Today I realized that I'm not the yoga type.
I can do it, all the poses and the balancing and the stretching and even the backbend. But I get absolutely nothing out of it. I'm not sweating and my heart rate doesn't increase. And I can't get all "centered" because I'm too busy thinking about how stupid it is.
So there were about 6 people total in the class. One of them was a guy, Dave. Dave got there about the same time as us and he filled us in on what a great class it was and how much he gained from doing it and boy, we would just love it.
Dave is an extremely heavy breather. What I don't understand is how you do a lunge to the side, you inhale and bring your arms in, palms up (I think) and then you breathe out and push your arms away from you body and Dave is breathing like a horse that just ran the freakin Derby. The teacher is talking about peacefulness and all you hear is BREATHING! BREATHING! Why does doing a lunge cause you to breathe like that?
The tai chi part is exactly like doing karate in super slow motion. And if that sounds dumb then you should actually see it in action. You don't have to even wonder if you look stupid doing the moves because they have a mirror right in front of you and you can see very clearly that yes, you sure as shit look like a complete idiot. The entire class I put most of my effort into NOT LOOKING AT AMY because I knew if I did I'd bust out laughing and totally kill the mood in the room.
At the end of the class they tell you to lie down on your mat and stretch out and "just sink down into your mat and find your inner calm." Then they whisper sweet nothings over the microphone about peace and harmony. This part lasts for seven minutes. And I didn't relax. I was lying on a wooden floor on a rubber mat that was about 1/8 inch thick. You cannot sink into a wooden floor. And another thing? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I COULD BE GETTING DONE IN THESE SEVEN MINUTES? I can get so much done in seven minutes it would make your fool head spin. And you want me to just lie here on the floor and be quiet and zen? Are you kidding? With all the BREATHING! BREATHING!? And the whispering? Seriously, is this a joke? Because I don't get it.
I tried to think back and I believe that the last time I was still and relatively calm for seven minutes was right after they said "Congratulations, your tubal ligation was a complete success!" But now I'm supposed to find my inner calm? I live with 4 small people who could tear up a steel ball. Four small people who have spent such a large amount of time (collectively) at various emergency rooms around the country that we were nearly denied for life insurance. Calm? THERE IS NO SUCH THING.
1 comment:
I was thinking the same thing. I could do laundry, dishes, all kinds of things in 7 minutes. I was lying there thinking that I like my new shoes (I could see them). Then I was thinking "Don't look at Jennifer because we'll both start laughing." Then I was thinking that I would have to find a way to work out because in one hour of body flow I didn't break a sweat or increase my heart rate at all. That guy Dave was too weird and I didn't want to be too close to him. The entire experience was strange! No more body flow for us!!
Post a Comment