Merry Ho Ho Ho to You

Our picture with Santa at the mall:

If you don't buy the 5x7 for 12.99(!) that the elves offer you have three shots with your own camera. This picture was, believe it or not, the first one in our series. You'd have thought that I could have managed a better one than this, what with three tries, but my God do you know how quickly it can all go to pot when you have four kids crammed around Santa and then one of them realizes that THE SCARIEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH is holding her?

Merry Freakin Christmas

Today I went shopping with some gift cards that Scott's mom and younger brother sent for the kids.  I wanted them to have presents to open instead of just the cards so I decided to brave the mad rush of people and go to the mall.  After spending about five minutes in Old Navy I decided that it's impossible for me to get into "holiday spirit" mode when I have to shop surrounded by freakin morons.  

It's bad enough to deal with all the people standing around with buggies blocking the racks of clothes, but then you have to be accosted by over-eager sales associates who don't seem to have any tack.

"What size do you need?"

"12-18 months"

"Oh!  How old is your baby?"

"11 months today"

"Then are you sure you need to 12-18 month size instead of the 6-12 month size?  I mean, is your baby fat or something?"

"Are you in any way related to someone named Valerie?" ***

"What?"

And on and on it went, me pushing past people who didn't seem to be shopping, instead they were just visiting with friends they happened to run into at the mall, right in front of all the racks of clothes I wanted to look at.  The lines were ridiculous, but to fully appreciate my day you have to add that on to the fact that there were 72 mph wind gusts out here in West Texas today and when I walked out of the Dollar Store with my wrapping paper I blew over right in the middle of the parking lot.  

It all culminated in Sears, when, while I was waiting in line, I got into a screaming fight with some stupid punk teenager.  I won't bore you with all the details but it started with some jackass punk teenage boy making a huge scene accusing the two girls in line in front of me of staring at his girlfriend (by the way, if my girls EVER try to leave the house looking like this guy's girlfriend looked I will totally beat their ass) and it ended with me screaming this:

"SO WHAT if they were staring?  If it bothers you that badly I'll keep my fingers crossed really tight that maybe one day they'll make staring illegal and then you can SUE THEM!  But until that day comes SHUT UP FOR GOD'S SAKE!"  

After that I decided I should probably just call it a day... 

***inside joke 

How to eat a PopTart

By Skylar Starr

Break into smallish pieces. Pat thoroughly into carpet.













Pick up smallish pieces. Attempt to pick off carpet fuzz. Decide it doesn't really matter about the carpet fuzz.













Spread out, relax, and enjoy!

Happy Birthday to Pops!!!

Let's all have a drink or two...or ten

"What in the world have you been doing?  Why do you have black stuff all over you?  What is that black stuff?"

"Mama, how is Santa going to get in the chimney?  Because I was just in the fireplace and I looked up and I didn't see any sky."

Skylar's new favorite game

(it is best to play this game after Mommy has had a long day)

1.  try very hard, as hard as you possibly can, to get to something you are not supposed to have*

2.  attempt to crawl away from Mommy while holding the forbidden object while trying to cram it into your mouth

3.  when Mommy takes it away, fling yourself face down on the floor and scream your freaking head off

4.  when Mommy offers you some dumb stupid baby toy to play with instead, throw it at her head, give her the "evil-eye" and scream your freaking head off**

5.  when Mommy tries to stand you at the coffee table to play with some dumb stupid baby toy pretend you are a wet noodle and throw your head around and kick Mommy, then scream your freakin head off

6  when Mommy picks you up, throw up on her

*the best things are electrical cords, pencils or other writing instruments, the remote for the tv, or cat food

**do NOT treat car keys as an acceptable replacement toy.  while these are fun to play with, the novelty quickly wears off once Mommy removes the part with the BRIGHT! RED! panic button and you can no longer start the continuous horn honking by pushing said button

Car Version of the Game:

1.  sit in your carseat and scream your freaking head off

2.  take whatever Mommy hands you and (this is the key, pay attention!) do NOT throw it at her head or to any area of the car she can reach while driving.  instead, throw it to some remote part of the backseat, preferably by the door.  scream your freaking head off

3.  Mommy will quickly run out of things to hand you.  continue to scream your freaking head off.  

4.  Mommy will turn the radio up.  Scream louder.

5.  Mommy will stop the car and try to get you out.  However, when she opens the door all the shit you've thrown beside the door will fall out on the ground, and Mommy will have to pick it all up, and sometimes she will have to crawl under the car if you are lucky and the pacifier bounces correctly.  This will allow some extra time for you to continue to scream your freaking head off.

6.  the minute you get inside your destination, preferably a store of some type, throw up on Mommy.  

7.  sit in the buggy politely and smile and wave at all the passerbys and the cashier, prompting them to say what a good, sweet baby you are.

8.  upon returning to the car, see #1.

Why I'm against deductive reasoning

"Mom, Kadasia said that Santa Claus isn't real. She said it's your parents."

"Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm...I...(laughs nervously) IS IT YOU?"

"Ashlyn, come on! If there was no such thing as Santa then why would everybody go through so much trouble to make you think he's real? Why would everybody make it such a big deal? Why would all those people dress up like Santa at the mall and let kids crawl all over them?"

(thinking hard) "Maybe they're retired and need extra spending money."

The pediatric cardiologist

Today Skylar had her appointment with the pediatric cardiologist. You may be wondering why I didn't mention it beforehand and it's simply because I didn't want to worry everybody until there was something definite to worry about. Six months ago if I had said "Oh, by the way, Skylar has to see a pediatric cardiologist" everyone would have started calling asking questions and I wouldn't have had any real answers until after the appointment anyway, so I didn't tell anybody. It's not me keeping information from you, it's me being extra considerate and not causing you extra worry.


So anyway, the appointment was daunting, to say the least. They did an EKG with all the stickers and cords which surprisingly Skylar did not appreciate. And of course it totally freaked Owen out and from that point on he became a giant pain in the butt asking over and over again if I would please get Skylar's clothes on her so we could leave. Then there was blood pressure checks on both arms and both legs. When she was weighed they wouldn't even let her have on a diaper, so that was the best part for Skylar by far because she was NEKKID, and to her there's no better way to live. She weighs 20 lbs, 12 oz in her birthday suit and she is 30 inches long. All of these tests were done in one room, then when we were finished we moved to another room.


Dr. Zamora came in and listened to her chest and took some notes and then said he was going to do an ultrasound, so we moved to another room. Skylar didn't much care for the ultrasound either, and it took a while, probably about 15 minutes or so, and I was running out of things to do to entertain her and right when she began to lose her mind on my 20th rendition of "This little piggy" it was over.


The doctor said that her heart was normal, that the murmur was what they termed an "innocent murmur" and in no way degenerative. The clicking sound her heart was making is fine too, as all the valves are opening and closing normally and in normal rhythm. The sides of her heart are all normal and of normal thickness with no holes or leaks. He actually didn't hear the click, but Skylar was at the doctor yesterday and that doctor did hear it, but only faintly. So basically over the course of her life the click started out loud and has gradually diminished, which is exactly what you want to happen. They were all worried at first about her heart valves sticking or moving too fast or too slow and they were throwing all sorts of big words around that I didn't understand, but now we know it's all working perfectly.


We don't have any follow-up appointments and she does not need any additional care. Oh, and if anyone out there needs to decide on what to be when they grow up, I would say a pediatric cardiologist is a good choice. Dr. Zamora had on a Dolce and Gabbana suit with a Rolex watch. And I was afraid to even look at his shoes.

A lesson in being modest

"Who did you play with at preschool today?"

"Maleek, Noah, Ashley-"

"Ashley? A girl?"

"Yeah, but she's not my girlfriend!"

"She's not?  Are you sure?"

"Yeah!"

"But I bet she likes you though, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you think she likes you?"

"Well, because I'm so good looking!"

Preparation

Perhaps we all need to prepare ourselves for the very real possibility of us moving back to Alaska.

