Haley's mini-me

It turns out if you're not passed out drunk someplace you actually can have quite a bit of time to get creative so, when not obsessively putting all the food in the pantry into some type of tupperware container (a story for another time), I made Skylar a cheerleading uniform that looks just like Haley's.  I didn't have a pattern, I just had to look at Haley's and then draw it out and shrink it down so it would fit Skylar, and I was rushing to finish it so instead of doing the Wildcats on the front I decided to just embroider a JES because it would be quicker, but other than that they are identical.  Skylar loves it and naturally she is the star whenever I take her to the football games and she wears it.  She does not join in the cheering, however, she has no free time to deal with all that nonsense when she could be sitting on the bleachers shoving popcorn into her face. 

My girls.  

I have also been sewing some other stuff, and maybe one day I'll put some pictures on here to prove it, and also maybe I'll put some pictures on here of the dining room, which looks very much like what Hancock Fabrics would look like if a bomb went off in the middle of the store.  And then maybe we can talk about Friday, when I had to get four dresses made, and Jenny was over here with her kids distracting me helping, and God made all the toilets suddenly blow up and flood the bathrooms and hallway.  

So there's water everywhere, and the dog's in it, and the cat's in it, and the kids are in it, and I'm trying to use a plunger, which I don't think I've ever used in my entire life, and I'm yelling at Jenny "Which way turns off the water?" and she's standing there screaming "LEFTY LOOSEY RIGHTY TIGHTY!" and I'm all "WHAT THE HELL are you talking about?"  So I'm plunging, and with every plunge the plunger turns inside out, which is kind of a pisser because you have to touch it to get it right side out again, and after about three times I'm hollering "JENNY!  What in the name of God is wrong with this plunger?" and we decide we've never seen a plunger do that, or maybe we're using it wrong, heck we don't know, so we go get Mrs. Hufstetler, who takes one look at the dining room and nearly drops dead on the spot and Owen decides he's got to go pee (of course) so he goes over to Mrs. Hufstetler's house and on the way back through her kitchen he steals some peanuts.  Honest to God.  He stole an old lady's peanuts.  While she was over here showing his dumbass mother how to use a plunger.  That was my Friday.

Just shoot me.  Please.

Peepers

You should see them whenever I try to pee.

Build A Bear

A couple of weeks ago I took the kids up to Hamilton Place to help celebrate Leeanne's birthday at Build A Bear. I was just looking through my pictures and realized I hadn't posted any pictures of the bears. I think it's really cool, and also a little freaky, that the kids all dressed their bears in totally different ways but each one ended up totally reflecting their own personalities.

Ashlyn's bear is named Katie. Katie is dressed in a very fashionable shirt and jeans ensemble, which is exactly the type of thing Ashlyn wears to school on a daily basis. If any of you are wondering what to send her for Christmas or her birthday, something that looks like this would be perfect.  You may notice that Ashlyn is wearing her glasses in this picture, and she normally has her contacts in.  Well, she is wearing her glasses because they called from the school on Wednesday to tell me she had pink eye and I needed to come get her immediately.  So I go to pick her up and am informed that she cannot come back to school until she has a note from a doctor saying she's been on antibiotic eye drops for at least 24 hours.  I called the doctor to make an appointment and the only appointment they had was for 2:15, and yes, Owen still gets out of school at 2:30.  After several phone calls my aunt Chris (of the house in Alabama with the vicious frog) picked him up from school, which I will talk about in a minute.  And you know what?  She didn't have pink eye.  And you know what else?  I didn't take in the diaper bag because I am a moron and Skylar pooped the second we got in there and let me tell you it didn't smell like roses.  But I'm glad she didn't have pink eye because that means all of us would have gotten it and if I can't wear my contacts then shit around here is just going to stop dead because I have no glasses now that Skylar grabbed them and ripped them apart.  She's really great like that...have I mentioned how great she is? 

