Ear tubes and one expensive trip to WalMart

So, as it turns out, he wasn't just ignoring us. He was suffering from CHS (can't hear shit) due to the lousy condition of his ears.

Owen got his first ear infection of his entire life about 6 weeks ago. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon that day when he started complaining, and by 9:00 the next morning we were at the clinic on base when both his eardrums burst. Now we all know this is not good, not good at all, and it causes massive amounts of crying. Several appointments and 5 weeks later the mucus was still built up behind his eardrums. Not infected, but definitely affecting his hearing. And by "affecting his hearing" I mean even if you were hollering there was no way he could hear you if he was more than about 10 feet away.

Yesterday Owen got tubes put in his ears. It was the same doctor than 8 days ago took out Haley's tonsils, the same doctor that one year ago got the earring back out of Haley's earlobe, the same doctor that could now basically retire just off of us.

I spent three days getting Owen all pumped up about the mask he would have to breathe into for the anesthesia. Then I told him that if he was a big boy and didn't cry he would get a surprise. Last week I made this exact same deal with Haley and she didn't cry. She howled like a banshee. Somehow, probably because I'm a sap, she still ended up with a new toy. Ashlyn heard me tell him this and actually said "Man, I wish I could get some kind of surgery so I could get something!" So, again because I'm a sap, or maybe because I was slightly worried she might fling herself off the top bunk in an effort to hurt herself enough to require professional help, I agreed she could get something too because she made 100 on her TAKS test. And of course we are proud of her, and it's so wonderful and all, and she is such a freakin nerd so I caved and said I'd get her a prize. Oh, and also because we all know I don't need to make another trip to the emergency room with one of my kids. Seriously, one day people are going to start getting suspicious.

Well, Owen was a champ at the surgery center and didn't cry, though he did look nervous when they wheeled him and his blankie away, and he totally inhaled, so don't let him tell you differently if he ever runs for office and this subject comes up. After we picked up Ashlyn and Haley from school we went to Walmart. I bought 6 things. This, this, this, this, this and this. And it was $90. 90 freakin dollars. Unbelievable. Why oh why didn't I have the good fortune to have invented the WalMart?

So here is a picture of Owen and me before the ear tube procedure. I took this with my cell phone and today I managed to get it from the phone to the computer with only a minimal use of all the bad words I know.


And this is Owen right before they wheeled him off, checking his email one last time. He's such a workaholic...he really needs to slow down.

Feeding time for the monster

Ew, what is this, tapioca?

Little Miss Manners won't eat without wiping her face between bites.

Open wide!

Air Fiesta 2008 pictures

72 pictures lasts quite a while--you may want to grab a sandwich

Happy Easter!!

Quiet Saturday mornings

Mama, I'm not trying to be a tattletail or anything, but Owen has a pair of scissors and he's trying to cut Ashlyn's hair.
(one beating later)
Scott, kids are so much fun. Remind me why we stopped having them?
Shit! Remind me why we ever started!

Side Effects

What do you get when you have 4 kids?

4 times the throw-up.

The Air Show

Saturday we went to the 2008 Goodfellow AFB Air Fiesta Air Show.  It was a perfect day, sunny and clear and not too hot, and we had a great time.  The kids went on all the planes and the helicopters, and the lines weren't too long despite there being about 2 million people there.  Admission was free, and as we walked up to the gate I said to Scott "Wow, do you know how much money they would make if they just charged $1 for each person?"  Well, not to worry folks, they made plenty of money selling food and beer.  Nothing screams money like offering hundreds of soldiers funnel cakes and miller lite.  I'm telling you, it hurt for more than a little bit when I had to pay $12 for three snowcones, aka CUPS OF ICE AND KOOLAID.  

I have pictures, lots of pictures, roughly 400,000 pictures of tiny planes far far up in the sky.  I just haven't had the energy to sit down and load the onto the computer yet.   I plan on doing that later this week.  And Skylar got a little bit of sun on one side of her face, which caused the skin to immediately blister and fall off her skull.  This type of thing happened last summer whenever she was exposed to bright sunlight, and it reinforces my belief that she has some type of allergy to the sun.  I also got a little bit of sun, which feels GREAT, believe me.  I got so much sun it's...well, it's god-awful.  I took a self portrait so you could see for yourself.  

Tomorrow (Tuesday) Haley is having her tonsils and adenoids taken out.  Also, you know that thing that hangs down in the back of your throat?  It's called a uvula, and Haley's is connected to her tonsils.  It is able to connect to her tonsils because on a scale of 1 to 4, where 4 is kissing tonsils, Haley's rank 3.5 according to Dr. Lindemann, our ENT.  So I don't know what they are going to do about that, maybe just separate it before they laser the tonsils?  I never knew that hangy thing was called a uvula, but ever since finding out I feel insanely better about that Veggie Tales song where Larry is singing about his.  Because while I'm all for the Veggie Tales and we own quite a few of their movies, I'm still not completely sure that if you played them backwards you wouldn't hear some stuff about the devil.  And I would totally try it, but I don't want to ruin the warm and fuzzy feeling I get whenever I hear that theme song.    

The Letter

(this is a copy of the letter I sent to school today with Haley)

Dear Mrs. Owens,

Last night Haley did her homework.

However, when she was finished, she was not responsible enough to put it back in her folder and stick it in her backpack instead of leaving it lying on the table where Skylar could reach it.  This was my fault because I "didn't tell her to do that." 

Skylar got Haley's homework and tore it in three pieces.  At that point, Haley again was not responsible enough to tell me or anyone else what happened or ask for tape or look for tape herself.  She apparently still felt that it was to be left lying on the table.  This was also my fault, because I was having a heated argument with the cable installer at the time in a completely different room oblivious to what was going on and I "didn't give her the idea about the tape."

Last night Scott cleaned the house (I was gone to a dinner meeting) and when he came across the ripped up paper he threw it away.  

This morning Haley actively participated in helping get all the trash out of the house because today is trash day.  After it was all shoved in the outside trash can and the can was taken to the curb Haley asked if anyone had thrown away any ripped up paper, that it was not trash, but her homework, and could somebody go through the trash and get it for her so she could take it to school. 

Needless to say, Haley will not be turning in any homework today.

Haley also did not do her reading last night, as she left her book baggie at school.  She realized this about 15 minutes after she got home from school, and I wouldn't take her back to get it (the cable installer was just starting cableCard installation into the Tivo at that point), which in her mind makes this my fault too, since Haley does anything and everything she can to shift blame and avoid all types of responsibility unless it involves getting toys, ice cream, or some type of monetary reward.    

Thanks,

Jennifer Starr

Question of the week

"So Mama, did you watch a lot of black and white movies when you were a kid?"

Happy Birthday Claire!

Congratulations to Brian and Jenny and Mary Kate on the birth of Claire Olivia today!  

Welcome to the world Claire!

We love you!

One of the best

Quite possibly one of the best things I've ever read.

Izzy, I watched the video and I teared up too.  That is, until Owen walked in and said "Why's that guy crying?  Boys don't cry!  What a SISSY!" 