O Christmas Tree

You come into my home with this BIG FREAKING SPIDER on you? Are you serious? A spider the size of a quarter that, when squished with Ashlyn's shoe, produced roughly 1/4 cup of grayish slime? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Much pleasure thou can'st give me? There's only splendor for the sight? My ASS!

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Birthday Arden!

We miss you!

Wedding Dance

Amy and Brian Lemaster have obviously been posting old video of themselves on youtube....


--thanks lucinda

My Favorite Holiday Cookie Recipe

TEQUILA COOKIES

1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


**** CHERRY MISTMAS ****

--thanks Katie

T-minus 6 months

Scott's change of command will be between June 7th and June 17th, 2008. The Army Ball is on the 7th, and they won't let us leave before that, because let's face it, I'm the life of the party at the Army Ball, and the Colonel changes command on the 17th, so ours is inbetween those two dates.

Other than that we have no plan. No assignment. No orders. Nothing. He wanted to go to Tampa, but it turns out there's only 1 slot for a Captain there and it may not even be open. Yesterday he printed off a list of the available jobs for Captains and let me tell you, it's bad. The majority of the list is unaccompanied tours in Kuwait, which is a nice way of saying Iraq. There are some in Hawaii, but the schools are bad there so we don't want to go back with school age kids. There are 3 or so in Germany and some in Istanbul, Turkey, but after watching what Amber went through to get to Italy, um, No. Then you've got New York, D.C., California, Washington state, Alaska, a bunch in Korea, and it just gets even worse from there.

I'm about ready to say aw, screw it, let's go overseas to Germany, because nothing on the list is going to make my family happy and we have no control over the list, so if people are going to be mad at us for living far away we might as well go as far as possible. With the selection this poor, it's going to have to be just about what's best for his career, I guess, instead of where we want to live, so we'll see. But again, it's pretty bad. I could not believe there was not one single slot to Ft. Bragg, NC. I'm trying to think back to when you didn't get to choose, you were just handed an assignment and if you didn't like it, well, it was just too bad, you sucked it up and went anyway.

Somehow that's not making me feel any better.

A what?

Yesterday Owen got on the phone with my mother and told her for Christmas he wanted a Power Wheels and another tattoo, and he wanted this one to look just like Haley's.

And I don't think I need to tell you what happened next.

Haley turns 7

Today is Haley's birthday. She is 7 years old.

Yesterday she got a card in the mail from someone in our family congratulating her on turning 5. So we had a conversation that went like this:

"Five? Why does it say five? I'm not five, I'm seven. I'm not even close to five. I'm in first grade. Why do they think I'm five?"

"Haley, look, they just don't know. They don't see us often enough and, well, there's a lot of you kids around here and it's hard for people to remember. But listen, at least they remembered to send a card. At least they sent something! Isn't something better than nothing?"

"Well.....I guess so. But I still don't.....look, they even circled the number! And I'm NOT five!! And I bet on the inside it says.....HEY! TEN DOLLARS! WOOHOO!"

Hair Bow-nanza

Izzy Pack has a lot of hair.  A. Lot. Of. Hair.  So I thought I'd make her some hair bows and send them out to Arizona to her.  
And, you know, I just don't think Jin understood what I meant...

Friday's Feast, 30 November 2007

Appetizer
What is your favorite carnival/amusement park ride?

The roller coaster.  I love roller coasters, and this love has been passed down to both Ashlyn and Haley, who can't get enough of them.  Of course, they probably got it from Scott.

Soup
How do you react in uncomfortable social situations?

The first thing I do is try to find someone else who is as uncomfortable as I am and then I discreetly make sure they are uncomfortable for all the same reasons.  Then we stand off to the side and make inappropriate comments about whatever is happening.  Then I blog about it.  If no one else is uncomfortable then I just excuse myself and go off to the bar.  Ha Ha!

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy discussing deep, philosophical topics?

1.  And to prove it, that's all I'm going to say about it.

Main Course
Did you get a flu shot this year? If not, do you plan to?

No, I did not get the flu shot this year, nor did I get it last year or the year before that.  It's just not something we do.  My kids have only gotten it once, and that was back when I believed everything doctors told me.  

Dessert
Approximately how many hours per week do you spend watching television?

I don't watch tv in real time.  Once you get a tivo machine you start to believe that you are just too good for that sort of thing and no way will you ever again waste your time watching commercials.  So to answer the question, I watch lots of shows, but no commercials, so I can't figure out the total amount of time it takes to watch them.  My tivo list is extensive; it currently includes the following:

Extreme Makeover Home Edition

Desperate Housewives

Brothers and Sisters

Heroes

The Biggest Loser

Private Practice

Real Housewives of the OC

Gray's Anatomy

Frank TV

The Next Great American Band

UFC

Pimp My Ride

Hip Hop Harry 

And let me take just a moment and say that Hip Hop Harry is by far my favorite show.  I don't know if any of you watch it, but it comes on Discovery Kids at 9am and noon here.  It's a giant bear and he raps and the little kids hip hop dance and it's totally geared towards people who are, um, not me, but I love it and even better Skylar loves it.  The bear starts yelling "Hip Hop" and the kids yell "Harry!" and Skylar's little head whips around and she just starts dancing like a fool.  I'm trying to teach her to wave her arms in the air when they do that part.  Tina, you would be sooo proud!  No, we never, ever, miss Hip Hop Harry.  Oh, and I know the time on that one.  30 minutes.  It's 30 straight minutes of rump shaking, break dancing, arm waving, and rapping by the cutest little future Britneys and Kevins that you've ever laid eyes on.  And they teach stuff too.  The first time I saw it I was so amazed I couldn't look away and afterwards I couldn't remember if they teach anything or not, but as I've continued to watch it I've been able to focus a little more and I've come to realize that while it's certainly convenient that "Harry" rhymes with "library", this show teaches that just about any two words rhyme if you say them fast enough.  So yeah, it's entertaining AND informational.  What more could you want for your 10 month old?  

My Hero!

Last night in Chattanooga there was a multi-car accident.  There was an 18 month old child ejected from one of the cars, and the driver of the car, a male, picked up the child and attempted to leave the scene.  A nurse from Erlanger Medical Center was on her way home, heard that a child had been injured, and stopped to help.  

She saw the man leaving with the child and approached him and tried to communicate, but he didn't speak English.  So she used hand motions to try to get him to understand and try to get him to put down the baby.  At first he refused, but she persisted and stayed with him until the paramedics got there, at which point he handed over the child.

It turns out that the man had kidnapped the child!  I don't know if they know why, but I've heard that it could have been a drugs/ransom type thing, but that could be a rumor.  So I guess the guy was trying to get away from the scene with the child before he was caught.  Who knows what would have happened to the baby if he had succeeded.  

And here's the kicker.  The nurse was none other than Kendall, my cousin Adam's girlfriend!  I've known Kendall for years, and she is such a great person, and this just proves it!  My girls love her to death, and on top of being a great nurse, she trained as a masseuse too and gives great massages.  I can't say enough good things about Kendall, and what Adam's waiting for, I don't know, but I'm fixing to call him and see when he's going to make an honest woman out of her.  I'm sure he'll appreciate that!  

Thank God for people like Kendall, who react the way we all hope we would react if a crises occurred.  She is an angel, plain and simple.

Overheard (loudly) in the bathroom at Burger King

"Owen, it's very dirty in here, so we're going to just stand up and peepee, okay?  Don't touch anything."

"But Mommy!  Is it okay for me to touch my tallywhacker?"

(I swear, I am this close to just giving up.)

Show-off

Recently there has been a resurgence in mega bloks around here. I'm telling you, we love the mega bloks. Not to be confused with legos, mega bloks are bigger and Skylar cannot swallow them, try as she might. So we had 450 mega bloks, which I see I wrongly identified as legos in my previous post about them. We still have all 450; I know this because periodically I count them, hoping to prove a point "See! You do not keep up with your stuff! No way am I buying you a pony!" but somehow they have managed to keep up with every single one of them. Their shoes? Not so much. But the mega bloks? You can bet your ass they're all still in the box.

