2 things

1. Owen spilled a glass of water on the mac and it died. Don't worry, it was quick and painless. So when the mac died all my pictures went with it, only Firedog at Circuit City says for 99.99 they can save the hard drive. The new mac is currently set to be delivered on the 30th.

2. Went to the ER again tonight. I can't seem to stay away from that place for long. As a matter of fact, when I handed the lady my insurance card she glanced at it and handed it right back, saying "Oh, we already have your information on file!" Anyway, Skylar decided to try to do a swan dive off Pops' bed, and it might have been successful if that damn bedside table hadn't gotten in her way. FYI Chris and Jin: Head wounds bleed like a mutha!

Hypothetical question

So....

If I were to maybe let another dog hang out around the house, you know, because I'm lonely and bored since Scott's gone, what kind should it be?

Hypothetically speaking and all...

She clearly spends too much time with me

(coming from somewhere in the back of the van)

CRASH!!!

"What the hell was that?"

"MAMA!  Skylar said HELL!"

Why you won't see video of Haley's Christmas show

"Daddy, the video of Haley's class singing is really shaky, and that video camera has image stabilization on it."

"Yeah, the girl in front of me kept bending over and she had one of those tramp stamp tattoos. It kept throwing me off."

Feeding time

Tell the truth, CAN YOU STAND THE EXCITEMENT? CAN YOU HANG? IS IT TOO MUCH?
I'm beginning to see who "the life of the party" is in my marriage.
And it's not me.

Say it loud, say it proud

I'm going to say this, and I'm not the least bit embarrassed. 

THAT MINIVAN IS FREAKIN' AWESOME.

Seriously, everyone should go out and get themselves a minivan right now.  No matter how many kids you have, if you only have one kid, or even if you don't have any kids, the minivan is the vehicle for you.  Hell, minivans should be the only kind of car anybody makes anymore, they are that fabulous.  And I'm not pushing brands or anything, so get whichever one you want, but mine is pretty dang sweet, so if you're asking my opinion, get one like this.

And I don't care what anybody thinks about me driving a minivan.  Though I do feel I have a small degree of awesomeness, I'm not cool, I don't pretend to be cool, and I don't want to be cool (if it means giving up my minivan).  If anything, having a minivan has made me even more awesome, because it's awesomeness rubs off on my when I ride around in it.  And gas?  Oh my gosh, $27 filled it all the way up.  We won't even talk about what it cost to put gas in my Expedition.  

It all comes down to the fact that this van makes my life better, much like my beloved cell phone does.  It will make your life better too.  So go get one.  You'll thank me for it.       

Christmas Parade 2008

This year we were lucky enough to be able to attend the Rome Christmas Parade.  I have held off talking about it even though there were a few floats that I definitely needed to address on here, mainly to back up the fact that SHE IS NOT MARRYING HIM.  Now, after several weeks of heavy prayer, Jax is history.  Say it with me people, THANK YOU, JESUS.      

I would like to say that every church in Rome, GA (and there are about a million since this is the bible belt and all) had a float in the parade.  I took a picture of every one of them, but they all looked pretty much alike and not a single one was particularly remarkable so I won't bore you with them.  Also, just about every high school had a band participating, and I'm not posting pics of them either.  Everybody has seen a band before, so there's no point.  I'm just gonna pick a few of the more interesting ones and share those.

Firstly, I give you Brian and Claire, voted "Most Photogenic" at the Christmas Parade this year. 

These are a small group of pictures that prove that all you had to have in order to be allowed to participate in the parade is enough money to cover the entrance fee.

Cloggers!  They had cloggers in the parade.  Clogging is big time down here.  There was a guy in my high school, I think his name was Lamar, and every year in the talent show he would clog.  And even though everyone was like "I'd never be caught dead clogging" he would always get the biggest ovation because he was absolutely awesome at it.  One year he did a cartwheel off the stage and clogged up to the back of the auditorium and the crowd had to be held back to keep from mobbing him in the aisle, it was that exciting.  (and people actually wonder why I moved away from here)  Oh, and FYI, Amanda was a clogger for like, 12 years or something.  And she honestly believes she's coming over on Monday to sew.  We'll see about that.    

Look at the cute little cloggers!  Sometimes I feel like I missed out on certain things in my childhood.  Now is not one of those times.

I'm not going to say anything about this one.  I'm sure there is a lot to be said, but I just don't even want to address it.  

Do you recycle?  We do.  The green thing on the truck goes by the name Re-Re (really?  that's the best you could come up with?)  He came to Owen's school and terrified all the children and then he rode in the Christmas parade and terrified all the rest of the kids.  He bothers me a little.  I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but he makes me nervous.

Here's a picture of Santa, who Skylar refuses to have anything to do with.  I told Skylar that we were putting all her passy's in her stocking and Santa would take them and leave her presents and her actual words were "I don't give a rat's ass what he leaves me, that man is not taking my passy's."  And now she won't go near him and when we see him at the mall she hides her passy behind her back.  

And here are the pictures I wanted you to see the most.  See the lady driving the tractor?  She is Jax's mom.  Look how happy she looks, up there driving a tractor in the Christmas parade.  And look at the sign on the tractor.  She's a logger.  Good grief.    

