Here you go

So I took a break from blogging for the two weeks Scott was home, and apparently that's about as bad as selling drugs to elementary school children or going around shaking babies.  I had no idea so many people cared about this blog so much they would gripe if I didn't put anything new on here for a week or two.  I should have known though, as Skylar was born at 1:15 in the afternoon and the next morning several people called my dad wanting to know why there was nothing on the blog about it.  Oops, sorry, I was busy letting the epidural wear off so I could go pee.

And if I say that nothing exciting happened during the last two weeks everybody would know I was lying, because after all I am me, and excitement follows me around in numbers.  So here's a quick rundown.

Owen had his TBall banquet at Schroeder's out in Armuchee.  I would like to go on record as saying I enjoy the Armuchee Schroeder's better than the Downtown Schroeder's.  It's more of a casual atmosphere while the Downtown Schroeder's is more of a hip, happening environment, and let's face it, I am many things, but "hip" is not one of them.  Grandma, on the other hand, can totally pull off the Downtown Schroeder's, but Grandma is foxy like that.  (man, the Schroeder's website is shitty) 

The 11th was Military Appreciation Day at the Shorter College football game and Scott was recognized as he is a Shorter graduate and is currently in the military, as there's not much you can do with a college degree in Sports Management.  Who knew?  There should be a disclaimer beside that in the list of available degrees that says Please Note:  You can choose this degree and then expect to join the Military and go to war repeatedly, leaving your wife to fend for herself in a house with four crazy people, a stuck-up cat, and a poop eating dog, however, if by chance someone needs to devise a Round-Robin Tournament, YOU'RE THEIR GUY.  Scott also got to flip the coin at the beginning of the game, and then we sat there for three hours and watched Shorter lose in the last minute.  What a downer.  It was super fun though because we all got sunburns on one side of our body.  

Another wonderful thing that happened while Scott was home was he got the kids ready for school each morning and then took them by himself, which means I got to sleep in every day.  This was priceless to me as I value sleep over food, clothing and shelter.  This also allowed Haley to put together her own outfits without any argument from me, as I didn't see her until after school each day.  

This picture validates my veto power when it comes to "Outfits deemed suitable for school by Haley." 

We are currently getting settled back into our routine without Scott, you know, the one that involves all the drinking in the mornings.  Skylar is pooping on the potty and the older kids are currently trying to grow a beanstalk in the front yard.  It's never going to work, because they are going about it the wrong way and using pinto beans instead of magic beans.  I'm not saying anything though, because who am I to crush this dream of theirs to grow a beanstalk up to the sky?  I'm too busy trying to crush all their other dreams.  

We are also beginning to plan Haley's birthday party, as it's fast approaching, and my first brilliant idea went so horribly wrong.  See, I don't want to have birthday parties.  I need all that money for alcohol.  So I told Haley she could pick a friend from her class and I'd take them out to eat to any restaurant they wanted to go to and then I'd take them to a movie and perhaps they could spend the night.  And Haley, in what is perhaps the ballsiest move ever made by a second grader, said "Okay, I'll take my boyfriend Jax."  Oh how I hope I die before she hits her teenage years.  So now I'm taking the entire Johnson Elementary School second grade bowling.  And boy I can't wait.

Oh, and while I've brought up the subject of Haley's birthday, if any of you want to send her anything please God don't let it be a JCPenney gift card. We got one from Meena and Papaw (Scott's parents) for Halloween and I took Ashlyn and Haley to the mall tonight to spend it and if they had sold rope there I would have bought some and hung myself.

There's also some sewing going on around here, and I'll take some pictures when I get a chance.  I could get more stuff made if I hadn't bought a serger that suffers from suicidal tendencies every time I try to change the thread color, but what can you do?  I tried cussing and that didn't work, so since that's the extent of my fix-it ability I just give her some time and she eventually comes around.  And as luck would have it, well, as my luck would have it, we have a little brown mouse (that rightly decided not to show himself until after Scott was gone) living in the closet where I keep my sewing stuff.  I haven't met him in person yet, but Haley has, and it wasn't very pleasant from what I heard.  It's a good thing we have a good-for-nothing cat because if we had a regular cat the mouse might be in danger.      

Also, there's something funky going on with my feet.  Holy crap skin is falling off of them in sheets.  Thick sheets.  And you know I'm picking at it.  The disgustingness of my kids is rubbing off on me and I can't leave them alone.  I'm actually contemplating taking a picture and putting it on here for all of you to look at.  What do you think?  Yes?  No?  How about a peeling foot disease collage?  Just say the word people, say the word.   

My Baby

Don't let her fool you, she's absolutely the most ferocious 11 pounds you'll ever meet. If you don't believe me come over to my house, knock on the door, and just take a listen.

Some Army pictures

Scott brought home some pictures from his time at Ft. Riley and I tried to put the whole sideshow on here but he wouldn't let me.  Apparently he's a little embarrassed about the ones where they were all playing Twister in the barracks.  Note: Do not make decisions involving a camera when you are also making decisions involving a keg.  Or maybe it was the ones taken at the Kansas State/Montana State football game, which prove that people who join the Army and wear the same uniform every day of their life lose all sense of fashion and when given a chance to put together an outfit on their own (without wifely input) they manage to look like complete idiots.
Anyway, here are a few of the boring pictures.

Goodnight, Maggie Jane

You were the best dog in the world.
We will never forget you.

Welcome Home Daddy

Scott made it home about 7:30 this morning for his two week visit before his 12 month sandy vacation.

And in case anyone is counting, the little people here are now 3 for 4 in the "projectile vomiting all over the house" game.

FYI-while it's great for liquids, this won't pick up chunks.

WOOHOO!

Welcome Home!!

I told you I've been sewing

Shrine Parade

Saturday I took Skylar to the Shrine Parade, but only because Haley's cheerleading squad was riding in it. Honestly, Shriners freak me out. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL is wrong with Shriners? I think Skylar may be scarred for life. And really, when you're dressed as a clown and you see someone sitting on the grass with a freaked out 2 year old hanging on her neck and she's taking pictures with a very expensive camera WHY WOULD YOU SPRAY HER WITH WATER? Is it because you are a moron? Is it because you're a Shriner? Or is it because IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.

Important Stock Market Information

If you bought $1000 of stock a year ago, you would now have:

$91.28 if you bought Washington Mutual

$37.50 if you bought Neomagic

$21.29 if you bought Freddie Mac

$20.79 if you bought Fannie Mae


But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the recycling REFUND...

You would have $214.00 in cash.


So the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

(thanks to Pops for this)

I might throw in some pills too

Haley and Kyla are best friends.  They are cheerleaders.

Chase and Jax are best friends.  They are football players. 

Haley, Kyla, Chase and Jax are all in Mrs. Hembree's 2nd grade class.  They play together on the playground every day.

Chase is in love with Kyla.  Jax is in love with Haley.  This is common knowledge.  All the 2nd graders and even some of the 3rd and 4th graders know this.  Kyla likes Chase, but Chase doesn't know it.  Haley likes Jax, but Jax doesn't know it.      

Tomorrow Haley is going to tell Chase that Kyla likes him as much as he likes her.  Also happening tomorrow, Kyla is going to tell Jax that Haley likes him as much as he likes her.  Tomorrow is going to be a big day.