Now it seems we are in the middle of a mega block frenzy and WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH MEGA BLOKS. 150 apiece is just not enough to build anything worthwhile, and of course Scott has to build too, and this leads to the whining that I am so adamently against. Monday morning there was an unfortunate accident involving (and I'm trying to be really strong here and talk about it) the top and bottom of one of Scott's uniforms, an ink pen, and *sniff* my dryer. And oh, there was yelling, and lots and lots of bad words, and more yelling, and we almost lost the dryer. Thankfully she pulled through, but sadly, Scott's best back-up uniform did not make it. Owen and I went on post to buy another one, which they did not have, so we went to the BX and found more mega bloks. 180 more, to bring us to a grand total of 630.

We brought them home and opened the box and to our absolute! delight! found that this box not only had the red, blue and yellow bloks, but purple and two shades of green. The girls came home from school and they all sat down to play and you know what? WE DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH MEGA BLOKS. No, no, no, with the addition of the new mega bloks doors of opportunity are practically blowing off their hinges and no one wants to share. So I took away the mega bloks, and the whining commenced, and then, then I got a migraine. I get probably two migraines a month. Yes, I should probably see a doctor, but, oh, let's not get started on the quality of our health care here at Goodfellow AirForce Base. So, in an effort to attain quiet, I put Shrek the Third on repeat play and that seemed to work.

Tuesday I went shopping on ebay. So any day now 425 additional mega bloks should arrive at my house, which means we will have 1055.

And we had a contest (before the addition of the green and purple bloks), and there had to be a winner, because we live with Scott, and what's the point of playing if we don't vote on a winner, so Ashlyn was the judge because I can't be the judge since I always vote for Owen. But in my defense, it's hard not to vote for him because, well, have you seen the kid? He's just about the cutest thing ever, and he has these huge brown eyes, and he comes up and gives you that look that he learned from the cat in Shrek and says "I made you Mommy, don't you like it?" and of course I vote for him. Plus, he gets sooo excited when he wins and it makes him like me more.

So Ashlyn judged and Scott, Haley, and Owen all made something and I took pictures:

Owen's entry was a building with a fence, but he said if you tilt your head a little bit it looks like me.

Haley made a palm tree.

Scott, clearly overestimating the level of ability in his competitors, made a duck.

I think I forgot the question

"Hey Mama, do you know what really pisses Mrs. Owens off?"

(me choking on my taco salad)

"When it's cold outside and people wear short sleeves and no coat.  It messes up recess for us.  Yeah...that really pisses Mrs. Owens off."

Because how you poop defines you

"Did Skylar poop?"

"Yeah, she did, I'm changing it."

"Can I see it?"

"Owen, why do you want to see her poop?"

"I just want to look and--HEY!  that's not baby poop!  That's poop balls.  That's like my poop."

"Well, I guess."

"That's like people poop!  Why is she pooping like that?"

"Uh..."

"You know, I think she must be turning into a real live person!"

Friday's Feast, 23 November 2007

Appetizer
What was your first “real” job?

I worked at Belk in the mall while I was going to JUCO.  If you don't count all the hours and hours I spent vacuuming the stupid swimming pool.  

Soup
Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity?

Hobby Lobby.  Or a closet.  I get all creative and organizational whenever I go into a closet.  Any kind of closet.  It doesn't matter.  I think if we had a Container Store I would work there, and when I grow up I want to be a Professional Space Planner.  Well, either that or I want drive 18-Wheelers with Scott and one day be on Trick My Truck.  I haven't fully decided yet.  I figure whatever I choose will probably involve more school though, and I hate school, but I think my college degree might have expired by now.  

Salad
Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when…

...ever I take my kids to the post office.  What is it about the post office that makes my kids act like retards?  Every single freakin time.  Somebody please help me out with this one because for the life of me I HAVE NO IDEA.

Main Course
What values did your parents instill in you?

Never quit.  Be honest.  Maybe I should stop so I don't get all teary.

Dessert
Name 3 fads from your teenage years.

big hair (which I hope catches back on one day)

Sebegos (and holy crap they still make them, in lots of styles and colors!)

tight rolling your jeans (and if your feet were numb you knew you were doing it right)

Not a fan, will never be a fan

My mother took me to the mall today shopping for the kids' Christmas presents.  I spent the majority of my time hiding out in the shoe department of JCPenney's fearing for my life.  I honestly do not understand how people can possibly enjoy going out on a day like today and fighting the crowds, just to save an extra 10% off a pair of $20 jeans.

Tonight we were watching the news and they were showing video taken this morning at Target.  It was a special report about just how much you can save by going out and getting run over by shopping buggies.  There was a girl in line paying for some item, I don't know what it was, but the reporter asked her how much money she was saving by being in line at 3am.  And this was her answer:

"Oh, gosh, this was only $80, and it's regularly $120.  So I'm saving, like, $60 or $70!  It's TOTALLY WORTH IT!"

People!  So this is why this shopping day is so appealing to so many of you?  Because you can't subtract?  And I bet her friends and family saw her on the news and called her and were all like "No, no, no, $120 minus $80 is $40, you saved $40."  

I wonder if it's still totally worth it after you look like a jackass on the local news?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and eat some turkey and all that blah blah blah. Today Scott dressed up in his bus driver suit and went to feed the soldiers up at the chow hall. On his end of the serving line was his 1st Sgt, Brian, and the Colonel, Col Chester. Also there was Sgt Maj Sanchez but we don't count him when we think of fun and fancy free. I'm told that people came down their serving line not for the food but for the entertainment value alone. Plus Scott managed to not get anything on his coat while cutting turkey, so that's worth mentioning.

My mom flew in on Saturday. She landed about 1:15 and we made it back to the house by 1:45. By 2:15 she had all 4 kids at the park, so I took a nap. On Sunday she got up and took all 4 kids back to the park, so I took a nap. On Monday at 9:30am she packed all 4 kids in the car and went to WalMart, stayed gone 2 1/2 hours, and I took a nap. And if you think you might spot a pattern here, you would be correct.

Tuesday my dad drove in and he got here about 10pm. With both dogs. Ashlyn, Haley and Owen immediately started climbing all over him like crazy because they didn't see how he could possibly be tired since he'd "been sitting down all day long." Skylar shunned Pops, thereby solidifying her place right alongside Mary Kate on the list titled People Who Will Receive No Inheritance From Pops.

Wednesday night during a wrestling session involving 3 kids and one older man who may never fully recover from this trip Skylar decided that all the laughing must mean that it was fun, not scary and she might want deep down to play too. She crawled over with a delighted look on her face and attempted to grab Pops' shirt but right at that moment Pops jumped up because he didn't see her and Skylar fell over flat on her back. She screamed and cried huge tears and everyone yelled at Pops, especially Nana.

Today we cooked Thanksgiving dinner but Nana and I had to make a quick trip to WalMart because there was something wrong with my sage so we needed new sage and we would have been back much sooner but I got caught helping a man that you could honestly say was older than dirt on the medicine aisle. And no, it wasn't that he needed a certain cold medicine or some tylenol on the top shelf. Nope. He needed diarrhea medicine. A little green pill, he said. And people, do you know how many different types of diarrhea medicine WalMart sells? 18. I know this because I had to read the label on every single one to this old man, who eventually settled on the Equate brand, which did not come in little green pill form, but he was convinced nonetheless that when he opened the bottle the pills would be green. It's amazing what we will suffer through just because Santa is watching.

So that's our weekly recap, the abridged version.

Tomorrow we are going shopping. Not the crack of dawn, crazy possessed, knock down drag out over Wiis or lite brites shopping, but the leisurely, after lunch we might go to the mall shopping. This will be like facing my worst fear-the crowds, the shoving, the crowds... This is the first Friday After Thanksgiving shopping I will be participating in since we lived in Hawaii. We are not taking any children with us so that means no strollers so that means I have a good chance of getting through it without having a breakdown like I did that one time in the bathroom of the Pearl Harbor Naval Exchange Mall. But I just don't feel confident enough about it to promise.