Owen's bear is named Scout.  He is dressed like a baseball player.  Owen's entire life revolves around this t-ball stuff and it was a no-brainer that his bear get these particular clothes.  And it seems that Owen has some admirers up at Wake Forest, and to that he says "Hellooooo Ladies!"  Then he makes some crazy sound and makes a hand motion like he's cracking a whip.  I have no idea what that's about...  Anyway, on Wednesday my aunt had to pick him up and I was afraid he was going to go to pieces when I didn't show up because our whole entire morning conversations are based around "Mama will be back to pick you up at 2:30 Owen.  2:30.  I promise.  2:30.  It's only a little while.  I would never leave you, Owen, I will be there to pick you up at 2:30, now please come down off the roof."  I had the entire school and the entire Fire Department on alert for whatever his reaction might be when Chris got there to get him.  And the little guy was so excited to see her he couldn't stand himself.  And he went willingly.  And he asked me later why different people couldn't pick him up every day instead of me.  And guess what.  He hasn't cried at school since.  We have had four glorious days of walking into school and walking back out just like all the other parents, with no incidents.  If he makes it five days he gets the fishing game.  If he makes it ten I just might be able to give up my morning double shot of tequila. 

Skylar's bear is named Molly and from time to time she actually shows a little interest in it.  It's not her favorite thing though, her favorite thing is screaming loudly.  Her bear is wearing a cute top and some pink pants that look like some of the stuff Skylar has in her closet.  The shirt says "I'm Glamorous" and of course so is Skylar.  I mean, how can you have hair like that and not be glamorous? 

And leave it to Haley to take an innocent little bear and dress it up like Britney Spears.  But really, did you expect anything else?

The eye of the storm

See how adorable she looks? See how she looks so fun, like such a happy, well-adjusted 20 month old who's nothing but a joy to be around? SHE'S KIDDING.

Where is the love?

And shortly after the Happy Birthday Brian video, Heidi got her ass kicked. Again.

Owen fielding

Future Gold Glove winner

Owen hitting

For those of you with lives that do not include sitting at tball games watching a group of kids stand around with no idea whatsoever, here's a taste of what you're missing.

Happy Birthday Brian!

Today The Lawyer turned 31. Being the thoughtful big sister I am, I got him this video.

The Tattle Book

I have instituted a Tattle Book here at the house to help alleviate all the listening to whining I have to do.  I got the idea from Jenny, who was having a hard time talking to me on the phone because I kept having to interrupt her to say "I don't care what (so-and-so) did!" and "If you are not bleeding then I don't want to hear about it!"  And she's all What you need is a Tattle Book and she proceeds to tell me how wonderful this little book will make my life.

Today we were at the Dollar Store (one of my favorite places ever) and I picked up a notebook, came home and explained the Tattle Book Rules to Ashlyn, Haley and Owen:  

1. The Tattle Book here is designed to be a place to vent your frustrations about your siblings without bringing them all to Mama and killing her buzz.

2. You can write about whatever you want to write about in The Tattle Book without fear of retribution from me.  Probably because I'm never going to bother reading it.

3. You cannot confront someone for writing about you in The Tattle Book.  If you have a problem with something in The Tattle Book, write about it in The Tattle Book.

4. If you cannot spell a word do the best you can, don't ask me how to spell it.  I'll figure it out.  If you have no idea at all, draw a picture.

5. If Owen wants to write about Ashlyn, Haley must help him.  If he wants to write about Haley, Ashlyn must help him.

We have had The Tattle Book for two hours now.  No one here has talked to me for two hours.  The Tattle Book has three full pages of crap written in it, including:

1. Owen called me a butt.  --Ashlyn

2. Ashlyn called me a punk.  --Owen

3. Owen threw a stick at your car.  --Haley

4. Owen said a bad word.  He said stupid.  --Haley

5. Haley pushed me and then I twisted my knee.  --Ashlyn

6. Haley wouldn't help me get the hamper with all the dirty clothes upstairs.  --Ashlyn

7. I did not want to help Ashlyn and then she started to cry like a baby.  --Haley

8. Ashlyn hurt my feelings.  --Haley

9. Haley pushed me down and I was carrying something for Ashlyn and she almost made me spill it.  --Owen

10. Owen said I was fat.  --Haley

11.  I wish Frosty would die because then we could get another dog like Heidi.  I like Heidi.  I do not like Frosty.  His poop stinks.  --Owen

Let's think about how much time all these silly problems would have taken away from my drinking.  The Tattle Book is a wonderful, glorious addition to our house.  I'm delirious with happiness.  Well, either that or I'm drunk. 

Now if only The Tattle Book would do something about ALL THE CRYING CRYING CRYING Skylar does ALL THE TIME NONSTOP WHENEVER SHE IS AWAKE WITHOUT FAIL then I might just marry it.  

Q & A

What's more fun than watching peewee football?

