Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a stupid, stupid mommy who decided that because her 22 month old was an exceptionally advanced little girl who peed and pooped on the potty (sometimes), had a vocabulary that blew the pediatrician's mind, and was mentally able to follow and/or participate in a conversation on CSPAN, it was time to take away the pacifier.

And then they all died.

The end. 

WHEN WILL IT END?

Now I'm actually being called out about these things...

Type only 1 word.  It's harder than you think!!!

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your significant other? distant
3. Your hair? up
4. Your mother? short
5. Your father? tall
6. Your favorite thing? sleep
7. Your dream last night? absent
8. Your favorite drink? chai
9. Your dream/goal? togetherness
10. Room you're in? den
11. Your fear? childless
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? europe
13. Where were you last night? practice
14. What you're not? fake 
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? alias
17. Where you grew up? rome
18. The last thing you did? posted
19. What are you wearing? jeans
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pet? overweight
22. Your computer? mac 
23. Your life? busy
24. Missing someone? duh
25. Your mood? nervous
26. Your car? green
27. Something you're not wearing? hat
28. Favorite Store? target
29. Your summer? distant
30. Your favorite color? blue
31. When is the last time you laughed? earlier
32. Last time you cried? September
33. Who will/would re-post this? APRIL

I'm skipping the "name four" part because I already did that.

HO HO HO

I'm just going to tell myself you send these to me because you care.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper, because it's stimulates my brain to come up with excuses as to how Santa uses the exact same paper I was using the other day, and oh by the way what happened to all that you had leftover?

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. Sadly, with Frosty deceased this year we won't even have anybody pee on it. I'm crossing my fingers that Heidi comes through for me.

3. When do you put up the tree? Actually, April has hers up now, so I'm obviously a little behind. Oh, and it's been up for two weeks. Um, I'll say shortly after Thanksgiving. Probably Friday, but Jenny is trying to talk me into going shopping that day, in Atlanta no less, but after last year I'm still praying about that one.

4. When do you take the tree down? The week after Christmas. It's horribly depressing, but it makes me feel better about all the New Year's Eve drinking.

5. Do you like eggnog? I take my liquor straight, thanks.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? my basketball goal

7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad, because whenever he wants something he goes out and buys it, so that leaves nothing for anybody to get him.

8. Do you have a nativity scene? Yeah, and Haley sets it up however she wants, which is usually with baby Jesus in the middle and all the others in a circle around him.

9. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail them. I like to get mail.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I think all presents are fabulous.

11. Favorite Christmas Movie? Christmas Vacation

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas? whenever. there's no set time.

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I honestly don't think I ever have.

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My grandmother's apple pie

15. Lights on the tree? As many as it will hold

16. Favorite Christmas songs? O Holy Night, but Owen's got the "Jingle Bells, Rudolph Smells" song down pretty good

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay at home. Always.

18. Can you name all 9 of Santa's reindeers? Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner & Blitzen (I googled it)

19. Angel on the tree top or a star? A star. Because I'm all about cliche. You should see my tattoo.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas day. This is Scott's rule, not mine. But I'm also the one who'll tell you what's in it while you are opening it.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Black Friday shoppers/shopping

22. Favorite ornament theme or color? My tree is filled with ornaments my kids have made. I have a lot of kids. The tree may soon fall over from the sheer weight of all of them.

23. How did you spend last Christmas? With my kids, Scott and my parents and their dogs in Texas.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? I have a wishlist on Amazon. It's ridiculous, but you gotta believe, right?

She is SO not marrying him

This past Saturday was another one of those days that's all about Haley; she had cheerleading (I thought we were through with all that nonsense but she had to go and make all-stars) and then a birthday party.  It wasn't just any old birthday party though, it was Jax's birthday party, Jax being the love of her life and boyfriend of just over six weeks.  The day Haley brought home the invitation she wanted me to RSVP right there in the pick-up line, but I managed to hold off for an hour.  To tell you the truth I was a little bit concerned when I read the paper, because, as I've said, I'm not a big nature person per say and the "where" part of the invite read "In the pasture beside our house."  So I called, and said Haley wouldn't miss it for the world AND the moon, and proceeded to become even more nervous about the whole situation when his mother asked if Haley was allergic to bees, grass or poison ivy/oak.  And my head was just swimming and all I could think of was "What kind of pasture is this exactly, because while Haley's fine around bees, grass and poison ivy/oak I'm pretty sure she's allergic to bulls running in her direction.  Because when I think of "pasture" I think of cows and the like.