Friday's Feast, 15 November 2007

Appetizer
Which snack do you like to get when you go to the movies?

I do not go to the movies.  I hate the movies.  

Soup
What year did you start using the internet?

1999

Salad
What is your first name in Pig Latin? (Here’s how to speak it if you don’t already know!)

Enniferjay

Main Course
Name something you are picky about.

It pisses me off to no end when people put clothes into the laundry inside out.  It's the little things, people.  The LITTLE THINGS.

Dessert
Fill in the blanks: I ____ ____ yesterday and I ____ ____ today.

ate italian

ate chinese

So that makes me older than...uh...dirt

Yesterday afternoon the girls and I went antiquing.

"Mama!  This stuff looks really really old!"

"Yeah, some of it is pretty old."

"Wow.  I mean, this stuff looks like it came from the 80s!"

The Dare

Last night Scott dared me that I couldn't run from the bathroom across our bedroom, jump over the cedar chest, and do a front flip over the footboard of the bed. (I mean, he's coming up with crap like this all the time, though usually it's directed at the kids, like "I bet you can't jump from the roof to the trampoline and then do a double-flip off the bounce and land in the swimming pool. Here, let me lift you up to the roof!" And the kids all try and then we have to go to the emergency room and lie to child services and whatnot about what really happened.) Of course he did it on the first try and it really looked easy, so I'm all "I can SO do that!" and he's all "Well let's see it big mouth!" What transpired next brought a few things to my attention:
1. I am old.
2. I am not limber.
3. I think I may have injured my shoulder.

Had the dare not involved the cedar chest I'm pretty sure I could have done it on the first try. But having to jump and clear the cedar chest and the footboard, which is made of iron bars, at the same time is tough, let me tell you. Not only do you need the height, you also need the distance. Basically you had to dive over the cedar chest, catch the footboard with your hands, and use your upper body strength to keep your head from banging into the iron bars while you tuck your legs and flip your body over. You also have to account for the ceiling fan, which was on medium speed at the time and hangs right over where you are flipping.

AND I SO DID IT! I'm not going to say how many tries it took me to do it though. I will only say it was double digits. Of course I wasn't going to give up until I did it, because the whole time Scott was saying how there was just no way in heck I would ever make it. Then Scott's all "Now do it with no hands!" and of course he does it on his first freakin try. I think it may be the new thing we do at all our parties.

I feel like a total bad ass. And Scott really didn't think I could do it, so he was highly impressed.

But good grief, my shoulder hurts like a mother.

Field Trip #2

Today Owen was scheduled to go on the second field trip of his short preschool career. The plan was to put all the 3 year olds on a bus and drive over to Fort Concho, where I'm betting not one single kid would understand what the heck anybody was talking about. However, without a doubt those people over at the "3 Rs Ranch" on Goodfellow AFB are striving for excellence, and totally believed the kids would fall in love with the whole historic experience. Owen did not fully comprehend where exactly they were going, and I would bet the farm if he had he would have refused to get on the bus, given what happened the last time we went to Fort Concho.

The bus carrying all the 3 year olds made it all the way off post before it broke down.

Somehow they got it started again and got to "you know, that place where they keep the buses, to try to switch to another one." That little gem of information came straight from Owen's teacher, word for word. I don't know why she didn't know the actual name of the place where they keep the buses, since there was probably a sign or two there, but before I could really wrap my head around the fact that Owen's teacher was so oblivious that she wasn't completely sure of where she was she told me that while they were "looking for another bus" the kids all went inside the place with no name and "watched cartoons on the little tv they had." At that point I really started to feel like I needed to count backwards from, oh, one thousand or so, while the level of stress in my body returned to a managable level and my eyesight fully returned.

It turns out they couldn't get another bus, so they put the kids back on the one that had just broken down and made it back to the preschool without further incident.

The good news is all the kids thought they went on a field trip to some place to watch cartoons.

And they absolutely loved it.

The Conference

Yesterday up at that drama pit of an elementary school where my kids attend there was an incident that indirectly involved Haley so now tomorrow I have to go up and talk to the principal about it. Let's face it, before Haley was 2 we all knew this day would come; even my mother told me I'd better just get a parking spot right by the front door, because I'd be up there all the time sorting out her messes. This feeling was further enforced the first day of preschool when Haley was only 3 years old and she punched a little boy because "he tried to stand in my spot."

This time, however, I am proud to say that Haley has not done anything wrong. But now I've got my fur all up and I've got an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. And the principal...well, this is going to sound bad, really bad, so I'm just going to go ahead with it, because right now I'm a little ticked so I don't feel as badly about saying it. The principal is a total babe. Right down to her 5 inch heels, extra short skirts, bleached hair and mile long red fingernails. For the entire first year Ashlyn went to school there I was confused as to why they allowed a stripper to run around on the campus. I am not joking, she could so easily be the "exotic dancer" at Da Club down the street from my house where all of Scott's underage soldiers who are not supposed to be traveling off base at any time go to get drunk. And her name is Cheri for God's sake.

I feel really bad, because I'm such a superficial ass to look at her and have a hard time with the fact that she is the principal, but I do. So I've got to go spend an hour with her (and Owen and Skylar) and try to have a serious conversation with her, all the while knowing that her whole life people have probably not been able to get past her looks and gee that must have been tough while at the same time thinking how life is just not fair for all us ugly folk. Also, if you don't want to be viewed as Hooker Barbie, then don't dress like her.

Anyway, I have several things I would like to discuss with her, which include but are not limited to:

1. It's become painfully obvious in the last few weeks that the first graders up at that school need a little more supervision than they are currently receiving.

2. I need a little clarification on what is and is not an appropriate way to spend the school day. I feel like there needs to be more focus on teaching and less focus on petty issues that are always going to come up when you are surrounded by 6 year olds.

3. I do not appreciate the use of scare tactics by another individual on my kid. As her mother, I can parent her however the heck I want to, but as a teacher you should be held to a little higher standard than that. Threats? Really?

4. As a teacher, don't lie to my kid. Also, don't lie to my kid and expect her not to lie back.

There is also a small issue at preschool with Owen, because they have the long ropes with the rings hanging on them that they use for walks and Owen apparently refuses to hold a ring and just walks whichever way he feels like walking. But that's for another day. I'm pacing myself. Hell, it's 38 degrees here in the mornings and I can't get the boy to put on a coat. Do you really think I can make him hold some plastic ring when I'm not even there? Because if you do then you are really really overestimating my super powers.

Brutal

"What did you have for lunch today at preschool?"

"Chicken!"

"Did you eat it?"

"Yeah."

"Was it good?"

"Yeah!"

"Was it better than mommy's chicken?"

"Oh, yeah!"

"Owen!  You hurt my feelings!  You're supposed to say that mommy's chicken is the best chicken."

"But mommy....that's lying."

The Passing of Time

It seems like forever ago and it seems like it was only yesterday at the same time.  In reality, it's been two years today.  Though looking back, if you consider the way the cancer ravaged her body, leaving her so utterly...unable, unable to sit up, unable to walk, unable to allow someone to carry her to the car and drive her to chemo, if you consider that, it's been longer than two years.  However long it's been since she's been gone, today is the date that will always stick in my mind.  

I've been aware this day was approaching for a while, but at the same time I was so afraid I would miss it.  That I would wake up and it would be the 6th, and I would have passed through today without a thought of her.  Maybe that would have been better.  

The end came quickly and quietly, with a doctor somewhere offering up some number of days, some arbitrary amount of time, information that no one wanted to hear or accept.  In reality, it came much quicker than expected, a beautiful frail lady surrounded by friends and family who never wanted to have to see such things, but watching anyway until her last shallow breath faded away.  I was not in that room;  I was several thousand miles away, across the country, celebrating at an early birthday party for Haley.  Later, my father would apologize for calling with the news during such a happy time.  But isn't that the way it should have been?  In my mind it was just another testament to the fact that life goes on.  That you can lose someone, but you still have so many more someone's in your life to be thankful for.  