Watching peewee football when it's 60 degrees and you're wearing a tank top. And then it starts to rain.

Owen's T-Ball Schedule

Just in case any of you are in the area and are looking for a helluva good time.

Monday, 15 Sept @ 6:30p
Saturday, 20 Sept @ 10:00a
Monday, 22 Sept @ 6:30p
Saturday, 27 Sept @ 9:00a
Monday, 29 Sept @ 5:30p
Tuesday, 30 Sept @ 6:30p
Saturday, 4 Oct @ 5:30p

T-Ball pictures

Before I could get the pictures from Owen's first t-ball game on here he had another game and Ashlyn used my camera and took 187 pictures. Even though some were very good I only used the ones of Owen in the slide show. So these pictures are from his first two games.

Hold your breath

"I know what kind of car I want when I get 16."

"Oh yeah?  What kind?"

"A Bug!"

"Well, those are cute..."

"I want a MONSTER TRUCK!"

"Yeah, we know Owen.  Haley, what kind of car do you want?"

"Have you ever heard of a Ferrari?"

But I forgot the camera

Yesterday Owen played in his first ever t-ball game.  There was no winner or loser, just everybody on our team bats once and then everybody on the other team bats once and then you do it all again.  I took pictures, about 100 of them, and I plan on loading them onto the computer in the very near future and telling you all about how awesome Owen is at t-ball.  He is very adept at standing around and digging holes in the dirt with his cleats.  Seriously though, our coach throws each kid three pitches and if they don't hit any of them then they hit off the tee.  Well, Owen hit the ball off the pitch, because he is the most awesome t-ball player ever in the history of t-ball.  And yes, I know it makes no sense to say he's awesome at t-ball if he doesn't hit off the tee, because then it's not really t-ball, but I'm a proud parent and you should cut me a little slack.  I'll listen to hours and hours of you telling me how great your kid is at whatever they play and you'll listen to me.  Apparently it's some unspoken deal in the whole "parenthood" thing we do every day.

Tonight Haley cheered at her first ever football game.  And I forgot the camera.  It's too bad I did too, because if I had taken the camera I could have captured the cheerleaders all huddled close to the light tower discussing their plan of action.  I could also have captured the cheerleaders jumping around and stirring up a swarm of angry hornets who lived in a nest they had built on the light tower.  Then I could have taken a few shots of all the cheerleader running in all different directions with looks of terror on their face as the angry swarm of hornets attacked them.  And lastly, I could have taken a cameo shot of Haley getting stung on her shoulder by one of the angry hornets and losing her mind and falling down and screaming like she had been shot, then coming as close as humanly possible to hyperventilating without actually needing a paper bag.

And some guy who was in charge came over with a can of angry hornet spray, and he shot spray 20 feet in all directions and then came over and told me "If it's any consolation I've killed them all."  Uh, no, it's no consolation to me you freaking dumbass.  What would have been nice was for you to check the field beforehand and make sure it was safe to put kids on it, as another cheerleader also got stung (she handled it much better than Haley, no surprise).  And while we're at it, why isn't your flag at half mast?  Get with the program moron.  

Gosh, I seem a little testy.  

I really wish I was kidding, but I'm not.  This stuff really does happen to me.  I'm not sure why, but I've given it a lot of thought and I think it's the Russians who are behind it all.

Anyway, not to worry, Haley has another game on Saturday and I'll take the camera to that one and try to capture it all on film so we can relive it in photo albums for years and years to come.  So when I'm old and I just sit in my chair and mumble with glassy eyes they can hold them up in front of me and say "REMEMBER MAMA?  THIS IS FROM WHEN HALEY BECAME A CHEERLEADER, BACK IN 2008."  And maybe as they relive all these moments with me it'll all start to make sense to them.  That was the year.  That was the beginning of Mama losing her mind.      

Because the Universe hates me

Last night the t-ball game got rained out (Thank you Hurricane Hanna) and I was thinking that I had gotten away with having to sit at one less t-ball game this season but unfortunately we have to make it up tomorrow night (Wednesday) which totally messes up my weekly Wednesday date with Grandma down at Paul's Oyster Bar. This is disappointing to me for many reasons, some of which include crab cakes and free dessert, but I think Grandma is going to be even more upset. I'm not saying she lives for our date night by any means, I'm just saying that I normally pick her up a little after 6:00 on Wednesday evenings and last week I called her on Tuesday and asked her what she was doing and she responded "Waiting for you!"

