I thought Scott was going to have a heart attack. Sally came out shortly after that and we got her back in our house where she got a spanking with the wooden spoon, mostly for not coming to us when we called her. She knows better than that!

Anyway, all is well now and Sally is sleeping peacefully on her big huge pillow and Scott's blood pressure has returned to normal. And the house across the street? Still for sale.

Just a question

The other day all the kids and I were driving in the car when Owen started yelling "The light is RED! You can't go!!! STOP! The light is RED!" I told him that sometimes you can turn right even when the light is red if you do a california stop complete stop first and Ashlyn asked why. And before I could say anything Haley answered:

"Because you guys! Right and Red both start with the letter "R". I mean gosh, this driving stuff is so easy!"

My question is this: Is it totally wrong to refuse to put her on my insurance?

Room with a view

Our contractor Jon showed up this afternoon with Worker Lee and the two of them started assessing the situation trying to decide the best way to get the old tub out of the house. Originally they told us it would just come out through the inside and they would just carry it outside. Oh, and I don't know what Worker Lee's day job is, but he was the closest thing to a cowboy I've ever seen in my entire life, including all the movies ever produced that could be categorized as "westerns". He looked so much like a cowboy (think Wranglers, boots, checked shirt with snaps and a huge cowboy hat) I immediately checked the tree in the front yard expecting to see a horse tied to it, and Haley took one look at him and her eyes glazed over and she started mumbling words like "white dress" and "preacher".

They decided that no, the tub couldn't possibly come out through the house because that would involve no demolition and don't all boys live to tear things apart? So Contractor Jon left Worker Lee to cut a hole in the side of the house. And boy, did Worker Lee do him proud! It was no hole. I think for it to be called a hole there would have to be some form of wall left around it. Instead if was just a giant empty space void of any hole. And the wall was all propped up against the fence. I didn't realize this until Worker Lee left and Owen and I opened the bathroom door to see what he had done.

At that point I threw up in my mouth just a teensy bit but Owen handled it much better, looking around wide-eyed before stating very matter-of-factly "Holy CRAP! Daddy is going to be PISSED!"

The Halloween Teaser

This year the theme for the kids is Scooby Doo. You will all have to check back around Halloween to see the rest of them dressed up. I will tell you that the other costumes in the house are Velma, Shaggy and Scooby. I love that all these kids are at my mercy! My goal is that they one day look back at all the pictures and fondly remember how drunk and hopped up on pills I was all the time. And if anyone knows where I can get a 'Fred' costume that might fit a 50 lb. Boxer let me know...

Rub A Dub Dub

For those of you who don't know, our house flooded. Terribly. We lived in a hotel for a week and then moved back into a house with cement floors. A week later we got new carpet and bathroom/kitchen floors and it's been nice, really nice because now we can actually put Skylar down.

Well anyway, the week we got the carpet the tile wall in the master bedroom shower collapsed. Now we are getting that fixed too, and right now there is nothing in the bathroom except the studs. Oh, and the ants, spiders and roaches who are coming inside the house in droves through a small hole in the wall that leads out to our backyard (that I'm not entirely sure should be there). Our landlord, a super nice guy who I have never seen (and wouldn't know if he walked up to the front door) has decided to go ahead and replace the tub too. So plumbers and tilers and wall-ripper-downers and the like have been parading in and out of the house all week. The tub replacing is supposed to happen tonight, and I sincerely hope it does, because I cannot think of a better way to spend a Friday night than to listen to Owen run play-by-play on what all the workers in my bathroom are doing. I am also going to go out on a limb and assume that this tub will have a working stopper thingy that will allow me to fill it up with water for extended amounts of time and sit in the water while all the kids freak out about the bathroom door being closed with me on the inside, leading them to beat repeatedly on the door asking me what I am doing and can they come in. Because I am a liar, a big fat one, and just because I say I'm taking a bath and go away, I'm probably not, and the water running is probably just a ruse, and I'm probably in there eating candy and ice cream and they are totally missing out.

