In my dreams

Every night before I go to bed I get on the scale, cry a little bit, and make a pledge to not eat so many peeps the next day.  Tonight I stepped up on it and it spent about four times longer calculating my weight, and then popped up a 113.6.  
Ha ha.
So, you know, obviously my scale is broken because it's only weighing my left leg.
I think I'm going to keep it forever.

Numbers

I would like to point out that as I write this post I have 51520 hits on my website, which is the exact same number of miles on my car.  I pulled into the driveway tonight (via Mrs. Hufstetler's driveway and then part of my yard so as not to run through the wet concrete, but THAT'S a story you don't want to know about) and glanced down and saw the odometer change to 51520, came inside, logged onto blogger, and saw the exact same number here.  Cool.  

I am also overly amazed by those spinny things.  

    

My boy

I would say that one day he's going to be a heartbreaker, but you know what?  He already is.

Animal attraction

I've tried and tried and I can't for the life of me figure out why Frosty doesn't like Heidi.  

Just a thought

Hey, I'm all for everybody having a blog.  I really enjoy reading about what everybody is doing.  And I'll be the first to admit that when I see some cool widget on somebody's page I copy it.  But I don't copy their thoughts.  

So...how's about you write your own shit and not copy mine.

Let me help you

Pops:  "OWEN!  What are you doing?  Why are you doing that?  I don't believe it.  You know you are not supposed to be doing that.  I've told you over and over not to do that.  I'm very upset with you.  Very upset.  And your mother is going to be upset with you when I tell her.  It's going to be a long time before I forget about this!"

Owen:  "You know what?  My Mama got a belly-button ring."     

Here you go

So I took a break from blogging for the two weeks Scott was home, and apparently that's about as bad as selling drugs to elementary school children or going around shaking babies.  I had no idea so many people cared about this blog so much they would gripe if I didn't put anything new on here for a week or two.  I should have known though, as Skylar was born at 1:15 in the afternoon and the next morning several people called my dad wanting to know why there was nothing on the blog about it.  Oops, sorry, I was busy letting the epidural wear off so I could go pee.

And if I say that nothing exciting happened during the last two weeks everybody would know I was lying, because after all I am me, and excitement follows me around in numbers.  So here's a quick rundown.

Owen had his TBall banquet at Schroeder's out in Armuchee.  I would like to go on record as saying I enjoy the Armuchee Schroeder's better than the Downtown Schroeder's.  It's more of a casual atmosphere while the Downtown Schroeder's is more of a hip, happening environment, and let's face it, I am many things, but "hip" is not one of them.  Grandma, on the other hand, can totally pull off the Downtown Schroeder's, but Grandma is foxy like that.  (man, the Schroeder's website is shitty) 

The 11th was Military Appreciation Day at the Shorter College football game and Scott was recognized as he is a Shorter graduate and is currently in the military, as there's not much you can do with a college degree in Sports Management.  Who knew?  There should be a disclaimer beside that in the list of available degrees that says Please Note:  You can choose this degree and then expect to join the Military and go to war repeatedly, leaving your wife to fend for herself in a house with four crazy people, a stuck-up cat, and a poop eating dog, however, if by chance someone needs to devise a Round-Robin Tournament, YOU'RE THEIR GUY.  Scott also got to flip the coin at the beginning of the game, and then we sat there for three hours and watched Shorter lose in the last minute.  What a downer.  It was super fun though because we all got sunburns on one side of our body.  

Another wonderful thing that happened while Scott was home was he got the kids ready for school each morning and then took them by himself, which means I got to sleep in every day.  This was priceless to me as I value sleep over food, clothing and shelter.  This also allowed Haley to put together her own outfits without any argument from me, as I didn't see her until after school each day.  

This picture validates my veto power when it comes to "Outfits deemed suitable for school by Haley." 

We are currently getting settled back into our routine without Scott, you know, the one that involves all the drinking in the mornings.  Skylar is pooping on the potty and the older kids are currently trying to grow a beanstalk in the front yard.  It's never going to work, because they are going about it the wrong way and using pinto beans instead of magic beans.  I'm not saying anything though, because who am I to crush this dream of theirs to grow a beanstalk up to the sky?  I'm too busy trying to crush all their other dreams.  

We are also beginning to plan Haley's birthday party, as it's fast approaching, and my first brilliant idea went so horribly wrong.  See, I don't want to have birthday parties.  I need all that money for alcohol.  So I told Haley she could pick a friend from her class and I'd take them out to eat to any restaurant they wanted to go to and then I'd take them to a movie and perhaps they could spend the night.  And Haley, in what is perhaps the ballsiest move ever made by a second grader, said "Okay, I'll take my boyfriend Jax."  Oh how I hope I die before she hits her teenage years.  So now I'm taking the entire Johnson Elementary School second grade bowling.  And boy I can't wait.

Oh, and while I've brought up the subject of Haley's birthday, if any of you want to send her anything please God don't let it be a JCPenney gift card. We got one from Meena and Papaw (Scott's parents) for Halloween and I took Ashlyn and Haley to the mall tonight to spend it and if they had sold rope there I would have bought some and hung myself.