Needless to add, Owen was devastated when he did not get to play t-ball last night. I told him God made it rain because he cried at preschool again.

And while we're talking about crying at preschool, let's talk about this morning, when I physically shoved Owen into the room and he fell down so I quickly shut the half-door to the room before he could get back up and he SCALED THE DOOR, flipped over the top and chased me down. Seriously, when he grows up his job should be determination.   I was beginning to think I should get him some pills or something and then he asked me a little while ago when Daddy was going to get his own room and me and him were gonna share. So now I'm kinda flattered.

On to tonight, when Haley had her first real live football game to cheer at. The plan was to go home, do homework, clean up a little bit (I stress "a little bit" because nobody here cleans anything "a lot" a.k.a. "properly"), and then eat and leave by 4:45 so we could drop Skylar off at Jenny's and get to the field by 5:15.  It was appoximately 3:50 when everyone was outside avoiding cleaning at all costs watching Heidi poop when all hell broke loose.

And then there was all this screaming and yelling and all I could understand is "SHE'S GONNA NEED STITCHES TO HOLD IN ALL HER BLOOD!" and everybody was crying and I couldn't even figure out at first who was hurt.  Turns out it was Haley, who was standing in the driveway dripping blood everywhere while she yelled at the top of her lungs "I CAN'T MOVE MY ARM!!"

You have GOT to be shitting me.

Now some of you may remember that Ashlyn just broke her arm not 5 weeks ago and she got her cast off last week.  That whole ordeal was such a pain in my ass an experience that I had hoped all of them would hold off, say, until I was dead before somebody else broke something.  And seeing the blood before I saw anything else I was almost afraid to look any closer, because if there's blood then there must be broken skin and if there's a broken arm and broken skin and blood then there's a good chance you're gonna see some bone and I can't imagine that's ever a good thing, even on an empty stomach.

This time it was not Owen, but the dog across the street who was at fault, the same dog that has terrorized my children and my dog for a month now, ever since those people brought it home.  And what do you think I did?  As I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought that I was going to have another month or longer with a cast, that all that money I spent on cheerleading was wasted because she couldn't cheer with a broken arm, that it was her left arm and she writes with her left hand, that my children were watching me closely to learn how to deal when the shit hits the fan?  I did what I felt was the right thing to do.  I went across the street to the guy who owns the dog and absolutely chewed him out.  I lost it.  I don't remember what I said word-for-word, but I do remember some of the highlights:

"I've come over here and asked you nicely to tie up your dog and I'm telling you right now, if I even see that dog looking at my yard I'm going to shoot it!" 

"And now I've paid $200 for her to cheer and she can't cheer if her arm is broken and WHO'S GONNA GIVE ME THAT MONEY BACK?  YOU?  I DIDN'T THINK SO!"

"When my insurance company contacts me to see who's at fault here I'm going to tell them YOU ARE and I hope they SUE YOU!"

For those of you who think I may have overreacted a tiny bit let me say that this has been an ongoing problem for a while and this is not the first time somebody has gotten hurt because of this dog and I've gone over there and very very politely asked them to please keep the dog tied up or in the house, as there are leash laws here.  Also, please remember that being the only adult here has really put a cramp in my drinking habit so I'm a little bit on edge lately.  And we won't even talk about how tired I am, how I am so tired that the other night Ashlyn and Haley woke me up in a sheer panic at 1:30a screaming that the smoke detector in their room was going off and I never even opened my eyes, I just mumbled "I'm sure there's no fire, please stop yelling and go back to bed."  That right there is good parenting, since there was no fire and me getting up and looking for a fire would have caused us all to unnecessarily lose even more sleep.

We went to the ER, and my father, who had one of his wisdom teeth cut out yesterday, let his pain medication cloud his better judgement and he took Ashlyn, Owen and Skylar to a business meeting with him.  It went well, and Skylar is now CEO of my father's company, TTA Broadcasting.  It's about time she pulled some weight around this place.