Yesterday Scott asked the Colonel to talk to his contacts in Tampa at MacDill AFB to see if there might be a position there for Scott to take when he relinquishes his command. And yes, he would still be in the army, just stationed at another AFB, like we are know. We also have some other places we are interested in going though, so I'm not sure if he will take a position there should one become available. I figure he may take a job in Tampa so while he is cruising around in a tank in Iraq the rest of us can be blowing all his deployment money at Disneyland. Because that would be fair.

Today Owen, Skylar and I went by Scott's office while we were on post to say hi, and ended up getting invited to go to lunch with him, MAJ Spragg and CPT Jumper. We went to Hidalgo's, which is a hole, but the chips and salsa were really good and the rest of the food was okay too. I put Skylar in a high chair and she immediately kicked off her flip flops so I put one on the table for her to play with. When my food came she promptly stuck her shoe right into the middle of my guacamole, which I ate anyway. After all, it's guacamole, and it's a sin not to eat it.

You'll all also have to forgive me for the sorry state of my blog posts lately, but I got a new laptop, and it's a Mac. So all the blogger functions don't work, because I'm not using Explorer for my web browser, I'm using Safari. Now putting in any links is a huge pain because it's all html and I just don't have the time for all that. But I highly recommed a Mac to anyone and everyone thinking of getting a new computer, because they are about 100 times easier to use. And Owen loves it because he thinks I got it from Applebee's, which is one of his favorite places to eat.

So I'll leave you all with a picture of Skylar, who has just recently realized that my gosh, we have a DOG!

Vindication

So....Haley. To know her is to love her. Where do I begin? She never ceased to amaze me with the stuff that comes out of her mouth. She lives in a perpetual state called "Haley World" where her thoughts make sense and we are the weird ones. At least 5 times a day she will ask a question or make a statement and Ashlyn will look up alarmed and ask me "Is she serious?"

And you all laugh. And you mock me.

I have long thought Haley was one of a kind. I was wrong. I have found another child who is very much like her. So much like her it's scary. His name is Kenny Lemaster. I have so many instances to back this up there is no way to put them all on here for you to see. I just feel that finding another kid out there like her who has reputable parents finally proves that No, I did not do hard drugs while I was pregnant with Haley.

Yesterday Kenny was asked to come up with words for the short "a" sound. His answer? "Ammo!" Long "u"? "Puke!" Oh and in case there was any confusion, he drew accompanying pictures.

She probably won't be a Rhodes Scholar but...

"Mama, what was the name of that place I went to when I was in kindergarten?"

"What place Haley?"

"You know, that place. It was really fun, and I liked it so much."

"Haley, I don't know what you are talking about. You have to tell me more about it."

"Wellll, it was really nice. And quiet. Oh! And there were a lot of books there."

"The library?"

"YES! The library." I couldn't remember that. I was thinking it was the book-ary.

Brotherly love

One of the reasons being a baby sucks

The Waiting Game

Frosty spends his days in one of three places-he's either on Ashlyn's bed, in the glider rocker, or on the rug in my bathroom. But every day at 2:30, no matter what, rain or shine, he moves into the den and sits at the window waiting for Haley to get home from school.

Left alone

Question: How much trouble can a baby get into when you leave her on the den floor for 3 minutes chewing on the remote control?

Answer: When we came back into the den we found Skylar pressing buttons on the remote and when we looked at the television we saw that she was this close to ordering a dirty movie.

And then Social Services called

At school Haley had to write a story. It was supposed to be about her family.

"What did you write about?"

"I wrote about the time Skylar fell off the bed."

"What? Haley!"

"Yeah. I wrote 'My little sister fell off the bed' and I drew two pictures. One with Skylar laying on the bed and one with her laying on the floor."

The bad morning

Wow, has this morning sucked. I'm going to blame it all on Scott.