There's also some sewing going on around here, and I'll take some pictures when I get a chance.  I could get more stuff made if I hadn't bought a serger that suffers from suicidal tendencies every time I try to change the thread color, but what can you do?  I tried cussing and that didn't work, so since that's the extent of my fix-it ability I just give her some time and she eventually comes around.  And as luck would have it, well, as my luck would have it, we have a little brown mouse (that rightly decided not to show himself until after Scott was gone) living in the closet where I keep my sewing stuff.  I haven't met him in person yet, but Haley has, and it wasn't very pleasant from what I heard.  It's a good thing we have a good-for-nothing cat because if we had a regular cat the mouse might be in danger.      

Also, there's something funky going on with my feet.  Holy crap skin is falling off of them in sheets.  Thick sheets.  And you know I'm picking at it.  The disgustingness of my kids is rubbing off on me and I can't leave them alone.  I'm actually contemplating taking a picture and putting it on here for all of you to look at.  What do you think?  Yes?  No?  How about a peeling foot disease collage?  Just say the word people, say the word.   

My Baby

Don't let her fool you, she's absolutely the most ferocious 11 pounds you'll ever meet. If you don't believe me come over to my house, knock on the door, and just take a listen.

Some Army pictures

Scott brought home some pictures from his time at Ft. Riley and I tried to put the whole sideshow on here but he wouldn't let me.  Apparently he's a little embarrassed about the ones where they were all playing Twister in the barracks.  Note: Do not make decisions involving a camera when you are also making decisions involving a keg.  Or maybe it was the ones taken at the Kansas State/Montana State football game, which prove that people who join the Army and wear the same uniform every day of their life lose all sense of fashion and when given a chance to put together an outfit on their own (without wifely input) they manage to look like complete idiots.
Anyway, here are a few of the boring pictures.

Goodnight, Maggie Jane

You were the best dog in the world.
We will never forget you.

Welcome Home Daddy

Scott made it home about 7:30 this morning for his two week visit before his 12 month sandy vacation.

And in case anyone is counting, the little people here are now 3 for 4 in the "projectile vomiting all over the house" game.

FYI-while it's great for liquids, this won't pick up chunks.

WOOHOO!

Welcome Home!!

I told you I've been sewing

Shrine Parade

Saturday I took Skylar to the Shrine Parade, but only because Haley's cheerleading squad was riding in it. Honestly, Shriners freak me out. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL is wrong with Shriners? I think Skylar may be scarred for life. And really, when you're dressed as a clown and you see someone sitting on the grass with a freaked out 2 year old hanging on her neck and she's taking pictures with a very expensive camera WHY WOULD YOU SPRAY HER WITH WATER? Is it because you are a moron? Is it because you're a Shriner? Or is it because IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.

Important Stock Market Information

If you bought $1000 of stock a year ago, you would now have:

$91.28 if you bought Washington Mutual

$37.50 if you bought Neomagic

$21.29 if you bought Freddie Mac

$20.79 if you bought Fannie Mae


But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the recycling REFUND...

You would have $214.00 in cash.


So the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

(thanks to Pops for this)

I might throw in some pills too

Haley and Kyla are best friends.  They are cheerleaders.

Chase and Jax are best friends.  They are football players. 

Haley, Kyla, Chase and Jax are all in Mrs. Hembree's 2nd grade class.  They play together on the playground every day.

Chase is in love with Kyla.  Jax is in love with Haley.  This is common knowledge.  All the 2nd graders and even some of the 3rd and 4th graders know this.  Kyla likes Chase, but Chase doesn't know it.  Haley likes Jax, but Jax doesn't know it.      

Tomorrow Haley is going to tell Chase that Kyla likes him as much as he likes her.  Also happening tomorrow, Kyla is going to tell Jax that Haley likes him as much as he likes her.  Tomorrow is going to be a big day.

Then they are going to be "boyfriend and girlfriend" and one day they are going to get married and Haley is going to get Jax's initials tattooed somewhere on her body, maybe her wrist, she isn't sure yet.

Do not bother to call me tomorrow, as I will be busy drinking heavily.

 

Haley's mini-me

It turns out if you're not passed out drunk someplace you actually can have quite a bit of time to get creative so, when not obsessively putting all the food in the pantry into some type of tupperware container (a story for another time), I made Skylar a cheerleading uniform that looks just like Haley's.  I didn't have a pattern, I just had to look at Haley's and then draw it out and shrink it down so it would fit Skylar, and I was rushing to finish it so instead of doing the Wildcats on the front I decided to just embroider a JES because it would be quicker, but other than that they are identical.  Skylar loves it and naturally she is the star whenever I take her to the football games and she wears it.  She does not join in the cheering, however, she has no free time to deal with all that nonsense when she could be sitting on the bleachers shoving popcorn into her face. 

My girls.  