Look at this one.  The little girl driving?  The same 9 year old who was driving the kids around at the birthday party.  Driving a jacked up power wheels in the Christmas parade.     

Oh, and here's the rest of the family.  See, they're waving right at me, because they recognize me from the birthday party.  We're tight like that now. 

I told all of you how bad it was, and nobody believed me.  You all want to laugh but you've got kids who are going to pull this same kind of shit one day and who's gonna be laughing then?  Huh?  ME! 

How do I always get myself into these situations? I'm lucky that way I guess. Like the time I took Haley to a birthday party in Texas and we were the only white people there and they played Jay-Z really loud and had a dance-off and Haley won.  It's mind-boggling.  Maybe for Christmas I'll get some Calgon.

Close only counts when you play with hand grenades

This morning Skylar and I were at the Floyd Hospital outpatient surgery center bright-eyed and bushy tailed at 6am so she could get tubes put in her ears and her adnoids taken out.  Skylar does not come out of anesthesia well, instead she comes out screaming and throwing punches in all directions.  That was fun!

As I carried Skylar, her blanket, her sippy cut, the diaper bag, my purse, and the pillow from the hospital bed (which Skylar was not leaving without no way no how) to the van I pushed the button on the remote, the door slid open immediately, and I was able to plop Skylar into her seat.  Then, with a light touch of the handle the door began sliding closed again, I jumped in the front seat, hit the butt warmer button and was ready to go with practically no physical effort on my part.  We got to the house, and before I got out I hit the button and the side door began to open.  By the time I got out and shut my door, Skylar's door was fully open and I was able to reach right in and get her.  Then, another light touch of the handle and the door finished closing while I was opening up the front door on the house.  You could get really fat driving a van like this, as you burn practically zero calories because you don't do anything.  

It was all rather nice.

If you don't count the part about it being a MINIVAN.  

Attention

Hell froze over today.

Happy Birthday Haley!

Happy Birthday!  Now you are 8 years old and legally able to ride in the front seat of the car.  Here, let's celebrate-have a giant rat!

This is Trixie, who Haley decided was the luckiest guinea pig at Petland today, because she's the one I bought.  Um, I bet that's not what Trixie is thinking.  Trixie is more than likely thinking  "What the hell?"

We are mostly sure that Trixie is a girl, because the girl at Petland picked her up, took a look and told me "Well, I guess it's a girl because I don't see any balls."  And I was too shocked at her wordage to be offended, kind of like yesterday, when Jenny used the word "sharted" to describe what had taken place in my house while I wasn't there.  

Trixie is a big hit here of course, and she hasn't peed on anybody (yet) and she hasn't bitten anybody (yet) and we only had one scare when Skylar squeezed her head and she made a noise that sounds a lot like the sound Heidi makes when you accidentally step on her foot.  Honestly, I give this thing 2 weeks, 3 tops.  And if she ever gets away from us it's all over but the crying, because I'm telling you what, this thing can scoot.  It took 20 minutes for me to catch her earlier and she was in a 10x15 cage.  

This might go down in history as the best birthday present ever in our house.  Well, until February anyway, when Ashlyn's rolls around....hint hint-it's gonna be big!  When Scott's away, I BUY ANIMALS.

Exactly

Making memories

(Not the best thing to hear coming from the living room)

"Look out, Skylar, FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!"

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a stupid, stupid mommy who decided that because her 22 month old was an exceptionally advanced little girl who peed and pooped on the potty (sometimes), had a vocabulary that blew the pediatrician's mind, and was mentally able to follow and/or participate in a conversation on CSPAN, it was time to take away the pacifier.

And then they all died.

The end. 

WHEN WILL IT END?

Now I'm actually being called out about these things...

Type only 1 word.  It's harder than you think!!!

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your significant other? distant
3. Your hair? up
4. Your mother? short
5. Your father? tall
6. Your favorite thing? sleep
7. Your dream last night? absent
8. Your favorite drink? chai
9. Your dream/goal? togetherness
10. Room you're in? den
11. Your fear? childless
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? europe
13. Where were you last night? practice
14. What you're not? fake 
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? alias
17. Where you grew up? rome
18. The last thing you did? posted
19. What are you wearing? jeans
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pet? overweight
22. Your computer? mac 
23. Your life? busy
24. Missing someone? duh
25. Your mood? nervous
26. Your car? green
27. Something you're not wearing? hat
28. Favorite Store? target
29. Your summer? distant
30. Your favorite color? blue
31. When is the last time you laughed? earlier
32. Last time you cried? September
33. Who will/would re-post this? APRIL

I'm skipping the "name four" part because I already did that.

HO HO HO

I'm just going to tell myself you send these to me because you care.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper, because it's stimulates my brain to come up with excuses as to how Santa uses the exact same paper I was using the other day, and oh by the way what happened to all that you had leftover?

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real. Sadly, with Frosty deceased this year we won't even have anybody pee on it. I'm crossing my fingers that Heidi comes through for me.

3. When do you put up the tree? Actually, April has hers up now, so I'm obviously a little behind. Oh, and it's been up for two weeks. Um, I'll say shortly after Thanksgiving. Probably Friday, but Jenny is trying to talk me into going shopping that day, in Atlanta no less, but after last year I'm still praying about that one.