Scott usually leaves to take the girls to school at 7:30. He goes to PT in the mornings, so I get up at 6:50, and get the girls up. They have their clothes laid out already so they begin to dress while I make them breakfast, which is usually waffles and chocolate milk-only no chocolate for Ashlyn, she wants white, and not blueberry pancakes for Haley, she likes the cinnamon ones. On Tuesday and Thursday Owen is thrown into the mix, as he has preschool on those days. So they are dressed by 7 easily, finished eating by 10 or 15 after, and that gives me 15 minutes to do their hair and send them on their way.

Except for the days when Scott doesn't come home, and it all hits the fan.

Like today, when Scott had to participate in a September 11th parade of some sort on post that supposedly started at 7. I say supposedly because I went past it at 7:40 and they hadn't started yet. I get up immediately at 6:50 and put my contacts in. Then I get Ashlyn up, then Haley and send them to get dressed. Then I get Owen up and find he has peed in the bed. Of course, he never does this except when I am rushed. So I have to put him in the shower and put his sheets and the million blankets he has on his bed into the washer. Sometimes in the mornings to get him good and awake we stick him in the shower with Scott, but today Scott wasn't here, so it's all me. While he is in the shower screaming, Ashlyn (thank God she's responsible like she is) gets breakfast made and then comes to tell me Haley is crying and Skylar is awake. I know this already because when I turn off the shower I can hear horribly loud fake crying coming over the baby monitor as well as Skylar jabbering in her crib. Somewhere in all this I notice my right contact is not working and I cannot see out of that eye. I dry Owen quickly and send him to get dressed.

Then I go to the other bathroom where Haley is sitting on the potty fully clothed in her pajamas facing backwards fake crying. I hollered at her that I wasn't taking it from her this morning and she had two seconds to get up and get dressed or she was going to get it. Normally this type of aggressive behavior from me is ignored by all the kids in this house, however at this particular moment I was also waving around a belt, so she got up and got moving. Back to the living room, where Owen is still completely naked and shivering. I get him dressed all the while yelling at Haley; Ashlyn has put Skylar in her seat at the table and she has stood up inside it and is attempting to crawl onto the table to get Ashlyn's bowl of Cap'n Crunch. Owen is eating and Haley is just having milk. I fix a bottle and feed Skylar and then get her dressed while teeth are brushed. Hair gets fixed and Owen gets his backpack and looks for blankie. Oh, blankie got shoved into the washer so he cannot make the trip to preschool today so Owen announces he's not going either.

I get them all into the car, which is no small feat (and it's raining), and drop the girls off and go on post to take Owen to preschool. We drive by the parade field thinking we might catch a glimpse of a parade, but there is no parade, just a bunch of people standing around. I spot Scott immediately out of the hundreds of soldiers, as he is standing in the front of the army ones pacing a little and I know his walk. I point him out to Owen, who now begins to cry all over again because he wants to stay for the parade. Also, they have the road blocked off for no reason so you cannot drive down the street in front of the commissary, you have to turn in the parking lot at the first entrance and drive parallel to the street and then turn back out at the second entrance.

And let me take a minute to say that Air Force people in uniform absolutely refuse to walk in a group of more than 1 person. Because if they did they would have to walk in formation, and they do anything to avoid that, so they straggle along. Meaning if you stop for one person you have to sit there forever while the others go by one at a freaking time. There is a crosswalk right after the second entrance to the commissary. So we sat. And sat. And finally I got tired of sitting so I just cut off a soldier, who had to stop on the sidewalk causing other soldiers to catch up with him, and they're probably still standing there trying to figure out what to do so they don't have to walk in formation.

We get to preschool and Owen cries, cries and cries because he doesn't have blankie, and he doesn't want to stay, and he doesn't want to go with me, and life is terrible, so I left. And it's still raining, and it's only about 60 so it's wet and cold, and I remember something about Scott wanting to move to Seattle, where there is this type of weather every day and I make a mental note that I'm not going, and I came home and immediately got in the shower instead of working out because I have to be ready to go get the kids when they cry enough at school that someone calls me. Last year I think the elementary school had me on speed dial and Owen's teacher told me she'd call if he didn't calm down. Now Skylar is back asleep so I will have to wake her up, which means she'll cry.