Shasta kiwi-strawberry

Good thing they write it on the can, otherwise I'd have no idea this stuff has no caffeine in it.

Frosty loves Skylar

For some reason, Frosty, who hates us, has decided he loves Skylar. He sits beside her, he sleeps in her armoire on her clothes, and he allows her to lavish love and affection on him. I think he does it just to piss me off.
*Frosty is not bigger than Skylar, as he appears in this picture. This is just an optical illusion.

Although it is entirely possible that he likes her so much because she dresses better than the rest of us.

Escape checklist

Coat?
check
Passy?
check
Wrist strength necessary to turn doorknob?
dammit

Randomness

1.  On any given day we have at least two children on some type of antibiotic.

2.  Do the contestants on American Idol look at themselves in a full-length mirror before they go onstage?  

3.  Though I've not seen anything in writing, I'm relatively sure that the cat fights we have around here are scheduled for every 1.5 hours. 

4.  Included in the list of things Skylar had to eat today are cat food, a blue crayon and a tealight candle.  She also tried to eat a lightbulb from a flashlight that Owen took apart but I proved that I can still move pretty quickly when I need to.

5.  We need to make a rule around here that states if you are in the bathroom doing anything that requires you to have your pants down then you need to CLOSE THE DOOR.

6.  How come nobody hears me when I talk unless I am saying something about food? 

7.  Haley has begun wearing bikini tops from her bathing suits under her clothes because I will not buy her a bra.  Haley is in 1st grade and is built exactly like this.

8.  Female cats in heat will spray the couch in the living room.  Repeatedly.

9.  LOST is now completely over my head, but I am trying to keep up by reading the message boards, which are shocking the crap out of me.  How can a fictional television show be so hard?  If anyone knows what the hell is going on and can explain it in a way I can understand please call me.  

10.  How come singers from countries other than America have accents when they talk but not when they sing?  

Where do I go wrong?

How did your TAKS test go?

Fine.  Where have you guys been?

Mama took us to the vet to find out what's wrong with Dixie.

What did they say?

Well, she's gonna be fine, but she's got "the heat" so they've got to fix her.

What?  The heat?  What do you mean she's got "the heat?"

No, not the heat, she's in heat.

So she's just hot?

No, she-

Well that makes perfect sense.  I mean, she meows all the time and rolls around and she's got all that fur.  It MUST mean she's just really hot.  It's been hot lately you know.

No, it has nothing to do with her being hot.

They are gonna fix her next week.  The doctor told Mama that until then we needed to stick a q-tip in Dixie's vulva.  But I have no idea what that is.  

What's a vulva?

(silence)

It must be one of those things we're not supposed to talk about.  You know.  Like SEX.

HALEY!

What?

Talk about something else.

So you're not going to tell us what a vulva is?

NO.

(silence)

Mama?  What's a hickey?

Are you kidding me?

Hey!  I just taught Skylar to hock a loogie!

What?

You know, when you---

I know what it means.  Where did you hear that word?

Well...it's her name, so I hear it all the time.

Maddening

I know a joke.

Okay.

Hey Mama, do you know what?

What?

You're supposed to say Who.

What?

Not what, you're supposed to say "No but I know his brother, Who."

Oh.  Okay.

Hey Mama, do you know What?

No, but I know his brother, Who.

Ha Ha!  That's a good one Mama!

What?

Who? (hee hee)

Haley

Yes?

I thought you were telling me a joke.

I am.

Are we talking about the same thing?

Um, knock knock.

Go away.

Mama!  Knock knock.

(silence)

Is that a margarita?

(silence)

Mama, you know how you tell me to do stuff and I say I didn't hear you but really I did?  You're doing that to me right now, aren't you?

What do you mean, when you say you didn't hear me but really you did?  You mean you are ignoring me?

No, you're ignoring me.  Right now.

I'm not talking about right now.

Well what are you talking about?  

When you say you don't hear me but you really do.

I hear you fine, you're right in front of me.  Why wouldn't I hear you?

I'm not talking about right now.  I'm talking about what you said earlier.  What did you just say?

Oh!  KNOCK KNOCK!

The Little Team That Could

Ashlyn's basketball team played in an end of the season tournament yesterday and today. Yesterday we started off in a round-robin tournament. First we played the Lady Mavericks. We lost 16-6. Then we played the Lady Bearcats and we beat them, though I'm not sure of the score. For the third game we played the Lady Bearcats again, and again we won.

Today was the tough day; we had to start off playing the Lady Mavericks again.  Of course we were picked to lose, but our girls did GREAT and we beat them 10-5.  I have to say their coaches were the worst losers!  They set an awful example for their team with all the whining and complaining they did when they lost.  And they screamed at their girls so badly that the girls were crying while they were playing.  I think that's taking it a bit far.  For heaven's sake, they are only 9!  It was really obvious too, that their coaches were nazis, cause right as half-time was ending they were screaming at their players and jerking them around and girls were sobbing and our coach is over there going "Which basket are we shooting at?" and all our girls point to the basket and he goes "Yay!  RIGHT!" and gives them all high-fives.  Totally opposite coaching styles-and it proved that sometimes nice guys win. 

So for the championship game we had to play Wall.  In Wall they live, eat, and breathe sports.  Those people are the most obnoxious people on the face of the earth.  They win at everything apparently.  Well, NOT TODAY!  It was neck and neck for a while, with each team trading baskets.  Then we got down 10-6.  It looked bad, but the girls fought back.  Then it was 10-10.  Then they got to shoot foul shots and went up 11-10.  Then we scored a basket and went ahead 12-11.  There was less than a minute left and I have never yelled so much in my life.  They had a girl that was like five feet tall and Ashlyn was guarding her.  She outweighed Ashlyn by about 40 pounds and she was all over Ashlyn on the rebounds.  So I got to use my line "Get her off her back!"  Right at the end Ashlyn came over to throw the ball in and I told her "You DO NOT let that big girl get the ball, NO MATTER WHAT!"  She smiled and said "No way, she's NOT getting it!"  At the end there was like ten seconds left and we had the ball and all us parents were a nervous wreck that they were going to steal the ball and dribble down and score and then little Destiny threw up a freakin prayer and banked it in.  Ohhh Destiny, who can't make a wide open lay-up to save her life but consistently makes them from around half court...  So we were up 14-11 with five seconds left.  And every single person on our side jumped up and screamed at the same time and then it was over.  I have never, never seen a group of girls so excited.  Well, maybe I have, but not from the perspective of a parent whose kid is participating.  They were running and yelling and hugging and it was just chaos.  Shut those Wall people up, let me tell you.

Ashlyn did awesome.  She played that big girl so well, and she even started anticipating, which helped her get four steals right at the end and keep them from getting a chance to shoot and score.  She also held her own with the rebounding.  I think she's the best defensive player they have.  We just need to work on her offense.  I don't think it occurs to her to dribble...she just stands there and either shoots or passes.