4. When do you take the tree down? The week after Christmas. It's horribly depressing, but it makes me feel better about all the New Year's Eve drinking.

5. Do you like eggnog? I take my liquor straight, thanks.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? my basketball goal

7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad, because whenever he wants something he goes out and buys it, so that leaves nothing for anybody to get him.

8. Do you have a nativity scene? Yeah, and Haley sets it up however she wants, which is usually with baby Jesus in the middle and all the others in a circle around him.

9. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail them. I like to get mail.

10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I think all presents are fabulous.

11. Favorite Christmas Movie? Christmas Vacation

12. When do you start shopping for Christmas? whenever. there's no set time.

13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I honestly don't think I ever have.

14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My grandmother's apple pie

15. Lights on the tree? As many as it will hold

16. Favorite Christmas songs? O Holy Night, but Owen's got the "Jingle Bells, Rudolph Smells" song down pretty good

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay at home. Always.

18. Can you name all 9 of Santa's reindeers? Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner & Blitzen (I googled it)

19. Angel on the tree top or a star? A star. Because I'm all about cliche. You should see my tattoo.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas day. This is Scott's rule, not mine. But I'm also the one who'll tell you what's in it while you are opening it.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Black Friday shoppers/shopping

22. Favorite ornament theme or color? My tree is filled with ornaments my kids have made. I have a lot of kids. The tree may soon fall over from the sheer weight of all of them.

23. How did you spend last Christmas? With my kids, Scott and my parents and their dogs in Texas.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? I have a wishlist on Amazon. It's ridiculous, but you gotta believe, right?

She is SO not marrying him

This past Saturday was another one of those days that's all about Haley; she had cheerleading (I thought we were through with all that nonsense but she had to go and make all-stars) and then a birthday party.  It wasn't just any old birthday party though, it was Jax's birthday party, Jax being the love of her life and boyfriend of just over six weeks.  The day Haley brought home the invitation she wanted me to RSVP right there in the pick-up line, but I managed to hold off for an hour.  To tell you the truth I was a little bit concerned when I read the paper, because, as I've said, I'm not a big nature person per say and the "where" part of the invite read "In the pasture beside our house."  So I called, and said Haley wouldn't miss it for the world AND the moon, and proceeded to become even more nervous about the whole situation when his mother asked if Haley was allergic to bees, grass or poison ivy/oak.  And my head was just swimming and all I could think of was "What kind of pasture is this exactly, because while Haley's fine around bees, grass and poison ivy/oak I'm pretty sure she's allergic to bulls running in her direction.  Because when I think of "pasture" I think of cows and the like.

And wouldn't you know it, after a week of very nice weather Saturday it was so freaking cold I had to warm up the car for half an hour before I could bring myself to sit on the leather.  We had gotten him a present at ToysRUs, one that took Haley about two hours to choose, after we looked at every single thing they sell in that store.  He had told Haley he wanted her to buy him something he "could throw at his younger brother."  I called my friend Sabrina, the tattooed detective, and asked her where the road was and she said "You're going where?  Why?"  But I was unfazed, by golly I'm taking Haley to this birthday party because this is the love of her life and her cat died and her Daddy's away for a while and we're going and we're going to LIKE IT.  

Oh.  My.  God.  

There is no way in hell I would have left my daughter there for any amount of time.  I'm not sure I would have went back to the car to get something and let her out of my sight.  And I texted Sabrina that I was scared and to come with her gun and she texted back that there were worse places in Floyd County.  Let me just say, if there are worse places I cannot even begin to imagine them.  I was and still am speechless.  I am also extremely proud of myself for staying and not just passing right by and going home.  

They did a scavenger hunt where they were supposed to walk around the yard/pasture (which did not contain any cows or bulls) and find things on the list.  They were not to leave the yard/pasture.  Now I'm not very good at guessing sizes, but if a normal house sits on a half acre lot then this pasture was roughly 5 acres big.  Please understand that these items were not placed in the yard for the scavenger hunt.  These were things that could be found in the yard on any given day.  

Among other things, the list included:

1. dead tree

2. creek bed

3. moss

4. mud

5. ponded area (is this like a pond?)

6. coon dogs 

7. 13 tractors (t-h-i-r-t-e-e-n tractors.  in the yard.  everyday.  13.)

8. little dump truck

9. big dump truck

10. run down house (I saw no houses that I would call "inhabitable"  I saw no houses at all.  All I saw was "pasture" and a shed)

11. radiators

12. plow

13. a potty (classy)

14. a blue van (non-working of course)

15. 3 wrecked cars

16. 2 race cars

17. bull dozer

18. 2 green cars (again, non-working)

19. bathtub

20. log truck

People.  Are you kidding me?  I mean, I've looked back over the last couple of weeks and I'm just wondering WHAT ON EARTH I did to deserve this.  What?  Do I need to do some charity work or something?  Is it not enough that I live with Skylar all day, every day? 

Among the better conversations I had:

Me:  So, that girl driving the Rhino that's pulling the trailer full of kids including my daughter that's circling the "pasture" over and over...how old is she?

Uncle of Jax:  That's my kid.  She's nine. 

Me:  You seem to have a lot of family.  Do y'all get together often?

Same Uncle:  Oh yeah, well we cook out about every other week or so...you know, whenever we all have our kids at the same time.