And wouldn't you know it, after a week of very nice weather Saturday it was so freaking cold I had to warm up the car for half an hour before I could bring myself to sit on the leather.  We had gotten him a present at ToysRUs, one that took Haley about two hours to choose, after we looked at every single thing they sell in that store.  He had told Haley he wanted her to buy him something he "could throw at his younger brother."  I called my friend Sabrina, the tattooed detective, and asked her where the road was and she said "You're going where?  Why?"  But I was unfazed, by golly I'm taking Haley to this birthday party because this is the love of her life and her cat died and her Daddy's away for a while and we're going and we're going to LIKE IT.  

Oh.  My.  God.  

There is no way in hell I would have left my daughter there for any amount of time.  I'm not sure I would have went back to the car to get something and let her out of my sight.  And I texted Sabrina that I was scared and to come with her gun and she texted back that there were worse places in Floyd County.  Let me just say, if there are worse places I cannot even begin to imagine them.  I was and still am speechless.  I am also extremely proud of myself for staying and not just passing right by and going home.  

They did a scavenger hunt where they were supposed to walk around the yard/pasture (which did not contain any cows or bulls) and find things on the list.  They were not to leave the yard/pasture.  Now I'm not very good at guessing sizes, but if a normal house sits on a half acre lot then this pasture was roughly 5 acres big.  Please understand that these items were not placed in the yard for the scavenger hunt.  These were things that could be found in the yard on any given day.  

Among other things, the list included:

1. dead tree

2. creek bed

3. moss

4. mud

5. ponded area (is this like a pond?)

6. coon dogs 

7. 13 tractors (t-h-i-r-t-e-e-n tractors.  in the yard.  everyday.  13.)

8. little dump truck

9. big dump truck

10. run down house (I saw no houses that I would call "inhabitable"  I saw no houses at all.  All I saw was "pasture" and a shed)

11. radiators

12. plow

13. a potty (classy)

14. a blue van (non-working of course)

15. 3 wrecked cars

16. 2 race cars

17. bull dozer

18. 2 green cars (again, non-working)

19. bathtub

20. log truck

People.  Are you kidding me?  I mean, I've looked back over the last couple of weeks and I'm just wondering WHAT ON EARTH I did to deserve this.  What?  Do I need to do some charity work or something?  Is it not enough that I live with Skylar all day, every day? 

Among the better conversations I had:

Me:  So, that girl driving the Rhino that's pulling the trailer full of kids including my daughter that's circling the "pasture" over and over...how old is she?

Uncle of Jax:  That's my kid.  She's nine. 

Me:  You seem to have a lot of family.  Do y'all get together often?

Same Uncle:  Oh yeah, well we cook out about every other week or so...you know, whenever we all have our kids at the same time.

And oh my gosh it was so cold.  So I'm sitting by the bonfire trying to keep my chattering teeth from biting off my tongue listening to some lady, an aunt maybe, telling the story of her husband getting hit in the face by his ex-fiancee with a beer bottle and how he strangled her for doing that.  She hit him right in the face, right there, in the front, where that tooth is missing, she knocked that tooth right out.  And at that moment I flashed forward in my mind to the wedding, and their side of the church and my side of the church and I would have started crying right there but my tear ducts were frozen.  

I told Scott all about it, how I was extremely out of place, and I'm a person that can usually fit in just about anywhere.  And I was all "I was sitting there thinking about the wedding and Scott, there is just no way-" and he's all "Jennifer, come on, there's no way they would get married.  That's like, 15 years away.  We'll move three, four more times.  She'll forget all about him and never see him again."

Oh, it could happen.  Trust me.

Hello.  Have we met?  I'm Jennifer.  Let me tell you about how I have SHIT FOR LUCK.  

Shhh, it's a secret

Coming to a birthday party early December.

Why didn't I think of that?

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they all yours?''

Yep theyz all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.
' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.'

Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the
girls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL
named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all
comes a runnin'. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the
street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Geez

More tagging! One day these things will go out of style. Of course, I'll be dead by then.

Subject: Tell Me 44 ODD Things about yourself!

1. Do you like blue cheese? yes

2. Have you ever smoked?  yeah, but I was terrible at it and didn't even inhale (Amber Ware can vouch for this because she'll never let me forget it! Aerosmith rocks!!)