And they are the champions!  There are just no words, people, no words.  I am so happy right now I am actually thinking I don't need the pills anymore.  Oh, the excitement to be had in 3rd grade basketball!  Who knew?  Who knew?  It's the stuff movies are made of.  Hoosiers?  Let me tell you, they got nothin' on us...NOTHIN'! 

More proof

"Look! I can make my stomach stick out....JUST LIKE POPS!!"

And you think they don't remember you...

"Ha ha!  Owen you are so funny!"

"Yeah, I know...HEY!  You know what's really funny?"

"No, what?"

"That thing Pops wears on his face while he's sleeping.  HA HA HA HA!  Man, that is FUN-EE!"

Fingers crossed

CONGRATULATIONS to one of my best friends in the whole wide world, Sherri, who recently found out she is going to have another baby!  

This is thrilling for several reasons.  Firstly, it will be her 4th kid!  WooHoo!  I mean, WHAT is that girl thinking?  Somebody needs to sit her down and explain how these things happen.  Hmmm, probably shouldn't be me...  Secondly, Sherri has 3 boys.  Yes.  Three.  Boys.  Today, as Owen ran around the backyard enjoying 80 degree weather and stopping only to PEE ON THE BUSHES I had a mild panic attack that one day my tubal might fail me.  

So here's hoping this one's a GIRL!!  

Snuggle buddies

So one day I freaked out and was all "Beds, we need beds! Look at all these kids! We need more beds!" So Scott took me to the store and we bought beds. Bunk beds, trundle beds, crib beds, toddler beds, all sorts of beds. Then we came home with all the beds and I freaked out and was all "Where are we going to put all these beds? There is not enough space for all these beds!" And we arranged beds and rearranged beds. Hours were spent planning arrangements of beds and accompanying pieces of furniture and the giant mass of crap that exists in their rooms apart from the beds and the furniture. And DO THEY FIT LIKE THIS? And WHAT IF WE MOVED THEM OVER HERE? And WOULD IT MAKE THE ROOM LOOK TOTALLY CRAMPED IF WE PUT THEM LIKE THIS? And DO YOU THINK IF WE PUT ALL THESE BEDS IN THESE ROOMS THEY WILL HAVE ANY SENSE OF PERSONAL SPACE?

Eventually we just said to hell with it and we shoved the beds into the rooms and bought sheets and blankets and quilts for them all. We put them in their beds, tucked them in, and kissed them good night.

Now, remind me again what all those beds were for?

Parenting syles

"Did Ashlyn tell you some boy at school today called her fat?"

"Yeah, I told her he probably said it because he likes her or something. What did you tell her?"

"I told her he probably said it because he's a dumbass."

Happy Birthday Ashlyn!!

Another day, another birthday around here. I guess that's pretty much what happens when you have 47 kids.

Today Ashlyn turned 9 years old and to celebrate we went bowling at Thede Bowling Center on base. We took 5 other kids with us besides ours, bringing the grand total of kids to 9, meaning we had to drive both cars to get everyone there. There were 3 girls from Ashlyn's class, one little sister who was Haley's age, and one little brother that was Owen's age. See how nicely that worked out? And those of you who know me, who really know me, know I totally planned it that way. It was cosmic bowling, meaning they turned out the lights and everything glowed and they played music really loud, which was nice because I couldn't hear myself think, let alone hear the kids arguing about who was going to go first and who was winning and all that crap.

We don't usually do birthday parties around here, not because we're anti-social or anything, but I tried to do one when Ashlyn turned 2 in Alaska and I invited all the kids of all the people we knew and they all came and when we tried to sing Happy Birthday to Ashlyn she freaked out and climbed under the table and wouldn't come back out. So I didn't try again until she turned 6 and we had a bowling party in Rome while Scott was in Afghanistan. That one I blame on the fact that Scott was gone and I was trying entirely too hard to overcompensate, along with the one I had for Haley that same year, the one at the seafood restaurant where I brought in 20 pizzas, which I blame on the fact that the medication hadn't entirely kicked in yet. Other than that we just haven't had one really, I guess I just figure I can take the money I would spend on the party and buy alcohol presents with it and it all evens out and I don't have to clean my house or entertain a bunch of kids. And it's a lot quieter.

I took some pictures today, but they didn't really turn out. Most of them are blurry, and the ones that aren't blurry are just pictures of Skylar's hand, because every time I tried to take a picture she would reach and try to grab the camera. But it was fun times, especially when the little boy told us he needed to go to the bathroom because he had to pee so bad his eyes were watering. And Ashlyn got some nice gifts, and she even got this, because obviously that mother HATES ME, and wants me to suffer some kind of awful, prolonged painful death.

So we're home now, after 3 hours of bowling fun, and I'm pooped. Maybe it's because there were so many kids, or maybe it's because I had a long long week, or maybe it's just because I'm so freakin old. It's very very hard to sit and watch a bunch of kids bowl three games with bumper guards and never get a collective score of at least 175. And my feet hurt, and my back hurts, and my head hurts, but it's over. Everybody had a great time and everybody's face is permanently stained by the green icing on the cupcakes Ashlyn had to have.

Hmmm, I think I'm going to go soak my face in some tequila for a week while.

Here kitty kitty

Reason #56 why Scott hates the new kitten

So I'm thinking "because they left me at home with just that snobby white cat and I was bored" is not going to fly when Scott gets home.

Maybe he's outgrowing it

"Swiper always tries to swipe our stuff!  If you see Swiper, yell Swiper!"

"SWIPER!!"

"What?  Do you see Swiper the sneaky fox?"

"Yes, he's right there!!"

"Where?  Where do you see Swiper?"

"He's RIGHT BEHIND YOU Dora!  Why don't you see him?  Are you SOME KIND OF IDIOT?"  

The bully

There is a girl in Ashlyn's class and, well, she hasn't been in the class the whole year, she's just been in there since she was kicked out of one of the other third grade rooms, and she's bullying everybody.  Ashlyn told me she was 11, and though I've never personally seen her I've heard from other parents that she's only 9 or 10 but that she is freakishly tall.  Ashlyn's teacher told me that she "was not a positive addition" to their class.  Well, want to know how bad it is?

This girl has kicked people and been sent home.  She has hit people and been sent home.  She has thrown things at people.  There is a list of children that are going to be moved out of the classroom should any more incidents occur because there's no place else to put M******, and the kids are scared to death of her.  And she graded one of Ashlyn's papers (apparently the teacher "just cannot find the time" to grade her own papers so she has the kids grade each others) and she changed all the answers to make them wrong.  