Then they are going to be "boyfriend and girlfriend" and one day they are going to get married and Haley is going to get Jax's initials tattooed somewhere on her body, maybe her wrist, she isn't sure yet.

Do not bother to call me tomorrow, as I will be busy drinking heavily.

 

Haley's mini-me

It turns out if you're not passed out drunk someplace you actually can have quite a bit of time to get creative so, when not obsessively putting all the food in the pantry into some type of tupperware container (a story for another time), I made Skylar a cheerleading uniform that looks just like Haley's.  I didn't have a pattern, I just had to look at Haley's and then draw it out and shrink it down so it would fit Skylar, and I was rushing to finish it so instead of doing the Wildcats on the front I decided to just embroider a JES because it would be quicker, but other than that they are identical.  Skylar loves it and naturally she is the star whenever I take her to the football games and she wears it.  She does not join in the cheering, however, she has no free time to deal with all that nonsense when she could be sitting on the bleachers shoving popcorn into her face. 

My girls.  

I have also been sewing some other stuff, and maybe one day I'll put some pictures on here to prove it, and also maybe I'll put some pictures on here of the dining room, which looks very much like what Hancock Fabrics would look like if a bomb went off in the middle of the store.  And then maybe we can talk about Friday, when I had to get four dresses made, and Jenny was over here with her kids distracting me helping, and God made all the toilets suddenly blow up and flood the bathrooms and hallway.  

So there's water everywhere, and the dog's in it, and the cat's in it, and the kids are in it, and I'm trying to use a plunger, which I don't think I've ever used in my entire life, and I'm yelling at Jenny "Which way turns off the water?" and she's standing there screaming "LEFTY LOOSEY RIGHTY TIGHTY!" and I'm all "WHAT THE HELL are you talking about?"  So I'm plunging, and with every plunge the plunger turns inside out, which is kind of a pisser because you have to touch it to get it right side out again, and after about three times I'm hollering "JENNY!  What in the name of God is wrong with this plunger?" and we decide we've never seen a plunger do that, or maybe we're using it wrong, heck we don't know, so we go get Mrs. Hufstetler, who takes one look at the dining room and nearly drops dead on the spot and Owen decides he's got to go pee (of course) so he goes over to Mrs. Hufstetler's house and on the way back through her kitchen he steals some peanuts.  Honest to God.  He stole an old lady's peanuts.  While she was over here showing his dumbass mother how to use a plunger.  That was my Friday.

Just shoot me.  Please.

Peepers

You should see them whenever I try to pee.

Build A Bear

A couple of weeks ago I took the kids up to Hamilton Place to help celebrate Leeanne's birthday at Build A Bear. I was just looking through my pictures and realized I hadn't posted any pictures of the bears. I think it's really cool, and also a little freaky, that the kids all dressed their bears in totally different ways but each one ended up totally reflecting their own personalities.

Ashlyn's bear is named Katie. Katie is dressed in a very fashionable shirt and jeans ensemble, which is exactly the type of thing Ashlyn wears to school on a daily basis. If any of you are wondering what to send her for Christmas or her birthday, something that looks like this would be perfect.  You may notice that Ashlyn is wearing her glasses in this picture, and she normally has her contacts in.  Well, she is wearing her glasses because they called from the school on Wednesday to tell me she had pink eye and I needed to come get her immediately.  So I go to pick her up and am informed that she cannot come back to school until she has a note from a doctor saying she's been on antibiotic eye drops for at least 24 hours.  I called the doctor to make an appointment and the only appointment they had was for 2:15, and yes, Owen still gets out of school at 2:30.  After several phone calls my aunt Chris (of the house in Alabama with the vicious frog) picked him up from school, which I will talk about in a minute.  And you know what?  She didn't have pink eye.  And you know what else?  I didn't take in the diaper bag because I am a moron and Skylar pooped the second we got in there and let me tell you it didn't smell like roses.  But I'm glad she didn't have pink eye because that means all of us would have gotten it and if I can't wear my contacts then shit around here is just going to stop dead because I have no glasses now that Skylar grabbed them and ripped them apart.  She's really great like that...have I mentioned how great she is? 

Owen's bear is named Scout.  He is dressed like a baseball player.  Owen's entire life revolves around this t-ball stuff and it was a no-brainer that his bear get these particular clothes.  And it seems that Owen has some admirers up at Wake Forest, and to that he says "Hellooooo Ladies!"  Then he makes some crazy sound and makes a hand motion like he's cracking a whip.  I have no idea what that's about...  Anyway, on Wednesday my aunt had to pick him up and I was afraid he was going to go to pieces when I didn't show up because our whole entire morning conversations are based around "Mama will be back to pick you up at 2:30 Owen.  2:30.  I promise.  2:30.  It's only a little while.  I would never leave you, Owen, I will be there to pick you up at 2:30, now please come down off the roof."  I had the entire school and the entire Fire Department on alert for whatever his reaction might be when Chris got there to get him.  And the little guy was so excited to see her he couldn't stand himself.  And he went willingly.  And he asked me later why different people couldn't pick him up every day instead of me.  And guess what.  He hasn't cried at school since.  We have had four glorious days of walking into school and walking back out just like all the other parents, with no incidents.  If he makes it five days he gets the fishing game.  If he makes it ten I just might be able to give up my morning double shot of tequila. 

Skylar's bear is named Molly and from time to time she actually shows a little interest in it.  It's not her favorite thing though, her favorite thing is screaming loudly.  Her bear is wearing a cute top and some pink pants that look like some of the stuff Skylar has in her closet.  The shirt says "I'm Glamorous" and of course so is Skylar.  I mean, how can you have hair like that and not be glamorous? 

And leave it to Haley to take an innocent little bear and dress it up like Britney Spears.  But really, did you expect anything else?

The eye of the storm

See how adorable she looks? See how she looks so fun, like such a happy, well-adjusted 20 month old who's nothing but a joy to be around? SHE'S KIDDING.

Where is the love?

And shortly after the Happy Birthday Brian video, Heidi got her ass kicked. Again.

Owen fielding

Future Gold Glove winner

Owen hitting

For those of you with lives that do not include sitting at tball games watching a group of kids stand around with no idea whatsoever, here's a taste of what you're missing.

Happy Birthday Brian!

Today The Lawyer turned 31. Being the thoughtful big sister I am, I got him this video.

The Tattle Book

I have instituted a Tattle Book here at the house to help alleviate all the listening to whining I have to do.  I got the idea from Jenny, who was having a hard time talking to me on the phone because I kept having to interrupt her to say "I don't care what (so-and-so) did!" and "If you are not bleeding then I don't want to hear about it!"  And she's all What you need is a Tattle Book and she proceeds to tell me how wonderful this little book will make my life.

Today we were at the Dollar Store (one of my favorite places ever) and I picked up a notebook, came home and explained the Tattle Book Rules to Ashlyn, Haley and Owen:  

1. The Tattle Book here is designed to be a place to vent your frustrations about your siblings without bringing them all to Mama and killing her buzz.

2. You can write about whatever you want to write about in The Tattle Book without fear of retribution from me.  Probably because I'm never going to bother reading it.