Haley's arm is not broken, thank Heaven, it's just bruised and scraped up.  Haley is not exactly the best patient.  Like, when they took us into the examination room and Haley informed them that they were not taking any x-rays.  And when they tried to examine her arm and she told them THERE WOULD BE NO TOUCHING OF THE ARM.  Or when they offered her some motrin for the pain and she was all "I don't want any of your drugs, the last time I took some medicine from a doctor that he said was motrin I woke up without my tonsils."  My brother came and hung out with us because Haley told me that was the only person she would allow to touch her arm, but it turns out she was lying because once he got there she changed her mind and reverted back to the No Touching policy.  And Brian was all lawyerly too, going "Did the dog bite you Haley?  Did it break your skin?  Did you at any time feel threatened by the dog?"  Because we can maybe get a steak dinner out of this.

Now we're home, I've cleaned the house, everybody took a shower, the wife of the guy I chewed out came over to apologize and check on Haley, I talked to the cheerleading coach and found out the game was cancelled anyway because of the massive downpour that happened while we were in the hospital, and I'm thinking that this post is so long I need to get a literary agent.  Or a shot glass.  

One down

"MOOOMMM!!! Owen won't stand still so I can put this plastic bag over his head!!!"

Happy Birthday Jenny!

Today is Jenny's birthday, and I think she's now 18 and legal! Thank goodness for that...I know now Brian can sleep a lot easier at night. Anyway, the kids wanted to sing, and so I said they could, and Haley decided that Frosty needed to be in the video also. Heidi was not able to be in the Happy Birthday videos we filmed today (we also did one for Leeanne) because she was at the vet getting her tubes tied so we don't end up with puppies that are half Heidi-half jackass dog that lives across the street.

So while Haley looked for Frosty Ashlyn, Owen and Skylar practiced the singing.


Haley wasn't able to find Frosty so they sang without him. Haley didn't try very hard because she was sulking.


After the song was finished Frosty wandered into the room and Haley demanded he get some face time too. So here you go.

Happy Birthday Leeanne!

Leeanne, the kids' cousin, turns four today! We are going to her birthday party Saturday, which will be at Build-A-Bear. I am a little nervous about the present part though, as Leeanne told me she wants a dragon and some jelly beans. I'm hoping she'll just settle for Skylar. I'll even stick a bow on her head.

Also, can I get a shout out for Frosty, who can shake it like no other cat I've ever seen?

The proper way to say the letter "I"

Also, the biggest reason why Amy Lemaster could never move to Georgia.

My restful weekend

Scott came home this weekend for a short visit. He got here Saturday morning about 2:30a and will leave in the morning after I leave to take the kids to school. It is important for him to see Owen in the morning because that way when Owen screams like I'm killing him cries at preschool and people ask "But why did you cry?" he'll at least have a decent reason, instead of his normal one, which is "I just did."

We didn't do much of anything this weekend, which was nice because I was pretty much drunk the entire time.  Just kidding!  I was not drunk this morning at t-ball practice!  Anyway, we spent a lot of time outside playing in the front yard and we also took a lot of naps.  *winkwink*  

Scott will be back on October 7th (happy birthday papa!) and he'll get to stay until the 22nd.  He'll actually be boots-on-the-ground on October 28th (happy birthday Joe!).  At that point I plan on having a small breakdown, which I hope will lead to an increase in my dosages.  Because nothing says "it'll be alright" like more pills.

My little ball player

So I was wrong when I said when I got to Heaven I'd just live one street over from all the people involved in peewee football. Turns out that street is reserved for all the people who've had anything to do with 4 year old T-Ball. "Maddening" is not even a word that begins to describe it. Really, HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SHOW YOU WHERE FIRST BASE IS? It doesn't change. We are not trying to trick you. Honest.

It is the sweetest thing to watch though, and the kids are so excited about being out there on the field. And they get to BAT! and CATCH! and LOOK AT MY CLEATS! and it just melts my heart to see Owen out there playing. But even better than that was today, when Scott got to go to practice with him. Owen has about 9 or 10 games but they will all be over by the time Scott get's back on October 7th (which is also Papa's birthday, gosh I miss him), so I'm glad he got to go with us today and stand on the field with Owen and give him some pointers.

Mark Layne is the coach and he and his wife Amanda go to our church so Owen knows their son, Jacob. Amanda is becoming one of my good friends here and Mark is the best. He is the perfect coach and I'm so glad Owen is on his team. I'm not sure who is more excited about t-ball, the kids or Mark!

Owen tells everybody he meets that he plays baseball. He uses it to pick up chicks, just like his daddy used to. It's a good thing he looks great out there on the field. He gets that from his daddy too!