I have also been sewing some other stuff, and maybe one day I'll put some pictures on here to prove it, and also maybe I'll put some pictures on here of the dining room, which looks very much like what Hancock Fabrics would look like if a bomb went off in the middle of the store.  And then maybe we can talk about Friday, when I had to get four dresses made, and Jenny was over here with her kids distracting me helping, and God made all the toilets suddenly blow up and flood the bathrooms and hallway.  

So there's water everywhere, and the dog's in it, and the cat's in it, and the kids are in it, and I'm trying to use a plunger, which I don't think I've ever used in my entire life, and I'm yelling at Jenny "Which way turns off the water?" and she's standing there screaming "LEFTY LOOSEY RIGHTY TIGHTY!" and I'm all "WHAT THE HELL are you talking about?"  So I'm plunging, and with every plunge the plunger turns inside out, which is kind of a pisser because you have to touch it to get it right side out again, and after about three times I'm hollering "JENNY!  What in the name of God is wrong with this plunger?" and we decide we've never seen a plunger do that, or maybe we're using it wrong, heck we don't know, so we go get Mrs. Hufstetler, who takes one look at the dining room and nearly drops dead on the spot and Owen decides he's got to go pee (of course) so he goes over to Mrs. Hufstetler's house and on the way back through her kitchen he steals some peanuts.  Honest to God.  He stole an old lady's peanuts.  While she was over here showing his dumbass mother how to use a plunger.  That was my Friday.

Just shoot me.  Please.

Peepers

You should see them whenever I try to pee.

Build A Bear

A couple of weeks ago I took the kids up to Hamilton Place to help celebrate Leeanne's birthday at Build A Bear. I was just looking through my pictures and realized I hadn't posted any pictures of the bears. I think it's really cool, and also a little freaky, that the kids all dressed their bears in totally different ways but each one ended up totally reflecting their own personalities.

Ashlyn's bear is named Katie. Katie is dressed in a very fashionable shirt and jeans ensemble, which is exactly the type of thing Ashlyn wears to school on a daily basis. If any of you are wondering what to send her for Christmas or her birthday, something that looks like this would be perfect.  You may notice that Ashlyn is wearing her glasses in this picture, and she normally has her contacts in.  Well, she is wearing her glasses because they called from the school on Wednesday to tell me she had pink eye and I needed to come get her immediately.  So I go to pick her up and am informed that she cannot come back to school until she has a note from a doctor saying she's been on antibiotic eye drops for at least 24 hours.  I called the doctor to make an appointment and the only appointment they had was for 2:15, and yes, Owen still gets out of school at 2:30.  After several phone calls my aunt Chris (of the house in Alabama with the vicious frog) picked him up from school, which I will talk about in a minute.  And you know what?  She didn't have pink eye.  And you know what else?  I didn't take in the diaper bag because I am a moron and Skylar pooped the second we got in there and let me tell you it didn't smell like roses.  But I'm glad she didn't have pink eye because that means all of us would have gotten it and if I can't wear my contacts then shit around here is just going to stop dead because I have no glasses now that Skylar grabbed them and ripped them apart.  She's really great like that...have I mentioned how great she is? 

Owen's bear is named Scout.  He is dressed like a baseball player.  Owen's entire life revolves around this t-ball stuff and it was a no-brainer that his bear get these particular clothes.  And it seems that Owen has some admirers up at Wake Forest, and to that he says "Hellooooo Ladies!"  Then he makes some crazy sound and makes a hand motion like he's cracking a whip.  I have no idea what that's about...  Anyway, on Wednesday my aunt had to pick him up and I was afraid he was going to go to pieces when I didn't show up because our whole entire morning conversations are based around "Mama will be back to pick you up at 2:30 Owen.  2:30.  I promise.  2:30.  It's only a little while.  I would never leave you, Owen, I will be there to pick you up at 2:30, now please come down off the roof."  I had the entire school and the entire Fire Department on alert for whatever his reaction might be when Chris got there to get him.  And the little guy was so excited to see her he couldn't stand himself.  And he went willingly.  And he asked me later why different people couldn't pick him up every day instead of me.  And guess what.  He hasn't cried at school since.  We have had four glorious days of walking into school and walking back out just like all the other parents, with no incidents.  If he makes it five days he gets the fishing game.  If he makes it ten I just might be able to give up my morning double shot of tequila. 

Skylar's bear is named Molly and from time to time she actually shows a little interest in it.  It's not her favorite thing though, her favorite thing is screaming loudly.  Her bear is wearing a cute top and some pink pants that look like some of the stuff Skylar has in her closet.  The shirt says "I'm Glamorous" and of course so is Skylar.  I mean, how can you have hair like that and not be glamorous? 

And leave it to Haley to take an innocent little bear and dress it up like Britney Spears.  But really, did you expect anything else?

The eye of the storm

See how adorable she looks? See how she looks so fun, like such a happy, well-adjusted 20 month old who's nothing but a joy to be around? SHE'S KIDDING.

Where is the love?

And shortly after the Happy Birthday Brian video, Heidi got her ass kicked. Again.