3. You cannot confront someone for writing about you in The Tattle Book.  If you have a problem with something in The Tattle Book, write about it in The Tattle Book.

4. If you cannot spell a word do the best you can, don't ask me how to spell it.  I'll figure it out.  If you have no idea at all, draw a picture.

5. If Owen wants to write about Ashlyn, Haley must help him.  If he wants to write about Haley, Ashlyn must help him.

We have had The Tattle Book for two hours now.  No one here has talked to me for two hours.  The Tattle Book has three full pages of crap written in it, including:

1. Owen called me a butt.  --Ashlyn

2. Ashlyn called me a punk.  --Owen

3. Owen threw a stick at your car.  --Haley

4. Owen said a bad word.  He said stupid.  --Haley

5. Haley pushed me and then I twisted my knee.  --Ashlyn

6. Haley wouldn't help me get the hamper with all the dirty clothes upstairs.  --Ashlyn

7. I did not want to help Ashlyn and then she started to cry like a baby.  --Haley

8. Ashlyn hurt my feelings.  --Haley

9. Haley pushed me down and I was carrying something for Ashlyn and she almost made me spill it.  --Owen

10. Owen said I was fat.  --Haley

11.  I wish Frosty would die because then we could get another dog like Heidi.  I like Heidi.  I do not like Frosty.  His poop stinks.  --Owen

Let's think about how much time all these silly problems would have taken away from my drinking.  The Tattle Book is a wonderful, glorious addition to our house.  I'm delirious with happiness.  Well, either that or I'm drunk. 

Now if only The Tattle Book would do something about ALL THE CRYING CRYING CRYING Skylar does ALL THE TIME NONSTOP WHENEVER SHE IS AWAKE WITHOUT FAIL then I might just marry it.  

Q & A

What's more fun than watching peewee football?

Watching peewee football when it's 60 degrees and you're wearing a tank top. And then it starts to rain.

Owen's T-Ball Schedule

Just in case any of you are in the area and are looking for a helluva good time.

Monday, 15 Sept @ 6:30p
Saturday, 20 Sept @ 10:00a
Monday, 22 Sept @ 6:30p
Saturday, 27 Sept @ 9:00a
Monday, 29 Sept @ 5:30p
Tuesday, 30 Sept @ 6:30p
Saturday, 4 Oct @ 5:30p

T-Ball pictures

Before I could get the pictures from Owen's first t-ball game on here he had another game and Ashlyn used my camera and took 187 pictures. Even though some were very good I only used the ones of Owen in the slide show. So these pictures are from his first two games.

Hold your breath

"I know what kind of car I want when I get 16."

"Oh yeah?  What kind?"

"A Bug!"

"Well, those are cute..."

"I want a MONSTER TRUCK!"

"Yeah, we know Owen.  Haley, what kind of car do you want?"

"Have you ever heard of a Ferrari?"

But I forgot the camera

Yesterday Owen played in his first ever t-ball game.  There was no winner or loser, just everybody on our team bats once and then everybody on the other team bats once and then you do it all again.  I took pictures, about 100 of them, and I plan on loading them onto the computer in the very near future and telling you all about how awesome Owen is at t-ball.  He is very adept at standing around and digging holes in the dirt with his cleats.  Seriously though, our coach throws each kid three pitches and if they don't hit any of them then they hit off the tee.  Well, Owen hit the ball off the pitch, because he is the most awesome t-ball player ever in the history of t-ball.  And yes, I know it makes no sense to say he's awesome at t-ball if he doesn't hit off the tee, because then it's not really t-ball, but I'm a proud parent and you should cut me a little slack.  I'll listen to hours and hours of you telling me how great your kid is at whatever they play and you'll listen to me.  Apparently it's some unspoken deal in the whole "parenthood" thing we do every day.

Tonight Haley cheered at her first ever football game.  And I forgot the camera.  It's too bad I did too, because if I had taken the camera I could have captured the cheerleaders all huddled close to the light tower discussing their plan of action.  I could also have captured the cheerleaders jumping around and stirring up a swarm of angry hornets who lived in a nest they had built on the light tower.  Then I could have taken a few shots of all the cheerleader running in all different directions with looks of terror on their face as the angry swarm of hornets attacked them.  And lastly, I could have taken a cameo shot of Haley getting stung on her shoulder by one of the angry hornets and losing her mind and falling down and screaming like she had been shot, then coming as close as humanly possible to hyperventilating without actually needing a paper bag.

And some guy who was in charge came over with a can of angry hornet spray, and he shot spray 20 feet in all directions and then came over and told me "If it's any consolation I've killed them all."  Uh, no, it's no consolation to me you freaking dumbass.  What would have been nice was for you to check the field beforehand and make sure it was safe to put kids on it, as another cheerleader also got stung (she handled it much better than Haley, no surprise).  And while we're at it, why isn't your flag at half mast?  Get with the program moron.  

Gosh, I seem a little testy.  

I really wish I was kidding, but I'm not.  This stuff really does happen to me.  I'm not sure why, but I've given it a lot of thought and I think it's the Russians who are behind it all.

Anyway, not to worry, Haley has another game on Saturday and I'll take the camera to that one and try to capture it all on film so we can relive it in photo albums for years and years to come.  So when I'm old and I just sit in my chair and mumble with glassy eyes they can hold them up in front of me and say "REMEMBER MAMA?  THIS IS FROM WHEN HALEY BECAME A CHEERLEADER, BACK IN 2008."  And maybe as they relive all these moments with me it'll all start to make sense to them.  That was the year.  That was the beginning of Mama losing her mind.      

Because the Universe hates me

Last night the t-ball game got rained out (Thank you Hurricane Hanna) and I was thinking that I had gotten away with having to sit at one less t-ball game this season but unfortunately we have to make it up tomorrow night (Wednesday) which totally messes up my weekly Wednesday date with Grandma down at Paul's Oyster Bar. This is disappointing to me for many reasons, some of which include crab cakes and free dessert, but I think Grandma is going to be even more upset. I'm not saying she lives for our date night by any means, I'm just saying that I normally pick her up a little after 6:00 on Wednesday evenings and last week I called her on Tuesday and asked her what she was doing and she responded "Waiting for you!"

Needless to add, Owen was devastated when he did not get to play t-ball last night. I told him God made it rain because he cried at preschool again.

And while we're talking about crying at preschool, let's talk about this morning, when I physically shoved Owen into the room and he fell down so I quickly shut the half-door to the room before he could get back up and he SCALED THE DOOR, flipped over the top and chased me down. Seriously, when he grows up his job should be determination.   I was beginning to think I should get him some pills or something and then he asked me a little while ago when Daddy was going to get his own room and me and him were gonna share. So now I'm kinda flattered.

On to tonight, when Haley had her first real live football game to cheer at. The plan was to go home, do homework, clean up a little bit (I stress "a little bit" because nobody here cleans anything "a lot" a.k.a. "properly"), and then eat and leave by 4:45 so we could drop Skylar off at Jenny's and get to the field by 5:15.  It was appoximately 3:50 when everyone was outside avoiding cleaning at all costs watching Heidi poop when all hell broke loose.