Two days later I flew on a plane to her funeral.  I wore a bracelet she gave me the Christmas 11 months earlier, three months before the diagnosis, three months before she was even the least little bit sick.  It was a heavy silver Brighton bracelet, and before each leg of the flight it set off the metal detectors.  Finally, some airport security woman told me I should probably take it off and put it in my carry-on.  And I laid into her with everything I had.   How dare she tell me on the way to a funeral to take of a bracelet given to me by the very person who had died?  I didn't take the bracelet off until after the funeral.  But I haven't worn it since.    

          

So much has happened in these two years since she passed.  We shared the same birthday, and I had another one without her.  Babies that we never planned on were born, babies that we never thought would happen are happening, marriages that leave me so confused I don't know what to say about them were made, divorces of friends, and more sickness and death.  In other words, life has continued, however mundane, however exciting. 

My husband commands a company in which he is responsible for just over 400 people.  In the year and a half since he started this job I have seen a lot.  I have seen liars, cheaters, thieves, people whose characters are so questionable and bad all you can do is shake your head and count the days until you never have to see them or deal with them again.  That was never the case with her.  Though she was far from perfect she was someone everyone would have benefited from knowing.  She was a truly good person.  

So I am sad.  Not sad that I cannot call her, or see her, but sad because I know she is simply not here anymore.  And I can ask Why her? until I'm blue, but the real question is Why not her?  Why not someone I didn't know?  There was someone I didn't know who died that day.  There were hundreds of them all over the world.  Other people knew them, and they suffered too, and they asked Why her?  I will have loss in my life, just as everyone else will have too.  I can count on one had, and not use all my fingers, the people I've known who've died and affected me like this.  I am one of the lucky ones.  Life is full of hurt, but it is also full of hope.  I guess I feel I am beginning to get better.  

Today, on the two year anniversary of her death, my brother and his wife are sitting in a doctor's office with an ultrasound machine, finding out if their baby will be a boy or a girl.  They tried for so long and were so worried that they may not get this baby.  But it's in there, and it's fixing to get a gender and soon a name.  And I'm happy about that, happy for them.  It's all so hopeful.  And who doesn't need a little bit of hope? 

This isn't the best poem in the world.  There are so many other ones out there that are more eloquent, more beautiful.  But this poem is for my mother, who I'm sure is having a bad day.

Don't think of her as gone away-her journey's just begun

Life holds so many facets-this earth is only one

Just think of her as resting from the sorrows and the tears

In a place of warmth and comfort where there are no days and years

Think how she must be wishing that we could know today

How nothing but our sadness can really pass away

And think of her as living in the hearts of those she touched

For nothing loved is ever lost and she was loved so much.

My phone conversation with Cooter

(phone rings)
"Hello?"

"Hey! Who's this?"

"Um...who's this?"

"This is Cooter."

"Cooter?"

"Yeah, Cooter. Who's this?"

"Um..."

"I got a call from this number on my cell phone. It showed up on my caller ID. I didn't hear my phone ring so I didn't answer it."

"Oh! What is the area code of your number?"

"913."

"Was it about 11:30 or so last night?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh, I'm sorry about that. One of my husband's soldiers was at the hospital and he was trying to get a hold of him. I guess we had his old number."

"One of your husband's soldiers?"

"Yeah."

"Your husband is in the Army?"

"Yeah."

"Hey! AWESOME!"

"Um, yeah."

"What does he do?"

"Well, he's in Military Intelligence and-"

"Ooh! Does he know a lot of secrets and stuff?"

"I don't really think what he knows is necessarily secrets, but it's classified information and-"

"Classified information! That's so AWESOME!"

"Yeah, I guess it is."

"Hey! God bless your husband ma'am. And God bless you ma'am! I really appreciate it, ya know? Just...thank you. Thank you. I can't say thank you enough!"

"Um, okay, thank you."

"NO! Thank YOU! Hey, I gotta get back to the job. Talk to you later!"

"Um, okay. Bye Cooter."

"Bye. GOD BLESS AMERICA! WOOHOO!!"

The school called...

Every time the phone rings and I see "S A ISD" on the caller ID I cringe.  That stands for San Angelo Independent School District and it means that Haley has managed to convince someone that she is going to die if they don't let her call me right now.  Last year, I'm positive of this, they had me on their speed dial, and honestly, no lie, Haley called me twice a week.  She can get anyone to believe that she is sick, she can make herself throw up, and she can develop a fever on demand.  There were several times last year that I flat-out refused to go up to the school and get her, and once Scott even left work and drove over and threatened to take her to an orphanage if she did not go straight back to class.  

The first thing the lady told me after I confirmed that I was, in fact, Mrs. Starr was that both my kids were fine.  She then told me that one of the forms Haley had brought home for me to fill out was not signed at the bottom.  It seems that there are special grants and whatnot to be had if you have military kids in your school; this is per Amy, who knows everything there is to know about schools and good schools and bad schools and school rules and the like.  So the schools here send home forms once a month or so for parents to fill out with questions that seem to not pertain to anything, like "Have you or someone in your family worked on a farm in the last 6 months?"  I mean, seriously, what is that about?   And do marijuana farms count, or just real live farms?  These forms are hard!

I told the lady I had to pick up my son from preschool and then I'd be by to sign the form that for some reason she could not just send home with Haley again so I could sign it here.  She also told me that No, she couldn't just "sign it for me."  I don't know about you, but these office "helpers" don't seem to be very "helpful" to me.

I got Skylar up and changed her diaper and the thought occured to me that she hadn't taken her morning poop, as I notice and think about these sorts of things constantly.  We drove to the preschool and on the way Skylar complied and took a poop.  A HUGE one.  And my gosh did she stink to high heaven.  And I had no diaper in the car because I have no diaper bag.  I did buy a diaper bag on ebay and it was a Vera Bradley one and it was lovely, but Scott hated it from the moment I triumphantly pulled it out of the mailbox bragging about how I beat out all the other people bidding on it.  I think I carried it twice before I decided that yes, it was butt-ugly and I sold it on ebay for a higher price than I originally paid for it.  Score!  So then I bought another diaper bag on ebay that was super cute and homemade and it's about big enough to carry a pacifer, which we don't need to carry because Skylar carries that.  Which means we have no diaper bag to speak of.  I have rectified that by purchasing a really cool brown diaper bag with pink skulls on it and it should be delivered any day now but the post office here is the definition of "slacker" and really, who knows if it's coming or when.  

I carried Stinky Skylar into the school and Owen was sitting at a table counting the dots on the dominoes.  You know, I really wish I made this stuff up, but I don't.  That's what they're teaching him?  Anyway, he looked up and I noticed that his nose was all scratched up and he had a huge red bump on his forehead.  I asked Ms. Jeannette (which I sort of feel is an old lady name but she's like, 26) "What happened to his face?" and she told me that the playground was too wet for them to play on (I can't remember when it last rained) so they went to the volleyball courts to play and Owen fell and could I please sign this accident report for the school file.  It seems that a while back Ashlyn got hurt at school, and I was never asked to sign any "accident report."  Owen said his face didn't hurt, but that his friend Maleek told him there was blood on it.  

Then we drove to the girls' school to sign the paper I forgot to sign and I guess the poop was some alien kind because the smell intensified 100 times over and Skylar was almost climbing out of my arms in attempt to get away from it.  So she started crying.  And Owen started crying because I wouldn't allow him to go to Ashlyn and Haley's classrooms to see them.  Oh, and because I wouldn't go get them and bring them home with us.  So they were both crying, and Skylar's butt smelled so bad that my eyes were watering, and we came home and Owen wouldn't get out of the car, and Skylar screamed when I sat her down in the poopy diaper so I could go drag Owen inside, and finally I just gave up and started drinking.  Because when life throws you lemons you slap a little tequila on it and bam!  Now that's the lemonade I'm talking about! 