Now that little incident led to my first talk with the teacher about M******, and how first of all I think kids grading each others papers is a violation of their privacy (yes, I'm that mother) and second of all she'd better change the grade since Ashlyn didn't miss anything.  So the grade was changed and the teacher told me she guessed she needed to keep a little closer eye on things, and she guessed it wasn't a good idea to let the kids grade the papers.  Well, I guess she's right, maybe because she's the one getting paid for it?  We could talk about why I feel this teacher is incompetent, but there are just too many reasons, the main ones being how she averages 2 absences a week (I'm not even exaggerating), how she never sends any papers home so you can see what's going on, how sometimes she gives the spelling words out on Monday, but sometimes she oops! forgets and doesn't send them until Wednesday, but still tests on Friday, how the class is behind the other classes in every subject, or how she doesn't get substitutes and sometimes the kids sit for 2 HOURS WITH NO TEACHER OR SUPERVISION until someone passes by and notices they are all alone, which is kind of the one I have the biggest problem with.  I've tried to give the lady the benefit of the doubt, but seriously there are several parents who are actively working to get their child moved to another class/teacher this late in the year.  If you want any more details I'll have to call you, because I could really just about write a book here, but anyway, back to this M******....

She has been ugly to Ashlyn on several occasions, from calling her names to telling her to "shut-up".  Let's face it, Ashlyn is kind of a target, because she is the best in her class (read: total big fat nerd) and everybody likes her and she's never in all her years of school pulled a stick or got a conduct mark.  When it first happened I told Ashlyn to buck up and get over it.  People are going to be mean to you, and that's because their lives suck, so don't take it to heart and move on.  So M****** persisted.  Then I told Ashlyn to walk away from her.  Don't go near her, don't go around her, just avoid her and if she tries to talk to you or call you names just walk away.  Well, M****** just followed her.  Next I told Ashlyn that if she did it again for her to say "Look, I'd really appreciate it if you'd just not talk to me.  If you can't be my friend and be nice, then I'd rather not be around you."  Well, yesterday M****** started in on Ashlyn again and Ashlyn gave her my politically correct line.  And M****** told her "Shut-up stupid!  I can talk to you however I want to talk to you!!  And you'll listen or I'll hit you!"  

Um, no no no no no.   

So I asked where the teacher was, and she was in small groups (I have no idea what that is) and she IS NOT TO BE BOTHERED when she is in small groups.  So I asked who was supervising the rest of the class while the teacher was not to be bothered and turns out no one was.  No one was watching the others to make sure they were enjoying a positive learning environment without being bullied around the classroom by M******, who apparently never gets any supervision because no one can control her.  

And well I called up to the school today, to set up a conference, and the teacher's conference time was at 9:40a and she was going to call me because "this is something I'm sure we can handle over the phone" (??) and now it's 12:15 and conference time is long over and she hasn't called.  So that's fine really, she doesn't have to call me, but her and everybody else up at that school better hope and pray M****** doesn't lay a finger on my kid or it'll take me about 2 seconds to be all over them like white on rice or stink on shit or however you want to put it.  'Cause then by God it's ON, and I've taken myself off the pills now and YOU DON'T WANT ANY OF ME.  

She shoots, she SCORES!!

This afternoon in her basketball game Ashlyn scored a basket!  It was the first basket of the game and after it went in she turned and looked right at me.  Her smile was as big as I've ever seen it and she jumped about 3 feet off the ground.  I will never forget the look on her face.  

And I know it was just one basket in just one 3rd grade basketball game in the YMCA's noncompetitive league, but right then, when I saw her realize it was going to go in?  One of my proudest moments, hands down.  

Dance Dance Revolution

The kids absolutely love Dance Dance Revolution. Of course their favorite song is YMCA, and they turn the surround sound ALL THE WAY UP because that drowns out the arguing and complaining coming from whichever one of them doesn't happen to be participating, since there are only 2 players at a time. I'm telling you, this game kills hours of time; it is so amazing at babysitting I think I might marry it.

















And it's really too bad that I was using my Rebel camera and not my Sony Cybershot because my Rebel doesn't do video like the Sony does and right after I took this picture Skylar did a headstand and then spun around like 7 times.

From last weekend

We ended up celebrating Skylar's birthday the weekend after the actual date, since she was so sick with the flu and we really wanted her to be able to enjoy it. We decided at the last minute to get a small cake from the commissary, and I really wanted her to have buttercream icing, because putting whipped icing on a birthday cake, or any cake for that matter, is one of the biggest injustices in the whole wide world. So, unfortunately, the only color icing they had that was buttercream was red. Please keep that in mind and know that no, she is not bleeding profusely from the mouth.

We put Skylar in the highchair and sat the cake in front of her. At first she was like Whatever, but then she took a tiny pinch of frosting and put it in her mouth. As soon as it hit her tongue her whole hand shot out and she grabbed as much as she could hold and shoved it into her face, all the while giving me a look that blatantly said My God woman have you been holding out on me! She demolished the cake, so much so that we didn't get any, but we had some ice cream and shared a little with her. And she loved the ice cream so much that now I cannot take her on the ice cream row at the store because she sees it in the freezer case and tries to fling her little body out of the buggy at it while howling like a banshee. We also cannot eat ice cream in her presence, because she cannot share, she wants it all, and she carries on so much that it ruins the whole ice cream experience for the rest of us.

Anyway, sorry that I didn't post any cake pictures earlier, but I totally forgot about it, and tonight when I was looking for a certain picture I saw them and thought some of you might have wanted to see one. I took this picture right as the sugar was hitting her blood stream, when she was so delirious with happiness she didn't know what to do other than throw her hands over her head and scream WOOHOO CAKE!

And then there were two

Last night before I went to bed Ashlyn came running up to me to tell me that her closet smelled awful.  I went in and checked and sure enough, Jet had peed in there.  I know it was Jet because the other two cats were in the room with us.  Then, this morning the girls got up to get ready for school and Haley picked up her shirt that she had laid out and it was covered in pee.  Plus there was more poop in the den floor.  

I called the vet and talked to them and they told me the cat had a behavior problem and it was only going to get worse.  They advised me to bring the cat back to them.  I tried to get the cat to sit with me on the couch so I could pet him a little and he tried to scratch my eyes out.  Then, when I tried to get him into the kennel he got me really good, and now I have scratches all up both of my arms (I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt).  So I took him back to the vet, and I felt so bad about it I almost cried.  And the lady at the vet told me not to worry about it at all, that they had had the same problems with the cat before they let me take him.

Um, what?

I guess I am just really upset that I was misled.  I mean, they told me he was the sweetest cat, with the best disposition, just a wonderful little lap cat.  Then, when I take him back they give me a laundry list of problems they had with him while he was living there.  It's all for the best that we took him back, and now I've spent the better part of the day trying to get the ammonia smell from the cat pee out of Ashlyn's closet and room and off the couch.  And oh my gosh it's bad.  Hmmm...maybe I'll get a new couch out of the deal! 

On a good note, Amber and I have been discussing my love of Carino's Romano Chicken and she was like "Well, why don't you make it?  Just put in some of this and that and this and blah blah blah..." so I found a jar of sun-dried tomatoes at WalMart and made it tonight and it tasted so much like Carino's I almost cried.  Seriously.  It was that good.  So the next time anybody comes to visit us I'll make you some.  Promise.   

Stupid by association

"Owen!  What in the world are you doing?  Why are you doing that?"

"I don't know."

