Merry Ho Ho Ho to You

Our picture with Santa at the mall:

If you don't buy the 5x7 for 12.99(!) that the elves offer you have three shots with your own camera. This picture was, believe it or not, the first one in our series. You'd have thought that I could have managed a better one than this, what with three tries, but my God do you know how quickly it can all go to pot when you have four kids crammed around Santa and then one of them realizes that THE SCARIEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH is holding her?

Merry Freakin Christmas

Today I went shopping with some gift cards that Scott's mom and younger brother sent for the kids.  I wanted them to have presents to open instead of just the cards so I decided to brave the mad rush of people and go to the mall.  After spending about five minutes in Old Navy I decided that it's impossible for me to get into "holiday spirit" mode when I have to shop surrounded by freakin morons.  

It's bad enough to deal with all the people standing around with buggies blocking the racks of clothes, but then you have to be accosted by over-eager sales associates who don't seem to have any tack.

"What size do you need?"

"12-18 months"

"Oh!  How old is your baby?"

"11 months today"

"Then are you sure you need to 12-18 month size instead of the 6-12 month size?  I mean, is your baby fat or something?"

"Are you in any way related to someone named Valerie?" ***

"What?"

And on and on it went, me pushing past people who didn't seem to be shopping, instead they were just visiting with friends they happened to run into at the mall, right in front of all the racks of clothes I wanted to look at.  The lines were ridiculous, but to fully appreciate my day you have to add that on to the fact that there were 72 mph wind gusts out here in West Texas today and when I walked out of the Dollar Store with my wrapping paper I blew over right in the middle of the parking lot.  

It all culminated in Sears, when, while I was waiting in line, I got into a screaming fight with some stupid punk teenager.  I won't bore you with all the details but it started with some jackass punk teenage boy making a huge scene accusing the two girls in line in front of me of staring at his girlfriend (by the way, if my girls EVER try to leave the house looking like this guy's girlfriend looked I will totally beat their ass) and it ended with me screaming this:

"SO WHAT if they were staring?  If it bothers you that badly I'll keep my fingers crossed really tight that maybe one day they'll make staring illegal and then you can SUE THEM!  But until that day comes SHUT UP FOR GOD'S SAKE!"  

After that I decided I should probably just call it a day... 

***inside joke 

How to eat a PopTart

By Skylar Starr

Break into smallish pieces. Pat thoroughly into carpet.













Pick up smallish pieces. Attempt to pick off carpet fuzz. Decide it doesn't really matter about the carpet fuzz.













Spread out, relax, and enjoy!

Happy Birthday to Pops!!!

Let's all have a drink or two...or ten

"What in the world have you been doing?  Why do you have black stuff all over you?  What is that black stuff?"

"Mama, how is Santa going to get in the chimney?  Because I was just in the fireplace and I looked up and I didn't see any sky."

Skylar's new favorite game

(it is best to play this game after Mommy has had a long day)

1.  try very hard, as hard as you possibly can, to get to something you are not supposed to have*

2.  attempt to crawl away from Mommy while holding the forbidden object while trying to cram it into your mouth

3.  when Mommy takes it away, fling yourself face down on the floor and scream your freaking head off

4.  when Mommy offers you some dumb stupid baby toy to play with instead, throw it at her head, give her the "evil-eye" and scream your freaking head off**

5.  when Mommy tries to stand you at the coffee table to play with some dumb stupid baby toy pretend you are a wet noodle and throw your head around and kick Mommy, then scream your freakin head off

6  when Mommy picks you up, throw up on her

*the best things are electrical cords, pencils or other writing instruments, the remote for the tv, or cat food

**do NOT treat car keys as an acceptable replacement toy.  while these are fun to play with, the novelty quickly wears off once Mommy removes the part with the BRIGHT! RED! panic button and you can no longer start the continuous horn honking by pushing said button

Car Version of the Game:

1.  sit in your carseat and scream your freaking head off

2.  take whatever Mommy hands you and (this is the key, pay attention!) do NOT throw it at her head or to any area of the car she can reach while driving.  instead, throw it to some remote part of the backseat, preferably by the door.  scream your freaking head off

3.  Mommy will quickly run out of things to hand you.  continue to scream your freaking head off.  

4.  Mommy will turn the radio up.  Scream louder.

5.  Mommy will stop the car and try to get you out.  However, when she opens the door all the shit you've thrown beside the door will fall out on the ground, and Mommy will have to pick it all up, and sometimes she will have to crawl under the car if you are lucky and the pacifier bounces correctly.  This will allow some extra time for you to continue to scream your freaking head off.

6.  the minute you get inside your destination, preferably a store of some type, throw up on Mommy.  

7.  sit in the buggy politely and smile and wave at all the passerbys and the cashier, prompting them to say what a good, sweet baby you are.

8.  upon returning to the car, see #1.

Why I'm against deductive reasoning

"Mom, Kadasia said that Santa Claus isn't real. She said it's your parents."

"Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm...I...(laughs nervously) IS IT YOU?"

"Ashlyn, come on! If there was no such thing as Santa then why would everybody go through so much trouble to make you think he's real? Why would everybody make it such a big deal? Why would all those people dress up like Santa at the mall and let kids crawl all over them?"

(thinking hard) "Maybe they're retired and need extra spending money."

The pediatric cardiologist

Today Skylar had her appointment with the pediatric cardiologist. You may be wondering why I didn't mention it beforehand and it's simply because I didn't want to worry everybody until there was something definite to worry about. Six months ago if I had said "Oh, by the way, Skylar has to see a pediatric cardiologist" everyone would have started calling asking questions and I wouldn't have had any real answers until after the appointment anyway, so I didn't tell anybody. It's not me keeping information from you, it's me being extra considerate and not causing you extra worry.