3. Do you own a gun? no, I do not personally have a gun registered in my name

4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? lemonade

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? yeah, because they make you get on the scale

6. What do you think of hot dogs?  you would have to pay me a lot of money, a LOT of money, to touch one. we won't even discuss what it would take for me to eat one

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Christmas Vacation

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? chocolate milk

9. Can you do pushups? Yes

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? my wedding rings

11. Favorite hobby?  sewing

12. Do you have A.D.D.? no

13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? I tend to be a tiny bit OC

14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: How long before they move out, How long before they will be asleep, will the jeans I just got at American Eagle for 8 bucks (oh YEAH) fit

15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? chocolate milk, water, venti non-fat caramel chai

16. Current worry? next weekend

17. Current hate right now? noise

18. Favorite place to be?  right now it's in the tanning bed, because that's the only place I can go in this entire world where it's quiet

19. How did you bring in the New Year? at home with Scott

20. Where would you like to go? anywhere I could be alone for a few minutes

21. Name three people who will complete this? all, my, friends 

22. Do you own slippers? no

23. What shirt are you wearing? purple tank top

24. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no

25. Can you whistle? not very well

26. Favorite color? blue

27. Would you be a pirate for Halloween? no

28. What songs do you sing in the shower?  I don't sing because I'm too busy trying to figure out who flushed the toilet

29. Favorite Girl's Name? right now I like Whitney

30. Favorite boy's name? right now it's Hunter

31. What's in your pocket right now? lint

32. Last thing that made you laugh out loud? a joke my dad told me at dinner
 
33. What vehicle do you drive? Ford Expedition

34. Worst injury you've ever had? knee surgery

35. Do you love where you live? no

36. How many TVs do you have in your house? 5, but it wouldn't matter if there were 105, they would still fight over what to watch

37. Who is your loudest friend? Sabrina

38. Do you have any pets? yes

39. Does someone have a crush on you? my husband

40. Your favorite book?  US Weekly

41. Do you collect anything? precious moments figurines

42. Favorite Sports Team? Georgia Bulldogs

43. What song do you want played at your funeral? I fell on my knees and cried Holy

44.  Do you generally live a happy life? I live my life in a drug induced haze, so yeah, I do.



The Challenge of Four!

A) Four places that I go to over and over:
1. Johnson Elementary School
2. Winthrop Academy
3. Club Fitness
4. Starbucks

B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly):
1. Scott
2. QVC
3. USAA
4. The people who want to help me make my penis larger

C) Four of my favorite places to eat:
1. Sante Fe
2. Las Palmas
3. Quiznos
4. Paul's Oyster Bar

D) Four places I would rather be right now:
1. At the gym
2. Getting a pedicure
3. With Scott
4. by myself

E) Four TV shows I watch:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Brothers and Sisters
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Dancing with the Stars

I'm tagging everybody I've ever met in my life. Let's have it.

The tagging thing

Apparently a while back I was tagged by Amy to answer some more of these silly questions people pass around in an attempt to get to know each other. What happened to the days of socializing in person? Anyway, I will answer them, because I'm really not all that busy here and I've got plenty of down time and no place to go.

The rules: (Dead Lord there are rules to this one. Not only are they getting old, they are getting bossy too.) Remove 1 question from the list below, and add your own personal question to make it a total of 20 questions. Tag 8 people, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. At what age do/did you (wish to) marry?
23, and that's how old i was, but you know, I'm a huge planner

2. What color do you like most?
blue, the color of Scott's eyes

3. If you can have a superpower, what would it be?
The ability to freeze time, like that guy on Heroes. There would be so many ways to mess with people if you could do that. Plus, I could freeze time and sleep more.

4. If you can travel anywhere in the world, where would you want to go?
I would go to some/any third world country and pose as an orphan. That way maybe Angelina would come adopt me.

5. Which part of you do you hate the most?
The fat part.

6. When you get sad, what do you do?
cry

7. What book are you reading now?
Thunder Run, by David Zucchino

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do with the money?
Pay off my debt and bring my husband home

9. What did you love the most about last year (2007)?
Living with Scott

10. How did you get your name?
I think it was a rule that if you had a baby girl in the year 1974 her name had to be Jennifer.

11. What is the moment you regret most?
Trading our Jeep Cherokee.

12. What type of person do you hate the most?
Fake people

13. What is your greatest asset?
My ability to be with my children all day and not commit murder.

14. If you had one wish, what would you wish for?
For Scott to be home for good.

15. How did you celebrate the New Year?
Table dancing. At home with Scott.

16. What tv show do you watch that you are embarrassed to tell people about?
I'm not embarrassed about any tv I watch.

17. It’s 2008. What are you looking forward to this year?
I'm looking forward to it being over.

18. Anything in your life that you wish weren’t so awful?
Ha Ha Ha-Blech.

19. What’s the shallowest thing you intend to do this year?
everything I do is shallow and solely for personal gain

20. I'm changing this from Amy's "McDreamy or McSteamy?" to:
When you turn off the lights, where does the light that's in the room go?

And I have no idea what a chat box is, so I'm tagging everybody from right here.

Sunset at the range

Great.  So I bought him a camera to take with him and he's gone all cheesy on me.

On the way to school this morning

Look kids!  Camels!