"SCOTT!  What is wrong with your son?  Why is he doing that?"

"Well my God Jennifer, you've got him dressed in a Chad Johnson shirt.  He can't help but be a dumbass." 

Cat-astrophe

This cat, Jet?  He has decided to really step up operation TakeMeBackIDon'tWantToLiveWithYou and now he is NO LONGER POOPING IN THE LITTER BOX, which is the only place in this house designated for cat pooping.  He also refuses to keep his collar on, which is making me crazy, not because there is any real need for the cat to wear a collar, but because I decided to put one on him and by golly I AM IN CHARGE here and if I say to wear a collar, you wear a collar until I decide differently.  

Honestly, I'm getting over the collar part of this, since Jet has extremely long hair and you can't see the collar anyway.  Also, the collar has a bell because really, what self-respecting cat collar doesn't, and nighttime is the only time that cat does much of anything, and a bell, even a very small bell, can make a LOT of noise when you are trying to sleep.  So I'm okay with him not wearing the collar.  I guess.  

But now come on!  What in the world am I supposed to do about this pooping problem?  I'm not sure how you fix this.  The cat started off using the litter box and he must still be peeing in there because there's no pee anyplace else.  So maybe he's decided to use the litter box exclusively for peeing? I don't think I need to say this but I CANNOT HAVE CAT POOP ALL OVER MY HOUSE.  Now who out there knows what to do?     

The first defeat

Ashlyn's little basketball team lost for the first time this year on Saturday. I'm not sure of the score, because I lost track there at the end, but it was close, maybe 3 or 5 points. Ashlyn didn't seem to mind too badly, and I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful I managed to make it through a loss without showing my butt, much like one of the mothers from the other team did.

Her daughter was the point guard for their team, and her husband was one of the coaches. The girl was on the smallish side, but she was a pretty good little ball handler as far as third graders go. See, our point guard, D****** is good, but she kind of just gets out there and plays miniature street ball. She's a kid that you watch and think that while she's tearing it up in this league, she's probably not going to be any good when she gets to high school unless she learns some fundamental ball handing skills. And the entire game her dad is standing on the side of the court absolutely screaming at her.  I kind of feel bad for her.

So the point guard on the other team was dribbling to the basket and she was going to shoot a lay-up, and D****** is running to catch up with her and her dad is yelling for her to GET HER! GET HER! and D******'s feet got tangled up with the other girl's feet and the girl fell.  Hard.  And then she skidded a little bit.  Now I have to say if it had been my kid, I'm not entirely sure what I would have done.  I'd like to think I would have been concerned for my child, you know, like whether or not she was bleeding or had broken her arm, and everything else that was happening would have been secondary.  But this girl's mom and dad?  Oh my gosh they went straight on the court (her mother came out of the stands) and went after the referees.  At that point Scott looked at me and said "Oh yeah!  We're about to see somebody get thrown out of the gym!"  

Nobody got thrown out, but one of the referees, a girl, did get a little snotty with the mother, but I really don't blame her.  After all, it's not the referees fault that somebody got fouled.  They  were trying to make sure everybody was okay and the little girl was just howling and D******'s dad was all "Good job!" (I though that was in poor taste) and the mother was out on the court just carrying on and really showing her butt.  To make matters worse all the parents on their side were encouraging her to make a scene.  

But then I thought about it some more, and actually I think we're all lucky she didn't go after D******'s dad, who was really being a jackass about the whole thing.  Well, everybody calmed down and the girl was okay and then we lost.  Ashlyn shot one time, and it was an air ball.  It was on-line, only it was a little short.  But I swear, I'm going to these games and watching and they're not even keeping score, and I'm so nervous I have to take a pill.  What in the world am I going to do when she gets to middle school ball?       

I really should know better

Friday both Frosty and Dixie had appointments at the vet. Frosty needed his yearly shots and Dixie needed her first set of shots plus I wanted to get her checked for feline leukemia just to be on the safe side since we found her in a germ hole. When Scott called to tell me that he couldn't come home to watch Owen and Skylar I should have rescheduled the appointment. I should have known that if I was taking Owen, Skylar, and the two cats someplace in the car by myself I might as well invite Trouble to ride along in the front seat with me. But I am strong. I live far away from family. I have no one to watch my kids for me while I do mundane everyday tasks like take animals to get shots so I take them with me. Actually, it doesn't really occur to me that there should be someone to watch my kids while I do things. They are just always with me. Plain and simple.

So it took three tries to get Frosty and Dixie into the kennel, as we currently only have one and they were having to share against their will. Then, after I finally managed to get the door shut there was a massive cat fight in there. I guess nobody won because after it was over they were both plastered up against opposite ends of the kennel and neither of them looked like they were bragging so I put the kennel in the backseat beside Skylar.

And oh my gosh does Frosty hate the car. I knew he hated the car, but it's been a year since he'd been in the car and I had kind of hoped he would get better about it but no such luck. As soon as we started backing up he started screeching. Just over and over and over screeching like I was killing him and it totally freaked Skylar out, so I'm trying to drive the car really fast (but safely) to the vet and Owen's asking nonstop questions about why is Frosty making all that noise and how is Frosty making all that noise and what in the world is wrong with Frosty and on and on and somehow I managed not to drive the car off a cliff to avoid being overcome by all the screeching and all the questions. Probably what saved us is there are no cliffs between our house and the vet.

We got to the vet and first I put Skylar in the stroller. Then I got Owen out of the car. Then I got the kennel out. Has anybody seen the movie Christmas Vacation? Where the grandma shows up at the house with a present and it turns out she wrapped up her cat in the box? And Chevy Chase is holding the present by the bow and it's just shaking all over the place all wildly? Anybody? Because THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS when you put Frosty and Dixie in the same kennel and then attempt to carry the kennel into the vet. It's bad enough that they are in there together, but then they look through the breathing holes in the sides of the kennel and they see the vet and they LOSE THEIR MINDS. And the vet? Does it have a ramp? Is it handicap/wheelchair/stroller accessible? Apparently not. Because there was no ramp. My stroller doesn't have a bar, it has two handles. So I had to put down the kennel to get Skylar and the stroller up to the door. And the stupid kennel is scooting across the ground away from the vet with the cats' efforts to get as far away as possible. Frosty is all "Oh my God we're at the vet! She's brought us to the vet! This is bad, Dixie, bad. Do what I do!" And there they are inside it, throwing their bodies up against the side, trying to move it back to the car. One, two, GO! One, two, GO!