And oh my gosh it was so cold.  So I'm sitting by the bonfire trying to keep my chattering teeth from biting off my tongue listening to some lady, an aunt maybe, telling the story of her husband getting hit in the face by his ex-fiancee with a beer bottle and how he strangled her for doing that.  She hit him right in the face, right there, in the front, where that tooth is missing, she knocked that tooth right out.  And at that moment I flashed forward in my mind to the wedding, and their side of the church and my side of the church and I would have started crying right there but my tear ducts were frozen.  

I told Scott all about it, how I was extremely out of place, and I'm a person that can usually fit in just about anywhere.  And I was all "I was sitting there thinking about the wedding and Scott, there is just no way-" and he's all "Jennifer, come on, there's no way they would get married.  That's like, 15 years away.  We'll move three, four more times.  She'll forget all about him and never see him again."

Oh, it could happen.  Trust me.

Hello.  Have we met?  I'm Jennifer.  Let me tell you about how I have SHIT FOR LUCK.  

Shhh, it's a secret

Coming to a birthday party early December.

Why didn't I think of that?

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they all yours?''

Yep theyz all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.
' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.'

Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the
girls are all named Leighroy.

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL
named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all
comes a runnin'. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the
street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest
idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Geez

More tagging! One day these things will go out of style. Of course, I'll be dead by then.

Subject: Tell Me 44 ODD Things about yourself!

1. Do you like blue cheese? yes

2. Have you ever smoked?  yeah, but I was terrible at it and didn't even inhale (Amber Ware can vouch for this because she'll never let me forget it! Aerosmith rocks!!)

3. Do you own a gun? no, I do not personally have a gun registered in my name

4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? lemonade

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? yeah, because they make you get on the scale

6. What do you think of hot dogs?  you would have to pay me a lot of money, a LOT of money, to touch one. we won't even discuss what it would take for me to eat one

7. Favorite Christmas movie? Christmas Vacation

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? chocolate milk

9. Can you do pushups? Yes

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? my wedding rings

11. Favorite hobby?  sewing

12. Do you have A.D.D.? no

13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? I tend to be a tiny bit OC

14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: How long before they move out, How long before they will be asleep, will the jeans I just got at American Eagle for 8 bucks (oh YEAH) fit

15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? chocolate milk, water, venti non-fat caramel chai

16. Current worry? next weekend

17. Current hate right now? noise

18. Favorite place to be?  right now it's in the tanning bed, because that's the only place I can go in this entire world where it's quiet

19. How did you bring in the New Year? at home with Scott

20. Where would you like to go? anywhere I could be alone for a few minutes

21. Name three people who will complete this? all, my, friends 

22. Do you own slippers? no

23. What shirt are you wearing? purple tank top

24. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no

25. Can you whistle? not very well

26. Favorite color? blue

27. Would you be a pirate for Halloween? no

28. What songs do you sing in the shower?  I don't sing because I'm too busy trying to figure out who flushed the toilet

29. Favorite Girl's Name? right now I like Whitney

30. Favorite boy's name? right now it's Hunter

31. What's in your pocket right now? lint

32. Last thing that made you laugh out loud? a joke my dad told me at dinner
 
33. What vehicle do you drive? Ford Expedition

34. Worst injury you've ever had? knee surgery

35. Do you love where you live? no

36. How many TVs do you have in your house? 5, but it wouldn't matter if there were 105, they would still fight over what to watch

37. Who is your loudest friend? Sabrina

38. Do you have any pets? yes

39. Does someone have a crush on you? my husband

40. Your favorite book?  US Weekly

41. Do you collect anything? precious moments figurines

42. Favorite Sports Team? Georgia Bulldogs

43. What song do you want played at your funeral? I fell on my knees and cried Holy

44.  Do you generally live a happy life? I live my life in a drug induced haze, so yeah, I do.



The Challenge of Four!

A) Four places that I go to over and over:
1. Johnson Elementary School
2. Winthrop Academy
3. Club Fitness
4. Starbucks

B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly):
1. Scott
2. QVC
3. USAA
4. The people who want to help me make my penis larger

C) Four of my favorite places to eat:
1. Sante Fe
2. Las Palmas
3. Quiznos
4. Paul's Oyster Bar

D) Four places I would rather be right now:
1. At the gym
2. Getting a pedicure
3. With Scott
4. by myself

E) Four TV shows I watch:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Brothers and Sisters
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Dancing with the Stars

I'm tagging everybody I've ever met in my life. Let's have it.

The tagging thing

Apparently a while back I was tagged by Amy to answer some more of these silly questions people pass around in an attempt to get to know each other. What happened to the days of socializing in person? Anyway, I will answer them, because I'm really not all that busy here and I've got plenty of down time and no place to go.

The rules: (Dead Lord there are rules to this one. Not only are they getting old, they are getting bossy too.) Remove 1 question from the list below, and add your own personal question to make it a total of 20 questions. Tag 8 people, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. At what age do/did you (wish to) marry?
23, and that's how old i was, but you know, I'm a huge planner

2. What color do you like most?
blue, the color of Scott's eyes

3. If you can have a superpower, what would it be?
The ability to freeze time, like that guy on Heroes. There would be so many ways to mess with people if you could do that. Plus, I could freeze time and sleep more.