And then there was all this screaming and yelling and all I could understand is "SHE'S GONNA NEED STITCHES TO HOLD IN ALL HER BLOOD!" and everybody was crying and I couldn't even figure out at first who was hurt.  Turns out it was Haley, who was standing in the driveway dripping blood everywhere while she yelled at the top of her lungs "I CAN'T MOVE MY ARM!!"

You have GOT to be shitting me.

Now some of you may remember that Ashlyn just broke her arm not 5 weeks ago and she got her cast off last week.  That whole ordeal was such a pain in my ass an experience that I had hoped all of them would hold off, say, until I was dead before somebody else broke something.  And seeing the blood before I saw anything else I was almost afraid to look any closer, because if there's blood then there must be broken skin and if there's a broken arm and broken skin and blood then there's a good chance you're gonna see some bone and I can't imagine that's ever a good thing, even on an empty stomach.

This time it was not Owen, but the dog across the street who was at fault, the same dog that has terrorized my children and my dog for a month now, ever since those people brought it home.  And what do you think I did?  As I was suddenly overwhelmed with the thought that I was going to have another month or longer with a cast, that all that money I spent on cheerleading was wasted because she couldn't cheer with a broken arm, that it was her left arm and she writes with her left hand, that my children were watching me closely to learn how to deal when the shit hits the fan?  I did what I felt was the right thing to do.  I went across the street to the guy who owns the dog and absolutely chewed him out.  I lost it.  I don't remember what I said word-for-word, but I do remember some of the highlights:

"I've come over here and asked you nicely to tie up your dog and I'm telling you right now, if I even see that dog looking at my yard I'm going to shoot it!" 

"And now I've paid $200 for her to cheer and she can't cheer if her arm is broken and WHO'S GONNA GIVE ME THAT MONEY BACK?  YOU?  I DIDN'T THINK SO!"

"When my insurance company contacts me to see who's at fault here I'm going to tell them YOU ARE and I hope they SUE YOU!"

For those of you who think I may have overreacted a tiny bit let me say that this has been an ongoing problem for a while and this is not the first time somebody has gotten hurt because of this dog and I've gone over there and very very politely asked them to please keep the dog tied up or in the house, as there are leash laws here.  Also, please remember that being the only adult here has really put a cramp in my drinking habit so I'm a little bit on edge lately.  And we won't even talk about how tired I am, how I am so tired that the other night Ashlyn and Haley woke me up in a sheer panic at 1:30a screaming that the smoke detector in their room was going off and I never even opened my eyes, I just mumbled "I'm sure there's no fire, please stop yelling and go back to bed."  That right there is good parenting, since there was no fire and me getting up and looking for a fire would have caused us all to unnecessarily lose even more sleep.

We went to the ER, and my father, who had one of his wisdom teeth cut out yesterday, let his pain medication cloud his better judgement and he took Ashlyn, Owen and Skylar to a business meeting with him.  It went well, and Skylar is now CEO of my father's company, TTA Broadcasting.  It's about time she pulled some weight around this place.

Haley's arm is not broken, thank Heaven, it's just bruised and scraped up.  Haley is not exactly the best patient.  Like, when they took us into the examination room and Haley informed them that they were not taking any x-rays.  And when they tried to examine her arm and she told them THERE WOULD BE NO TOUCHING OF THE ARM.  Or when they offered her some motrin for the pain and she was all "I don't want any of your drugs, the last time I took some medicine from a doctor that he said was motrin I woke up without my tonsils."  My brother came and hung out with us because Haley told me that was the only person she would allow to touch her arm, but it turns out she was lying because once he got there she changed her mind and reverted back to the No Touching policy.  And Brian was all lawyerly too, going "Did the dog bite you Haley?  Did it break your skin?  Did you at any time feel threatened by the dog?"  Because we can maybe get a steak dinner out of this.

Now we're home, I've cleaned the house, everybody took a shower, the wife of the guy I chewed out came over to apologize and check on Haley, I talked to the cheerleading coach and found out the game was cancelled anyway because of the massive downpour that happened while we were in the hospital, and I'm thinking that this post is so long I need to get a literary agent.  Or a shot glass.  

One down

"MOOOMMM!!! Owen won't stand still so I can put this plastic bag over his head!!!"

Happy Birthday Jenny!

Today is Jenny's birthday, and I think she's now 18 and legal! Thank goodness for that...I know now Brian can sleep a lot easier at night. Anyway, the kids wanted to sing, and so I said they could, and Haley decided that Frosty needed to be in the video also. Heidi was not able to be in the Happy Birthday videos we filmed today (we also did one for Leeanne) because she was at the vet getting her tubes tied so we don't end up with puppies that are half Heidi-half jackass dog that lives across the street.

So while Haley looked for Frosty Ashlyn, Owen and Skylar practiced the singing.


Haley wasn't able to find Frosty so they sang without him. Haley didn't try very hard because she was sulking.


After the song was finished Frosty wandered into the room and Haley demanded he get some face time too. So here you go.

Happy Birthday Leeanne!

Leeanne, the kids' cousin, turns four today! We are going to her birthday party Saturday, which will be at Build-A-Bear. I am a little nervous about the present part though, as Leeanne told me she wants a dragon and some jelly beans. I'm hoping she'll just settle for Skylar. I'll even stick a bow on her head.

Also, can I get a shout out for Frosty, who can shake it like no other cat I've ever seen?

The proper way to say the letter "I"

Also, the biggest reason why Amy Lemaster could never move to Georgia.

My restful weekend

Scott came home this weekend for a short visit. He got here Saturday morning about 2:30a and will leave in the morning after I leave to take the kids to school. It is important for him to see Owen in the morning because that way when Owen screams like I'm killing him cries at preschool and people ask "But why did you cry?" he'll at least have a decent reason, instead of his normal one, which is "I just did."

We didn't do much of anything this weekend, which was nice because I was pretty much drunk the entire time.  Just kidding!  I was not drunk this morning at t-ball practice!  Anyway, we spent a lot of time outside playing in the front yard and we also took a lot of naps.  *winkwink*  

Scott will be back on October 7th (happy birthday papa!) and he'll get to stay until the 22nd.  He'll actually be boots-on-the-ground on October 28th (happy birthday Joe!).  At that point I plan on having a small breakdown, which I hope will lead to an increase in my dosages.  Because nothing says "it'll be alright" like more pills.

My little ball player

So I was wrong when I said when I got to Heaven I'd just live one street over from all the people involved in peewee football. Turns out that street is reserved for all the people who've had anything to do with 4 year old T-Ball. "Maddening" is not even a word that begins to describe it. Really, HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SHOW YOU WHERE FIRST BASE IS? It doesn't change. We are not trying to trick you. Honest.

It is the sweetest thing to watch though, and the kids are so excited about being out there on the field. And they get to BAT! and CATCH! and LOOK AT MY CLEATS! and it just melts my heart to see Owen out there playing. But even better than that was today, when Scott got to go to practice with him. Owen has about 9 or 10 games but they will all be over by the time Scott get's back on October 7th (which is also Papa's birthday, gosh I miss him), so I'm glad he got to go with us today and stand on the field with Owen and give him some pointers.

Mark Layne is the coach and he and his wife Amanda go to our church so Owen knows their son, Jacob. Amanda is becoming one of my good friends here and Mark is the best. He is the perfect coach and I'm so glad Owen is on his team. I'm not sure who is more excited about t-ball, the kids or Mark!