We made it inside and into an exam room. The lady opened the door on the kennel and cats shot everywhere, let me tell you. Frosty got his shots first and was immediately put back inside. Dixie got her tests done (all were negative) and got her shots and was shoved back inside. Then we went to pay and I was thinking it didn't go as badly as I thought it would go and right then Frosty threw up inside the kennel all over Dixie. And Dixie jumped on Frosty and there was another huge cat fight in the kennel in the throw-up. So the good people that work there took both cats and washed them off while I paid and did everything in my power to keep a huge dog from eating Skylar. Then Scott calls me on my cell phone, and asks if I'm done yet, and I'm trying to explain what's happened, trying to get it across to him that my days are filled with things other than good times playing video games and it's so hard to be me and I'm doing the best I can do and the stupid cat threw up all over the other cat and all over the inside of the kennel and Owen is begging me to let him pet the doggie and the lady comes out with my kennel with Frosty and 3 pounds of newspaper shoved inside it and a cardboard kennel with Dixie so we're going to try to get everybody to the car and Scott's all "What do you want for lunch? What do you feel like? Do you want a sandwich, or something else? What do you want me to get you for lunch?" and finally I'm all "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK" and then, then I drop my cell phone.

So now my cell phone won't charge on demand, you have to plug it in and wiggle the plug for, oh, like half an hour and maybe, maybe it will begin to charge, and when you unplug the cord it still says it's charging, which I know is impossible of course, so you have to plug it in again and then unplug it right away so the battery meter quits blinking. Then it shows a full battery, which also must be an evil lie, because if you try to make a call on it the battery immediately drops to empty and the phone begins beeping every few seconds so you're sure to notice that it needs to be plugged in again. And it is PHYSICALLY HURTING ME that my phone is messed up, and what in the world am I going to do if I lose my ability to text message, because text messaging is what makes me whole, and if I don't have your cell phone number you should be glad, because if I had it I'd text you EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE. I think I'm going to have to replace my cell phone, and I'm not really happy about it, and all of this could have been avoided if I'd just stayed home. But now really, where's the fun in that?

Cat sighting

After about 4 days under my bed, Jet has decided to join us. Monday he made his first daytime appearance, and every day since he's spent more and more time around us all, except for Scott, who he continues to avoid like the plague. But I can't say I blame him, as Scott does not care for cats in the least, cannot even pretend to like cats for my benefit, cannot even try to pretend. In this picture you can kind of see where Jet was shaved from about mid-back down. Though it is growing back in quite nicely, it sort of resembles a reverse mullet.












Here's where the story gets a little complicated. I didn't think Jet was going to make it. I was seriously afraid he was going to starve himself to death in protest of living with us and I was planning on taking him back. So last Sunday the girls and I went to an animal rescue place in Vancourt, Texas. I can't even begin to explain the circumstances the animals were living in at her house, but simply put there were 31 cats and 57 dogs-I am NOT EVEN LYING-living in this tiny filthy house with this filthy lady. It's kind of a situation where I feel like if someone called animal services this place would be shut down due to cruelty to animals. The house was beyond horrid, with crushed litter, animal poop, food, and pee-covered newspapers all over the floors. There were pens made of chicken wire in the living room filled with dogs covered in dirt and poop. Bags of cat food were spread out on the floor and the cats had chewed holes in the bags and were eating out of them. Water bowls looked like they hadn't been changed in months. Bags of litter were stacked in random places and those had been clawed through also and cats had just pooped on what had leaked out of the holes. There was cat throw-up and poop on the counters in the kitchen. If I had not saved at least one animal from that house I think God would have struck me down as I drove away. And if it sounds bad to you, believe me, it was SO MUCH WORSE.

So anyway, much to Scott's dismay, we now also have a kitten named Dixie.

Skylar turns 1

Today Skylar is 1 year old. And what a year it's been! I have to admit I had my doubts early on as to whether or not we were going to keep her, what with all the screaming, and then there was the screaming, followed by more screaming, but we all hung in there and she made it.

She's not walking yet, but she will take 2 steps on her own and up to 4 if you really turn on the coaxing. She has given up the bottle completely, as bottles are for babies, and she is a big girl! So big, in fact, that she is too good to eat baby food, even the toddler ravioli that I've tried to pass off as big girl food. For breakfast she east two, count 'em TWO, packets of maple and brown sugar oatmeal. For lunch she usually has some chicken and corn and peas or small carrots, and one time, though I'm sooo sorry to admit this, she even had a hot dog. For dinner she eats whatever we are eating. She only has 8 teeth, so we cut it really small and she crams it all in her mouth and we call it good. Skylar loves "cookies" which are really ritz wheat crackers, and she can eat 11, yes 11, mini strawberry pancakes at one sitting. All she drinks is whole milk with a little bit of ovaltine or ice water, which is her favorite. But I think she just likes the sound the ice makes beating against the inside of the sippy cups when she shakes it.

Skylar is quite the talker, which is good because I know exactly what I need is another kid running their mouth around here, and she jabbers constantly. She's also extremely nosy, and right now she's trying her hardest to open a box that the UPS man left here even though it goes to our neighbors' house. She also spends a lot of time trying to make long distance phone calls.

All in all, she's really wonderful, especially if you don't count the moments when you say "No!" and she throws herself face down on the floor and pitches a fit for the ages. I guess sometimes some of the best things in life really are the things you don't plan.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SKYLAR!!!

I truly think we are getting better at this. We have the hot chicks on guitar, the surly guy, and the baby-licious backup dancer.

Tagged

I have been tagged by Amy to answer these questions. And yes, I think doing these things is a little stupid, but I do them. Why? FOR MY FRIENDS. I'm not going to be the griper who spoils the party. And also because you will all lead a better life just knowing these extra tidbits about me.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. I sold cell phones
2. I pretty much ran a dry cleaners
3. I was a Branch Office Administrator at Edward Jones
4. I worked at a bank as a teller and also balanced the ATM machines

Movies I have watched more than once
1. Sense and Sensibility
2. Practical Magic
3. Road Trip
4. Cars

Four Places I have lived
1. Rome, Georgia
2. Cleveland, Tennessee
3. Fairbanks, Alaska
4. Honolulu, Hawaii

Four T.V. Shows that I watch
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Biggest Loser
3. Project Runway
4. Brothers and Sisters

Four places I have been
1. Jamaica
2. Bahamas
3. Disneyworld
4. Disneyland

Four People who e-mail me (regularly)
1. Scott
2. Tina Chester (the Colonel's wife)
3. The people at Overstock.com send roughly 3 a day
4. Amber

Four favorite foods
1. Peach Cobbler
2. Kung Pao Chicken
3. anything from Quiznos
4. spaghetti

Four Favorite Beverages
1. water
2. sweet tea
3. dr. pepper
4. tequila (just thought I'd throw that in there)

Four Places I would like to visit
1. Tampa (I would like to visit for 2 years)
2. Seattle
3. Mexico
4. Europe

Four friends I am tagging to do this
1. Katie M
2. Lucinda H
3. Amy P
4. Jin P

Things you may not know about me
1. I tend to be OC
2. I thread needles and sew with my left hand
3. I'm probably the best multi-tasker you'll ever meet
4. I'm pregnant (oh ha ha ha, just seeing if you're paying attention)

Things I am looking forward to in the coming month & Year
1. moving in June
2. Scott's command being over and done with
3. Owen going to school every day
4. Brian and Jenny's baby coming

It's gonna be a very merry birthday

Tomorrow is Skylar's 1st birthday.  Today we found out Skylar has the flu.  Which is great news, considering the fact that at first they were positive she had RSV.  Of course today was a holiday for the clinic on post, so I had to take her to the walk-in medi-center across from the WalMart, and sit in a room with the sickest people on the face of the earth, people who were coughing up lungs and God knows what else all around us, and had the nerve to give me funny looks as I sat there with Skylar's blanket covering her whole head, a la Blanket Jackson  (only there were no balconies involved).  And she's so sick, and it's terrible, and she can barely hold her head up, and some stupid, stupid woman sitting a few seats down says "Oh, the poor thing.  Have you tried tylenol?"  Um, have you tried to be a dumbass or is it just happening? 