Happy Halloween!

Saturday night we went to the Fall Festival at Ashlyn and Haley's school. Unlike some people, I did not volunteer to run any of the various booths, as I am a crappy school supporter. We weren't even going to go, because Saturday morning we did the Army-dillo 10K and then in the early afternoon the girls had a skating birthday party. By late afternoon I was completely beat down and all I wanted to do was sit in the recliner and watch some old tivoed episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Ashlyn and Haley wanted to go to the Fall Festival solely for the Haunted House. That is the only reason they wanted to go. "Please," they whined all afternoon, "we want to go to a Haunted House!" So Scott was going to take them over there right quick and then they whined because they wanted everyone to go. We ended up getting in the car and taking them and their excitement was practically palpable.
We got to the Festival and got in line for the Haunted House, which was by far attracting the most attention (if you don't count the Cake Walk, where I saw two mothers fighting over line position-I'm telling you, it was dog eat dog over at the Cake Walk), while Scott bought $10 worth of Festival tickets.
And I wish I could put what happened next into words. I really really do. I wish there was somehow a video of it actually, because words could never, ever do it justice. The Haunted House was being run by some of Scott's soldier's, otherwise known as The Army Finest. (right) Well, they did an excellent job. The kids were scared out of their minds. And we took in three more with us, two girls from Ashlyn's class and one boy from Haley's class. We got in the door before it started and Ashlyn hyperventilated. I'm not lying. I had to put my hand over her mouth. She dug in for all she was worth and lost her mind. So Haley started crying. So Owen started backing up. So Scott got mad. Surprise.
The leader person took us through, and it was all full of strobe lights and loud screams and scary music and sounds. The little girl in the front had her head down the entire time, covering her eyes. The boy from Haley's class seemed to do okay, but I think he was in some kind of shock. I was next holding Skylar and dragging Ashlyn. And I mean dragging her. She was completely out of her freakin mind with terror. She was letting out short screams about every second that would have shattered glass had there been any around. Scott was shoving her from the back. The other girl was plastered to my back with her head buried in my shirt squeezing the life out of me. Scott was carrying Haley, who didn't look the entire time, and also Owen, who occasionally yelled out but spent the majority of the 3 minutes we were inside trying to climb up onto the top of Scott's head.
I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants. I really did. And I've had four kids so I guess it's some miracle I didn't. But you guys, it was the funniest thing I've ever done to my kids. They are without a doubt scarred for life.
And then there was the end. The end was the best part. They had the doorway all blocked off with a tunned going out the bottom middle and the kids had to crawl through the tunnel to get out. The kids were all so terrified they were fighting over who was going to get in the tunnel first and there was a mad rush for the tunnel and lots of pushing and shoving and right then some soldier dressed up like a monster came sliding in through the tunnel from the outside screaming some hideous, hideous monster scream and he popped up to his feet and acted like he was going to grab them and right then all 7 kids we had with us shit their pants. And it was priceless. And more than anything I never ever ever want to forget it.
But, as you can see, they recovered as soon as we assured them they wouldn't have to go back in (although I was ALL FOR IT) and then I swear they stood there and talked about how it "wasn't that bad." There was a photo booth set up and I didn't have my camera but for four festival tickets they would take one and print it out for you. Here's ours.
Last night we did the Trunk or Treat thing up at the company. We did Scooby Doo this year, and everyone wore their costumes the entire night. Owen also won Best Costume in the '3 and under' division, though I would have totally given it to the baby with the long sleeved white sleeper on whose mother had taken black electrical tape and taped rings around him and made him into a tiny baby inmate. Scooby Doo did not participate in the Best Costume competition as she was too busy shoving candy into her face in the back of the car.

Have you ever

Have you ever had one of those days where everywhere you went you were embarrassed by what your children were doing? Where the last thing you said before you entered the store was "Now don't go in here and act like a bunch of idiots!" and you didn't even get the baby in the buggy before the other three start acting like idiots?

And they only got louder? And you said "Shhh!" and they didn't? And you said "Stop it!" and they didn't? And you threatened them with bodily harm if they didn't quit and they still didn't?

And then you were standing there in front of the checkout lady and you were so mad you couldn't see straight and they were all asking for candy and you said "NO! Did anybody even listen to me before we came in? What was the LAST thing I said before we came in the store?"

And one of your smartass kids says "You said 'Gosh, I hope the Class 6 has Tequila!'"

Have you ever had that happen to you? Or is it just me?

Friday's Feast, 26 October 2007

Appetizer
Name a great website you would recommend to others.
www.mightygoods.com

Soup
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 as highest), how often do you dream at night?
7

Salad
Did you have a pet as a child? If so, what kind and what was its name?
Yes, I had a cat. Her name was Fred.

Main Course
If you had the chance to star in a commercial, what would you choose to advertise?
Birth Control. They could just film anywhere inside my house at any given time on any given day for 30 seconds. I'd set it up to get a percent of the sales and I'd make a freakin fortune.

Dessert
What is your favorite kind of hard candy?
cinnamon discs

Copy cat

"Did you just use the word 'freakin'?"

"Yeah."

"You shouldn't say that word.  Why would you say that word?"

"Well...you say it."

"If I jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?"

"Why on earth would you jump off a bridge?"

The Sandwich Question

There have been a few people who have questioned the type of sandwich I sent to school with Haley that would fit in a liquor store brown paper bag.  No, it was not a sub.  It was a peanut butter and banana sandwich.  I put the peanut butter inside a hot dog bun and put the entire banana in the bag along with it.  Then, Haley peels the banana and sticks it in the hot dog bun and ta-da! she's got a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

I know, I know.  Pure freakin genius.    

Charge card

"Haley, there's a note in your folder that says you have cafeteria charges totaling $1.95."

"Okay."

"No.  Not okay.  Don't you take your lunch?"

"Yes."

"Every day?  Don't you take your lunch every day?"

"Yes."

"Well then how do you owe the cafeteria money?  What are you doing?  You're not doing anything like charging ice cream are you?"

"Hey!  Do you think they would really let me charge ice cream?"

Parent of the Year

No, this post is not about me and my awesome, amazing parenting skills.  This is about what I saw while I was parked in my car waiting for Ashlyn to come out of the building after school today.  

The road where the kids are let out is extremely unsafe.  There are cars parked along both sides and then there are the cars actually driving on the road.  There are two crosswalks, one across from the door on Haley's classroom building and one across from the door on Ashlyn's classroom building.  I was parked on the side of the road opposite the school.  There were two cars parked in front of me, and along came a lady and parked in front of them.  

The lady got out of her car and jaywalked across the street to wait in the grass outside the building.  I was looking through the mail, which I routinely pick up on my way get the girls each day.  I looked up and saw a kid standing along side the cars, but he looked like he was going towards the cars so I didn't think much about it.  He looked like he was about 4 years old.  A car that had picked up a kid passed by and stopped suddenly and I looked up when I heard the squealed tires and saw the same kid kind of dancing around in the traffic lane.  Then I looked over and saw the woman who had earlier crossed the street.  She didn't walk back towards the kid, she just cupped her hands around her mouth and hollered (I had my window down) "I said STAY IN THE CAR!  Get back IN THE CAR!"  And the kid got back in the car.  

Now I was probably about 15 yards away from this kid and I was freaked out.  Here was a 4 year old in the middle of the street.  And when you pick up your kids they are usually all excited about their day and they are pulling everything out of their backpack screaming Look at this!  Look at this!, and a lot of people might not be paying really close attention to the road, especially after you get past the second crosswalk, which is where I was parked, because you really don't expect anyone to be in the middle of the road that far down.  The woman, who I'm assuming was his mother, was probably about 25 yards away from him and she didn't even take one step towards him.  She yelled for him to get back in the car and then she turned away and back to the building to see if any kids had come out yet.  