Owen tells everybody he meets that he plays baseball. He uses it to pick up chicks, just like his daddy used to. It's a good thing he looks great out there on the field. He gets that from his daddy too!

My Day

Oh boy.

It started with Owen crying at preschool, and fighting his teacher to the point where he actually got away from her and tried to run out of the school building to get to me.  It ended with Heidi peeing on my bed.  On my bed.

And you don't even want to know all the shit that happened in the middle.

I will say this:  All you people who said it wouldn't be so bad this time around?  Because the kids were bigger?  And able to help out more?  You are all a bunch of feakin' liars.  

Photo shoot

Last Saturday Ashlyn spent the day with Nana and Pops and Haley had no one to harass so I had to take one for the team.  To get her to just stop talking for the love of God I let her take some pictures of me and Heidi.  She used my camera and did pretty well!  Of course Heidi is very photogenic so it's hard to mess them up of her, but she actually made me look okay too.  And I take horrible pictures...

I say "Johnson!" You say "Wildcats!"

There is without a doubt a very very special place in heaven for anybody that has ever had anything to do with peewee football.  I like to think I have patience.  You know, like when I'm trying to have a little alone time with my blog and all sorts of kids want to ask me silly questions about some of the dumbest stuff imaginable, and I can't think about what I'm writing because they just keep talking and talking and my entire paragraph turns into a huge run-on sentence?  Note to all kids out there:  Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question was lying to you.  But really, I don't have the patience for what I saw this weekend.  No way.  Trying to capture and hold 30 or so 7 year olds' attention is not for me.  Those adults were trying, but I bet you there are kids that played football Saturday that have no idea who they played, if they won, or how they got home.  So there must be an awesome neighborhood for those people waiting just beyond the pearly gates.  And I will totally be content on the next street over.  Anyway, Saturday was the jamboree here and the mighty Johnson Wildcats played two back-to-back half games and Haley cheered.  I have no idea of the final score of either game, but I'm pretty sure we lost the first one.  The second one is a toss up.  

When we lived in Texas we would go watch Austin Ludwigsen play football.  Those people out in Texas are really serious about their football and I was amazed at the level of intensity they had 5th grade boys playing at.  Parents were getting in fights and everything, so, you know, it was really fun to attend.

I knew I was in trouble while I was standing between the fields waiting on my aunt Joan to get there and I saw gobs of parents decked out head to toe in Johnson colors, which happen to be bright ass royal blue and bright ass gold.  I'm not even lying, Haley's cheerleading outfit glows in the dark.  Then I watched a little of the game and boy are those coaches tough on those little kids.  There is yelling, lots of yelling, and there are tears from the kids and angry mothers in the stands.

The cheerleaders were cute, all 33 of them, even though they did not wear their uniforms because everybody doesn't have theirs yet.  I had been skeptical of this adventure, because when we were in Texas and the girls did the Supersquad thing Haley didn't really seem to care about it and instead used the hour they were at practice for socializing.  However, I was pleasantly surprised at the game.  Let me tell you something:  This is what Haley was born to do.  She was totally in her element and she had the time of her life.  I don't know how long it will last, and maybe she'll decide in a year of so she doesn't want to do it anymore, but as long as she wants to do it I'm going to let her, because she was maybe the happiest I've ever seen her.         

Whenever she wasn't cheering she had a huge smile on her face.  I don't know how her cheeks didn't cramp up.

#1 with an attitude!

Rant Rant Rant

Last year when we lived in Texas I signed Owen up for preschool.  We went and toured the place and the time schedule worked out perfectly for Scott to take him each day.  (what?  me get up when it's still dark outside?  are you kidding?)  Of course as soon as we left Owen said there was no way he was going, he'd just stay home with me.  I guess because I was never the one taking him to school I must have misunderstood what Scott meant when he said "He cries a little when I drop him off."  Plus, after a while he must have stopped because it was never mentioned again.  So basically he was going two days a week and was going in fine and having a great time and making lots of friends.

Now here we are in Georgia and Owen is going to Pre-K.  It's 5 days a week from 8:00a to 2:30p.  I have taken him every single day, which means getting up when it is still dark outside as it seems that's when the schools here start their day.  And let me take a minute to ask Why?  Why so early?  Call me and let's talk about, say, noonish.

Anyway, I have this schedule, and we stick to it exactly, or Mama gets all anxious and the drive to school gets a little hairy.  Well, Owen cried for the first 4 days of preschool.  And I'm not talking about normal crying.  I'm talking about wailing and screaming.  At first I felt bad about it, especially when he hollered "Mama!  Don't leave me!  I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE!"  I mean, here I am going on and on about them staying where I can see them at all times so a stranger doesn't grab them and then I go and leave him with a bunch of strangers.  What else is he supposed to think besides Mama is a hypocrite?  So we had a little talk about how I would come back every single day and get him and he would be fine and blah blah blah and finally we had a talk about how THERE WOULD BE NO T-BALL, since he's a crybaby who cries like a baby every single feakin day and babies don't play t-ball.  And there would be no cleats, and I'd take the bat bag and the glove and the bat back to the store.  Well, lo and behold he quit crying.  He went in, hugged me bye and sat down at his place at the table and started playing.  Then, the next day he went in and acted like he didn't even know me.  All last week and Monday of this week he had no problems at all.

Then on Tuesday I had an appointment and I couldn't pick him up, so I sent my dad, Pops, to get him.  I told his teacher my father would be getting him and yes, he was on the pick-up sheet as an approved pick-up person and Owen heard me and started crying.  No, crying isn't the word.  He started having some type of fit that rivaled the exorcist.  I managed to get out of there and left him yelling but then my dad went to get him and Owen started again, saying he didn't want anybody but me, and refusing to leave with my dad.  Well, my dad won that one, but he wasn't too happy about it.  On Wednesday Owen cried.  And today Owen cried.  And guess what?  I'm sending my aunt Joan to get him today because I have to go to the dentist.  It's going to be mayhem.  

I told Joan "Look, if he screams and stuff and you can't get him then just call my dad."  And she was all "I outweigh him by 120 pounds, I can get him to the car."  But here's the deal:  YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.  You will not be able to manhandle him because his will is too strong.  Three grown adults were holding him back when I left this morning and HE WAS WINNING.  

What in the world am I supposed to do about this?  This is separation anxiety at it's very worst.  If I take away stuff it doesn't seem to work.  And I've threatened to take away t-ball but they all know I'm not going to actually do that, not when me pulling him off the t-ball team would cause Scott to lose his will to live.  I need help.  I need answers.  I need a therapist.

(the above part was written earlier today but I forgot to post it)

And I'm not even going to get into what I went through today with the jackasses down at the elementary school where the girls go, I'll just say this:  If you're going to make me fill out a list of people I approve to pick up my children and then you are not going to let my children go with said approved people then WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE DAMN LIST?  "We don't dismiss through the office.  Ever."  What kind of bullshit rule is that?  Will I ever get back the gas you caused me to waste today driving all the way out there?  Will I ever get back those cell phone minutes I wasted when I called to try to change all my plans when I didn't have to?  Will the dentist ever get back those precious minutes with his family he lost today because me being late (because of you) caused him to have to work a few minutes later?  Will I ever get back those brown hairs that immediately turned to gray when I realized my child might be stranded?  Will I ever get back the years of my life you caused me to lose when you caused me unnecessary stress?  Will I ever be able to forget the fake sincerity on your face when you said you "guessed you could bend the rules because of my situation, because it must be so hard?"  I DON'T THINK SO.  