We waited for an hour and then I was given a bunch of papers to fill out.  I did the best I could while holding a screaming baby and shortly after that they called us to do the screening part where they ask why you are there.  I explained about the runny nose, and the coughing, and the crying, and the more crying, and the fever, so they checked her fever via armpit and it was 102.8.  This allowed us to jump to the very front of the line of almost dead people in the waiting room.  We got a room and from there it went downhill quickly.  

Her heart rate was 200 bpm, which is waaaay too high.  Her respirations were 42 per minute, which is waaaay too many.  And her oxygen levels were 94, which is a little too low.  Both her ears were red--double ear infection.  They wanted to do a breathing treatment.  They wanted to check her for RSV.  Skylar didn't like the bandaid on her toe counting the oxygen, Skylar didn't like the cotton swab they stuck up her nose to check for RSV.  And then they poured tylenol down her throat, waited 20 minutes and then stuck a thermometer up her booty--103.7.  Well, that really got them moving.  The RSV was negative.  Another swab up the nose for the flu test.  Which was positive.  And the fast heart rate, high respirations, etc?  Those were signs she was dehydrated.  So she needed to be admitted into the hospital.  

Problem?  Of course!  The people at the medi-center can't admit to the hospital.  Dr. Nance, the pediatrician on post won't admit to the hospital without seeing the kid first, and she was off today.  So they sent me to Dr. Acton, a pediatrician through the hospital.  They called him and told them I was coming.  I was to go straight there.  He would treat her for the ear infection and get her into the hospital.  Only when I got there I was told they no longer accept my insurance and wouldn't see me.  They sent me to the ER.

I got to the ER and waited for over an hour, all the time thinking the longer we sit and wait the more dehydrated she'll get and then her kidney's will start failing.  (Because that's what I do.  I prepare myself for the absolute worst, so I'm usually pleasantly surprised.  I have lots of gray hair, but I'm surprised and happy.)  When they finally screened us I gave them the paper from the medi-center and boy did those people start moving.  We were given a room right away and the doctor came right in.  He checked Skylar out and said she did not need to be admitted, as she was producing massive quantities of tears at the time which lead him to believe she was not dehydrated.  But she needed medicine for her ears, so she got a shot in her leg.  Bless her heart, her fever was finally starting to break and she was feeling a little better and a nurse comes in with Dora on her scrubs and Skylar immediately recognized Dora and pointed, smiled and said "Oooooh!"  And then the mean lady poked a needle in her leg, which has no doubt cemented pure hate in Skylar's heart towards Dora the Explorer.  

So let me tell you, as if all this wasn't bad enough, I get home and find Scott doing the laundry.  By himself.  Which means that he decided on all the color breakdowns on his own as well as the water temperatures.  Which shoots my nerves all the way to hell again.  And I knows it's bad when he empties the dryer and uses his body to physically shield the bushel from me so I can't see exactly what is in it.  

If Skylar's fever spikes again before Wednesday I'm to bring her back to the ER immediately.  She also has to see the doctor next week for a follow-up on her ears.  What a way to turn 1!.  I guess we won't celebrate her birthday tomorrow night unless she feels better, but I don't think she'll get past all this quite that quickly.  So we'll have to wait until the weekend, and hopefully she'll be better then. 

Oh, if you want to do something special for Skylar because it's her special day and she feels like crap, send her a balloon.  Skylar loves balloons.  She grabs the strings and yanks them around for hours.  Or you could send her Guitar Hero II with the guitar for the playstation.  She mentioned a while back that she's really wanting one of those.  Apparently she was talking with Sgt. Hines and he was telling her how great and grand it was and now she just won't shut up talking about it.  So...yeah...a balloon or Guitar Hero II...your call. 

Rescue Cat

Today after I picked up the girls from school we rescued a cat from an animal clinic. The cat was found in a parking lot, lying in the sun, trying desperately to pull itself into the shade using only his front two paws. The vet clinic nursed it back to health and over time he regained full use of his back legs. They told me that the first bowel movement he had after coming to the clinic was nothing but bug carcases, which just broke my heart. Since then he has been living at the clinic and no one has adopted it because he was over a year old and most people want kittens. Now he is somewhere around 18 months. But he has the sweetest disposition, they told me, and he loves to sit in your lap and be petted, and he loves all the kids that bring in their animals for check-ups and shots.

We already have a cat, Frosty, and he is the snobbiest cat on the face of the planet. As long as I give him a can of cat food every morning at 7:10am he doesn't give a rip whether I live or die. He won't sit with you, won't let you pet him, nothing. Very unpersonable. All Frosty will do is be a pain in your ass (and my mother swears he taunts her dogs when she comes to visit but I've never witnessed that so I don't know). He's also pretty, but he's so pretty you want to pet him, you want to love on him, and he's all ABSOLUTELY NOT. So the fact that this cat was essentially a lap cat was appealing.

Well, let me tell you, we've been home from the clinic for around 6 hours and this stupid cat won't even come out of the cat kennel. He's just sitting in there with the door open, eyes as wide as plates, thinking "What the hell did I do to deserve this madness?" I got him out and he sat with me on the couch for about an hour, and I was thrilled, but it was almost like he was holding his breath the entire time. I mean, he hates us. I called the clinic and they said cats take a while to adjust and if he wasn't better by Monday to bring him back.

And the cat heard me tell the kids if he wouldn't come out on his own and adapt by Monday we'd have to take him back, because I'm afraid he'll die of sadness or something, so he's in there just biding his time, waiting for Monday to come, and Skylar crawled all the way in the kennel with him, and then got stuck, and that further traumatized everybody. We have not named him yet, because no one can agree, and Owen won't discuss any names other than Lightning McQueen, and nobody else wants that name, so he doesn't want any of their names, and so on and so on and right now Skylar is attempting to climb on top of the kennel and I think this cat is going to have a heart attack.

He's super cute though, even though the back half of his body is shaved, not to the skin or anything, but it's definitely shorter than the front half, because it was all matted. It's growing out and should catch up soon. He's all black except for his nose and his feet, and no, we are not naming him Socks or Boots because Ashlyn doesn't like the name Socks or Boots, she likes the name Mittens, and I'm not naming the cat Mittens because all I'm doing is trying to give it a name, not make it gay. He also has big, pretty eyes which we've seen a lot of because he's afraid to blink around us. I want so badly to smother this cat with love and make it delirious with happiness, but I'm not really sure he's going to let me. I'm going to keep trying though, so hopefully by this weekend I'll have a cat to sit on my lap and purr and help me balance my margarita glass while we watch some football. Oh good grief, I'm just kidding! I don't watch football!