4. If you can travel anywhere in the world, where would you want to go?
I would go to some/any third world country and pose as an orphan. That way maybe Angelina would come adopt me.

5. Which part of you do you hate the most?
The fat part.

6. When you get sad, what do you do?
cry

7. What book are you reading now?
Thunder Run, by David Zucchino

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do with the money?
Pay off my debt and bring my husband home

9. What did you love the most about last year (2007)?
Living with Scott

10. How did you get your name?
I think it was a rule that if you had a baby girl in the year 1974 her name had to be Jennifer.

11. What is the moment you regret most?
Trading our Jeep Cherokee.

12. What type of person do you hate the most?
Fake people

13. What is your greatest asset?
My ability to be with my children all day and not commit murder.

14. If you had one wish, what would you wish for?
For Scott to be home for good.

15. How did you celebrate the New Year?
Table dancing. At home with Scott.

16. What tv show do you watch that you are embarrassed to tell people about?
I'm not embarrassed about any tv I watch.

17. It’s 2008. What are you looking forward to this year?
I'm looking forward to it being over.

18. Anything in your life that you wish weren’t so awful?
Ha Ha Ha-Blech.

19. What’s the shallowest thing you intend to do this year?
everything I do is shallow and solely for personal gain

20. I'm changing this from Amy's "McDreamy or McSteamy?" to:
When you turn off the lights, where does the light that's in the room go?

And I have no idea what a chat box is, so I'm tagging everybody from right here.

Sunset at the range

Great.  So I bought him a camera to take with him and he's gone all cheesy on me.

On the way to school this morning

Look kids!  Camels!

Kissin' pictures

I was putting these pictures on Facebook the other day (I didn't put them on here because obviously I like the facebook people better than you) and did you know people can leave photo comments on there?  And oh, do they like to be funny!  

This is a series of pictures Ashlyn took, that show a natural progression of events.  

Scott and me on the couch.  

I give Scott a kiss because I wub him a lot.

Scott gives me a kiss because he wubs me a lot.

Scott takes it too far.  This is totally normal for Scott.  He's always pushing his limits.

Then we kiss each other. 

Then it was over.  The end.  

Or, if you'd like you can believe Chris Pack, who wrote under my picture "And then there were FIVE kids!"

Hardy har har.  Keep it up Chris, and imma come at you like a spider monkey! 

Won't they be surprised

Monday is my parents' 35th wedding anniversary. According to the internet, the traditional gift is coral.  And I was stumped a little bit so I did some googling to find some recommended coral anniversary gifts and you know what?  The internet actually advises you to buy a salt water fish tank, fill it with lots of tropical fish and CORAL, and give it to the happy couple.  Now you should only do this of course if the couple are animal enthusiasts, and my parents have a dog, so I'm thinking that qualifies. 

I know they will love it to pieces, and if they don't then they will act like they do, because my husband is deployed to war and I am such a fragile flower these days that YOU SHOULD NOT HURT MY FEELINGS or you may get an ass-chewing like I gave to the cheerleading coach Saturday at the cheer expo, or one like I gave the dumbass customer service representative from AT&T wireless.  Dude, HOW MANY MONTHS do you need to get my cell phone bill right?  Because this is month 6, Kareem, AND IT'S STILL WRONG.

And you know what?  I'm using a lot of capital letters.  Maybe it's annoying, but GET OVER IT.  And also, I know there are people out there who have lived through all this before.  Oh, yeah, my husband was away for a while...oh yeah, my cell phone bill got messed up once...oh yeah, I typed one time in capital letters.  GAWD, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT.  I understand that everything in my life is old news to you, that you've lived through it all before and you know it all.  I get it that you wrote the book on EVERYTHING.  Good for you.  Now KISS IT.

p.s. how should I wrap up the fish tank? 

Frosty

Why did it have to be on my watch?

Sweet dreams, Frosty.

You were a good cat.  Well, not really, but Haley thought so, and that's all that matters.

GOD, CAN I PLEASE CATCH A BREAK?  

Happy Halloween 2008

Thank God it's over.  Really, that's all I want to say, however I know that will never satisfy the masses of people who care about what my kids dressed up as for Halloween.  Yeah, all five of you.

Skylar was going to be a cheerleader, because she has a cheerleader outfit that matches Haley's and she's so freakin' cute when she wears it.  Then we found this Aurora dress at WalMart and she decided she wasn't leaving without it.  She also wore this dress for 57 hours straight prior to going trick-0r-treating.  Honestly it could have walked around the neighborhood by itself.

Well, I have no explanation for this.  Scott bought it at TJMaxx one day before he deserted us. 

Ashlyn was going to be Mrs. Claus, but we had an argument over choice of fabric, and finally I gave in and let her have her way, basically because it was Ashlyn and I like her best.  Then the whole project went to hell (I was right about the fabric) and she ended up being Superwoman.  

So since everybody else got a costume Haley cried and cried about having to be a cheerleader and wanted a new costume, any costume, it didn't matter what it was.  Because if somebody gets something new, Haley whines until she gets something...anything.  Haley's attitude is that the world revolves around Haley and only Haley, and everybody else is here to serve her in some capacity.  This is the same attitude that is causing my hair to turn gray.  This is also the same attitude that's going to get her ass kicked one day.  