And don't talk to me about my "situation" ever again.  And don't talk to me about hard.  You have no idea.  Don't presume to know me.   

Working it out

I have been going to a gym here for 8 days.  Well, I mean I have been 8 times, but I don't go on weekends and I didn't go on Monday so really I've been going for longer than 8 days but...oh, never mind.  I have not mentioned this because I'm pretty much still in shock over the intensity of the classes.  Everytime I go I honestly want to cry.  It takes everything I've got not to totally break down in tears, it is so hard!  I think I've gotten as close as humanly possible to having a heart attack without actually having a heart attack.  I'm just sayin' if you want to go to this gym and take these classes, you've definitely got to wear your big girl panties.  I'm still looking for mine, so until I find them I'll just continue to whine, which I'm becoming pretty good at, given all the time I spend listening to my kids do it.  

The gym is Club Fitness and they use all the Les Mills programs.  The classes are all one hour and I take the RPM class on Monday, BodyPump and BodyStep on Tuesday, BodyAttack on Wednesday, BodyPump and RPM on Thursday, and BodyFlow and TRX on Friday.  Skylar stays in the daycare there while I'm doing all this and she seems to like it (as much as she seems to like anything).  The trainers there are all really friendly and I've met some people who take the same classes I take so it's really nice, except when it's so hard and I'm so tired and my heart rate is so high I throw up a little in my mouth.  I have a new appreciation for drinking water, which I never do unless I'm pregnant.  And if I only drink water when I'm pregnant I had settled into the thinking that I would just never drink water again and instead live on chocolate milk, Dr. Pepper and tequila.  Now all I drink is chocolate milk for breakfast and then water all the time.  When I go out to eat, which is about one time a week I have Dr. Pepper, and at my mother's house I have sweet tea.  But everything else is water.  I even drink it throughout the day, when I'm not even having any food, like many other healthy people do.  It's quite the thirst quencher.  Somebody should get the word out about that.  

Then, this morning I put on some jeans that were fresh out of the dryer and they fit differently than the last time I put them on after I washed them.  They were looser.  My back fat seemed to be shrinking.  My butt seemed to be smaller.  My thighs seemed to be tighter.  I stood there for a second and then I immediately texted Scott and told him.  Then I texted Amy and told her.  Then I texted Sabrina and said Get your ho clothes out cuz you and me are getting belly button rings!  And I was so happy I went down to Paul's Oyster Bar and had a Dr. Pepper, ate three rolls, two crabcakes, a sweet potato, some broccoli, and then a giant cinnamon roll for dessert.

Yeah, that pretty much ought to take care of THAT.   

The terribleness of it all

Ashlyn ended up bringing Freddy the Frog home with her the same day she took him to school.  Amy told me "I bet she brings it right back home!" and I had hoped she wouldn't, but there she was when I picked her up, holding a large plastic aquarium.  While we drove home I tried to convince her to let him go, set him free, give him the life he never could have had over in Alabama at Aunt Chris's house, and she thought about it and decided that maybe she wanted to keep him.

To which Haley said "Daddy told me when he left that we weren't to get any more animals while he was gone."  Spoilsport.

So then we had to have an agonizing conversation about animals being mammals and comparing them to amphibians, which frogs are, and thank goodness we were almost home because I almost drove the car into a tree voluntarily.  

And then...tragedy.

While Ashlyn was walking inside the lid came off the aquarium and it fell to the ground.  She quickly put it all back together and came inside, got Freddy the Frog a bowl of water and put him in it and added some grass and a stick.  But Freddy wasn't moving.  

And she asked me "Mama, how do you know if the frog is dead?" and I looked closely and it seemed that Freddy wasn't breathing and oh my God did Ashlyn completely break down.  She cried and cried, not the loud, wailing cry that all the other ones do in WalMart when I won't let them chew through a box of Lucky Charms while they are sitting in the buggy, but a silent, sad cry that seemed very mature but was heartwrenching for me to watch.  

And then Haley said she really didn't think Daddy would mind if I went to the pet store and bought Ashlyn another frog since she was so upset.  Yes, buying a frog would be a great thing for me to do.  Even better?  BUYING A HAMSTER. 

Honestly, if I had known Scott wouldn't absolutely lose it with me I would have gone out right there and bought another frog.  To replace the free frog.  And Jenny said "No, don't buy a frog." and my dad said "No, don't buy a frog." and so help me I wanted to buy her a frog so badly it was killing me.  Then I entertained the thought of buying a hamster.  They are only supposed to live a year or so, right?  But my luck the hamster would live like 6 years or something, or the dog would eat it and then the dog would die and it just all became too much for me to think about.  All the possibilities of all the awful things that could and probably would happen if I brought another animal into this house.    

So I went outside to find Ashlyn, who had slipped through the door while Jenny was all "DO NOT go buy a frog!" and there she was, poor thing, with the shovel digging a friggin hole to bury the frog in.  I helped her dig it a little deeper and we carefully wrapped Freddy in a paper towel and covered him up with the dirt and the tears all started again, and it seemed really stupid to me to be burying a frog we'd had for less than one day and it seemed even sillier for Ashlyn to be standing there crying about it and my gosh it was so blazing hot and I was sweating but I took my time and didn't rush her and made it into the most important thing I did that day.

Ashlyn is having a hard time with Scott being gone this time.  She's asking more mature questions and seeing the bigger picture.  She cries when he calls and she cries when she talks to him on Skype.  Then she breaks her arm, ending her chances at swimming again this summer.  She was so excited about this frog, and then it died.  What in the world do I need to do?  She needs something, but her arm is broken so she can't do sports.  And I don't know how I would fit that in, with t-ball on Mondays, cheerleading on Tuesdays, church on Wednesdays, and me busy doing magic on Thursdays when cheerleading is over at 5:30 on one side of town and Owen has t-ball at 5:30 on the other side of town, and all the whining and crying on Fridays because everybody is tired.  I need ideas.  She needs something that is just hers, that Haley doesn't have or doesn't do.  Either that or I need Lucy to get me a turtle.   

(psst Lucy, you need to fix your blog so I can link to specific posts, not just the main page)

'Master would be proud because Owen touched it

Tonight we went out to my aunt's house so we could eat dinner and so she could alter Haley's cheap cheerleading uniform.  While we were there Owen, Haley and Skylar swam with Uncle Ronnie while me, Grandma, Aunt Chris and Heidi watched from the deck and Ashlyn sat on the side sulking because she couldn't get it.  So there we were, sitting there minding our own business when we were viciously attacked by a tree frog.  

I don't know if I've told any of you this but I'm not exactly one for nature.

