If Scott calls and says he's on his way home and it seems to take two minutes longer than usual I'm absolutely sure he's been in a terrible car wreck. If the school's name shows up on the caller ID I'm certain someone has either broken a bone or there's been some shooting incident. There are others, like the problem I have with the broil function on the stove, as one time I was using it and the food spontaneously burst into flames inside the oven and I freaked out. Oh, and don't think for a minute I would ever buy a potted plant from WalMart because did you see the story a few years ago about the man who bought his wife a potted plant from WalMart and she was watering it and there was a snake in it and it bit her and SHE DIED? The list goes on and on. I worry. It's what I do.
Then there are things I'm actually afraid of, like hot dogs. And also Scott when he's grilling because when he starts out he builds what can only be described as a raging bonfire with his little pieces of charcoal and it's very windy here and My God You are going to burn down the damn house with that!
Tonight as I was getting ready for bed I went in the bathroom and raised the potty lid. Do you actually look closely in the potty before you use it? I mean, of course there's the quick glance just to make sure the person before you flushed, because not everyone who lives in this house feels that is something they need to do on a regular basis (I'M TALKING ABOUT ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE), but I'm talking about looking closely. For anything terrifying.
So Skylar was in there with me of course and I was hurrying because given even two seconds she can toss an alarming amount of stuff into the bowl and I swear I was turning around to drop my pants and I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Just a little flash of something. And do you know what? There was a HUGELY GIGANTIC ROACH on the underside of the seat. That I was just about to sit on. The flash I saw was its two inch antennae poking out just a little.
The first thing I did was teach Skylar two new words to add to her ever expanding vocabulary. Then the roach made a fatal mistake and moved to the inside of the bowl and in a burst of genius I flushed. Skylar and I watched it spin around and get sucked away.
Then I decided that I didn't really need to pee. EVER AGAIN.
1 comment:
My irrational fear is bridges. For some reason I have a panic attack when we cross one that is more than 50 yards long. I have to roll down the window because if the bridge falls, by god I am getting out of the car. Jim and Haley think it is hilarious and will talk about bridges just to make me nervous. I sometimes wonder why I don't throw them off of a bridge.
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