Here are my kids with my brother's kids, Mary Kate the Mermaid and Claire the Chili Pepper.  

Here are all the kids with Grandma.  Why we put Grandma through this every year is beyond me.  

After having some soup and the most delicious cornbread I've ever had the pleasure of eating we went trick-or-treating in the richy rich neighborhood my parents live in.  It's got some hills, but let me tell you, it's also got top of the line candy.  It's also nice to watch my kids trample immaculate, well-manicured lawns that some illegal alien worked his ass off on for ten dollars.  But Heidi helped them out with a little fertilization, so I think we're even.

I don't have a picture of my costume, but I wore one of Scott's Tennessee t-shirts and went as a Loser.  HAHAHA!  Just kidding.  I wore a Georgia shirt.  Oh, not really and yes, I'm still a Georgia fan even though they got whipped yesterday.  Sometimes it happens to the best of us, right Phil Ful---well, nevermind.  Actually, Jenny and I wore regular clothes, and went as drunk people pretending to be sober.  I pulled it off.    

In my dreams

Every night before I go to bed I get on the scale, cry a little bit, and make a pledge to not eat so many peeps the next day.  Tonight I stepped up on it and it spent about four times longer calculating my weight, and then popped up a 113.6.  
Ha ha.
So, you know, obviously my scale is broken because it's only weighing my left leg.
I think I'm going to keep it forever.

Numbers

I would like to point out that as I write this post I have 51520 hits on my website, which is the exact same number of miles on my car.  I pulled into the driveway tonight (via Mrs. Hufstetler's driveway and then part of my yard so as not to run through the wet concrete, but THAT'S a story you don't want to know about) and glanced down and saw the odometer change to 51520, came inside, logged onto blogger, and saw the exact same number here.  Cool.  

I am also overly amazed by those spinny things.  

    

My boy

I would say that one day he's going to be a heartbreaker, but you know what?  He already is.

Animal attraction

I've tried and tried and I can't for the life of me figure out why Frosty doesn't like Heidi.  

Just a thought

Hey, I'm all for everybody having a blog.  I really enjoy reading about what everybody is doing.  And I'll be the first to admit that when I see some cool widget on somebody's page I copy it.  But I don't copy their thoughts.  

So...how's about you write your own shit and not copy mine.

Let me help you

Pops:  "OWEN!  What are you doing?  Why are you doing that?  I don't believe it.  You know you are not supposed to be doing that.  I've told you over and over not to do that.  I'm very upset with you.  Very upset.  And your mother is going to be upset with you when I tell her.  It's going to be a long time before I forget about this!"

Owen:  "You know what?  My Mama got a belly-button ring."     

Here you go

So I took a break from blogging for the two weeks Scott was home, and apparently that's about as bad as selling drugs to elementary school children or going around shaking babies.  I had no idea so many people cared about this blog so much they would gripe if I didn't put anything new on here for a week or two.  I should have known though, as Skylar was born at 1:15 in the afternoon and the next morning several people called my dad wanting to know why there was nothing on the blog about it.  Oops, sorry, I was busy letting the epidural wear off so I could go pee.

And if I say that nothing exciting happened during the last two weeks everybody would know I was lying, because after all I am me, and excitement follows me around in numbers.  So here's a quick rundown.

Owen had his TBall banquet at Schroeder's out in Armuchee.  I would like to go on record as saying I enjoy the Armuchee Schroeder's better than the Downtown Schroeder's.  It's more of a casual atmosphere while the Downtown Schroeder's is more of a hip, happening environment, and let's face it, I am many things, but "hip" is not one of them.  Grandma, on the other hand, can totally pull off the Downtown Schroeder's, but Grandma is foxy like that.  (man, the Schroeder's website is shitty) 

The 11th was Military Appreciation Day at the Shorter College football game and Scott was recognized as he is a Shorter graduate and is currently in the military, as there's not much you can do with a college degree in Sports Management.  Who knew?  There should be a disclaimer beside that in the list of available degrees that says Please Note:  You can choose this degree and then expect to join the Military and go to war repeatedly, leaving your wife to fend for herself in a house with four crazy people, a stuck-up cat, and a poop eating dog, however, if by chance someone needs to devise a Round-Robin Tournament, YOU'RE THEIR GUY.  Scott also got to flip the coin at the beginning of the game, and then we sat there for three hours and watched Shorter lose in the last minute.  What a downer.  It was super fun though because we all got sunburns on one side of our body.  

Another wonderful thing that happened while Scott was home was he got the kids ready for school each morning and then took them by himself, which means I got to sleep in every day.  This was priceless to me as I value sleep over food, clothing and shelter.  This also allowed Haley to put together her own outfits without any argument from me, as I didn't see her until after school each day.  

This picture validates my veto power when it comes to "Outfits deemed suitable for school by Haley." 

We are currently getting settled back into our routine without Scott, you know, the one that involves all the drinking in the mornings.  Skylar is pooping on the potty and the older kids are currently trying to grow a beanstalk in the front yard.  It's never going to work, because they are going about it the wrong way and using pinto beans instead of magic beans.  I'm not saying anything though, because who am I to crush this dream of theirs to grow a beanstalk up to the sky?  I'm too busy trying to crush all their other dreams.  