So I sat and waited, because I live with a 3 1/2 year old boy, and I knew full well what was coming.  And it did.  He got back out of the car and back in the street.  He ran across the street from the car to the parked cars along the other side, meaning he crossed two lanes of traffic.  Then he ran back to the car.  At this point I started to get out of the car and get him but I couldn't because another car was coming by.  I wanted to scream I was so scared!  The boy made it back across to the middle of the road and the driver of the car on the road just layed on the horn.  The mother turned around and hollered again for the boy to get back in the car, and he started back but then I guess the car made him nervous so he turned to go to his mother and she yelled (she had still not moved toward him) "NO!  GET BACK IN THE CAR!"  And the kid is so freaked out he sits down in the middle of the road.  Right on the double yellow line.  I don't know about you, but I'm guessing that if it's hard to see a 4 year old with all the cars around it's even harder to see him when he's sitting down.  

Well, by now I was pissed off and I opened my door and started to get out, as did the driver of the car who had honked.  What happened next was even worse in my mind.  This got the woman moving and she went back and grabbed him and yanked him up to his feet.  She drug him to the side of the road and then in front of all of us she got in his face with her finger (and he's crying) and she's yelling like super meanly, and then she just beats the tar out of him.  It was just so unfair.  So terribly unfair.  I know kids of certain ages are responsible for their own actions and all that, but come on!  This kid was not responsible.  What gets me is WHY she didn't allow the kid to get out with her in the first place.  What harm would have come from that?  Why on earth did she think leaving him in the car was better?  He could have held her hand and then played on the sidewalk inside the fence if she'd let him get out.  But leaving him like that he could have been run over and killed.   And where does she get off beating him for that?

I am not one to ever tell anyone how to raise their kids.  I don't dispense parenting advice.  Want help getting pregnant?  I'm your girl.  I've got that mastered.  I'm awesome at that.  All the other stuff is not my business.  But I really really wanted to slap that lady right across her face.  Someone needs to.  There will come a time I'm afraid where she won't be as lucky as she was today.

Voices

I believe in ghosts.  I know lots of people don't (Scott included), and it probably goes against my beliefs as a christian, but I do.  

I've seen a ghost in my house.  I'm not saying I was standing there and a ghost was standing in front of me, looking at me, but it's more of a fleeting glance of someone.  Once I was sitting on my bed watching tv while I was putting on my shoes.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw a little girl about Haley's age come to the end of the hallway by the kids' bedrooms.  She stood there a second and then turned and went back.  It seemed odd to me so I went to see what she was doing.  Only she wasn't there.  She was in the den on the other side of the house.  I was standing there sure I saw someone and trying to figure out why I thouht it was odd and it hit me-the little girl had on a long brownish coat.  I saw what she was wearing.  I don't think she was see-thru or anything, but I know she had medium length dirty blonde hair and she was wearing a long brown coat.  

Then yesterday.  Yesterday Scott took Haley and Owen to Abbot's Grocery to buy some hot dogs.  Ashlyn and I stayed here with Skylar, as we refuse to eat hot dogs, touch hot dogs, cook hot dogs, or buy hot dogs.  Ashlyn was making a sandwich and I was drinking a glass of milk and Piggy was in the highchair shoving a baby cereal bar into her mouth like she was in some sort of contest.  And there it was, clear as day.  A word.  "Ashlyn!"  Just as plain as if I'd said it, only I didn't say it.  I looked at Ashlyn and she was standing there, the peanut butter filled spoon hovering over her bread, and I said "Did someone just say your name?"  and she said "Oh my gosh, did you hear it too?  Who could have said it?"  It was a girls voice, a lot like Haley's or someone her age.  But it didn't sound exactly like Haley's voice.  It sounded like someone was outside the window (the blinds were closed) with there hands cupped around their mouth saying it through the glass.  Scott said we were crazy.  But what in the world was it?

And Ashlyn is not an easy word to say.  We found this out when Haley spent the first two years of her life calling her "Assy" and Owen still says "Ashen".  It's also hard to think it was another sound because what makes a sound that sounds just like the word Ashlyn?  I swear, it was "Ashlyn", clear as a freakin bell.  

So I have a little girl with dirty blonde hair walking around.  I may have seen her once or twice more, but it wasn't as clearly as that one time, an now I have someone I can't see talking.  Or maybe I could have seen her if I'd been looking in the right direction.  Hmmm.  I really hope this works out and I see more of them, because it's very interesting to me.  Why are they here in my house?  And what are they trying to tell Ashlyn? 

Friday's Feast, 19 October 2007

Appetizer
If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?
Whatever breed Jake is, because that dog has got it made!

Soup
What does the color purple make you think of?
Barney.  I hate Barney.  It was the first thing that came to my mind.

Salad
Approximately how long does it take you to get ready each morning?
45 minutes.  Of course that's assuming Skylar is sleeping and not climbing up my leg or getting under the bathroom sink to play with the feminine hygiene products and Owen is at preschool and not in dire need of someone to wipe his butt or get him some chocolate milk or cook him another waffle.

Main Course
How many cousins do you have, and are you close to them?
I have 10 cousins. If you count their wives I have 12. I'm close to some of them.  Some of them think I'm crazy and pretend they don't know me.

Dessert
Take your initials (first, middle, last) and come up with something else those letters could stand for. (Example: SFO = Sweet Funny Otter
JLS-Jennifer Loves Scott.  I totally planned that.   

Skylar's many faces

Field Trips

Today Owen is going on his very first field trip with his preschool class.  And of all the places they could possibly go, The Powers That Be chose the Rec Camp, which is good because, let's face it, Owen is now 3 1/2 years old and it's high time he's introduced to the drinking and excessive get-a-room PDA that off-duty soldiers partake in out there.  At least all the money we are spending at that joint is getting him an education.

Haley is also on a field trip, but they are only going to the boring Pumpkin Patch.  Haley took $1.50 so she will be allowed to buy a small pumpkin, and that means that shortly after she gets in the car after school today (shortly meaning approximately 1.2 seconds) there will be loud fighting and crying because other people in the car will want to touch and hold her pumpkin, which means Haley will not be touching or holding her pumpkin, which will lead her to believe that certain other people may think her pumpkin belongs to them, and on and on and then finally all hell will break loose and I'll have to take away the pumpkin.  And everyone will sulk and I will feel all deja-vu-ish, because this happened last year, and last year I said Okay, there will be no more money for pumpkins at the pumpkin patch, and I will have no one to blame for all this except Scott, who gave Haley the $1.50.   

Haley also needed to pack her lunch in a disposable container today, as it is too much to ask for children to keep up with lunchboxes on field trips.  Luckily I had a paper bag from my last trip to the liquor store for her to use.  It's just one more purpose that heavy drinking serves.  

I give in

Okay, yeah, I'm doing that walking thing.

More than ready

There is a gecko under the couch in the living room the size of a small cat, Scott's at work still, and I don't know what to do about it.

Last week we killed a scorpion in my bedroom with a 3 inch tail.  It was the color of honey.  And the lighter in color they are the more poisonous they are.

Ready to move?  Honey, I was born ready to move.

The walking thing

This past weekend we bought Haley a new bike, because her other bike was Ashlyn's old bike that Pops bought in 2004 right after we moved back home during Scott's deployment to Afghanistan. Needless to say, that bike had seen much, much better days and it was time to retire her. We went to WalMart, which is a great place to buy bikes, because they are inexpensive there and you don't feel badly about when people leave them out in the rain to rust or behind your car for you to run over. Haley picked out an obnoxious 20" purple one with streamers and all other kinds of crap hanging off of it.

Sunday we went out to the KOA campground because they have a two mile loop and we thought it would be fun to let the kids ride while we walked with Skylar in the stroller. So out there you have little hill, little hill, small hill, gigantic hill, little hill, small hill, flat ground. Ashlyn got her bike out of the back of Scott's truck, rode it 3 feet, fell off, and was bleeding all over the place. Haley was doing fine until we got to the part of the trail that looks out over the water and she got to looking off the the side, kind of mesmerized by the sun shining off the surface, and she drove right off the side of the road and fell off and promptly started bleeding all over the place too. Owen rode about 1/10 of a mile and then got to the first little hill and decided he couldn't do it. Scott got a bungy cord and tied it to the front of the bike and pulled him up the hills, and let me tell you, this took a looong time.