And Chris goes flying out of her chair and really, it didn't matter at that point I was just about to pass out and I didn't even know what I was supposed to be running from because I didn't see it at first.  All I knew is here is a woman who spent many many years camping in a camper that folded up into a shoe box and lives in the boonies and if she is the least bit anxious about a creature then I'm sure as shit gonna run for the hills.  I'm not lying about the boonies part either.  While we were there some animal we couldn't see keep making some sound, like a BAAAAA!, and I kept saying "Are there sheep over there?" and there wasn't, apparently there are lots of animals that make that sound, WHO KNEW, and it could be all sorts of things, like a rabid deer or mad cow.  Also, her address is Georgia but I think it's really Alabama and they are just fooling us.

Then we (I use that term loosely as I was in my car already) realized it was just a little tree frog so we decided to catch it in a jar so Ashlyn could take it to Mrs. Lynn, her science teacher at school.  

We put it in an old mayonnaise jar and brought it home and it's now sitting on the kitchen counter.  And for the last half hour Frosty has been sitting on the counter beside the jar hissing at it.  Ashlyn is taking it out of my house tomorrow.  

Behold, Freddy the frog.    

And it looks brand new

Today when I picked Haley up from cheerleading the coach told me about a mother whose daughter moved up to the next age group so she wouldn't be needing her uniform and warm-up suit from last year.  The parent worked at the Braves' stadium here so I left practice and me and all the kids went right over. 

First I convinced the man taking the parking money that I wasn't going to stay for the game they were having tonight, that I was just picking something up, and he let me in for free.  Next, I convinced the man who works the parking lot closest to the gate to let me park in there, even though I didn't have a parking pass.  Then I convinced the man working the gate to let me in without a ticket to see the parent, who (it turns out), in a crazy, 6 degrees of separation thing I was good friends with right after high school.  She had the uniform, the bloomers and the warm-up suit, but the bottoms were smalls and the tops were mediums.  The bottoms fit perfectly and the tops were a little big but I have an aunt who is so good with a sewing machine you could give her two yards of fabric and some thread and she could make you a house to live in, so that didn't bother me.  What did bother me a little was several spots on the front part of the top.  Luckily, I have a mother that can work miracles.  One time she waved a bottle of Shout at a wall and the paint fell right off.  So I took it to her and in ten minutes the spots were totally gone.

Needless to say I am so proud of myself I could just burst; even though I probably ran $50 in gas out of my car driving around I still feel like I won.  The uniform and warm-up suit would have cost me $132 and I got it all for $50.  And unlike some people, I can do math relatively well and that's a savings of $82.  Which is nice because I just filled up my car with gas and it cost $89.50.  

So finally, something good has come my way.  Something that wasn't crying, had something broken, was bleeding, was throwing up, was tattling, was whining, or was smelling like poop.  I'd like to think my luck is changing.  But maybe it's just because I'm overly nice to old people.      

Tact is not her strong point

Ashlyn:  "I think it would be really fun if there were like, 8 kids in our family!"

Pops:  "Well, you need to go home and talk to your mother about that one."

Haley:  "It's never gonna happen.  She's been fixed."

A very nice shoulder to cry on

"Hey Daddy, how was the funeral?"

"Funeral?"

"Yeah, Skip Caray's funeral. The one you went to Monday.  Was it sad?"

"Monday I sat next to Erin Andrews."

"Oh, so that probably helped make the funeral more enjoyable I bet."

"Funeral?"

More teaching by yours truly

Owen:  "MAMAAA!  Heidi pooped in the den!"

Me:  "Okay Owen, I'm coming."

Owen:  "EWWWWW, SKYLAR'S TOUCHING IT!"

Me:  "Dammit.  Skylar NO!"

Owen:  "Dammit."

Me:  "Owen!  Don't say that!"

Skylar:  "Dammit!"

Thank God Ashlyn's arm is broken

Cost for Haley to be a Johnson Elementary Pee Wee Cheerleader:

Initial sign-up fee - $50.00

Uniform - $64.76

Bloomers - $8.00

Socks - $4.07

Warm-up suit - $45.00

Embroidery for warm-up suit - $15.00

Shoes - $20.00

Pompoms - $13.00

Hair Bow (lg) - $14.00

T-Shirt - $10.00

White turtleneck - $7.50

Embroidery for white turtleneck - $10.00

CD/DVD of cheer music and dance - $6.00

Cheer bag to hold all this shit - $10.00

Embroidery for cheer bag - $12.50

GRAND TOTAL:  $289.83

Are you freaking kidding me?

This does not include the cost of gas to drive out to Johnson one extra time on Tuesdays and Thursdays to pick her up from practice, the $1 per person admission cost to the football games, the entrance fees into the Shriner's parade or the Christmas parade, the end of the year party, the gloves, scarf and earmuffs for when it gets cold, the lollipops for the lollipop sale, or all my pain and heartache.  

If you would like to make a donation to Haley's cheerleading fund please CALL ME.  Otherwise Haley is going to have to cheer naked and just hold her pompoms in strategic places as I've already paid for them.  

Heidi Flea Bag Starr

Friday I took the girls and Heidi to a store here in Rome called The Back Yard.  Let me tell you, it's the most ridiculous store I've ever been to in my entire life.  They've got all kinds of yuppie stuff for you pet.  I've never seen outfits for dogs like the ones they had.  It was great for puppy socialization though because there were lots of other dogs running around the store.  Skylar was in heaven and couldn't pet them fast enough or yell PUPPY! loud enough.  Heidi immediately exchanged phone numbers with a yorky named Chadwick who, and I'm not even lying about this, was wearing blue jeans and a cowboy hat.  The next time I go, and there will definitely be a next time, I'm taking my camera!  They even had a dressing room where your dog could try on clothes in private. Do you know why they have that room?  So you don't look like a jackass shoving a dress over the head of your dog, who wants absolutely no part in wearing clothes and is trying to wiggle away, in front of other people.     

After trying on a pink off-the-shoulder tank top with a blue jean skirt we found this pink and white stripe dress that was a little too big but also half the price.  So instead of paying $30 for something Heidi could wear for about 3 weeks before she outgrew it I paid $15 for this dress she can wear up until it starts getting colder, at which point we will go back and get this.  It was also one of the less tacky things in the store (if it's possible to put any outfit on a dog and not look tacky, which it's probably not), and I don't really go for the "nautical" theme, the "prissy" theme, or the "ho" theme. 

If Haley had gotten her way with which outfit we bought we could have walked out of that store and immediately stood Heidi on a street corner and let her support all of us.  

Already she's up to 6 lbs!  What a porker.

The attic

In a nutshell, somebody ELSE is going up there to get the Christmas decorations down when I need them.

2-for-1 margarita night at Las Palmas

It was only a matter of time

I found out yesterday that the pediatrician Ashlyn is assigned to will not put in a referral for her to see the orthopedic doctor because he has never seen Ashlyn so she is not considered an "established patient."  The biggest problem with this is that we have already seen the orthopedic doctor.  We saw him on Monday so Ashlyn's arm, that was broken on Friday, could be properly casted since it's inadvisable to walk around with a broken arm just hanging there for people to bump into and pull on.  So because we have only lived here for a little over a month and in that time Ashlyn has not seen her assigned pediatrician because she is a normal, healthy nine year old with no problems necessitating a doctor we are now going to have to pay for a visit to an orthopedic doctor and a casting, which I hear costs about $1 million nowadays. 

Blue like her eyes. 