We are also beginning to plan Haley's birthday party, as it's fast approaching, and my first brilliant idea went so horribly wrong.  See, I don't want to have birthday parties.  I need all that money for alcohol.  So I told Haley she could pick a friend from her class and I'd take them out to eat to any restaurant they wanted to go to and then I'd take them to a movie and perhaps they could spend the night.  And Haley, in what is perhaps the ballsiest move ever made by a second grader, said "Okay, I'll take my boyfriend Jax."  Oh how I hope I die before she hits her teenage years.  So now I'm taking the entire Johnson Elementary School second grade bowling.  And boy I can't wait.

Oh, and while I've brought up the subject of Haley's birthday, if any of you want to send her anything please God don't let it be a JCPenney gift card. We got one from Meena and Papaw (Scott's parents) for Halloween and I took Ashlyn and Haley to the mall tonight to spend it and if they had sold rope there I would have bought some and hung myself.

There's also some sewing going on around here, and I'll take some pictures when I get a chance.  I could get more stuff made if I hadn't bought a serger that suffers from suicidal tendencies every time I try to change the thread color, but what can you do?  I tried cussing and that didn't work, so since that's the extent of my fix-it ability I just give her some time and she eventually comes around.  And as luck would have it, well, as my luck would have it, we have a little brown mouse (that rightly decided not to show himself until after Scott was gone) living in the closet where I keep my sewing stuff.  I haven't met him in person yet, but Haley has, and it wasn't very pleasant from what I heard.  It's a good thing we have a good-for-nothing cat because if we had a regular cat the mouse might be in danger.      

Also, there's something funky going on with my feet.  Holy crap skin is falling off of them in sheets.  Thick sheets.  And you know I'm picking at it.  The disgustingness of my kids is rubbing off on me and I can't leave them alone.  I'm actually contemplating taking a picture and putting it on here for all of you to look at.  What do you think?  Yes?  No?  How about a peeling foot disease collage?  Just say the word people, say the word.   

My Baby

Don't let her fool you, she's absolutely the most ferocious 11 pounds you'll ever meet. If you don't believe me come over to my house, knock on the door, and just take a listen.

Some Army pictures

Scott brought home some pictures from his time at Ft. Riley and I tried to put the whole sideshow on here but he wouldn't let me.  Apparently he's a little embarrassed about the ones where they were all playing Twister in the barracks.  Note: Do not make decisions involving a camera when you are also making decisions involving a keg.  Or maybe it was the ones taken at the Kansas State/Montana State football game, which prove that people who join the Army and wear the same uniform every day of their life lose all sense of fashion and when given a chance to put together an outfit on their own (without wifely input) they manage to look like complete idiots.
Anyway, here are a few of the boring pictures.

Goodnight, Maggie Jane

You were the best dog in the world.
We will never forget you.

Welcome Home Daddy

Scott made it home about 7:30 this morning for his two week visit before his 12 month sandy vacation.

And in case anyone is counting, the little people here are now 3 for 4 in the "projectile vomiting all over the house" game.

FYI-while it's great for liquids, this won't pick up chunks.

WOOHOO!

Welcome Home!!

I told you I've been sewing

Shrine Parade

Saturday I took Skylar to the Shrine Parade, but only because Haley's cheerleading squad was riding in it. Honestly, Shriners freak me out. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL is wrong with Shriners? I think Skylar may be scarred for life. And really, when you're dressed as a clown and you see someone sitting on the grass with a freaked out 2 year old hanging on her neck and she's taking pictures with a very expensive camera WHY WOULD YOU SPRAY HER WITH WATER? Is it because you are a moron? Is it because you're a Shriner? Or is it because IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.

Important Stock Market Information

If you bought $1000 of stock a year ago, you would now have:

$91.28 if you bought Washington Mutual

$37.50 if you bought Neomagic

$21.29 if you bought Freddie Mac

$20.79 if you bought Fannie Mae


But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the recycling REFUND...

You would have $214.00 in cash.


So the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

(thanks to Pops for this)

I might throw in some pills too

Haley and Kyla are best friends.  They are cheerleaders.

Chase and Jax are best friends.  They are football players. 

Haley, Kyla, Chase and Jax are all in Mrs. Hembree's 2nd grade class.  They play together on the playground every day.

Chase is in love with Kyla.  Jax is in love with Haley.  This is common knowledge.  All the 2nd graders and even some of the 3rd and 4th graders know this.  Kyla likes Chase, but Chase doesn't know it.  Haley likes Jax, but Jax doesn't know it.      

Tomorrow Haley is going to tell Chase that Kyla likes him as much as he likes her.  Also happening tomorrow, Kyla is going to tell Jax that Haley likes him as much as he likes her.  Tomorrow is going to be a big day.

Then they are going to be "boyfriend and girlfriend" and one day they are going to get married and Haley is going to get Jax's initials tattooed somewhere on her body, maybe her wrist, she isn't sure yet.

Do not bother to call me tomorrow, as I will be busy drinking heavily.