So anyway, the appointment was daunting, to say the least. They did an EKG with all the stickers and cords which surprisingly Skylar did not appreciate. And of course it totally freaked Owen out and from that point on he became a giant pain in the butt asking over and over again if I would please get Skylar's clothes on her so we could leave. Then there was blood pressure checks on both arms and both legs. When she was weighed they wouldn't even let her have on a diaper, so that was the best part for Skylar by far because she was NEKKID, and to her there's no better way to live. She weighs 20 lbs, 12 oz in her birthday suit and she is 30 inches long. All of these tests were done in one room, then when we were finished we moved to another room.


Dr. Zamora came in and listened to her chest and took some notes and then said he was going to do an ultrasound, so we moved to another room. Skylar didn't much care for the ultrasound either, and it took a while, probably about 15 minutes or so, and I was running out of things to do to entertain her and right when she began to lose her mind on my 20th rendition of "This little piggy" it was over.


The doctor said that her heart was normal, that the murmur was what they termed an "innocent murmur" and in no way degenerative. The clicking sound her heart was making is fine too, as all the valves are opening and closing normally and in normal rhythm. The sides of her heart are all normal and of normal thickness with no holes or leaks. He actually didn't hear the click, but Skylar was at the doctor yesterday and that doctor did hear it, but only faintly. So basically over the course of her life the click started out loud and has gradually diminished, which is exactly what you want to happen. They were all worried at first about her heart valves sticking or moving too fast or too slow and they were throwing all sorts of big words around that I didn't understand, but now we know it's all working perfectly.


We don't have any follow-up appointments and she does not need any additional care. Oh, and if anyone out there needs to decide on what to be when they grow up, I would say a pediatric cardiologist is a good choice. Dr. Zamora had on a Dolce and Gabbana suit with a Rolex watch. And I was afraid to even look at his shoes.

A lesson in being modest

"Who did you play with at preschool today?"

"Maleek, Noah, Ashley-"

"Ashley? A girl?"

"Yeah, but she's not my girlfriend!"

"She's not?  Are you sure?"

"Yeah!"

"But I bet she likes you though, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you think she likes you?"

"Well, because I'm so good looking!"

Preparation

Perhaps we all need to prepare ourselves for the very real possibility of us moving back to Alaska.

O Christmas Tree

You come into my home with this BIG FREAKING SPIDER on you? Are you serious? A spider the size of a quarter that, when squished with Ashlyn's shoe, produced roughly 1/4 cup of grayish slime? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Much pleasure thou can'st give me? There's only splendor for the sight? My ASS!

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Birthday Arden!

We miss you!

Wedding Dance

Amy and Brian Lemaster have obviously been posting old video of themselves on youtube....


--thanks lucinda

My Favorite Holiday Cookie Recipe

TEQUILA COOKIES

1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


**** CHERRY MISTMAS ****

--thanks Katie

T-minus 6 months

Scott's change of command will be between June 7th and June 17th, 2008. The Army Ball is on the 7th, and they won't let us leave before that, because let's face it, I'm the life of the party at the Army Ball, and the Colonel changes command on the 17th, so ours is inbetween those two dates.

Other than that we have no plan. No assignment. No orders. Nothing. He wanted to go to Tampa, but it turns out there's only 1 slot for a Captain there and it may not even be open. Yesterday he printed off a list of the available jobs for Captains and let me tell you, it's bad. The majority of the list is unaccompanied tours in Kuwait, which is a nice way of saying Iraq. There are some in Hawaii, but the schools are bad there so we don't want to go back with school age kids. There are 3 or so in Germany and some in Istanbul, Turkey, but after watching what Amber went through to get to Italy, um, No. Then you've got New York, D.C., California, Washington state, Alaska, a bunch in Korea, and it just gets even worse from there.

I'm about ready to say aw, screw it, let's go overseas to Germany, because nothing on the list is going to make my family happy and we have no control over the list, so if people are going to be mad at us for living far away we might as well go as far as possible. With the selection this poor, it's going to have to be just about what's best for his career, I guess, instead of where we want to live, so we'll see. But again, it's pretty bad. I could not believe there was not one single slot to Ft. Bragg, NC. I'm trying to think back to when you didn't get to choose, you were just handed an assignment and if you didn't like it, well, it was just too bad, you sucked it up and went anyway.

Somehow that's not making me feel any better.

A what?

Yesterday Owen got on the phone with my mother and told her for Christmas he wanted a Power Wheels and another tattoo, and he wanted this one to look just like Haley's.

And I don't think I need to tell you what happened next.

Haley turns 7

Today is Haley's birthday. She is 7 years old.

Yesterday she got a card in the mail from someone in our family congratulating her on turning 5. So we had a conversation that went like this:

"Five? Why does it say five? I'm not five, I'm seven. I'm not even close to five. I'm in first grade. Why do they think I'm five?"

"Haley, look, they just don't know. They don't see us often enough and, well, there's a lot of you kids around here and it's hard for people to remember. But listen, at least they remembered to send a card. At least they sent something! Isn't something better than nothing?"

"Well.....I guess so. But I still don't.....look, they even circled the number! And I'm NOT five!! And I bet on the inside it says.....HEY! TEN DOLLARS! WOOHOO!"

Hair Bow-nanza

Izzy Pack has a lot of hair.  A. Lot. Of. Hair.  So I thought I'd make her some hair bows and send them out to Arizona to her.  
And, you know, I just don't think Jin understood what I meant...