Kissin' pictures

I was putting these pictures on Facebook the other day (I didn't put them on here because obviously I like the facebook people better than you) and did you know people can leave photo comments on there?  And oh, do they like to be funny!  

This is a series of pictures Ashlyn took, that show a natural progression of events.  

Scott and me on the couch.  

I give Scott a kiss because I wub him a lot.

Scott gives me a kiss because he wubs me a lot.

Scott takes it too far.  This is totally normal for Scott.  He's always pushing his limits.

Then we kiss each other. 

Then it was over.  The end.  

Or, if you'd like you can believe Chris Pack, who wrote under my picture "And then there were FIVE kids!"

Hardy har har.  Keep it up Chris, and imma come at you like a spider monkey! 

Won't they be surprised

Monday is my parents' 35th wedding anniversary. According to the internet, the traditional gift is coral.  And I was stumped a little bit so I did some googling to find some recommended coral anniversary gifts and you know what?  The internet actually advises you to buy a salt water fish tank, fill it with lots of tropical fish and CORAL, and give it to the happy couple.  Now you should only do this of course if the couple are animal enthusiasts, and my parents have a dog, so I'm thinking that qualifies. 

I know they will love it to pieces, and if they don't then they will act like they do, because my husband is deployed to war and I am such a fragile flower these days that YOU SHOULD NOT HURT MY FEELINGS or you may get an ass-chewing like I gave to the cheerleading coach Saturday at the cheer expo, or one like I gave the dumbass customer service representative from AT&T wireless.  Dude, HOW MANY MONTHS do you need to get my cell phone bill right?  Because this is month 6, Kareem, AND IT'S STILL WRONG.

And you know what?  I'm using a lot of capital letters.  Maybe it's annoying, but GET OVER IT.  And also, I know there are people out there who have lived through all this before.  Oh, yeah, my husband was away for a while...oh yeah, my cell phone bill got messed up once...oh yeah, I typed one time in capital letters.  GAWD, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT.  I understand that everything in my life is old news to you, that you've lived through it all before and you know it all.  I get it that you wrote the book on EVERYTHING.  Good for you.  Now KISS IT.

p.s. how should I wrap up the fish tank? 

Frosty

Why did it have to be on my watch?

Sweet dreams, Frosty.

You were a good cat.  Well, not really, but Haley thought so, and that's all that matters.

GOD, CAN I PLEASE CATCH A BREAK?  

Happy Halloween 2008

Thank God it's over.  Really, that's all I want to say, however I know that will never satisfy the masses of people who care about what my kids dressed up as for Halloween.  Yeah, all five of you.

Skylar was going to be a cheerleader, because she has a cheerleader outfit that matches Haley's and she's so freakin' cute when she wears it.  Then we found this Aurora dress at WalMart and she decided she wasn't leaving without it.  She also wore this dress for 57 hours straight prior to going trick-0r-treating.  Honestly it could have walked around the neighborhood by itself.

Well, I have no explanation for this.  Scott bought it at TJMaxx one day before he deserted us. 

Ashlyn was going to be Mrs. Claus, but we had an argument over choice of fabric, and finally I gave in and let her have her way, basically because it was Ashlyn and I like her best.  Then the whole project went to hell (I was right about the fabric) and she ended up being Superwoman.  

So since everybody else got a costume Haley cried and cried about having to be a cheerleader and wanted a new costume, any costume, it didn't matter what it was.  Because if somebody gets something new, Haley whines until she gets something...anything.  Haley's attitude is that the world revolves around Haley and only Haley, and everybody else is here to serve her in some capacity.  This is the same attitude that is causing my hair to turn gray.  This is also the same attitude that's going to get her ass kicked one day.  

Here are my kids with my brother's kids, Mary Kate the Mermaid and Claire the Chili Pepper.  

Here are all the kids with Grandma.  Why we put Grandma through this every year is beyond me.  

After having some soup and the most delicious cornbread I've ever had the pleasure of eating we went trick-or-treating in the richy rich neighborhood my parents live in.  It's got some hills, but let me tell you, it's also got top of the line candy.  It's also nice to watch my kids trample immaculate, well-manicured lawns that some illegal alien worked his ass off on for ten dollars.  But Heidi helped them out with a little fertilization, so I think we're even.

I don't have a picture of my costume, but I wore one of Scott's Tennessee t-shirts and went as a Loser.  HAHAHA!  Just kidding.  I wore a Georgia shirt.  Oh, not really and yes, I'm still a Georgia fan even though they got whipped yesterday.  Sometimes it happens to the best of us, right Phil Ful---well, nevermind.  Actually, Jenny and I wore regular clothes, and went as drunk people pretending to be sober.  I pulled it off.