 

Haley's mini-me

It turns out if you're not passed out drunk someplace you actually can have quite a bit of time to get creative so, when not obsessively putting all the food in the pantry into some type of tupperware container (a story for another time), I made Skylar a cheerleading uniform that looks just like Haley's.  I didn't have a pattern, I just had to look at Haley's and then draw it out and shrink it down so it would fit Skylar, and I was rushing to finish it so instead of doing the Wildcats on the front I decided to just embroider a JES because it would be quicker, but other than that they are identical.  Skylar loves it and naturally she is the star whenever I take her to the football games and she wears it.  She does not join in the cheering, however, she has no free time to deal with all that nonsense when she could be sitting on the bleachers shoving popcorn into her face. 

My girls.  

I have also been sewing some other stuff, and maybe one day I'll put some pictures on here to prove it, and also maybe I'll put some pictures on here of the dining room, which looks very much like what Hancock Fabrics would look like if a bomb went off in the middle of the store.  And then maybe we can talk about Friday, when I had to get four dresses made, and Jenny was over here with her kids distracting me helping, and God made all the toilets suddenly blow up and flood the bathrooms and hallway.  

So there's water everywhere, and the dog's in it, and the cat's in it, and the kids are in it, and I'm trying to use a plunger, which I don't think I've ever used in my entire life, and I'm yelling at Jenny "Which way turns off the water?" and she's standing there screaming "LEFTY LOOSEY RIGHTY TIGHTY!" and I'm all "WHAT THE HELL are you talking about?"  So I'm plunging, and with every plunge the plunger turns inside out, which is kind of a pisser because you have to touch it to get it right side out again, and after about three times I'm hollering "JENNY!  What in the name of God is wrong with this plunger?" and we decide we've never seen a plunger do that, or maybe we're using it wrong, heck we don't know, so we go get Mrs. Hufstetler, who takes one look at the dining room and nearly drops dead on the spot and Owen decides he's got to go pee (of course) so he goes over to Mrs. Hufstetler's house and on the way back through her kitchen he steals some peanuts.  Honest to God.  He stole an old lady's peanuts.  While she was over here showing his dumbass mother how to use a plunger.  That was my Friday.

Just shoot me.  Please.

Peepers

You should see them whenever I try to pee.

Build A Bear

A couple of weeks ago I took the kids up to Hamilton Place to help celebrate Leeanne's birthday at Build A Bear. I was just looking through my pictures and realized I hadn't posted any pictures of the bears. I think it's really cool, and also a little freaky, that the kids all dressed their bears in totally different ways but each one ended up totally reflecting their own personalities.

Ashlyn's bear is named Katie. Katie is dressed in a very fashionable shirt and jeans ensemble, which is exactly the type of thing Ashlyn wears to school on a daily basis. If any of you are wondering what to send her for Christmas or her birthday, something that looks like this would be perfect.  You may notice that Ashlyn is wearing her glasses in this picture, and she normally has her contacts in.  Well, she is wearing her glasses because they called from the school on Wednesday to tell me she had pink eye and I needed to come get her immediately.  So I go to pick her up and am informed that she cannot come back to school until she has a note from a doctor saying she's been on antibiotic eye drops for at least 24 hours.  I called the doctor to make an appointment and the only appointment they had was for 2:15, and yes, Owen still gets out of school at 2:30.  After several phone calls my aunt Chris (of the house in Alabama with the vicious frog) picked him up from school, which I will talk about in a minute.  And you know what?  She didn't have pink eye.  And you know what else?  I didn't take in the diaper bag because I am a moron and Skylar pooped the second we got in there and let me tell you it didn't smell like roses.  But I'm glad she didn't have pink eye because that means all of us would have gotten it and if I can't wear my contacts then shit around here is just going to stop dead because I have no glasses now that Skylar grabbed them and ripped them apart.  She's really great like that...have I mentioned how great she is? 

Owen's bear is named Scout.  He is dressed like a baseball player.  Owen's entire life revolves around this t-ball stuff and it was a no-brainer that his bear get these particular clothes.  And it seems that Owen has some admirers up at Wake Forest, and to that he says "Hellooooo Ladies!"  Then he makes some crazy sound and makes a hand motion like he's cracking a whip.  I have no idea what that's about...  Anyway, on Wednesday my aunt had to pick him up and I was afraid he was going to go to pieces when I didn't show up because our whole entire morning conversations are based around "Mama will be back to pick you up at 2:30 Owen.  2:30.  I promise.  2:30.  It's only a little while.  I would never leave you, Owen, I will be there to pick you up at 2:30, now please come down off the roof."  I had the entire school and the entire Fire Department on alert for whatever his reaction might be when Chris got there to get him.  And the little guy was so excited to see her he couldn't stand himself.  And he went willingly.  And he asked me later why different people couldn't pick him up every day instead of me.  And guess what.  He hasn't cried at school since.  We have had four glorious days of walking into school and walking back out just like all the other parents, with no incidents.  If he makes it five days he gets the fishing game.  If he makes it ten I just might be able to give up my morning double shot of tequila. 

Skylar's bear is named Molly and from time to time she actually shows a little interest in it.  It's not her favorite thing though, her favorite thing is screaming loudly.  Her bear is wearing a cute top and some pink pants that look like some of the stuff Skylar has in her closet.  The shirt says "I'm Glamorous" and of course so is Skylar.  I mean, how can you have hair like that and not be glamorous? 

And leave it to Haley to take an innocent little bear and dress it up like Britney Spears.  But really, did you expect anything else?