What I teach Skylar while everybody is at school

Q: What do we learn from this?
A: That I should take more video.

I don't know what I'm more pleased about, the fact that she shows signs of rhythm or the fact that her first move was to run to a table. I also enjoy the part where the fly white guy comes in at the end. (and I don't know if you know this or not, but after you click "play" if you move your cursor off the video it will clear up the screen for you)

Sorry about that

My link color was too close to my text color and I guess no one could figure out where I got my layout.  So I changed my link colors to dark pink so everyone could tell the difference.  

The layout came from here.

My attempt at being an optimist

Because I'm such a big copycat I decided to take a look at the site were Lucinda got her new layout and yeah, I changed mine too.  But really, what else do I have to do?  

Besides cook, clean the dishes, take out the trash, bathe people, wash hair, dress people, wash clothes, sweep, mop, dust, fold clothes, pick up toys, explain that we are all too old to be running around the house naked, put gas in the car, take the dog to the vet, take Ashlyn to the orthopedic doctor, go to the dentist, get dentist appointments for all the kids, call the exterminator about the ant problem we seem to be having, take people to the ER, take everybody to school, try to get people to understand that school is everyday and they need to suck it up and QUIT CRYING FOR GOD'S SAKE, pick everybody up from school, take the dog outside to potty every hour, change poopy diapers, get groceries, pay bills, balance the checkbook, explain again that if you are naked you should not come out of the bathroom without a towel wrapped securely around you, put away the clean clothes that people just threw on their closet floor, argue the plus side of taking a shower, check homework, sign everybody's folders, listen to people read, clean the litter box, try to keep the cat from eating all the dog food, get people re-dressed when they somehow get the lid off the stupid sippy cup, try to find all the shoes that the dog carries off, fix people snacks, break up arguments, delegate over the wii, scream at people that I'M GOING TO GET THE WOODEN SPOON IF YOU DON'T STOP, put on bandaids, dry hair, brush hair, fix hair, and explain that sorry, even though Daddy is gone we are still not getting a hamster or a bunny.  It's me against them, and I think they may be winning. 

So I decided to change the look of my blog.  Really, I've got all the time in the world.  I'm bursting with time.  I've got time coming out of my ears.  I'm covered up in time.  And the glass is also half full.  

Because we were due

Spent a little bit of time at the ER tonight.  It's been a while and all, but you know, it all comes right back to you the minute you walk through those sliding doors and the lady looks up and before she can even open her mouth you yell in a calm, controlled panic "HER ARM IS BROKEN!"

I found out tonight there are three ways you can be absolutely sure you get to jump to the front of the line at the ER:

1.  Be bleeding profusely

2.  Be throwing up

3.  Come in with a "visible deformity" on your body a.k.a. "having a wrist bone where there should be no wrist bone" (which is the option we chose)

We are currently sporting a splint but that will most likely be upgraded to a hard cast on Monday, or whenever I can get Ashlyn in to see the bone doctor person.  I don't have a picture of her right now because she was pretty upset and didn't want me to take one, and oh I don't know, I figured this was probably one of the times I should indulge her.  I also took pity on her while we were waiting on the tylenol with codeine prescription to be filled and let her pick out three of those teeny-bop magazines she likes so much.  Then I took her to Wendy's and bought her a milkshake.  I felt so bad for her I would have gotten her more stuff but it was after 10pm and my options were limited.  

Several things to note:

1.  Broken bones cause mass hysteria.

2.  My father is deaf and cannot hear his cell phone when it rings.

3.  An awful lot of policemen hang out at the ER on Friday nights. 

4.  Thank God it wasn't the hand she writes with.

5.  What goes around comes around, and boy oh boy does Owen have it coming. 

School, Day One, Recap

Today was the first day of school for Ashlyn, Haley and Owen here in Georgia.  It was brought to my attention today by Becca that school in Texas doesn't start until sometime around the 25th.  To that I say hahaha my kids are gone all day every day and you still have yours for three more weeks!  

Last night Brian and Jenny kept all our kids while Scott and I went out to dinner by ourselves, just grown-ups, with no children sitting with us, kicking us, wasting food that we paid good money for, spilling their drinks on my leg.  We got back to their house about 8 and it took 30 minutes to get them all out of there and in the car because turns out Brian and Jenny are SO MUCH FUN.  I don't know what all went on over there but Aggie met us at the door and was all THANK GOD THIS ISN'T PERMANENT.  

We got home and they picked out their clothes, brought them to me for approval, and then got in bed.  I was pretty pleased that we managed to have them all in bed by 9 or so because I didn't want them to be whiny on the first day because they were tired.  Then Scott and I didn't go to bed until midnight because we had episodes of Project Runway and Shear Genius to watch on the tivo.  At 12:15 I went to bed and shortly before 2 Skylar decided that it was time to do her thing where she doesn't sleep, she just yells and cries all night.  Scott went in at 3, 3:30, and 4 and that was when Skylar got a spanking.  

Scott was not allowed to be involved with the morning activities today in any way, because it would have gone much smoother and that would just be like a big teaser.  My schedule worked perfectly today.  Alarm at 6, hit snooze, get up at 6:10.  Get in the shower, get out and get dressed.  Wake up the girls, dry my hair while they get dressed and eat breakfast.  Get Owen up (this is where I almost hit a snag but I managed to just dress him while he was asleep and by the time I finished he was awake).  Wake up Skylar and eat breakfast with her while Haley takes Heidi outside to go potty.  Dress Skylar, brush my teeth, get in the car and go.  We left at exactly 7:25 and made it to the girls' school before 7:40.  They jumped out and ran in without incident and we left for Owen's school.

It took 11 minutes to get to the pre-K and we all got out and went inside (meaning Scott, me, Skylar and Owen).  We got inside and that's when Owen had his meltdown.  He cried and cried and begged me to take him home and the farther I got from him the louder he got.  And all the kids were sitting at the table looking scared out of their minds, like, Oh my God look how upset he is...WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN INTO?  So we left him standing there screaming and made a break for it.

After we left the pre-K we went by WalMart because it's right across the street and we needed milk.  It turns out that at 8am there is NOBODY at WalMart and we didn't even have to stand in line to check out, which I think was the first time that's ever happened to me.  We got home and shortly after that Skylar went to sleep, probably because she was still tired from being up half the night, so it was just me and Scott.  And you know what we were able to do with no kids around?  We were able to watch 4 hours of back-to-back Maury and Jerry Springer with no interruptions.  It was like heaven.

When we picked up Owen he said he loved school, that he couldn't wait to come back, that he had three friends already (that were BOYS) and that he got a star sticker because he took a good nap.  He doesn't know the names of his friends, but he does have two boys in his class named Ross and Chandler that sit at his table so I'm hoping they are two of them.

The girls get out at 2:50 and we made it to the pick-up line at 2:44.  I thought we were doing good until I saw the line reached all the way around the school, down the hill, and out onto the road.  Ashlyn and Haley got in the car at exactly 3:20.  During the time we were waiting Owen watched Happy Gilmore and Skylar said MAMA!!!! 2,743 times.  

I've got to find myself something to do while they are in school.  I cannot spend 4 hours a day watching Jerry Springer or I will lose my mind and possibly start talking with a southern accent.  And that would be tragic.