Sunday night Scott went to Academy and bought this. Now they can all ride their bikes fast while Skylar and I walk and enjoy a quiet commune with nature. So we went Monday, because Scott was off work due to Columbus Day. Then Tuesday after Owen went to preschool Skylar and I went again, and on Thursday we went again. Plus we walked to school Monday to pick up the girls and we walked a couple of evenings this week. All total I have walked somewhere between 11 and 12 miles since Sunday.

Amy has come up with this hairbrained plan, and she wants me to join in. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I am not joining up! I'm already sure I'm going to have to scale back a little on this walking thing because I suffer from something called nasatal, and the more walking I do the more it aggravates my condition. Already after just this week I can tell a difference, and I've lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks, all from the region of my ass. Not good.

Quick update:
1. We still do not have an answer to the "Where are you moving to in June?" question.
2. The house across the street is still for sale.

Sports

Yes, I watch sports. Lots of sports. I do this for two reasons. One, I like to spend time with my husband, and he spends a lot, a lot, of time watching sports. And two? That would be Grady Sizemore. He is my reason. How cute is he? I am his biggest fan...Grady! Call me! We have a big tv in the den and my oh my does Grady look good in HD. I'm so glad the Indians beat the Yankees. I know DJ is going to kill me, but I hate the Yankees. And I wouldn't say I'm a huge Cleveland fan or anything, but Cleveland has Grady.... *sigh*

Another one of my favorites is Tony Romo. I sat up last night watching Dallas play Buffalo and I was physically sick from nerves at the end of that game. Does Tony give good interviews or what? He's so likable. It almost makes you forget he muffed the snap on the kick that would have gotten them into the playoffs last year. Well, almost. Well, not really, but where some people would have dug a hole and climbed in and never climbed out here Tony's come back and now the Cowboys are 5-0. Granted he sucked it up in the first half last night, but the end? The end was great. Then he gets on tv and is just adorable in the interview. And what about that little kicker Nick Folk? I felt so bad for him when they made him kick the ball over. I really thought he would miss it, but nope, he nailed it again. Smooth. Like buttah.

Oh, and if you never watch ESPN you should watch just so you can see that new commercial with Tony in it with Scott Van Pelt. If you don't like sports, watch it for the commercials. They are freakin hilarious. Like this one. And Brett. Brett Favre. You should watch sports because of him. *sigh*

So maybe I'll do this again for a while...

Friday's Feast-05 October, 2007

Appetizer
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you look forward to your birthday?
5-I really don't care

Soup
What is one word you don’t like the sound, spelling, or meaning of?
taliban

Salad
Do you wear sunglasses when you’re outside? If so, what does your current pair look like?
Yes, I wear sunglasses even on cloudy days. It helps you not squint, which you do even when it is cloudy (because it's still bright sometimes). I'm sure I'm wrong, but somehow I feel this will help me not develop such bad wrinkles around my eyes. My current pair have brownish lenses and metal frames with a little metal flower on one side. I think they are made by Mudd.

Main Course
If you were to write a book, to whom would you dedicate it?
That would depend totally on what the book was about.

Dessert
Name a beverage that you enjoy.
I think we all know my answer to this.

Show me the money

Two weeks ago Scott signed a piece of paper and sent it to The Powers That Be saying that he promised he would stay in the Army for another three years. There's apparently a thing where all sorts of Captains are getting out leaving The Powers That Be in a very bad way so they decided to offer some incentives in return for a three year promise. Yesterday, in response to that signed piece of paper, The Powers That Be deposited an ridiculous amount of money into my checking account. And by ridiculous I mean when you go to the ATM to get $50 out to pay the tree trimmer guys who can't take checks because then they would have to claim it as income on their taxes you glance at the balance in your account and have a heart attack right there in front of the BX and fall down and passerbys say "Look how ridiculous she looks, laying on the ground with all those kids running around in the road."

I swear, I have not seen an amount of money that large up close since the time Mr. Claims To Be So Broke He Can't Pay Attention wrote a personal check for my mother's Lexus. So I paid off my car and put the rest in savings. Then I realized that I hadn't taken into consideration that my car payment from this month is automatically sent on the 2nd and it hadn't gotten there yet so I really overpaid the car loan people, and now we will have to wait for them to send the extra money back to us. They are also sending us the title for the car. And I'm going to lose it, as sure as God is my witness, I am going to lose that piece of paper. So I will probably put it with all the Important Papers. Papers you don't want to lose. You know, things like marriage licences, life insurance policies, birth certificates, etc., that we have here in the house. I will put the title with them. Just as soon as I find them.

I was right to worry

Plumber Buddy showed up Monday evening as promised, but that was about the best thing you could say about his visit to our house. From the moment he walked into the bathroom he mumbled on and on and how Skip Town Plumber had done everything wrong and it wasn't going to work and oh, what were we going to do. I called Contractor Jon and he told me not to worry, that Plumber Buddy could fix anything, and it wasn't really bad until he started cussing. Which he did. Exactly at that moment. Loudly. Contractor Jon talked to Plumber Buddy and calmed him down somewhat, and the next thing I knew Plumber Buddy had a screwdriver and a hammer and was chipping the brand new tile off the wall.

That exposed the pipes, and there was more mumbling and cussing, and at that time Scott got home, and the talk turned to what was and was not an appropriate way to put together pipes. Plumber Buddy then tried to solder something and the pipe broke, split right in half, and the water wasn't turned off, so water was shooting everywhere, including inside the wall, which was the problem in the first place--the inside of the wall behind the tile was wet and growing mold. So I'm freaking out, because now we're right back where we started and Plumber Buddy is running around in the front yard trying to turn off the water and then I decided I was better off to just go to my happy place.

Plumber Buddy got everything fixed, and yesterday the tilers came back and today they are coming back to grout the tile and then after the grout sets up the shower should actually be available for use. And I believe that. Right. Totally.

The journey to Owen

Saturday night Owen spent the night with Austin and Matthew Ludwigsen and Hayley Ludwigsen spent the night at our house. Which might be considered a good trade-off except for the fact that the boys played outside all day at the Ludwigsen's house while the girls played inside all day here, squealing and giggling and singing and dancing and making us watch it all. Good trade? Humph!

Sunday Eric Ludwigsen called to let us know that he was taking the boys fishing on the Concho River downtown. We ran some errands and then tried to find them. I talked to Eric on the phone, which was the first mistake we made, because that was like the blind leading the blind. He said "museum" which I took to mean "visitor's center" and it turned out both of us were wrong. We parked at the visitor's center and walked in the direction away from Chadbourne (Rd or whatever) because Eric said they were in the direction away from Chadbourne.

All you geniuses out there probably realize that if two people start out on opposite sides of a road and you both walk away from Chadbourne then you are walking away from each other. Well, where the heck were you last night with all your directional wisdom? Remember, I am kinned to my mother, who once left Atlanta and realized she'd missed the exit to Rome only when she got to the Welcome to Tennessee sign.

So we walked all the way one way, until Scott decided we were going the wrong way and we turned around and walked all the way back until we were at Chadbourne. Then Scott called Eric and figured out where he was (since he's like a Land-Nav God or something) and shortly after that we found them. Owen was barefoot, since "both his feet fell in the river", but he was having a blast anyway. Then we had to walk back to the car while Eric rode in his air-conditioned truck along side us on the road, yelling out football scores and "racing" us.

And we must have walked for miles. Miles and miles and it was so hot and I asked Scott how far we'd come and he said probably about a mile, which must have been wrong because, trust me, we walked for miles. But really, we had a nice time on the walk. If you don't count all the walking.