I told you she had bad hair

I mean, look at her hair! And she's not even scared!

First basketball game of 2008

Ashlyn had her first basketball game of the year on Saturday. She is on a new team this year with a new coach and is absolutely loving it. Last year's team was very rag-tag and the only thing the coach taught them was to pass the ball to her daughter. Also, some of the kids, due to the lack of coaching, thought that when they had the ball and the coach's daughter was not playing their only option was to shoot or stand cowered over surrounded by the other team. Last year was maddening for me, because I just think there are some parts of the game that are so elemental it should be easy to get kids to do them. Like, oh, I don't know, PASS THE BALL!

This year Ashlyn's coach is named Tom, and I'm not sure of his last name other than it's hard to say, especially with a drawl, so I'm not going to try. His granddaughter Taylor plays on the team, and last year she did not make a single basket all year long. Well, she made one Saturday. Yay Taylor! She was so excited she almost started crying. Well, it was either the excitement or she may have gotten hurt when all the girls mobbed her.

Coach Tom is a wonderful coach. He has taught them defense, which was never covered by last year's coach. In the YMCA league you cannot play defense until the ballhandler gets to half court, so he taught them how to break a half court press. He also stresses stopping the ball, because they play man-to-man, and the girls will let someone dribble right past them and shoot a lay-up because it's not their man. So he has shown them to stop the ball until help gets there and then you can go back to your man. Ashlyn is learning so much! They also have plays. Do they execute them? Well, no, but they have them if they are needed. Ashlyn plays shooting guard, like I did. And the other girls? They pass the ball. They love to pass the ball. They are the passingest group of people I've ever seen. So everybody gets a chance almost every time they have the ball.

So Saturday we went to the game and of course I sat right on the front row so I could take pictures and yell. I can't wait for her to get into an actual competitive league so I can yell at the referees to "my God get her off her back!" or "Get your head out of your ass and blow your freakin whistle!" Huh? What's that Ashlyn? I'm embarrassing you? Well, of course I'm embarrassing you, THAT'S WHY I CAME.

In the YMCA league they don't keep score on the scoreboard because they don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, which doesn't work because everybody just keeps it in their head. After the game I told Ashlyn I thought they had won and she immediately said "Oh, yeah, we won, 14-4." Last year she wouldn't have known that, and it tells me she's getting more competitive. And at one point she had the ball and a girl from the other team tried to slap it away from her and the look Ashlyn gave her almost killed her on the spot. I'm just sayin', nothing brings me joy like seeing little Ashlyn getting all fiesty over a basketball. I was so proud I nearly exploded.

I'm waiting for Zach and Cody to get arrested

"You haven't heard?  I can't believe it!  Hannah Montana has been using body doubles.  I just can't believe it.  I feel so let down."

"Well, you know she's just doing what her handlers tell her to do, so it's not really her fault."

"I know, but still...  I mean, first Britney let me down, and now it's Hannah.  If this keeps up I'm not going to have any heroes left."

"I know.  What are we going to do?"

(silence)

"God, We really need to get a life."

Trying a different angle

"Mama, can we get a llama?  We should get a llama.  I looove llamas!"

"NO!  We can not have a llama!  I'm sorry, but I just cannot buy a llama."

"Oh that's okay Mama.  You can just get me a hamster."

This doesn't tell me anything

Okay, so apparently there is one job for a captain in Tampa and that job has been offered to another guy.  But that other guy is trying to get a different special job in DC and if he is offered the DC job he will take that one and then the job in Tampa can be Scott's.  

No, I do not know the probability of the other guy getting offered the job in DC.  

No, I do not know when anybody in DC will decide whether or not they are offering the other guy the special job.

Yes, I am a fountain of useless information, so any further questions should probably not be directed at me.    

My talk about the birds and bees

Yesterday I took Ashlyn to the eye doctor to get some contacts.  Yes, she is a little on the youngish side for contacts, but her eyes are getting worse very very quickly and the eye doctor thinks that contacts is the best way to slow it down.  So we got some toric lenses, for her astigmatism and whatnot, and I paid out of pocket because I am the only person in America that Tricare doesn't seem to work for.  It seems their system was down so they couldn't verify something they needed to verify and my referral wasn't good enough, it only works for all the other people who get them and blah blah blah kiss my ass, here's your stupid $200.  While we were waiting Ashlyn was reading People magazine.

"Mama, look!"  And she shows me a picture with the caption:  Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant at 16

I have been very careful to shield this little tidbit of info from Ashlyn, as she is more of a thinker than Haley, and I knew there would be questions.  She watches Zoey 101 though (and boy is that show unrealistic), so she knew immediately who it was.  

"How do you get pregnant when you are 16?"

"Uh, the same way you get pregnant when you are 30."

"Well, how's that?"

"How about I tell you when you are 30?"

"You said you get married and then God gives you a baby.  Is she married?"

"No, she's not married."

"So how did she get pregnant?"

"Uh...Hey!!  Are you excited about getting contacts or what?"

Why I'm never, ever bored

"Mama, here's a phone number for you."

"Haley, what is this number for?"

"Greenbags."

"What?"

"Greenbags. They have them on tv. You buy them to put your fruits and vegetables in. And you know what? If your fruits and vegetables usually go bad quickly in your fridge these bags can make them last up to 9 days."

"Wow."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. They said 9 days and I was all like, 9 whole days? I need to get that number!  Oh, and I also got the number for this bag that holds everything!  And it's all so easy to find!  You'll never have to dig for your cell phone again!"

Electrical outlet not necessary

Skylar's hair situation is getting progressively worse.
She gets it from Scott, you know. I mean, my hair is straight.

4-Wheelin'

This year Owen wanted Santa to bring him a Power Wheels. It was all he asked for besides a tattoo (I don't even have the strength to address that one), and the week before Christmas I got all nervous that WalMart might be all sold out of the blue 4-wheeler that Owen wanted more than life itself, and where oh where in the world was Santa going to get one, because who knew if there was sufficient time to get to Abilene and even if there was, WOULD THEY HAVE THEM THERE? WHAT WOULD WE DO IF SANTA COULD NOT FIND A BLUE 4-WHEELER POWER WHEELS? But by gosh Santa came through, and I'm glad, because I haven't been this nervous about a Santa related item since the whole mermaid fiasco back in Hawaii, when I thought Santa or Mrs. Claus one was going to have to get into a knock down drag out over a baby doll that could get in the bathtub with Ashlyn.

Our Christmas Slideshow

Here are some of the pictures that were taken over Christmas.

(note: If you sent a gift to us and you do not see it represented in a picture, please do not be offended. We got your gift, we opened your gift, and we really really appreciate your gift because it's one less thing I have to buy these selfish, selfish children.)