The Tattle Book

I have instituted a Tattle Book here at the house to help alleviate all the listening to whining I have to do.  I got the idea from Jenny, who was having a hard time talking to me on the phone because I kept having to interrupt her to say "I don't care what (so-and-so) did!" and "If you are not bleeding then I don't want to hear about it!"  And she's all What you need is a Tattle Book and she proceeds to tell me how wonderful this little book will make my life.

Today we were at the Dollar Store (one of my favorite places ever) and I picked up a notebook, came home and explained the Tattle Book Rules to Ashlyn, Haley and Owen:  

1. The Tattle Book here is designed to be a place to vent your frustrations about your siblings without bringing them all to Mama and killing her buzz.

2. You can write about whatever you want to write about in The Tattle Book without fear of retribution from me.  Probably because I'm never going to bother reading it.

3. You cannot confront someone for writing about you in The Tattle Book.  If you have a problem with something in The Tattle Book, write about it in The Tattle Book.

4. If you cannot spell a word do the best you can, don't ask me how to spell it.  I'll figure it out.  If you have no idea at all, draw a picture.

5. If Owen wants to write about Ashlyn, Haley must help him.  If he wants to write about Haley, Ashlyn must help him.

We have had The Tattle Book for two hours now.  No one here has talked to me for two hours.  The Tattle Book has three full pages of crap written in it, including:

1. Owen called me a butt.  --Ashlyn

2. Ashlyn called me a punk.  --Owen

3. Owen threw a stick at your car.  --Haley

4. Owen said a bad word.  He said stupid.  --Haley

5. Haley pushed me and then I twisted my knee.  --Ashlyn

6. Haley wouldn't help me get the hamper with all the dirty clothes upstairs.  --Ashlyn

7. I did not want to help Ashlyn and then she started to cry like a baby.  --Haley

8. Ashlyn hurt my feelings.  --Haley

9. Haley pushed me down and I was carrying something for Ashlyn and she almost made me spill it.  --Owen

10. Owen said I was fat.  --Haley

11.  I wish Frosty would die because then we could get another dog like Heidi.  I like Heidi.  I do not like Frosty.  His poop stinks.  --Owen

Let's think about how much time all these silly problems would have taken away from my drinking.  The Tattle Book is a wonderful, glorious addition to our house.  I'm delirious with happiness.  Well, either that or I'm drunk. 

Now if only The Tattle Book would do something about ALL THE CRYING CRYING CRYING Skylar does ALL THE TIME NONSTOP WHENEVER SHE IS AWAKE WITHOUT FAIL then I might just marry it.