And we have no milk, so I have to go to the commissary. And we all know that no one knows how to behave in the commissary. I would go now, with just Skylar, but I have to stay home as much as possible to wait for the guy to call who's going to fix the shower. Did I mention that the tile wall in the shower caved in? And we can see the insulation and lots of mold inside the wall? Well, I have to wait for that guy to call so I'm supposed to stay home.

The only time the kids do this crap is when Scott isn't here. We don't tell them he's not going to be here, they just somehow know. They have some sensor inside them that lets them know that Nope, Dad's not here and Nope, he's not driving here so Nope, he must not be coming so it's just us and her, and if we give her a hard enough time she'll yell a bit and that will be all. And then we can step it up a notch and give her a worse time, and if we all band together against her and keep on eventually she'll give up and get back in bed, which means we can get back in bed and that's all we really want because we're tired because at night when she tells us it's bedtime we don't listen. We stay up. We go to our rooms and mess around and waste time because we're not tired. We don't do what she says unless Daddy backs her up.

So we're back to the fact that Daddy wasn't here this morning and that's why this is all his fault.

Pulled over

So, about that rule that says you can't talk on your cell phone while you drive on post here...well, it turns out they really mean it. And they really will pull you over if they see you doing it. And Owen really freaks out about it, thinking we are all going to jail for the rest of our lives.

But if you um, say something like, oh I don't know, maybe that the phone rang and you answered it and told whoever it was that you were driving on post and you'd call them back in a few minutes (instead of saying that you called your husband to gripe about the shi**y health clinic on post) then they actually apologize for bothering you and then they send you on your way.

It also helps to have a sick baby screaming in the middle row of seats and a frantic 3 year old in the way back hollering about how he doesn't want to go to jail, he just wants to go back to preschool.

Spice up your night

Owen loves Nascar!

Owen got this outfit from the Lemasters. He tries to wear it every single stinkin' day. I DID NOT BUY THIS OUTFIT! If I was going to spend my money on anything Nascar, it would not be on anything Jeff Gordon related. It would be on Kevin Harvick, because he's always trying to fight somebody, and I appreciate his scrappiness/bad attitude/whatever you want to call it. It makes for good television. I know he and Gordon are on the same team and all, but I'm just sayin', I'd buy Harvick stuff. Or Carl Edwards, because he does back flips off the car when he wins and that's always a little frightening and a little exciting at the same time.

And NO, that's not a beer he's got! It's a cream soda. And YES, I'm pretty sure his CARS shoes are on the wrong feet.

Hello from Texas

We are currently trying to teach Skylar to wave. She's getting better!

Dimples

And also...

Congratulations to you-know-who for you-know what! Love you!

Congratulations Joel and Lucinda and Will

Congratulations to Lucinda over at Will's World (and Joel and Will) on the birth of baby Ava!

Man, Ava is a cutie pie and I think she was born with more hair than Skylar has right now.

He's like a little sponge

Yesterday during the Tennesee/California football game Owen learned a brand new phrase.

"Good grief! CATCH THE DAMN BALL!"

And the band played on

Today is the first day of the Tennessee football season. Scott got ready this morning by wearing an obnoxiously bright orange shirt and dressing Owen to match. Then they downloaded "Rocky Top" from Limewire. It is actually the best version I have ever heard, and boy have I heard a lot of versions. If you have never listened to it you are truly depriving yourself and you should click here immediately.

Scott sat in front of the television rather impatiently waiting for 7 to roll around and finally, finally, it was here. The moment. That we wait for.

"Owen! Owen, come on! It's time! The game is coming on!"

"Oh, oh, football! Yeah! Oh, Go Dawgs! GO DAWGS!"

And right then and there I think Scott may have died just a little bit.